My gf play-fights with her guy friends... out of line?

[meerkat stew]

As in: Walk over, yank the boss's arms from around the girlfriend, as hard as you can and intending to cause pain but laughing grimly with a smile on your face.

 

IMO, this would have been the wrong course. OP's situation is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" deals where the best course is to let it slide in public. Speaking from much experience dating women who get flirted with and think this sort of response is ok.

 

Now if it's a bar or club? Go to town on the situation, a work-related party? Nah, 90% of the time, it's going to backfire and make things worse, as everyone sides with the cute girl and the boss (duh) against the outsider. It's not as if she and the boss don't have all the time in the world to do stuff anyway.

 

Agree with you though, that the boss knew exactly what he was doing, and likely has learned that doing this at work gets him a free feel.

[jnj express]

If you are the BF, you can let it slide at the party, or you can , when she gets done wrestling tell her we are out of here----If she won't go, or wants to know why---take her in another room and tell her WHY----You will find out real quick what you have for a partner. No matter what she needs to know that was the last time that crap is to ever happen, while she is with you-----

[cashew]

I'm not sure that your gf was flirting. Maybe sharing my story will help you better understand where she could be coming from. Like your gf, I have a bf and am around the same age.

 

I used to verbally play-fight with a male co-worker. I took every opportunity there was to give him a hard time. It became addictive. I rarely pick on people outside of work so I think our EXTREMELY stressful work was a huge factor. For the most part, everyone picked on everyone. Though I did notice the other co-workers were hesitant to pick on us too much. I focused on him because I was the most comfortable with him. We did have a lot more in common. The others couldn't figure out if I hated him and if he liked me. They didn't worry about it too much because they knew I had a bf and he was much older.

 

I didn't have any romantic feelings towards this co-worker. My feelings towards him were strictly platonic. The "annoying little sister" role was a fun one to slip into because the nature of our work was not a good fit for me. I was bored to tears.

 

All I'm saying is that it's very possible your gf play-fights for the fun of it. She may not have been flirting with her supervisor. I do think you need to clue her into her supervisor's intentions though.

[silic0ntoad]

My best friend actually just went through this. His GF kept play fighting with this other dude. He told her about it, set boundaries, guess what? She wouldn't stop. Then she said the dreaded words "I need a break" He dumped her harlot ass on the spot. SHe's my neighbor.

 

 

Guess who's car was out front of her house the next morning?

 

Yeah. YOu guess it. There is something carnal and sensual about play fighting. And the other guy saying "Don't worry about him" yeah, that's his wingman. I've seen it before.

 

Set boundaries. Good luck. Get ready for the **** to hit the fan, which it will.

[silic0ntoad]

Oh, and I agree with the Alpha male thing. Any time another dude touches a girl I am dating, unless it's like a friend giving a friend hug, I explicitly open my trap. I don't give two flying turds if it's a work party, a club, or a family & friends party. No man, and I mean, no man, besides me, lays hands on mine.

[zwieback.toast]

IMO, this would have been the wrong course. OP's situation is one of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't" deals where the best course is to let it slide in public. Speaking from much experience dating women who get flirted with and think this sort of response is ok.

 

Well listen. Any girl like that can never be trusted anyway, because you can't be with her 24/7. And frankly who wants a relationship lacking in any ability to trust?

 

The point is regardless of the awkwardness of the situation, it's still "decision time" for the boyfriend watching this all go down. He can't do NOTHING. He may well decide that he can't trust her and she's not worth getting into a fight with some idiot and I wouldn't blame him. In that case maybe he just tells the girl to get with the program immediately or he's out.

 

But what was going on and goes on in all these situations is that the aggressor male is "marking his territory" as surely as a dog pisses on his favorite fire hydrant. Now a dog who pisses on some other dog's fire hydrant better get prepared for a beat down. And if there's no beat down coming (metaphorically speaking of course) then the ownership of that particular fire hydrant passes to the aggressor dog.

 

This kind of stuff is extremely atavistic, this male/female wrestling around in the group situation, fighting over the female, it is no different from what animals do, no matter how much we want to pretend to be civilized and sugar coat things.

 

Beyond this particular girl, the original poster has his own self respect that he has to protect. There are plenty of other vaginas out there after all.

 

Also, if he does perceive any kind of a future with this girl, he's got to set the boundaries. Again if he's not willing to do this he should just walk out of the relationship, she's probably not worth the hassle and the heartache.

 

And really--who gives a flying fig about causing awkwardness? He's the victim, he's being shiat upon.

 

What's really interesting about this kind of situation is I am not a "tough guy" swaggering alpha male AT ALL. I am very shy and withdrawn in almost every social situation. However--my reaction to this kind of thing is very visceral anger. Maybe that's inappropriate but that's the way I am and I always thought it was a NATURAL reaction to the total lack of respect. IOW I can't imagine NOT getting extremely angry about something like this.

 

On the other hand, if the original poster has plenty of other women at his beck and call to choose from, then maybe he just doesn't care.

 

But again this is not two people who don't know each other. This is the girl and her boss being way overly familiar. I think something has already gone on and is going on unbeknownst to op and they're just flaunting what everyone in the room already knows about, except for him.

 

Since he did not do anything immediately it's too late. The relationship is as good as over and it's just a matter of time. His gf completely disrespected him in a very public and humiliating way; it's like she dumped a Cleveland Steamer on him in public.

 

 

 

Now if it's a bar or club? Go to town on the situation, a work-related party? Nah, 90% of the time, it's going to backfire and make things worse, as everyone sides with the cute girl and the boss (duh) against the outsider. It's not as if she and the boss don't have all the time in the world to do stuff anyway.

 

That doesn't matter because an incident like this must be viewed as a "critical point" in a relationship. It is a direct challenge to his masculinity and his "ownership" of the sexual rights to the female (assuming he ever had that in the first place). He doesn't have to cause a scene, but if he doesn't, he has to realize that the relationship is over. Unless he is content to be a cuckold/doormat.

 

 

 

Agree with you though, that the boss knew exactly what he was doing, and likely has learned that doing this at work gets him a free feel.

 

The boss is getting more than a free feel. If he's copping free feels in public, in front of her boyfriend, in front of their work colleagues, obviously much more is going on when no one is there to watch.

[zwieback.toast]

I'm not sure that your gf was flirting.

 

That kind of physical contact, under those circumstances, is by definition, "flirting." Actually it's a step or two beyond flirting as it involves significant actual physical contact.

 

 

Maybe sharing my story will help you better understand where she could be coming from. Like your gf, I have a bf and am around the same age.

OK here it comes....sigh.....

 

I used to verbally play-fight with a male co-worker. I took every opportunity there was to give him a hard time. It became addictive. I rarely pick on people outside of work so I think our EXTREMELY stressful work was a huge factor. For the most part, everyone picked on everyone. Though I did notice the other co-workers were hesitant to pick on us too much. I focused on him because I was the most comfortable with him. We did have a lot more in common. The others couldn't figure out if I hated him and if he liked me. They didn't worry about it too much because they knew I had a bf and he was much older.

You were flirting with him. The other workers didn't involve themselves because to them, it appeared as if you and this guy had some kind of a "thing" going on. Even if you don't want to admit that.

 

I didn't have any romantic feelings towards this co-worker. My feelings towards him were strictly platonic. The "annoying little sister" role was a fun one to slip into because the nature of our work was not a good fit for me. I was bored to tears.

You were engaged in "teasing" behavior. Obviously whoever this guy was had an interest in you, or else he wouldn't have been wasting his time with this kind of nonsense. Guys don't do this kind of stuff with women unless they think it will lead somewhere, possibly. You were not his "little sister."

 

 

All I'm saying is that it's very possible your gf play-fights for the fun of it. She may not have been flirting with her supervisor. I do think you need to clue her into her supervisor's intentions though.

Again, ....sigh....lots of women have this amazing ability to deny the reality of these situations. "Oh we were platonic." "Oh we weren't flirting." "Oh he didn't have feelings for me." "Oh I didn't have feelings for him." "Oh when we kissed at the Christmas party it didn't mean anything, we both had too much to drink." "Oh he's just a friend." "Oh I don't know how we ended up in bed together." That's how these things always seem to play out.

 

Now in your particular case nothing ever came of it. Because you as the female didn't want anything to happen. But he sure did. And obviously you were having some kind of need for ego gratification fulfilled by this interaction.

 

Exactly like the OP's girlfriend and the boss want to pretend "it's nothing."

 

If you had had no interest whatsoever in this guy that you're talking about you wouldn't have let him pick on you, nor picked on him. Whether you care to admit that or not.

[AAlike]

I think that a detailed analysis of what should and shouldn't be "out of line" and a an is-this-or-is-this-not-flirting poll are unnecessary - in my opinion, what's good for the goose is good for the gander - if your GF would go ape sh*t at you for doing the exact same thing, then your relationship ain't equal. plain and simple. and that is BS.

[zwieback.toast]

I think that a detailed analysis of what should and shouldn't be "out of line" and a an is-this-or-is-this-not-flirting poll are unnecessary - in my opinion, what's good for the goose is good for the gander - if your GF would go ape sh*t at you for doing the exact same thing, then your relationship ain't equal. plain and simple. and that is BS.

 

 

Yeah you're right but I like to break down the "girl logic" for these things.

 

Like I said in my first post about this the only proper response in an "ideal" world would be if OP had knocked out the guy's front teeth then tossed the slut into the garbage dumpster out back.

 

Can't happen that way, though, they're not worth jail.

[cashew]

I think that a detailed analysis of what should and shouldn't be "out of line" and a an is-this-or-is-this-not-flirting poll are unnecessary-

 

I agree. I shared my story to suggest that, like myself, your gf may be immature. She may not have realized what message she was sending her supervisor.

 

That said, I don't know your gf. I know that out of respect for my relationship with my bf and respect for myself, I don't let other men touch me or get too familiar in any way. I wanted to offer a different perspective though. That's why I shared my story.

 

And about that story, we all thought he wasn't interested in women because he's never been married. We were being dumb, yes. After reading this thread, I understand that may not have been true.

 

Zwieback.toast, believe it or not my feelings for him were platonic! If you knew us you wouldn't doubt this. We would talk about "that time of the month" and birth control around him. That's some flirting!

 

I also wanted to add that all women don't know the ways of men! From my preschool to high school years, I attended single-sex schools. I do not know how to handle male attention and am still learning how do get along with men in coed environments.

[zwieback.toast]

I agree. I shared my story to suggest that, like myself, your gf may be immature. She may not have realized what message she was sending her supervisor.

 

That said, I don't know your gf. I know that out of respect for my relationship with my bf and respect for myself, I don't let other men touch me or get too familiar in any way. I wanted to offer a different perspective though. That's why I shared my story.

 

And about that story, we all thought he wasn't interested in women because he's never been married. We were being dumb, yes. After reading this thread, I understand that may not have been true.

 

Zwieback.toast, believe it or not my feelings for him were platonic! If you knew us you wouldn't doubt this. We would talk about "that time of the month" and birth control around him. That's some flirting!

 

I also wanted to add that all women don't know the ways of men! From my preschool to high school years, I attended single-sex schools. I do not know how to handle male attention and am still learning how do get along with men in coed environments.

 

Maybe he was just weird.

[meerkat stew]

Well listen. Any girl like that can never be trusted anyway,

 

this is for silicontoad too and anyone else who says they would start a row over this. Please consider the following.

 

Already said in the thread that I would have made an excuse to leave and taken her home, but think even that is probably too much, that's what I'd do though.

 

What are you going to do, pick a fight with her boss at a work party? Posturing on the internet is easy, but when push comes to shove, the only time you should pick a fight is... never. Remove yourself from the situation. That's what secure men do, not engage in some alpha dog wild kingdom pissing contest. There are plenty of women out there, just blow one off and get another. Whatever you say to him you lose, and it just gives him ammunition for the future, "Hey you still dating psycho boy? You know you can always come to me if you want to talk about it."

 

And let's say things get out of hand, and if there's any alcohol there they can quite easily. Let's say the boss decides that he has to save face in front of his employees and takes a "yeah what are you gonna do about it?" stance. You are then backed completely into a corner. Every person at the place has a cellphone, what are the odds that the second a punch is thrown or even a shove or a shout, 911 is dialed by one of the 20 people there? It only takes one idiot, half drunk to overreact to this. And when the cops come in just a few minutes, you don't have a friend in the world there, not one. Those are his employees there, not yours, and what they saw was you going ape**** over what they will unanimously say was in plain view and completely harmless.

 

Then the guy decides to forbear an assault charge IF you will apologize and shake hands in front of the whole party (cause he's such a nice guy), everyone goes "awwwww," and you look like a ridiculous punked, red-faced jackass.

 

And this kind of result can happen whether the cops come or not, if the guy has any wits about him, he can make you look the fool with minimal effort if you even say anything to him at all. He is not going to take your aggressive move in stride in front of his people, or rather the odds are very slim of him doing so. You are not on your home turf in a situation like this.

 

Fact is, guys, we do not live in a time any more where it is permissible for men to "settle things" the old fashioned way. Don't handle your private or social affairs like pack animals, or if you do, get used to holding cells and fun times spent in court. Believe me, if you've never been, you don't want to go.

 

You're welcome for the free legal advice

[jnj express]

last poster is basically right, the OP's beef is with his GF. It is up to her to act properly, and show some respect for her relationship. Her boss made some kind of stupid remark, and it was the GF that rushed across the room and started wrestling with the boss. This whole situation comes down to the maturity level of the GF. Maybe she is to young, or immature to handle a committed relationship.

 

Anyway OP must decide where he is at and where he wants to go with this----if this is to stay committed relationship, he needs to lay down some boundaries, with consequences he will follow thru on, and yes it may be to late already as GF seems way to familiar with boss, question then becomes does boss have a wife, and where was she while he was screwing around with another woman.

[silic0ntoad]

this is for silicontoad too and anyone else who says they would start a row over this. Please consider the following.

 

Already said in the thread that I would have made an excuse to leave and taken her home, but think even that is probably too much, that's what I'd do though.

 

What are you going to do, pick a fight with her boss at a work party? Posturing on the internet is easy, but when push comes to shove, the only time you should pick a fight is... never. Remove yourself from the situation. That's what secure men do, not engage in some alpha dog wild kingdom pissing contest. There are plenty of women out there, just blow one off and get another. Whatever you say to him you lose, and it just gives him ammunition for the future, "Hey you still dating psycho boy? You know you can always come to me if you want to talk about it."

 

And let's say things get out of hand, and if there's any alcohol there they can quite easily. Let's say the boss decides that he has to save face in front of his employees and takes a "yeah what are you gonna do about it?" stance. You are then backed completely into a corner. Every person at the place has a cellphone, what are the odds that the second a punch is thrown or even a shove or a shout, 911 is dialed by one of the 20 people there? It only takes one idiot, half drunk to overreact to this. And when the cops come in just a few minutes, you don't have a friend in the world there, not one. Those are his employees there, not yours, and what they saw was you going ape**** over what they will unanimously say was in plain view and completely harmless.

 

Then the guy decides to forbear an assault charge IF you will apologize and shake hands in front of the whole party (cause he's such a nice guy), everyone goes "awwwww," and you look like a ridiculous punked, red-faced jackass.

 

And this kind of result can happen whether the cops come or not, if the guy has any wits about him, he can make you look the fool with minimal effort if you even say anything to him at all. He is not going to take your aggressive move in stride in front of his people, or rather the odds are very slim of him doing so. You are not on your home turf in a situation like this.

 

Fact is, guys, we do not live in a time any more where it is permissible for men to "settle things" the old fashioned way. Don't handle your private or social affairs like pack animals, or if you do, get used to holding cells and fun times spent in court. Believe me, if you've never been, you don't want to go.

 

You're welcome for the free legal advice

 

Just so we're clear, I said open my trap about it.

 

I wouldn't walk up and slug the guy. I would make a comment, and then let her have it for behaving in that manner. Generally, my comment would go along the lines of

 

"Hey, guy, hands off. This one's mine. Besides, don't they have company policy about manager/employee relations?"

 

Then address it to her in private. In this situation you have to display dominance but turn the tables.

[meerkat stew]

"Hey, guy, hands off. This one's mine. Besides, don't they have company policy about manager/employee relations?"

 

Then address it to her in private. In this situation you have to display dominance but turn the tables.

 

In total agreement that in many cases a firm statement followed by a withdrawal is appropriate... when you are on neutral or friendly ground. I don't know about you, but most of the mid level or line level managers I've had in my life have been complete and total douchebags. And when dealing with these types on unfavorable or unknown turf, here's what your statement is likely to elicit:

 

Boss looks at GF and gives her another squeeze, "Is he always this insecure over nothing?" HAHAHAHAHA from the entire crowd. "Hey man no hard feelings, I wouldn't want my GF to have a good relationship with her boss either." HAHAHAHA from the entire crowd.

 

"Ohhhh you're right! Hey somebody call the sexual harrassment police, GF running up and assaulting me like that is making a hostile workspace for me!" HAHAHAHAHA

 

"That's a really raw accusation for a guest at a party who doesn't know anything about the blablabla good work environment blablabla great manager employee relations blablablabla at PIMPCO to make. Maybe you are the one with a jealousy problem over nothing, my man?" (head bobbing and snickering from the crowd)

 

I guess we can agree to disagree here, my point to OP is that a dominance display in a situation like this has a high probability of backfiring, and that OP shouldn't feel like less of a man because he kept a cool head and waited til later to discuss it.

[jnj express]

OP would be a fool to get in any confrontation, especially physical with the other man----The GF is the one at fault here----she had no reason to rush over and start wrestling with the other guy, unless it was to draw attention to herself, or she is into the other guy (boss).

 

OP you need to show strong displeasure with your GF, at the disrespect and embaressment she dumped on you. She either acts like she is in a relationship or she acts like she is single---that is up to her, and her choice----your choice is to react to her and decide what you want to do----give her boundaries, let her slide---its up to you, and how much you want her, and how much you will put up with.

[make me believe]

Your gf's behavior was SUPER inappropriate! Wow. She and her boss are way too close & comfortable if he feels like it is ok to call her names jokingly and they start "play-fighting". That is flirting, and totally out of line. She is deluded if she thinks he is her "bro". Guys don't look at girls as "sisters" or whatever, and I will never understand how women can allegedly not know when they are flirting. Look, I am a 26 year old female and I KNOW when I'm giving off signals/flirting/etc. It's not innocent. Most women will claim it was platonic, they are just friends, the guy must have taken it the wrong way, etc. But the bottom line is she has a boyfriend and needs to start acting like it. And honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if something ihas already happened between the two of them.

[BG1985]

The fact that he was able to call her a bitch is alarming. Calling a girl a bitch is equivalent to calling a black person the n-word. I know a few black guys who let their friends say it around them. I have a couple Jewish friends whom I can make Jewish jokes to. However there is a big level of trust involved. I'm very close to my sister and I jokingly called her a bitch recently, and she got really pissed at me about it. This was my REAL sister. Your girlfriend let her boss call her a bitch and invade her intimate space. That involves a close relationship and level of trust.

[mani81]

An update on this:

 

I asked my gf in passing if she was able to coexist at work with her guy friends with less touching and being touched. She said, "Yeah, I've been good about it. It's just sometimes I have to remind myself to not do something because it might upset you..."

 

I asked, "What do you mean?" She said sometimes when she passes another server they might do a forearm to forearm bump. I told her that stuff is like what teammates on sports teams do so I don't see much wrong with it. But I also said that I wish she would not touch guys just because she's in a relationship and doesn't personally feel the need to.. and not do it because "it would upset the boyfriend."

 

Because I explained to her that I don't touch girls and that anytime I usually do touch a girl it'[s because I would like her. And that any time a pretty girl touches me I get the feeling that she likes me.

 

I tried to explain the whole "guys are guys" thing to her again, and that when you give off signals to guys they're going to take it a certain way, so you have to be careful.

 

Then she said, "Well, what if they touch me?" To which I said something like, "Umm.. Are you an adult female in a relationship? Stick up for yourself! Don't let people touch you if you don't want to be touched! I don't let random girls go around touching me..!"

 

Then I brought up the party incident - I said, "Remember how that guy wrapped his arms around you at the party? That wasn't his fault. You let him into your private zone. You let him touch you." To which she started getting pretty upset and yelled that, "That was his fault!! I didn't know he was going to do it!!"

 

That made me upset because just a few weeks ago she had apologized saying that it was wrong for her to place blame on him for that incident because she had initiated it. Well, basically she went back on that apology I guess in saying just the other day that it was his fault for the arm-wrapping.

[dazzle22]

"I have to remind myself not to do blah blah blah because you might be upset" is a very big red flag.

 

Shows she totally is not upset at all about what she did, feels that you make too big a deal about such things, and is disrespectful of your feelings. This will be a pattern in your relationship. You watch....