I can't deal with the porn anymore....

[moom_of_3]

LIke a lot of the posts I've read here. I have a huge problem with my husband when it comes to porn. I am in my mid 20's and my husband and I have been married for 4 years now. We have been dealing with this isseu since day 1. I don't know how much longer I can deal with it though. Our sex life has mostly been pretty good. We have gone through quite a few dry spells though, on his part, he would spend everyday on the internet looking at porn, and would not touch me. This is when we were first married, then I got pregnant, He was looking at porn whenever I wasn't hame, I was sonstantly finding it everywhere, we would fight and I would throw it out. His excuse was, "If I wasn't so big, he would not look at it" 8 weeks after our first was born, I found out I was preggo with #2. OUr sex life barely existed again and His excuse was my weight, or he was not in the mood, or too tired, or just plain didn't want to. THen he would wait until I fell asleep and "take care of business" by himself. I know, I checked the temp internet files on the computer. I just had our 3rd, 3 kids in 3 years, a couple months ago. Our marriage was very rocky, and we had an agreement that if I was to move out to the midwest with him, all the bad behavior, porn, drugs, drinking, etc would stop. I agreed. I want this marriage to work.

 

The day after I got here I found a large stack of magazines. I was devistated. I left my job and my family to follow him and he lied to me again. Now, I'm a stay at home mom, and I admit, the sex has been better, but now, after only living here only 2 months, he has started up again. I go to town about once a week, and like clockwark, he either goes on the internet or gets a ppv movie. when I got the cable bill today I hit the roof. Saturday I go to town and sunday I go to church. He is pretty much at it whenever he gets the chance. Today I took the kids for a walk for a half hour, and when I turned on the computer it was there, he didn't even bother to hide it. I am brokenhearted. I am dieting and excersizing like crazy to lose the weight I've put on after being pregnant for 3 years straight. I doing all I can in the bedroom to keep him interested, and I'm losing faith that he even loves me anymore because he sure as heck not attracted to me. I want to go back to CA were I have the support from my family and friends. Since I stay home now, his new excuse is that he is the bread winner so he can do whatever he wants. Now when I confront him he just yells at me. I gave up a job I loved and my family to try and make this marriage work and he could care less and now he has me stuck at home.

 

Sorry about the long post. I've been telling my family, who I talk to daily, how wonderful things are here, but I hate it. I have a husband who doesn't pay attention to me, except to tell me what I did wrong with either the house or the kids. I love him to death, but I feel me starting to hate everything about myself trying to make him happy. I'm not even me anymore. Thanks for letting me vent.

 

Seriously frustrated

[Kat]

Even though I know the answer (not that there is an answer) but how can you love a man who hates the way you are? How can you love a man who doesn't respect you? How can you love a man who doesn't want to touch you because you are 'too fat'?

 

You need to get out of there, it is verbally and emotionally abusing you, and it won't get better

[Samson]

Interesting you were attractive enough after child #1 to become pregnant again after only eight weeks. This would lead us to believe that your appearance really isn't the issue. In addition, it seems that you do have sex, regardless of any obsession your husband has for porn. Finally, the subject of the thread, and you're description of the situation seems somewhat misleading: ALOT more than husband's obsession with porn is going on here

 

I empathize with your situation. With 3 children and no job and a long distance between your family and friends, it is not an easy fix. I'm not sure what the family financial situation is, but marriage counseling generally runs almost $100/hr. Not cheap, depending on income.

 

Do you have any male relatives that would be willing to scare the living SH*T out of this guy? I've found that after tying guys to a stump in a swamp, and leaving them there overnight generally is enough to "adjust their attitude." If not, the out comes the ball-ping hammer.

[midlifecrisis]

I've read a bunch of these "dealing with porn" posts. I believe that porn isn't really the issue in many of these situations at all -- it is how your man is treating you. Some folks will adamantly disagree with me, but I'd be willing to bet that in lots of cases, getting over a partner's love of porn would be trivial if they treated you with love, respect, and if your sex-life didn't suffer as a result of it.

[AprilFool]

My husband would try to help me, by poking fun when I'd eat a candy bar or whatever. I took offense. He looked at porn all the time too, so him looking at porn added to him poking fun at me for eating candy added to us discussing watching what we eat made me feel very unattractive. Finally we had a big long talk, and I asked if he would be willing to meet a need of mine, and he looked confused. I told him that I'm insecure, and I would like it if he would whistle when I walked by, or tell me that I look good, and his response was, "I do think you look good! I tell you sometimes." I replied, "I know you tell me sometimes, but I would like to hear it more, because I'm insecure....it's not that you've done anything wrong, it's just I like to feel sexy." He said, "I bet the reason you've been feeling insecure, is because I don't tell you that you're sexy as much as I used to." I asked, "Why don't you tell me as much as you used to?" to which he replied, "Because I thought by now, you knew that I thought you were beautiful and sexy."

 

This conversation helped us both. It helped him to understand why porn bothered me so much, and it helped me understand why he wasn't telling me I'm beautiful as much.

 

Lately, my husband has made me feel like a million bucks! Now, whenever I walk through the house with a pair of short shorts on, his eyes pop out of his head, and he gets this silly grin. That's what I wanted. I think he purposely tried to hide his lust for me out of respect! Go figure.

 

My husband would get offensive when I'd bring up my issues with porn too. I think he assumed that I was trying to control him, and besides that, he HATES jealousy. Also, I'm sure that he felt that I didn't accept him for who he was. I am reading a book, "Men in love" by Nancey Friday, and in it it says quite often that men are made to feel dirty and guilty for wanting sex, and even more guilty and dirty for masterbating. Therefore, why would our husbands want to be close to us, when our judgemental attitude towards them indulging in something they enjoy makes them feel guilty and dirty? Poor guys.

 

I don't know if my solution would work for you, because I know how husbands can be sometimes. Also, I don't have any kids.

 

Try telling him that you wouldn't care if he looked at porn, if you weren't so insecure. Tell him that you don't feel sexy, and the fact that he likes to look at porn just makes you feel worse. Ask him if he would do you a favore, and whistle when you walk by, or smack your rear once in a while, to make you feel sexy. Tell him that it's ok if he looks at porn, and he hasn't done anything wrong, but that you are insecure, and it would make you a little happier if he would make you feel like a lust object once in a while.

 

I'm sure you DO still have a problem with him looking at porn, especially so much, but just for a couple of months, see if you can muster up the will power to just accept it. Maybe if he feels like you love an accept him even though he looks at porn, he will be more receptive to you and your needs. It's obvious that after 4 years, he's not going to change, and he's not going to stop, so your choices are leave him, or accept him. There is no point in making yourself miserable every time your husband looks at porn. He's not going to change. I am trying to accept that my husband isn't going to change, so why bother trying to make him? There is no point. There is also no point in beating myself up, or being miserable whenever I find porn. If I do, I'll be miserable the rest of my life! I'm not willing to leave him, so I might as well just do the best I can to accept him for who he is. After all....I married him.

 

My husband knew that porn bothered me, so he did it in secret, which caused a rift between us, which caused him to withdrawl from me emotionally and sexually, which caused him to look at porn more for his release, which caused me to feel very insecure!

 

This was a downward spiral!

 

Since I decided to accept it, we have become very very close. Maybe the reason your husband is so withdrawn from you, is that he doesn't feel like you accept him. Since you dissapprove of him, he doesn't feel close to you, so rather than have sex with you, he gets his pleasures somewhere else. He loves you so much that he would never cheat, but at the same time he feels like you two aren't really connecting so it doesn't feel right to make love with you. Therefore, he just gets meaningless release from somewhere that they don't judge him.

 

When I told my husband that looking at porn was ok, I didn't really mean it. I told him that, because I would rather him do it and be honest with me, than him do it an lie about it. As time went on, I adapted myself to porn. Whenever he would look, he wouldn't be able to make love to me, so my needs weren't being met. Therefore, whenever he would indulge, I would too. I had to get release somewhere! Eventually, we began watching together, and it became a fun toy to our sex lives.

 

Now, porn doesn't make me feel bad any more. I know that when I'm looking at it, I'm wishing that my husband were there with me, doing to me what the man in the movie is doing to the woman. I chose to believe that when my wonderful husband is watching, he is fantasizing about me as well.

 

My husband and I were having problems, because I wasn't accepting. I do things that my husband doesn't neccessarily like, but he doesn't give me greif over it all the time. Therefore (according to moimeme) why should my husband change just because I want him to? Given, some things are over the line, like cheating, but porn is just actors. If you go to one of your husband's websites, see if they have behind the scene bloopers. It is too funny to look at porn stars as just normal people ACTING. Really, that's all it is.

 

My advice would be to try to accept it. Actually, see if you can make yourself CONDONE it. Tonight, after the kids are asleep, walk into the living room (or bedroom) in nothing but a robe, kiss your hubby on the neck, and say, "Why don't we order pay-per-view tonight." if he refuses, say, "ok" then go to the computer, and watch a porn movie yourself. I'll bet he gets interested. Even if he doesn't join you in watching, he will know that you are not hung up on it like you used to be. Don't make any comments like, "Eww, that looks gross, " or, "Gosh, she's so cheezey," just work really hard at enjoying it with him. Eventually, if he's anything like my husband, he will suggest it when you two are getting hot and heavy. Don't take offense, like I origionally did, and think that he's wanting to do you, while fantasizing about the girl in the movie. He's not. Some men need a little visual stimulation to get things going. Mine certainly does.

 

During our little conflict with porn, I ordered a vibrator online. I decided that if I can't have the real thing, then I was going to get the next best thing. Once my husband and I started getting closer after I accepted his porn, I introduced him to the vibrator. At first, I could tell it bothered him a little bit. I started using it in front of him, like the porn actors do, and then after a minute or two, I asked him to use it on me. He got VERY aroused. After he was finished with me, I started to stimulate him. Not a minute later, he reach over into the nightstand, grabbed the toy, and started using it on me. He loved to watch it/me, and see my reaction. He was finished very soon.

 

Maybe you could buy some toys, or do something erotic like that. Maybe your man just needs something visual to help him along. I have learned that my man needs a visual sometimes.

 

Bottom line: Accept him for who he is. Allow him to do what makes him happy without feeling guilty. Ask him to build your self esteem by flirting with you more. Join him in his porn bouts; let him see that it's more fun with you, than by himself. Accept him for who he is. Accept him for who he is, and above all. Accept him for who he is.

 

He is your husband. love him and accept him no matter what. Eventually (not immediately, but eventually) he will come to appreciate and love you for making him feel good and secure and loved, even though he is human.

 

Just my advice. I'm not in your marriage, so I don't know, but from where I'm sitting, if you make the first move in trying to reconcile, he'll follow. Good luck!

[moimeme]

I am reading a book, "Men in love" by Nancey Friday, and in it it says quite often that men are made to feel dirty and guilty for wanting sex, and even more guilty and dirty for masterbating. Therefore, why would our husbands want to be close to us, when our judgemental attitude towards them indulging in something they enjoy makes them feel guilty and dirty? Poor guys.

 

That is an excellent book, and it was responsible for a big change in my attitude towards fellows and how they feel. Those points, in particular, really hit home with me. I think it was also that book in which I read about how men are made to feel their penises are 'ugly' and how that hurts them, too. After reading it, I undertook to repair my attitudes in these respects - including learning to love penises and to enjoy watching men masturbate. It only enhanced my sex life - and the men sure appreciate it! And, after all, love includes acceptance so learning to be more accepting means learning to be more loving, in my books anyway.

 

I think we women somehow end up forgetting that men have feelings and are bothered by these things. Nancy's book should probably be required reading for every young woman.

 

 

Since I decided to accept it, we have become very very close. Maybe the reason your husband is so withdrawn from you, is that he doesn't feel like you accept him. Since you dissapprove of him, he doesn't feel close to you, so rather than have sex with you, he gets his pleasures somewhere else. He loves you so much that he would never cheat, but at the same time he feels like you two aren't really connecting so it doesn't feel right to make love with you. Therefore, he just gets meaningless release from somewhere that they don't judge him.

 

April, this should be one of the 'sticky' posts. I firmly believe that this is an extremely important point for people to get into their heads about their relationships. Men need acceptance, too - but so many women seem to be focused on their own needs for acceptance that they don't seem to get the fact that their men need it every bit as much, if not more. It makes a HUGE difference to a man for him to feel accepted - and it is not as though it is a big stretch to do. Developing this sort of empathy for your fellow is critical to a relationship's survival, IMHO. And the rewards are absolutely worth it.

[Samson]

It's taken awhile, but I've finally discovered who is Dr. Phil?

 

Apparently he doesn't know as much about how men feel about their pensis as Dr. Nancey????? Expert in male masturbation. Extraordinary.

 

 

including learning to love penises and to enjoy watching men masturbate. It only enhanced my sex life -

 

Oh, if this was only true for all females what a PARADISE this would be!

[moimeme]

Oh, if this was only true for all females what a PARADISE this would be!

 

LOL. A good friend suggested, quite seriously, that I hold classes for women to convert them to my philosophy. I decided that LS is a fine enough sounding board

[usnoozulose]

I am 43 and married to a man (2nd marriage) who is also addicted to pornography. I found out about his proclivities after we became engaged. We waited another 2 years after the engagement to get married and have been married 2 years this month.

 

Being the ultimate co-dependent, I really felt that my love could change him and that with my patience and support to focus more on me sexually, I could get him to stop going to the internet for him sexual pleasure. [font=arial][/font][color=red][/color]WRONG!!!!![color=0][/color][font=0][/font][size=0]

 

The past 4 years have been ridiculously stressful for me--I have gained 50 pounds, developed terrible arthritis secondary to the weight gain, and feel about as low as a slug's belly most of the time. And guess what? I have done this to myself! And I CONTINUE to do this to myself! I let my self worth become so tied up in how he felt about me sexually and how that was expressed, that I lost me somewhere in all of this. If my husband wants to look at porn and if his habit is escalating to include some of the really bizarre and homosexual stuff; if he wants to instant message guys in the area to find a jack-off or suck buddy, if he wants to jack-off to gay stories several times a days and night, that's NOT MY PROBLEM! He is quick to inform me that I am always in "a coma" after dinner--never mind that I work everyday, up at 4 a.m. and home at 6 or 7 p.m., make dinner, get stuff ready for the next day, and pass out by 9 p.m. Weekends are also a joke--he doesn't bathe on the weekends, and I can't stand him when he stinks. I've tried to gently encourage him to improve his hygiene, but he doesn't care. Besides, that's when he's camped out watching football or whatever, and I am running like a maniac geting the chores done. He rarely helps with anything considered "women's work".

 

But, he SHOWERS me with STUFF.......a new computer, a new laptop, a PDA, a digital camera, new furniture for the living room, a new photo printer, a vacuum sealer for food, a sports car last year. I am not a materialistic person at all--I never asked for any of it, nor does it compensate for our lack of a relationship. He loves to lord over me all the stuff he's given me, and how "much better" my life is since I've been with him. I was a single mom of two young teens when I met him, and I would give ANYTHING to go back to that life, but he's already driven his kid and one of mine out, and the second one of mine is on her way out as well. I regret so deeply that I didn't have the strength to stick things out alone with my kids, and that I felt I needed a man--I hadn't had one for a long time, and was doing fine without one. So, for as much as I've gained materially and financially, I have lost my kids and my self-respect, and I don't feel like I really have a marriage most of the time--it's a control thing for him.

 

So, what am I doing about all of this, you ask? Well, I have A PLAN.....

 

I can't afford to walk away from this with NOTHING and start all over AGAIN, so I am starting to take better care of myself with weight loss and regular exercise. I have to have a surgery this year, so after I have recovered from it, I am contacting an attorney and I am leaving with what is rightfully mine. The state we live in is a common property state, so all assets and debts are divided equally between the parties. Then I am getting the hell outta' here.......and I will rebuild my life for myself.

 

Mom of 3--I know about hanging in there for the kids and because you love someone, and for the financial security, but NOTHING is worth your self-respect, and one of the things you need to realize is that you can't change him. He has to want to change himself, and it sounds as though he is not willing to do that right now even though he knows it upsets you. I am not advocating leaving the father of your children, but perhaps you can find a counselor or minister or someone who can counsel and support you until you find the best solution for you and your kids.

 

Good luck, and thanks for letting me vent.......I hope your story ends more successfully than mine!