Husband joined a adult friend finder site? WTF?

[Black Eyed Susan]

Hello everyone. This is my first post and I am eager for your thoughts/ advice.

 

Briefly: Hubby and I have been together 4.5 years, married 1.5. Sex life is fine, usually good but probably not as often as he would like! He is a good man and I have never had any reason to doubt him (although I am a naturally suspicious person!) I know he looks at porn "when he is bored" and I don't like it but I accept it as it otherwise does not get in the way of our relationship.

 

 

About 3 weeks ago he relocated interstate for his "dream job." This is a temporary relocation - he will be back home in a few months. I am staying put and we will see each other about once a month until he returns. However, in his new location he is surrounded by people who are also from out of town, and have very little to do but drink and f*** in their spare time. He has admitted there is a lot of infidelity in that environment.

 

So, being the naturally suspicious person I am, today I opened his email account and saw a welcome message from a website called "Fling." If you are not familiar with it, it's basically an adult friend finder. Peple post pictures of themselves in various states of undress looking for hookups with like minded people. He has created an account - no pics or personal info other than his DOB.

 

WHY, WHY would he do this? Is he planning on being unfaithful while he is away? I felt quite distressed when I saw that he had joined this site. Yes, I accept that it was my fault - I went looking for trouble and I found it, but can there be a relatively harmless explanation? At best, if he was just curious, it is an extremely ill-advised thing to do when you are a married man. At worst . . well I don't want to think about it.

 

Any thoughts, or especially, advice on how I should confront this given that I WAS snooping . .

 

Thanks,

BES

[Tiny220]

Hey BES,

As a man let me say this, I can understand the porn thing, as a rejected husband I have to resort to porn. The adult friend finder,,,,, that is cause for concern. Look at it this way, he is either thinking of cheating,, or he is going to lie to someone there. I still love my wife dearly, and haven't even thought of doing something like that even though there has been no sex for a VERY VERY long time.

 

Now, you looking into his e-mail, was wrong,, but it confirmed suspicions you had,,,, so was it justified? I guess so.

 

T

[hoping2heal]

Yes, looking in his email is wrong but you know that. I agree with the other poster..porn is one thing..but to sign yourself up on a site? Not good, not good at all. Not to mention doing so when you and your wife will be long distance and only get to see eachother once a month? Yes, as I said..not good, not good at all.

[LucreziaBorgia]

WHY, WHY would he do this? Is he planning on being unfaithful while he is away?

 

People join AFF and sites like that for NSA sex, basically. Looks like he was in the market for someone to hook up with while he was there. There have been more than a few OW who met their MM on AFF and similar sites. Be careful, a good deal of the time one or both parties will try to make a relationship out of something that should be NSA only, and that can cause trouble for all parties involved.

 

Honestly, as much as I have cheated and cheated with other married/engaged/involved men, I can tell you this - if he wants to cheat while he is there, he will and nothing you say or do will convince him not to because he knows he can and will get away with it.

 

I'd be hiring a PI and talking to a lawyer at this point, though I can tell you that you can stop it from happening this time but you can't stop him from wanting to cheat in general unless he stands to lose HUGELY as a result from doing so.

 

If you hire a PI and catch him cheating, then I would have divorce papers waiting for him when he got home. That may be able to shake his head out of his ass and get him to counseling, but right now he has it in his mind that he is home-free for a few months and what you don't know won't hurt you.

[Lizzie60]

Sorry BES.. but yes.. He is looking to cheat while he's away... for him.. it's the ideal situation, far from home.. no one knows him there..

 

It is much easier to find other willing sex partners through a site like that...

 

and I agree with LB... even if you confront him with this.. he will surely say that it was a spam or something.. he will deny everything.. and he will be even more careful not to be caught in the future..

 

If you really want to catch him... hire a PI or wait to gather more information.

 

To sneak in his emails.. that's OK.. no big deal.. when people have nothing to hide.. they don't mind.. they get infuriated and insulted when they are trying to hide something... simple as that.. so don't worry about it.. most women.. would sneak if their little voice is telling them their man is cheating...

[Jeff1962]

.

 

Yes, I accept that it was my fault - I went looking for trouble and I found it, but can there be a relatively harmless explanation? At best, if he was just curious, it is an extremely ill-advised thing to do when you are a married man. At worst . . well I don't want to think about it.

 

Any thoughts, or especially, advice on how I should confront this given that I WAS snooping . .

 

Thanks,

BES

 

First of all. This is not your fault. Yes, you found this information but this does not make YOU wrong. My wife can look in my email account anytime because I have nothing to hide. Married people should not be on dating sites unless they have an agreement to do so.

 

I would only join a dating site for one reason and I'm sure you know what this reason is.

 

Curiosity? I doubt it. If he is wanting to see women naked there are plenty of places on the web that he could find this.

 

I feel bad for you. I really don't know what to say. One one hand if you confront him, this could make him more sneaky. On the other hand I feel as if you need to confront your H. over this.

 

You do deserve to be in a relationship that is based on honesty. You deserve to have an H. who is faithful to you.

 

I would be totally livid as well as very hurt.

[BlueeyedJonesy]

I'm so sorry! I'm going through the same thing, and it a punch in the gut to come across something like that. Maybe you should install a keylogger...if you don't want to confront him yet. Don't feel bad for snooping...obviously there was a reason for the worry. feel free to PM me any time if you want to talk. good luck

[Black Eyed Susan]

Ok, so I have to update the story.

 

I managed to think of an "innocent" excuse for checking his email, and asked him about the "Welcome" message I saw from fling.com.

 

He was totally calm, not at all flustered or agitated. He said, "yeah I know what you're talking about, I clicked on a link a friend had posted on Facebook and ever since I've been getting spammed." He actually sent me a screenshot of the link on Facebook that he clicked on. He ended the conversation by saying "C'mon babe, you know I'm not like that. I love you and you alone."

 

I should mention that when I checked his email, he had not opened the welcome message from Fling and had NOT activated the account. But can these sites actually create an account with your Facebook credentials just by clicking a link?? Is that even possible??

 

Well, I'm inclined to believe him. He has never given me any reason to believe that he is thinking of being unfaithful. It would be so out of character for him.

 

So maybe I was a little to quick to judge in this case . . it's just that no one wants to have the wool pulled over their eyes.

 

BES

[Tiny220]

Ok, so I have to update the story.

 

I managed to think of an "innocent" excuse for checking his email, and asked him about the "Welcome" message I saw from fling.com.

 

He was totally calm, not at all flustered or agitated. He said, "yeah I know what you're talking about, I clicked on a link a friend had posted on Facebook and ever since I've been getting spammed." He actually sent me a screenshot of the link on Facebook that he clicked on. He ended the conversation by saying "C'mon babe, you know I'm not like that. I love you and you alone."

 

I should mention that when I checked his email, he had not opened the welcome message from Fling and had NOT activated the account. But can these sites actually create an account with your Facebook credentials just by clicking a link?? Is that even possible??

 

Well, I'm inclined to believe him. He has never given me any reason to believe that he is thinking of being unfaithful. It would be so out of character for him.

 

So maybe I was a little to quick to judge in this case . . it's just that no one wants to have the wool pulled over their eyes.

 

BES

 

Hey BES,

 

I don't know what to say,, anything I have clicked on Facebook, I have had to then click "OK" to allow the access,, I don't know you or your husband,, so I can't make judgment to that excuse,, Becareful if he is telling the truth, you could drive him away,, but,, you had suspicions,, and found something that seemed to confirm them. The fact he hadn't activated the account, is a good thing, unless he was being super duper cautious, and you "fell into his trap.

 

I honestly don't know what to say. You are in a sticky situation.

 

T

[LucreziaBorgia]

I looked at the site. Call me a cynic, but a man moving to another place temporarily who just happens to get an email from a site advertising short term hookups in a certain area? Having been a hardened and very experienced cheat myself back in my younger days (one who had a knack at lying my way out of any and all situations), I can tell you - keep your eyes open.

[TinyLee222]

Ok, so I have to update the story.

 

I managed to think of an "innocent" excuse for checking his email, and asked him about the "Welcome" message I saw from fling.com.

 

He was totally calm, not at all flustered or agitated. He said, "yeah I know what you're talking about, I clicked on a link a friend had posted on Facebook and ever since I've been getting spammed." He actually sent me a screenshot of the link on Facebook that he clicked on. He ended the conversation by saying "C'mon babe, you know I'm not like that. I love you and you alone."

 

I should mention that when I checked his email, he had not opened the welcome message from Fling and had NOT activated the account. But can these sites actually create an account with your Facebook credentials just by clicking a link?? Is that even possible??

 

Well, I'm inclined to believe him. He has never given me any reason to believe that he is thinking of being unfaithful. It would be so out of character for him.

 

So maybe I was a little to quick to judge in this case . . it's just that no one wants to have the wool pulled over their eyes.

 

BES

 

Oh boy. I know you want to believe this so much but it's just too

convinient that he is starting to work out of area and this email pops

up. I know you said you were "naturally suspicious" but ask yourself

honestly what your gut feeling is. It's usually right on. IMO, I would

accept his excuse for now and keep your eyes and ears open. How

about a surprise visit on a Friday night to his new place of employment

once he starts? If nothing is happening he should be thrilled to see you

 

 

Lee

[pinkstar]

You are a smart woman...I think what you did was great! I think your husband was seeking for some adventure, but not seriously decided on cheating. Maybe just for some fun, to try new things. But as others said, I think you should meet him more than once a month.

 

I have experienced working with men who were away from their family. Some of them got girl friend but there were some who were very faithful, they used video call, voice call only to be in touch with their wife. Whenever, there were girls around and they remembered their family, immediately they called their wives..So I do not want to make you suspicious, just keep in touch with your husband and try to control a bit, but not to make him frustrated.

[New_Life08]

He is your husband, you had every right to look in the email. Not too many spouses respect privacy when suspicions arise.

 

I am just guessing but I would say he is going through a point where the porn has added to some sexual curiosities and fantasies he has. I think we all have them at some point but acting on them is not an option. I would be very concerned that he is at a point where he is ready to act on it. Obviously he went out of his way to create an account or he would not have gotten a welcome message. If he was just curious and looked and then left, he would have gotten a spam message asking him to create an account. Married people do not just create accounts at fling sites for the heck of it. It is a bold statement that he is ready to stray (if he hasn't already).

 

You need not to worry about "snooping" in his email. When your fears are justified the snooping is last thing to worry about. You need to tell him..."damn right I looked in your email, and I want some answers... pronto!" He has no leg to stand on to turn this into a trust issue.

 

Hang in there and stand your ground!

[BlueeyedJonesy]

BES, you can't look at those sites without a member profile. They don't create one just by clicking a link. you have to enter in your email and everything. Heres what you do... go to the site click the login area, click forgot your password, it will send him his password to his email..if there isn't a password sent to his email then hes telling you the truth. If there is a password then he has a profile.

[giotto]

BES, you can't look at those sites without a member profile. They don't create one just by clicking a link. you have to enter in your email and everything. Heres what you do... go to the site click the login area, click forgot your password, it will send him his password to his email..if there isn't a password sent to his email then hes telling you the truth. If there is a password then he has a profile.

 

 

smarty-pants!

[Tiny220]

BES, you can't look at those sites without a member profile. They don't create one just by clicking a link. you have to enter in your email and everything. Heres what you do... go to the site click the login area, click forgot your password, it will send him his password to his email..if there isn't a password sent to his email then hes telling you the truth. If there is a password then he has a profile.

 

Wow Jonesy,

Hadn't thought of that.

 

Good thinking. I hope he is telling the truth,, but,,,,,,,,,,.

 

Ya know, I hate when I have been so faithful to my wife,, even with all we have been through,, and then there is stuff like this.

 

Good luck BES

 

T

[Tiny220]

It will be interesting if he changes his log-on for his e-mail.

 

T

[Samantha0905]

I remember when I first heard about match.com, I wondered who in the world would use those sites? I'm from a different time period. I kept wondering about different things -- dates that end up being stalkers, safety, etc.

 

Finally, curiosity killed the cat and I figured I'd go look to see who (in my city) actually would sign up. I didn't realize you had to fill out so much information, write an essay, etc. but I had fun with it and did it anyway.

 

Once I joined, I could see who was on there. Then the emails started -- not from other people as I never uploaded a photo with my false profile which I totally made up -- the emails were advertisement after advertisement.

 

It took quite a while to finally be completely un-registered.

 

My point is, some people may just be curious about the sites. I was not looking for a date. I even told my husband the story as I thought it was hilarious.

[Angel1111]

I don't think there was anything wrong with looking at his email. A husband and wife's lives should be an open book. Whoever thinks it's ok for spouses to have secrets from each other is in trouble. I do understand that people don't share every little thing with their spouses, but I do believe there should be no email accounts, bank accounts, or anything else that the spouse doesn't have access to. This is a bad sign that there's either a lack of trust or that someone's hiding something.

 

Yes, I think this is a red flag that he signed up on this site. I think he's toying with the idea of cheating on you. Even if he got on that site out of curiosity, it still says that he's possibly considering this.

Edited February 1, 2010 by Angel1111

[Barky]

Is he planning on being unfaithful while he is away?

 

Um, YEAH.....

[Black Eyed Susan]

I know from the outside it looks dodgy. But to be honest, I was so shocked when I saw the initial email because it was so completely out of character for him. The long-distance thing should not be an issue for us - we have had long separations before (he was in Iraq for six months) and there has been no hint of unfaithfulness or playing around. He is the kind of person people would refer to as a "good guy."

 

I know that the account has a password and a profile. I am keeping an eye on it to see if there is any activity. If there is, I will confront him.

 

He has not changed his email login - but why would he? That would look very suss when he easily create a new email account somewhere else for the purposes of receiving untoward communications!

 

It'd difficult. On one hand I don't want to be taken for a ride. But on the other hand, I don't want to doubt him if he IS honest. On the balance of it, I have to trust him when in the past he has not given me any reason not to trust him.

 

But keeping my eyes wide open . .

 

BES

[Barky]

Just keepin' it real when I say: You're living in a fantasy world with regard to the dude's faithfulness.

 

However, I thank my lucky stars every day that women tend to do the very thing that you're doing... intentional self-blindness.

[Tiny220]

I know from the outside it looks dodgy. But to be honest, I was so shocked when I saw the initial email because it was so completely out of character for him. The long-distance thing should not be an issue for us - we have had long separations before (he was in Iraq for six months) and there has been no hint of unfaithfulness or playing around. He is the kind of person people would refer to as a "good guy."

 

I know that the account has a password and a profile. I am keeping an eye on it to see if there is any activity. If there is, I will confront him.

 

He has not changed his email login - but why would he? That would look very suss when he easily create a new email account somewhere else for the purposes of receiving untoward communications!

 

It'd difficult. On one hand I don't want to be taken for a ride. But on the other hand, I don't want to doubt him if he IS honest. On the balance of it, I have to trust him when in the past he has not given me any reason not to trust him.

 

But keeping my eyes wide open . .

 

BES

 

Wait a min,,, post #9 you said he had NOT activated the account, now you say he has,, THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON. I would suspect he has another account, and this account is a diversion. He wants to keep this account and say "see baby, I'm not using this account"

 

T

[LucreziaBorgia]

One of his friends who does similar things probably gave him the heads up on how to throw off the unsuspecting spouse.

[New_Life08]

First of all. This is not your fault. Yes, you found this information but this does not make YOU wrong. My wife can look in my email account anytime because I have nothing to hide. Married people should not be on dating sites unless they have an agreement to do so.

 

I would only join a dating site for one reason and I'm sure you know what this reason is.

 

Curiosity? I doubt it. If he is wanting to see women naked there are plenty of places on the web that he could find this.

 

I feel bad for you. I really don't know what to say. One one hand if you confront him, this could make him more sneaky. On the other hand I feel as if you need to confront your H. over this.

 

You do deserve to be in a relationship that is based on honesty. You deserve to have an H. who is faithful to you.

 

I would be totally livid as well as very hurt.

 

 

Yeah, and I checked out this site to get an idea of what it was about and there is very explicit naked pics of mainly women on the home page.... you don't even have to be a member to see these. So if he just wanted stimulation...believe me the home page should be enough!

 

My goodness I think I hear trampling of the LS guys feet heading to that site!! LOL!

 

Seriously..it is not something he had to join to see sexually explicit women. He would only join it to see what is available in his area. Whether he would act on it or not might be another thing. I think it's possible for someone to go that far and then chicken out from guilt or fear. But that is your judgment call.