This is hard..

[Panov]

First of all, this is my first post..

 

My name is Eugene, I am 17-years-old, I live in Pennsylvania and I am in love with a girl who lives in Texas.

 

We met through MySpace and I thought she was pretty cute so I gave her my phone number. She eventually started text messaging me and she took interest in me but I didn't because I just recently got out of a relationship.

 

After a while, I decided to give her a chance and that day on forward, I never looked back because I fell in love with her. She has an amazing personality, she's beautiful, she makes me smile all the time, she makes me feel comfortable with who I am and I feel like I can tell her everything.

 

It's only been about a month and a few days, I know it's quick to fall in love with someone but I think she's perfect for me. Eventually, we had stupid arguments sometimes that I didn't understand at all but that really didn't effect us but about a week ago something went wrong.. I don't know what it was but I felt like I couldn't make her happy anymore, she just seemed so dull all the sudden. I always ask her what's wrong? And she says nothing but I never thought it was nothing. Yesterday she told me she has feelings for her ex-boyfriend but she wants nothing to do with him. I was thinking it was because she never got to see me (Her ex-boyfriend lived nearby). I was upset but I love her so I let that slide. I called her last night and it was just really awkward, we barely spoke, it was mostly silence.

 

I really love her, I don't want to blame her but I think it's mostly her. I feel a connection where when I feel that she's not happy.. it makes me not happy and it all goes to hell. I try to keep a positive attitude but it's not working.

 

I really need advice.. but please don't tell me that it won't work so you should break up with her because that will never cross my mind, ever.

 

There is always a way for a problem to be solved.. and I think one of the solutions is being with her, but we're still kids.. I have no job, no car.. she has no job, no car but we're planning to see each other in the summer.

[Rollercoasterr]

Sweetie, how exactly were you planning on seeing each other this summer? Give this some actual real thought and not just the "we'll make it happen", because that's really unrealistic. You have to look at hard facts here. Do your parents know about her? Do hers know about you? Do you think your parents or her parents are going to fund a trip for you or her to travel to the other side of the country to see a girl/boy you met on myspace? Without a car or a job you are going to be solely relying on them for your trip. Now do you really think it's going to happen? If so, then great!!!

 

However, this has only been a month and some days, like you said. Now I know you're only 17 and you stated that you're both still kids in your post, but at 17 it's time to put a foot into the adult world and stop with the petty arguments. This is childish high school stuff. At a month in you should still be in your honeymoon phase. You should be absolutely crazy about her and she should be about you. But she isn't. She's saying she still has feelings for her ex.

 

And part of that is because she IS still a kid, and kids aren't ready for LDRs.

Take me at my word for that, because I really honestly DO know. My fiance and I met online when I was 15 and he was 17. We loved each other SOOO much, but we were still kids and those stupid fights happened and it ended, and it was the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life. It took 4 tears for us to find each other again and get back to the point that we are now.

 

I'm not going to say to break up with her, but I will say that the chances of this working out are very slim. I know that's not what you want to hear, and that's not what I wanted to hear 6 years ago, but it's the honest truth.

[Panov]

Just because we're kids it doesn't mean we're not ready. I hate how people rely on age and say your not ready for this kind of stuff. I can be 17 and still be mature about it, I've been looking for a serious relationship for quite some time.. I'm not the type of person that likes to fool around and neither is she, we both know that. I forgot to mention that she can drive, and I'm planning on getting a job and taking my permit test and even though I have to wait quite some time to get my license it's worth it.

 

Don't underestimate love, because you're wrong.

 

I'm talking to her right now, we're trying to work things out for the better.

[EricaH329]

Just because we're kids it doesn't mean we're not ready. I hate how people rely on age and say your not ready for this kind of stuff. I can be 17 and still be mature about it.

 

This stood out to me, because yes you most certainly can be 17 and handle this situation with maturity, but it does not sound like you are. Petty arguements? That is not mature.

 

I'm talking to her right now, we're trying to work things out for the better.

 

Good luck! Just know that with maturity, comes wisdom. And there are some things that you cannot do to change things. Since this has to do with her, and what she's going through, all you can basically do is talk to her about things and try to decide whether or not she's ready for this relationship.

 

If she has feelings for her ex still, and they aren't going away, then she is not ready for a relationship. She will not be able to give you all of her, since a part of her is still with her ex.

[Panov]

This stood out to me, because yes you most certainly can be 17 and handle this situation with maturity, but it does not sound like you are. Petty arguements? That is not mature.

 

 

 

Good luck! Just know that with maturity, comes wisdom. And there are some things that you cannot do to change things. Since this has to do with her, and what she's going through, all you can basically do is talk to her about things and try to decide whether or not she's ready for this relationship.

 

If she has feelings for her ex still, and they aren't going away, then she is not ready for a relationship. She will not be able to give you all of her, since a part of her is still with her ex.

 

Thanks for the positive response, and as for the arguments.. they're not childish, they're just kinda complex and difficult to understand from her point of view. I guess I just don't understand what's going on through her mind.

 

She's been telling me that she wants nothing to do with her ex-boyfriend because she loves me and from what I said before, I think the only real reason she has feelings for him is because I can't give her what he gave her and that's being there physically.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Panov

[XKatieX]

First of all, I would like to say I know what you're going through Eugene.

 

I can really relate to your thread, because I too am a teen that was in a LDR relationship. I have to disagree that because of the age you can't make things work. I was 12 years old..yes just 12 years old when I first met my SO now we were just friends then, but we didn't actually start dating until I was 13. We were very much in love, we went through the first month of the honeymoon stage and it was amazing. I asked him to wait for me until we could be together, and he said yes..our love for each other kept us together. Now I'm 16, so 3 years we were together. We also had stupid arguments, that sometimes we woudn't talk for weeks a time, but we always found our way back to each other. He can drive and does have a full time job, I go to school and I'm not driving yet..but will be soon. The hardest part is being so limited to what you can do, but if you love someone no matter how old you are, you CAN make it work..it just has to be with the right person.

 

As for my advice, the only thing you can really do is give her time. If she still is caught up in her ex when she is with you, I hate to say maybe you should move on. She might just need time to get over her ex, especially if she just got out of a relationship.

[EricaH329]

Thanks for the positive response, and as for the arguments.. they're not childish, they're just kinda complex and difficult to understand from her point of view.

 

She's been telling me that she wants nothing to do with her ex-boyfriend because she loves me and from what I said before, I think the only real reason she has feelings for him is because I can't give her what he gave her and that's being there physically.

 

That's understandable. I can see why she would feel that way. But... if she does really love you, then there aren't enough emotions to be giving to her ex. I love my ex, and so I am not able to love anyone else. He has my heart, all of it. And he is in another country!

 

It's not fair to you to be with someone who loves you, but romantically cares for someone else. I think she has a lot of thinking to do.

[Panov]

First of all, I would like to say I know what you're going through Eugene.

 

I can really relate to your thread, because I too am a teen that was in a LDR relationship. I have to disagree that because of the age you can't make things work. I was 12 years old..yes just 12 years old when I first met my SO now we were just friends then, but we didn't actually start dating until I was 13. We were very much in love, we went through the first month of the honeymoon stage and it was amazing. I asked him to wait for me until we could be together, and he said yes..our love for each other kept us together. Now I'm 16, so 3 years we were together. We also had stupid arguments, that sometimes we woudn't talk for weeks a time, but we always found our way back to each other. He can drive and does have a full time job, I go to school and I'm not driving yet..but will be soon. The hardest part is being so limited to what you can do, but if you love someone no matter how old you are, you CAN make it work..it just has to be with the right person.

 

As for my advice, the only thing you can really do is give her time. If she still is caught up in her ex when she is with you, I hate to say maybe you should move on. She might just need time to get over her ex, especially if she just got out of a relationship.

 

Ah, that's what I feel like.. that nothing can stop us, as long as we love together. We're talking now, so far so good and hopefully it will remain that way.

 

I feel like she's my other half, like we're one person, just in different bodies. Even though we don't have many similarities, I love everything about her and what she does for me.

 

I always think about the day when we'll meet each other, even if it'll be awkward, I'll be stunned because I have such a perfect girl in my life and hopefully, even if it's too soon to say.. I hope I'll spend the rest of my life with her.

 

That's understandable. I can see why she would feel that way. But... if she does really love you, then there aren't enough emotions to be giving to her ex. I love my ex, and so I am not able to love anyone else. He has my heart, all of it. And he is in another country!

 

It's not fair to you to be with someone who loves you, but romantically cares for someone else. I think she has a lot of thinking to do.

 

I know it's not fair, but eventually (hopefully) those feelings will go away. Normally I would break it off to be honest, but I don't feel like it's a good enough reason to leave her. It's hard to let go of someone that you deeply care for and love. I forgive her.

Edited January 30, 2010 by Panov

[Rollercoasterr]

I don't underestimate love, I never have. I held on to the thought of my fiance and I getting back together for 4 years. There were times when I should have given up, but I didn't. And look at us now.

 

The fact that you immediately shot out in frustration at my initial post proves that you aren't as mature as you thought you were. In order to be truly mature you have to think about both sides of the argument and not only fight for one side blindly. If at the end of the day you've looked at both sides with honesty and you still choose your initial side, so be it.

 

You never answered the very first question I asked you. How do you plan on seeing her this summer??? And what of the parental situation?

 

I really hope this works out for you the way it worked out for me. Heaven knows Mathew and I have had a rough go at it, and we still are until he gets his approval for us to get married. But I honestly believe that when love is pure and true it will prevail through all. I also believe in being realistic and looking at both sides of the fence before jumping blindly off the other side.

 

Good luck.

[Panov]

I wasn't frustrated, I was just saying.. sorry if it seemed rude.

And sorry, forgot to answer that.. I'm saving up money and so is she, our parents are okay with it but uneasy with the distance.

 

My Mom is actually happy that I've found someone that accepts me for who I am and makes me happy.

 

I'm going to be honest, I have a speech impediment.. I stutter, not severely but I do. When we first talked on the phone, I was quite nervous and I stuttered a lot.. she didn't say a word about it, she never mentioned it until I told her. That's why I feel comfortable with her, she accepts me for who I am. She didn't laugh at me or even giggle.. she just thinks it's cute.. which is a more mature response.

 

Also when I asked her, "What if we can't see each other during the summer" She said "Well, we'll just have to wait for another opportunity"

Edited January 30, 2010 by Panov

[hoping2heal]

Ah, that's what I feel like.. that nothing can stop us, as long as we love together. We're talking now, so far so good and hopefully it will remain that way.

 

I feel like she's my other half, like we're one person, just in different bodies. Even though we don't have many similarities, I love everything about her and what she does for me.

 

I know you don't want to hear this but you are not being rational at all. You're talking about a woman who has been withdrawn from you because she still has feelings for ANOTHER man. She says she won't act on them and maybe she never will, but it doesn't change the fact that she has them and they are so strong they are causing her to be sad and withdrawn in her relationship with you. You love her, but she doesn't love you in that same way in return if her heart belongs to someone else. It wouldn't matter if you were 17 or 27, 37, 47, 87! That still wouldn't change this simple truth here. It also doesn't matter if you have a job, a plan, nothing.

 

You seem to think that you can fix this problem by going to see her. You can see her until you are blue in the fact, it will not change the fact that you are not her ex. You are not the person she is yearning for to a point she is withdrawing for you and you never will be wether you are 2 feet away or 2 states. You are so desperate to believe the story that YOU want to play out. You need to face facts.

 

I always think about the day when we'll meet each other, even if it'll be awkward, I'll be stunned because I have such a perfect girl in my life and hopefully, even if it's too soon to say.. I hope I'll spend the rest of my life with her.

 

No one is perfect. You need to really give it some thought when your self proclaimed perfect girl's heart belongs to another man.

 

I know it's not fair, but eventually (hopefully) those feelings will go away. Normally I would break it off to be honest, but I don't feel like it's a good enough reason to leave her. It's hard to let go of someone that you deeply care for and love. I forgive her.

 

Yes it is hard to let go of someone. You talk about how you can handle this maturely at 17 years old but when you are in a situation where your own girlfriend is withdrawing from your relationship together because of her feelings for her ex, you WON"T let go. You won't accept reality and cut your losses. You feel so strongly you need to FORCE this relationship to work instead of trying to accept and face the truth.

[XKatieX]

During the first year of my LDR, we met online and I never saw my SO once..not on cam, or in person. This was because of how young I was, but still we got through it. I think you can make it through if you can't see each other for a year or so, but again it depends on the two of you. In another year, you would have your license, a job and you would be of the legal age to leave home and be with her. You're actually pretty lucky , I wish I had met my SO at 17 ;( instead of such a young age, and having to wait so long.

 

Also with the other posters, you have to take in consideration that she is young. She might still be confused, and that's why I say I think time is the best option. But if you stay with this girl and she still is thinking about her ex, then you are just setting yourself up for pain. Also you say you "think" its because he could be there for her and you can't..but have you asked her? Another question, how long was it when her and her ex broke up?

Edited January 30, 2010 by XKatieX

[Panov]

I know you don't want to hear this but you are not being rational at all. You're talking about a woman who has been withdrawn from you because she still has feelings for ANOTHER man. She says she won't act on them and maybe she never will, but it doesn't change the fact that she has them and they are so strong they are causing her to be sad and withdrawn in her relationship with you. You love her, but she doesn't love you in that same way in return if her heart belongs to someone else. It wouldn't matter if you were 17 or 27, 37, 47, 87! That still wouldn't change this simple truth here. It also doesn't matter if you have a job, a plan, nothing.

 

Well, I might have misused the word feelings, I meant she misses him because for what he would do. That's what I mean by not being able to see her because I can't give her what her ex gave her.

 

No one is perfect. You need to really give it some thought when your self proclaimed perfect girl's heart belongs to another man.

 

In my eyes, she's perfect. **** happens, but that doesn't change the way I think about her.

 

Yes it is hard to let go of someone. You talk about how you can handle this maturely at 17 years old but when you are in a situation where your own girlfriend is withdrawing from your relationship together because of her feelings for her ex, you WON"T let go. You won't accept reality and cut your losses. You feel so strongly you need to FORCE this relationship to work instead of trying to accept and face the truth.

 

You're basically just repeating the same thing over and over again. So lets say you were in love with a guy who had mild to no feelings for his ex-girlfriend, you would instantly break up with him because there's nothing you can do to change that? If you give it time, things will fall into place, if they don't.. well it was worth a shot.

 

During the first year of my LDR, we met online and I never saw my SO once..not on cam, or in person. This was because of how young I was, but still we got through it. I think you can make it through if you can't see each other for a year or so, but again it depends on the two of you. In another year, you would have your license, a job and you would be of the legal age to leave home and be with her. You're actually pretty lucky , I wish I had met my SO at 17 ;( instead of such a young age, and having to wait so long.

 

Also with the other posters, you have to take in consideration that she is young. She might still be confused, and that's why I say I think time is the best option. But if you stay with this girl and she still is thinking about her ex, then you are just setting yourself up for pain. Also you say you "think" its because he could be there for her and you can't..but have you asked her? Another question, how long was it when her and her ex broke up?

 

I like your posts, you actually make some sense out of this, which I could kind of refer to.

 

Like I said before, I said the wrong word, she doesn't have feelings for him, she just misses the things he would do for her. I'm not able to be there for her so it's a possibility..

 

I'm willing to take risks.. I'd do anything to be with this girl. I'd rather wait and see if things get better rather then instantly cutting her out of my life.

 

Also, so far it's going better then what I expected.

[Rollercoasterr]

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I have way more respect for myself than what you're acting like you have for yourself.

 

If I was drop dead in love with a boy that had feelings/missed/attracted to/anything related to another girl I would leave. I would walk away and be torn up as hell, but I would take myself out of the situation. Knowing that the person I loved had thoughts about another girl would be way too much for me to take. And if I wasn't enough for him, then so be it.

 

I trust Mathew 1000%. I KNOW I'm enough for him. We may be 1000 miles apart and both get so sexually frustrated that it hurts but our only thoughts are about each other and NEVER EVER any one else.

 

I'm glad that your parents know and everything, that helps. Where do you plan on staying while you're there????

[ecco51]

I was in this situation but the other way around. I thought I was ready for a relationship after getting out of a year long relationship with a girl I thought was perfect. I was wrong. I dated this girl for about 6 months and eventually I broke it off with her bc I wasn't ready at all to be emotionally intimate with another girl. I guess you can say that it was my problem, but honestly the only thing that got me FULLY over her was time. I then met my current gf and was blown away, I haven't seen her in 3 months due to the distance but never once after meeting her had I ever thought about my exs.

 

You're going to have to feel this one out yourself my man, no one is going to be able to give you perfect advice. In my experiences from being on the other side, time and space was the only thing to get me over them. Maybe telling her you want a break for awhile could snap her into shape about her thoughts and make her realize you're the most perfect, godly creatuure with a penis she's ever met lol. Just remember this early into a relationship you gotta still look out for yourself a little

[hoping2heal]

You're basically just repeating the same thing over and over again. So lets say you were in love with a guy who had mild to no feelings for his ex-girlfriend, you would instantly break up with him because there's nothing you can do to change that? If you give it time, things will fall into place, if they don't.. well it was worth a shot.

 

 

 

Yes, If he was at the point where he was withdrawing from OUR relationship because of his feelings for her? I absolutely would break up with him. I need intimacy in my relationships and you can't have that when one person's heart is in and the other person's heart is out there somewhere else. You are deluding yourself to call it "mild to no feelings." No one withdraws and gets sad over "mild to no feelings" and pulls back in their own relationship. You know, if I am totally set on buying this gorgeous beach house and then learn that the foundation is shakey and it's in a high risk area for hurricaines..do you think I'm going to decide to put my investments into that house so I can say "Well! Yeah fine! So the foundation isn't solid and there's hurricaines come this way all the time. You know what? If the house makes it another year, great! If not..gee all that time and hope I poured in knowing better was still the way to go!" That is what you are acting like. You are being stubborn and thinking with your heart and not using your head at all.

 

 

The only thing you are listening too is people who tell you what you want to hear. You are like that happy bunny with your ears covered "I"m Not Listening!"

[EricaH329]

I agree with hoping2heal.

 

While you are being very hopeful (which can be detrimental to actual reality), you are missing the main point.

 

When two people are in a relationship, their feelings and emotions should be focused on eachother. Not anyone else outside of the relationship (romantically). You are being cheated out of a healthy, normal relationship.

 

While you say that you 'forgive her' (which i'm sorry to say is a little naive, you cannot forgive someone for the way that they feel), you are not realizing that this girl is missing another man. Please re-read the italics over and over again until you realize the gravity of this situation.

 

She is not right to be in a relationship with you while she still has feelings for another person. Yes, she may have feelings for you also, but are you really alright with being in a relationship with someone who cares for someone else? And to the extent that it is? I mean, you say that it's not a big deal but she is obviously effected by this. It's causing problems in the relationship.

 

I just think you need to take yourself out of this situation, and look at it from a third person perspective. It's hard not to see things for what they really are when you are caught up in the moment. I just see this ending horribly.

[Match Factor]

Your love is raw and on the surface. It is pure and strong. Some people never feel the emotions that you are going through. Some people go through life never feeling as intensely as you feel right now. I appreciate that you are "All In" this relationship. Your love is so intense that you feel as if you are going to explode. Being so far away from her is excruciatingly difficult and makes everything more difficult. The distance adds to a feeling of a lack of control or influence.

 

I know how you feel. I too believe that love conquers all. I believe that with love any obstacle can be overcome. I also know that it is going to take both of you to make this work. Her mentioning that she had feelings for her old boyfriend cannot be overstated. These are feelings that she must come to terms with alone. She needs time to decide what she wants to do. You cannot help her explore these feelings objectively.

 

Women do not tell men they want to spend the rest of lives with, that they still have feelings for their ex even if they do. You have several women responding to you telling you that her saying this to you is not a good thing.

 

Whether you want to believe them or not is up to you. But you should know this, the status quo is not working for you, and it cannot change until she comes to terms with her feelings for this other man.

 

I think she loves you and trusts you, but the kind of relationship you are looking for... the kind of relationship you deserve is so much better than this. I know it is hard to believe, but your epic love has yet to come. If it is with this girl, then you will have to let her go now. If it with someone else, then you will have to prepare yourself for her coming. Either way my dear friend, you must be brave and let her go. I pray you have the strength.

[Panov]

Sorry I haven't responded in a while, things are going great.. I decided to go with what I thought. She said she no longer has any feelings for him, she's not communicating with him, etc.

 

Over the past week or so we've been happy and everything and today I kinda felt like she was acting different. She tells me she doesn't know why her mood changed and she's behaving differently but it's really irritating and I was so frustrated that I just told her I don't want to talk tonight. I don't understand whats going on through her head, she's saying she's fine but I don't know if she is telling the truth or not. Last time she said that she missed/had feelings for her ex and she didn't tell me because she was afraid to hurt me.

 

If she's not being honest now, then I don't know what will happen in the future.. I love her very much and I don't want to lose her.

 

I also recently found out that this is her first ldr and that's why it's probably so difficult for us at the moment. I'm trying to do my best to keep us out of arguments and just trying to make this work.. but it's so damn difficult.. I can't comfort her when she's upset or something because most of the time she says its nothing and when I try to comfort her she just gives me a weird one word response. I guess the only reason it's not working so well is because we have some communication problems and without that ldrs won't work.

 

Any advice? if there is to be any given.