I can't stand my brother's wife.

[apearlfromgrit]

I don't have the strength to give the whole backstory so here's the point: my brother's wife is spiteful, rude, childish and prone to truly shocking episodes of anger and hurtful behavior. Her violent temper is on a hair trigger and is very frequently aimed at me. Just a few days ago I asked her, in the course of a long friendly gchat, why it's been so difficult for her and my brother to make arrangements to come to visit me for my law school graduation. They travel frequently and are old hands at making travel arrangements but for some reason this trip seems to completely baffle them. I didn't intend for my comment to be accusatory, I didn't mean to suggest slacking or stupidity on their part, I just asked as carefully as I could why a trip that they've known they were going to take for the past three years seems to be unusually irksome to plan. I know how sensitive she is and I have sucked it up for years and trod on eggshells to avoid waking her inner, sleeping bitch and I did so this time, saying "please, don't take this as a criticism, I'm just puzzled." Apparently she thought that meant "please, take this as a criticism, I'm attacking you." After a long chat rant that started off with "OK, apearlfromgrit, I'm going to have to cut this off right here" and ended with her saying that I had just "let it rip with the wrong person," I then got a long, angry email that actually "quoted" things from our chat that I had never said, accused me of throwing a "pity party," swore at me and towards the end was in all caps. After talking to my brother, I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she must just have misunderstood me and sent an apology home with him, to avoid another misinterpretation. I haven't gotten, nor do I think I will ever get, a return apology from her for her bonkers overreaction, just as I have never gotten one before. This is the last in a string of these episodes. I've gotten the sharp end of her temper more often than not for the past five years. I just don't think I can deal with it anymore. My brother is, understandably, more interested in keeping the peace at home than anything else and will always side with her because it's easier to live with her when she feels she's right. And he takes her side because she's he wife and he should. But he totally ignores how hurtful her behavior is, how hurtful it is to basically be told that I have to put up with it and that I am never entitled to an apology or a change in behavior. It's getting to the point where I feel I'm being forced into an abusive relationship against my will, that my relationship with my brother is being held hostage on the condition that I continue to eat **** from this woman and sweetly ask for more. I need outside, impartial input. I need to figure out how I can stand up for myself in a non-confrontational way, how I can make it clear that I deserve respect and apologies but without making the situation worse. I don't want to fight fire with fire. I don't want to beat her down just to show her how it feels. I just want to be treated equally and not as though I'm a lesser person than she is, undeserving of care and consideration.

Edited January 31, 2010 by apearlfromgrit

[Ronni_W]

Yes, you are entitled to apologies; and, yes, you do deserve to be treated with respect and dignity.

 

BUT. This particular individual is NOT the person from whom you should be expecting it. She does not have the wisdom, knowledge, skills or desire to give you those things.

 

Yes, it would be "nice" if she had all those things, but she does not. That is her reality, which is what you need to accept (about her.) It obviously impacts your reality (about your relationship with her), which is what you need to accept (about your reality.)

 

It sucks. But at this point it is that you're doing it do yourself by expecting from her things that she cannot and does not want to give to you.

 

Your relationship with your brother is necessarily going to change. That is another reality (as long as he's married to her.) This sucks BIG time. But you don't have many options about it. It is also about just accepting that this REALLY is what he chose for himself...which includes that he REALLY chose this for his relationship with you. It's part and parcel of his choice of wife.

 

You can carry on as you have been doing, and wait for your relationship with your brother to blow-up entirely. Or you can accept that the sibling relationship is forever changed (as long as he's married to her), and that you two need to find a NEW way of expressing your love, affection and devotion for each other.

 

I speak from experience. I also "inherited" a deranged sister-in-law. I carried on in my own deranged ways, and my consequence was that my brother and I ended up not speaking for years and years (until he was no longer married to her.)

 

It sucks BIG time. In hindsight, I would rather have changed how I did my side of things than let it get to the point that it did.

You do, right now, have power over how you're going to do your relationship with your brother, and how you are going to support him through his marriage to your SiL from hell. Part of your change will be that you stop gchatting with her, and only speak about the most trivial things possible - factual things on which you both cannot help but agree. The weather, sports results, the fact that oranges are orange in colour.

 

Seriously. It sounds totally crazy...but you're dealing with someone who doesn't have really high social intelligence and skills.

 

Best of luck.

[sally4sara]

Is it even remotely possible that your brother is the one dragging his feet about the trip and she got mad because your tone (your tone....its all wrong:p) perhaps implied that you believe she is the one holding up the planning for this trip?

 

I had this happen with my SO. Not to say I blew up on anyone over it, but it was a social event he was really dreading and the person got crabby with me because of his lack of communicating his concerns. Sometimes us ladies get painted as the bad guy when our male counterpart is trying to avoid a conflict. People tend to think wife/GF = grumpy bitch while the husband/BF is viewed as the long suffering henpecked fella trying to field our "moods". It can get annoying, especially when we are not the one holding things up.

[D-Lish]

I'm really not at all good at dealing with that kind of BS from family.

I tend to take it in the oustide world, sometimes in my social or work connections- but in a situation like yours- I am sure I'd be unable to contain my anger.

 

I cut my brother out of my life for almost 3 years when I heard him say something really hurtful about me to a room full of people (he didn't know I was standing behind him and he was drunk). We only fell back into communication during a family funeral.

 

I don't think there is anything YOU can do. If you confront her, you're going to get crucified, and if you don't say anything, you're destined to walk on egg shells for as long as her relationship with your brother lasts.

 

Me personally, I'd cut off all contact with her. I'd continue to have limited contact with your brother- but he is the one married to her, not you or your family - so he has to put up with her- you don't.

[apearlfromgrit]

Unfortunately, I think I have to agree with the idea that I do just have to suck it up and deal with it. I guess my problem is that I'm not entirely sure how to do that. It's taken me many years to learn how to stand up for myself, how to acknowledge that I deserve to be treated well and that I am allowed to defend myself. It feel so wrong to return to a place where I just accept someone's hurtful behavior. It feels like I'm not only allowing myself to be demeaned, but also that I'm not helping her. I know that must sound weird, but I can't imagine how difficult it must be to be someone who sees anger and hatred in everyone and part of me wants to help her, to show her that apologies and accepting responsibility leads to wonderful, positive things. But I just I just have to let that go, too. I don't know how to re-train myself to do this, to just let angry, hurtful words roll off my back. I think that's going to be the hardest part. Any tips?

[apearlfromgrit]

I think everyone's dragging their feet, actually. Not because they don't want to come, just because they're last-minute kind of people. The irony is, of course, that I dealt with endless days (literally, *days*) of tantrums from her when several people were late RSVPing to "her" wedding. As for my tone... actually my brother said that the sentence that set off her rant sounded passive aggressive. I really didn't see it, even after reading back over it a bunch of times, but I apologized anyway. It's the fact that she demanded an apology from me for a mistake and yet I'm not entitled to one for her purposefully hurting me that really grinds my gears.

[apearlfromgrit]

I'm sorry for posting three times in a row, I guess I don't have the hang of this yet. I'm kinda internet-stupid. Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for their input, even though it's going to be really difficult to follow.

[D-Lish]

Your bro thought your response was passive aggressive? Maybe a tiny bit- but I don't think you meant it that way. However, I think she flew off the handle because she doesn't want to attend and she used your question as an excuse to not come, and then blame you for it. I think she was waiting for the right excuse to go at you.

 

I don't think your SIL has any insight into the motivations for her behaviour. Angry, reactive people seldom do.

 

You can't help her out- and quite frankly, I don't think she deserves your energy. You're a better person than I am for sticking this out- I'd have told her what I thought of her a long time ago and cut her out of my life for good.

[apearlfromgrit]

Thanks, D-Lish. I'm really only in it for my brother. Walking away from her means walking away from him and I couldn't ever do that, for any reason. It would rip my life in half if I ever lost my brother.

Although I appreciate the compliment, I'm not pure and unblemished in this whole situation. I admit that I sent her an email last night that said until she changes her behavior, I'm going to treat her the same way she treats me. I don't think I mean it. I don't, honestly, even think I could muster up the nastiness I would need to follow through on that. But the fact is that I didn't take the high road, I contributed to the anger of the situation instead of taking Ronni_W's advice and just letting it whizz past me like a poison dart.

[AppleGirl]

I too have a sister in law like you describe and the only thing that I have done to get some sanity back in my life is to distance myself from her and my brother.

 

My brother and I used to be so close, until he married her. It's sad, but he is a married man and he has to side with his wife. She is an extremely jealous, irrational and angry person and so I have found it easier on the head to let them live their lives and I live mine.

 

We see each other at family functions, but I no longer call to chat or do anything outside of family related functions with them. You cannot make a relationship work if you only have one person doing all the leg work.

[apearlfromgrit]

I just deleted another angry email from her without even reading it. You guys are all right, there's really nothing I can do to get through to this woman. Hopefully I can salvage something of my relationship with my brother, but I am just going to give up on her. What an incredible shame. Why do people do this? Isn't part of falling in love with someone that you like who they are and how they treat the people you love? Does this mean my brother likes how she abuses me? I just don't get it.

[sally4sara]

I just deleted another angry email from her without even reading it. You guys are all right, there's really nothing I can do to get through to this woman. Hopefully I can salvage something of my relationship with my brother, but I am just going to give up on her. What an incredible shame. Why do people do this? Isn't part of falling in love with someone that you like who they are and how they treat the people you love? Does this mean my brother likes how she abuses me? I just don't get it.

 

I'm sorry to hear it. You may find as the years pass, that he might seek you out to hide from her.

[Ronni_W]

It feel so wrong to return to a place where I just accept someone's hurtful behavior. It feels like I'm not only allowing myself to be demeaned

That is not at all what you would be doing. You would be doing what AppleGirl has done -- demonstrating high self-esteem, assertiveness, mental and emotional intelligence, wise judgment, smart choices and decisions.

 

but also that I'm not helping her.

There are a few additional factors to consider, about that:

1. It's not your job to "help" her.

2. If she wanted your help, she would have hired you or asked you to volunteer for the position.

3. You're working from a most-likely false belief/assumption that you have the wisdom, knowledge and skills to help her. The evidence points to the fact that you do not but, even if you do, she hasn't asked for your help.

4. Your sister-in-law does not appear to like you. People seldom accept "help" from people they don't like, especially not for personal problems.

 

To keep on doing what you have been doing as far as your SiL is concerned, at this point would just be stubborn and prideful. It's you demeaning yourself. It's you wanting to have your own way despite all the other realities, and without regard for what your brother and your SiL want for themselves and need from you.

 

It's also you not taking care of your own feelings and needs. You would be keeping yourself IN harm's way instead of taking self-affirming, self-loving action and distancing yourself from others' hurtful behaviour.

[apearlfromgrit]

You're absolutely right, I hadn't thought of it that way. The abusive emails have continued, by the way (probably partially my fault for sending that response that I mentioned before) and you are all right. I'm going to delete them without reading or responding, I'm going to draw the line in our relationship and hope against hope that in the not too distant future, we will come back together as friends, somehow.

[Ronni_W]

The abusive emails have continued, by the way (probably partially my fault

Are we SURE that's not my (former) SiL you're talking about???

Believe me, it's got nothing to do with anything you did or did not do, or will or will not do in the future. Mine used to do the same thing, out of the blue, to both me and my mom. Vitriolic, venomous emails and snail mails...even after we hadn't seen her for years, let alone spoken with her. And lots more years after that...poisonous "anonymous" snail mail. Deranged.

 

In my own situation, yes, it would have been "hope against hope" for anything better. I firmly believe that people like this need EXTENSIVE therapy; there's a whole host of serious emotional problems. To me, if you want to keep your (false) hope alive...that is your right and privilege, of course. But it's just more self-defeating behaviour on your part because you are more than likely to end up disappointed due to the expectations for improvement that (your false) hope will help to foster.

 

I think. A more self-loving action would be for you to ONLY start hoping after you know for 100% sure that she's been in therapy, with the same therapist, for at least a year (about 50 sessions.)

 

It is horrible. And I do have extreme sympathy and compassion for them. But they are adults, and responsible for their own healing. They cannot and will not have happy relationships if they choose hurtful and harmful ways to express themselves. For myself, I enabled that for far too long. Currently, I hold her in my prayers but I do not hold any hope for something better for myself, as far as she is concerned.

 

Hugs and best of luck. It's very difficult when we realize that all we can do is give up on someone and wait for them to want better for themselves.