cheated on my BF - purely sexual - no feelings - feel bad

[sweetpepperminttea]

Hey all,

 

This is "another one of those posts"... :-)

 

I have been seeing a great super sweet attentionate sexy cute guy for the past two months... we love to hang out, spend time together, kiss, cuddle, etc... but there is just one thing... he doesn't attract me sexually at all... it's so weird !!!!!!! he's quite handsome, but whenever he touches me "it just doesn't do anything for me"....

 

I have been single for 3 years and in the past years i've changed my sexual habits and likes a little... i have become accustomed to more "quick and dirty" almost "anonymous" encounters with not much affection involved... :-o (i know, not great...)

 

anyways... the thing is, i have cheated on my BF two times now...

both times were just quickies, purely physical, no kissing, or other emotional type of stuff.... it's almost as if there are two sides to my personality... one "affectionate household type of one" and one "dirty-er"... and these two just dont seem to go together...

 

i just feel sooooooo bad now, cuz this guys is SO nice to me and i feel horrible for doing this to him ! he just doesn't deserve this !!!!!

he is all i've ever dreamed of, but i just don't feel "completely satisfied"...

 

I don't know what to do i won't tell...i can't... i dont want to hurt him !!!! but (just like many others on here)... i don't know how to deal with the guilt !!! feeling bad and having remorse makes me feel like i "love him" even more... feel scared about loosing the affection i have from him... but at the same time i feel like i won't be able to be myself around him anymore... i will not be able to be "happy jolly and un-worried" me around him now.... and i'm afraid it will just make us drift a part...

 

sorry for my long vent !!!!!!! :(

 

if anyone has any advice, or just "words of wisdom"... i'd be glad to hear it ! :-o

 

Peace

SPT

[reservoirdog1]

Let him go. Give him the "let's be friends" speech, only make it sincere in the hopes that he'll actually WANT to keep being friends. He doesn't turn you on, so you f*** other guys behind his back. That's no basis whatsoever for anything resembling a healthy relationship.

 

If you keep it going as you are, you're wasting his time and collossally disrespecting him.

[ella23]

I think you should end your relationship with your boyfriend if you don't feel sexually attracted to him. What you did is horrible, as you already know.

He should find someone who is 100% faithful to him and finds him attractive in all aspects. You should find someone who meets your requirements.

[sweetpepperminttea]

I think you should end your relationship with your boyfriend if you don't feel sexually attracted to him. What you did is horrible, as you already know.

He should find someone who is 100% faithful to him and finds him attractive in all aspects. You should find someone who meets your requirements.

 

Waw... what an honest but harsh response... (*** looking for a smiley that says - crying my eyes out ***) ...

 

i feel even worse now...

I guess in some kind of strange way, i'm just hoping that these "feelings of sexual attraction" will somehow somewhere show up as by magic and everything will be great !!!

desilusional much ? :-o

Edited January 29, 2010 by sweetpepperminttea

[harmfulsweetz]

You have to be honest with yourself. You won't stop because you aren't satisfied with him, and clearly, you need to be in that aspect. There's nothing wrong with admitting that to yourself. You can't deny that you will do it time and again because he doesn't do it for you. We've all been there, in relationships where the guy/girl is so great, so nice, but when they touch you, it just isn't it. I don't know what it is, but it's needed.

 

Break up with him, and look for someone who has what you want and need.

[ella23]

Waw... what an honest but harsh response... (*** looking for a smiley that says - crying my eyes out ***) ...

 

i feel even worse now...

I guess in some kind of strange way, i'm just hoping that these "feelings of sexual attraction" will somehow somewhere show up as by magic and everything will be great !!!

desilusional much ? :-o

Well, I'm sorry if that was too harsh.

You've been with your boyfriend for two months, so I don't see how you'll suddenly develop sexual feelings towards him when they are absent till now.

[Bryanp]

I am just curious but how would you feel if your boyfriend cheated on you recently with two different women for quickies and put your health at risk for STD's? Talk about totally disrespecting your boyfriend and relationship? You are engaging is self-destructive behavior. Hopefully your boyfriend will move on and find someone who can respect and appreciate him since you clearly do not. I predict when he finds someone else you will be kicking yourself for letting him go. You do not even respect him enough to tell him the truth since you are hiding behind the old line of not wanting to hurt him. The truth is that you do not wish to suffer the consequences to your actions. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you? Your whole relationship now is built on lies and deceit. He does not deserve this so tell him the truth and let him decide what he wishes to do. It the least you can do.

[whichwayisup]

Tell him the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay with you, give you a chance to work things out.

 

Question is, CAN you and ARE you willing to stay faithful and not cheat on him? Can you communicate your needs with him, make your sex life more spicey and interesting with HIM and not go outside the relationship to be with someone else?

 

Either way, you need to get tested for STD's, though I do hope you used a condom. Your bf needs to be tested as well.

 

Tell him the truth.

[silverstalkings]

I understand your dilemna. I was with someone for less than a month... he was actually very attractive in the conventional way, but for some reason I didn't have any sexual feelings or urges when around him. He was short(I'm not sure if that was it in itself, but some people like the feeling they are completely protected) and there was just no chemistry. He felt like a brother so I broke it off in rather short succession. A lot of chemistry they say has to do with smell and pheremones... this guy maybe didn't have the right smell! I don't know how someone so attractive can be so sexually unattractive! Figure it out for me!LOL

TAKE CARE!

[betamanlet]

Honestly, if I were to get cheated on, it would be less painful if I knew it wasn't just about sex.. What you're doing is even worse..

[norajane]

it's almost as if there are two sides to my personality... one "affectionate household type of one" and one "dirty-er"... and these two just dont seem to go together...

 

Of course they can go together. You can be affectionate and dirty - that's a perfect combination.

 

I don't think it's that there are two sides to your personality. I think you put HIM in one category, and the guys you bang in another category. It's too bad you never showed your dirty side to you bf, because you might have been surprised that he probably would have welcomed it and could have matched you. You sold him short - men love the "lady on their arm and the whore in their bedroom" kind of women!

 

It's too late now, though. You cheated, and there's no way to get past that without being honest with him, at which point he'd dump you if he has any self respect. And he wouldn't be dumping you because you like it dirty - he'd be dumping you because you lied and cheated and refused to be honest about your desires when you had the chance.

[pyroguy]

Of course they can go together. You can be affectionate and dirty - that's a perfect combination.

 

I don't think it's that there are two sides to your personality. I think you put HIM in one category, and the guys you bang in another category. It's too bad you never showed your dirty side to you bf, because you might have been surprised that he probably would have welcomed it and could have matched you. You sold him short - men love the "lady on their arm and the whore in their bedroom" kind of women!

 

It's too late now, though. You cheated, and there's no way to get past that without being honest with him, at which point he'd dump you if he has any self respect. And he wouldn't be dumping you because you like it dirty - he'd be dumping you because you lied and cheated and refused to be honest about your desires when you had the chance.

 

 

No truer words have been spoken. This is exactly what I've said in other threads. It's like the modern woman has her own version of the Modonna-whore syndrome.

 

They view one poor sucker as the husband, the guy who will be the dad, the emotional outlet, the guy who will take care of things around the house. Then, they want the hot dirty sex with someone else.

 

You're so right, given the chance, I'm sure some of these guys would surprise you. They're not going to whip out the dirty talk or rougher play right away, if they really like you. They don't know what their dealing with yet.

 

But, I think women today are buying too much into the whole cougar thing and sexual empowerment, and they don't want their husband or SO to be the hot sexual guy-too threatening. Rather, they prefer to give that status to others. Too bad.

 

OP, you should just let the poor guy go since you can't get those feelings for him. Give him a fair chance in life.

[sid3]

How can your bf be all that you ever dreamed of? That makes absolutely no sense

[stillafool]

Do yourself a favor and leave him. It is only a matter of time before he finds out what you have done and he will find out. You will feel more pain than you ever knew possible, so go. If you told him how you truly are he would be afraid for his life because what is to prevent you from doing this again? The guilt? I don't think so as that will only last as long as your next "gotta have it" attack. Go now and maybe you two can be freinds again one day but let this be a lesson. Make sure that the next guy you get with you feel sexual chemistry or you will cheat.

[Enema]

I think you should end your relationship with your boyfriend if you don't feel sexually attracted to him. What you did is horrible, as you already know.

He should find someone who is 100% faithful to him and finds him attractive in all aspects. You should find someone who meets your requirements.

 

I think this response was spot on and not harsh at all.

 

You just feel guilty because you know you're a terrible person.

 

Break up with him - he deserves better. You know it, we know it. You're just a coward afraid of the discomfort of "the talk".

[Template]

First things first, you really do need to be honest with yourself, and honest with your boyfriend. Let him know what you've done, and then decide if you want to stay together. If you do want to work it out, then you need to find out what's making you do the things you do.

 

Now here's the tricky part, you say that your boyfriend is everything you've always dreamed of - what does that mean, and more importantly, is it your dream, or a dream that was forced onto you. Are you just really just fooling yourself in thinking this is the guy.

 

Personally, I'm glad that you feel bad, as it shows you arent' just some heartless b**tch. I'd be rather worried if you weren't. However, your action reflect one of selfishness and dishonesty, everything a real loving relationship shouldn't. Remember, what goes around comes around, and be respectful to yourself at least and do the right thing. (hint: cheating on your bf is not it).

[Dexter Morgan]

anyways... the thing is, i have cheated on my BF two times now...

both times were just quickies, purely physical, no kissing, or other emotional type of stuff.... it's almost as if there are two sides to my personality... one "affectionate household type of one" and one "dirty-er"... and these two just dont seem to go together...

 

i just feel sooooooo bad now, cuz this guys is SO nice to me and i feel horrible for doing this to him ! he just doesn't deserve this !!!!!

 

no, he doesn't. he deserves someone better. so set him free from you....and break up with him.

 

 

he is all i've ever dreamed of, but i just don't feel "completely satisfied"...

 

 

and you never will, people like you never are, and because of that, you'll just end up cheating on him again.....so break up with him.

 

 

I don't know what to do i won't tell...i can't... i dont want to hurt him !!!!

 

ya, you're right...much better to cheat on him, know you can get away with it, and keep him in the dark:rolleyes:

 

 

but (just like many others on here)... i don't know how to deal with the guilt !!! feeling bad and having remorse makes me feel like i "love him" even more... feel scared about loosing the affection i have from him... but at the same time i feel like i won't be able to be myself around him anymore... i will not be able to be "happy jolly and un-worried" me around him now.... and i'm afraid it will just make us drift a part...

 

uh, if you effed another guy, there is already a drift between you 2.

 

 

sorry for my long vent !!!!!!! :(

 

if anyone has any advice, or just "words of wisdom"... i'd be glad to hear it ! :-o

 

yes, again.....break up with him so he can find someone decent.

[sweetpepperminttea]

First of all... thanks to all who posted "sensible" comments to my post... ! thanks for everyone who took the time to reply a "well-worded" message, even if it does sometimes point out a hard reality in all honesty...

On the other hand side... i came by this forum quite "by accident" and have to admit i didn't really expected this type of "public trial" when posting my message...

 

Ok, granted, i did something really bad, and i DO feel guilty and BAD about it... and YES, i did ask you for your advice or your words of "help"... but never could i imagine replies such as

 

- you're a horrible person

- "people like you"

- you're a coward

- break up with him so he can find someone decent...

 

Some people seem to have a veeeeeeery good insight in other peoples minds as apparantly they are able to make up a total picture of one's personality by 20 lines of text about ONE specific situation or a misstep in life which obviously doesnt make up a person's personality...

 

So much for being non-judgemental guys

[ella23]

First of all... thanks to all who posted "sensible" comments to my post... ! thanks for everyone who took the time to reply a "well-worded" message, even if it does sometimes point out a hard reality in all honesty...

On the other hand side... i came by this forum quite "by accident" and have to admit i didn't really expected this type of "public trial" when posting my message...

 

Ok, granted, i did something really bad, and i DO feel guilty and BAD about it... and YES, i did ask you for your advice or your words of "help"... but never could i imagine replies such as

 

- you're a horrible person

- "people like you"

- you're a coward

- break up with him so he can find someone decent...

 

Some people seem to have a veeeeeeery good insight in other peoples minds as apparantly they are able to make up a total picture of one's personality by 20 lines of text about ONE specific situation or a misstep in life which obviously doesnt make up a person's personality...

 

So much for being non-judgemental guys

I think the point is that since you're not sexually attracted to your boyfriend, do you really see a future with him?

[harmfulsweetz]

First of all... thanks to all who posted "sensible" comments to my post... ! thanks for everyone who took the time to reply a "well-worded" message, even if it does sometimes point out a hard reality in all honesty...

On the other hand side... i came by this forum quite "by accident" and have to admit i didn't really expected this type of "public trial" when posting my message...

 

Ok, granted, i did something really bad, and i DO feel guilty and BAD about it... and YES, i did ask you for your advice or your words of "help"... but never could i imagine replies such as

 

- you're a horrible person

- "people like you"

- you're a coward

- break up with him so he can find someone decent...

 

Some people seem to have a veeeeeeery good insight in other peoples minds as apparantly they are able to make up a total picture of one's personality by 20 lines of text about ONE specific situation or a misstep in life which obviously doesnt make up a person's personality...

 

So much for being non-judgemental guys

 

You have to take the good with the bad I'm afraid

 

I'm sorry you have found it to be such, but sometimes, it takes harsh words for people to see and realize what they have done.

 

Moving swiftly on: Have you decided what you are going to do? Think long and hard about what future you will have with him if you aren't sexually attracted to him. Don't feel bad about that bit, we don't decide who we like and who we don't. But you can't keep him hanging on when you already know it won't work. Good thing is, it's still early days with you both.

[TheLoneSock]

I have been seeing a great super sweet attentionate sexy cute guy

 

he doesn't attract me sexually at all... it's so weird !!!!!!! but whenever he touches me "it just doesn't do anything for me"....

 

So this guy's touch doesn't 'do' it for you...

 

i have become accustomed to more "quick and dirty" almost "anonymous" encounters with not much affection involved... both times were just quickies, purely physical, no kissing, or other emotional type of stuff....

 

Yet the touch of these men DOES 'do' it for you?

 

I think that explains everything. You're trashy, and you're turned on by trashy sex - and you can't get off unless you feel dirty and naughty. In short, your self esteem is garbage.

 

Don't worry, the truth always comes out, he'll leave you for a better woman.

[hoping2heal]

OP, do you have any history of sexual abuse or assault?

[sugar_and_spice]

So this guy's touch doesn't 'do' it for you...

 

 

 

Yet the touch of these men DOES 'do' it for you?

 

I think that explains everything. You're trashy, and you're turned on by trashy sex - and you can't get off unless you feel dirty and naughty. In short, your self esteem is garbage.

 

Don't worry, the truth always comes out, he'll leave you for a better woman.

 

what's thd point of making a post which won't help the op at all? She already accepts the mistake.

[sweetpepperminttea]

Thanks Sugar and Spice.... seems like "some people" just feel the need to put other people down to feel better about themselves... (and then end up being bitter, lone(socks)...)

 

btw... i'm a "he"... not a "she"

[TheLoneSock]

Thanks Sugar and Spice.... seems like "some people" just feel the need to put other people down to feel better about themselves... (and then end up being bitter, lone(socks)...)

 

btw... i'm a "he"... not a "she"

 

Lol mhm. I see you missed my point, because you didn't like me calling you trashy.

 

Your self esteem is extremely low. That was my point, and that is the source of your issue, IMO. I'm not here to build up your self esteem, I couldn't care less about that. I'm just calling it like I see it.