MealTicket Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 I am in need of some advice. I have been in a relationship about 13 months and lately I've been craving distance away from my girlfriend. We both own homes separately and after about 5 months of dating she essentially moved into my place. I have a very, very nice house and she lives in the city near an urban area with high crime. Her house still exists fully furnished but she has spent every day/night at my place since month 5. Now I want some space and she's basically clinging for life onto me and my house. Here's the reasoning for my need for space: Since the day I met her she was behind in her mortgage and since that day I've been helping her pay her mortgage, every-single-month. And since month 2 i've basically been paying it 100%. I should never have had to do this, but I felt if I did not, she would lose the house. Since day day I met her she has not held a job that paid enough to pay her bills completely. She works temp jobs and jobs that are far, far, FAR below her skill level. She is brilliant and a very fast learner. When I confronted her about this desire-to-get-paid-low, her statement was "I have been working my entire life, I'm tired of the struggle." So I guess she assumes I"ll foot the bills? I think I created a monster by paying all the bills for her since Day 1. I've asked her repeatedly if she is willing to get a higher paying job and every excuse known to mankind has come back. "i'm too old" (she's 39) "I'm not going to drive an hour to the job" (she could earn 2x her current pay with a 45 minute drive), etc. etc. So now I have this burning desire to get my distance, 100% to see if this relationship is about money or about love. I do love her but I'm starting to be very curious if she is in it for love or just to have her bills paid. The romance died off almost minutes after I told her (recently) I can no longer pay her bills. So now I'm in a dark place and the only light I see is with me living alone in my house doing what I want, when I want, and trying to regain my happiness. Am I wrong for asking for space? I'm at the point that if I do not get space soon, I will continue to harbor resentment and anger about the "not wanting to work" until the relationship simply shuts down and ends where both of us walk away with anger towards eachother. When I ask her to spend nights at her place I am given all kinds of manipulative statements as to why I'm bad for asking for this space. Any ideas? I'm at a loss as to what to do next other than to ask her to go back to her home and live apart for a while to see how we feel. Thanks, Murph. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 She could relocate to the moon and it won't make the least bit of difference if you continue to pay her bills. By all means tell her to moe back home. And quit paying her bills. I hope you aren't too into her because I suspect she'll just trade you in for someone else who'll pay her way. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted December 31, 2003 Share Posted December 31, 2003 You're not wrong for wanting to stop letting her use you. Your analysis is right on - she thinks she's found a meal ticket. [i want] to see if this relationship is about money or about love... I really doubt if there's anything here that's worth saving. When the meal ticket "expires", it gets thrown in the gutter. Sounds as if you're in for some awkwardness as you pry her fingers off your arm and get all her stuff boxed up and shipped. The payoff is you will feel much better at not having this false user hanging 'round your neck and blocking your line of sight. Next time - next woman - DON'T pay her bills! You know that already, but take your own advice seriously! And please don't take this lady as a representative sample. You sound like a nice, easygoing guy that many, many decent, hardworking women would be happy to share their lives with. Perhaps you'll want to screen a bit more closely for independence, pride and ethics before letting a gal into your heart next time. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 It isn't going to be easy and you are initially going to be lonely but what have you got to lose? She sounds like a gold-digger. And you'll then have the money to join a dating service and meet someone who is interested in more than your money. Link to post Share on other sites
AllyKat Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 If she got distant after saying you couldnt pay her bills, then yes it does sound like she liked that more. Maybe you could use some space, if you think you need it then you probably do! Do you still love/like her? Do you want some physical space but not emotional? Link to post Share on other sites
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