mybrowneyedgirl Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Very good question. A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. We stay because we love the man. As I have said many times, throwing the OW under the bus is a pattern of these EMRs and should (to one's ability) not be taken personally. The fat lady has not sung yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Hazyhead Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 One word - HOPE Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 In both cases, BS or the OW, when it is clear "he" will not change, they stick around for one reason only: Low Self Esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I agree with the Low Self Esteem, and I also think it's a combination of many other emotions. Everyone is different, and each individual is unique in their emotions and their needs. So to answer the why's would take breaking down each of our situations and each of us individually. For some of us, the fear of what we have to face ending an A, slows us down from ending it and going through all the emotions we have to deal with. For the BS, the same can be said, fear of, carrying on in life without the one person they expected to always be there, regardless of whatever. For both, BS and AP, fear of realising that this person they've held in such high regard is less than perfect. That it's all been the "rose colored glasses". Link to post Share on other sites
Crazyforhim Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Sometimes I think we hang on because we truly love them, they tell us over and over again that they're unhappy and we hope that one day they will leave to be with us. I've often thought as an OW, with those maternal instincts we have, do we ever subconciously want to "rescue" this man from his unhappy life and love him and make him happy again? Like rescuing the hurt puppy? Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Sometimes I think we hang on because we truly love them, they tell us over and over again that they're unhappy and we hope that one day they will leave to be with us. I've often thought as an OW, with those maternal instincts we have, do we ever subconciously want to "rescue" this man from his unhappy life and love him and make him happy again? Like rescuing the hurt puppy? That grows up to be a lying dog. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazyforhim Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 That grows up to be a lying dog. ROTFL... that was great! Link to post Share on other sites
hopeless4u Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. I think for me at the moment its partly the emotional pain I know I need to go through to completely let go and that I truly believe he is trying to fix something that was broken way before I came into the picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 One word - HOPE I agree. Either hope or lack of hope-believing there's nothing out there for them. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? This is where I get on my 'but I love him' soapbox. 'He treats me like crap', 'he cheated on me', 'he threw me under the bus', 'he hit me', 'he blah, blah, blah'....'but I love him.' Who wouldn't question any of these things? I question all of them. If your spouse cheats on you, file for divorce. If your MM throws you under the bus, end the affair. If your husband or bf hits you, verbally abuses you or causes any other form of hurt and pain, leave. Why people stay in these situations is truly beyond me. I can understand leaving them and then being coerced back into the relationship because you think things have changed (although they never do change but sometimes you have to see it for yourself), but I don't see staying because of the 'but I love him' syndrome. It just screams 'I have no self-eteem' and it's just plain not smart. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 That grows up to be a lying dog. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. Because the wife has a history, a shared life, possibly family/kids, a planned future -- and the OW has a few months/few years. they aren't comparable by any means. The cheater pledged to love, honor and cherish one, the other one...not so much. One he gave his name to, one he gives his wee wee to. You are trying to compare apples and oranges. additionally, when the affair comes to light, who does the cheater stay with? The wife usually. What does that say to you? If he loved his OW so much, why doesn't he take this as an opportunity to be with her? Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Because the wife has a history, a shared life, possibly family/kids, a planned future -- and the OW has a few months/few years. That history could be a bad thing - while the promise of a fresh start with the OW could seem like paradise by comparison. The cheater pledged to love, honor and cherish one, the other one...not so much. One he gave his name to, one he gives his wee wee to. Not always. Often "promises" made to the W are made in haste, youthful naivete or under duress (the expectation to marry after too many years of dating, for example) while the promises made to the OW are made from a position of knowing better. And the name vs "wee wee" thing? My H's xW did not take his name - she kept that of her 1st husband. Nor did she get his "wee wee" - I got that (and believe me, there's nothing "wee" about it ) additionally, when the affair comes to light, who does the cheater stay with? The wife usually. What does that say to you? If he loved his OW so much, why doesn't he take this as an opportunity to be with her? He did Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1962 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 I am not in this situation. My wife and I have been faithful to eachother. I would however think that people hang on because no one want's to admit failure. Even if the relationship's demise is not your fault, deep down you still feel guilt and blame yourself for it's ending. As someone else mentioned, there is the hope factor because love is involved. I hope that I can never truly answer this question. Link to post Share on other sites
SuburbanOblivion Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 He did So did mine but you have to admit as a former OW that this happening is VERY few and far between. 1 out of 100 would be my guess. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. It's a fair question. I suppose a good answer would be the time and love invested on both sides of the MM. The W sees the marriage contract as her weapon, the OW sees the deep love and connection as her weapon and the MM in the middle is torn between the two. One is logical and the other is spiritual/chemical. The W may even feel a sense of the deep love and connection in many cases. Time, history, family ties, etc., can be her motivation on top of the love she feels. The OW may have been promised many things and been led down a path to a future with MM which gives her, in her mind, the right to hang on and try to make it work. We can let go of sex, money, cars, and houses. Love is hard to let go of. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Because the wife has a history, a shared life, possibly family/kids, a planned future -- and the OW has a few months/few years. they aren't comparable by any means. The cheater pledged to love, honor and cherish one, the other one...not so much. One he gave his name to, one he gives his wee wee to. You are trying to compare apples and oranges. additionally, when the affair comes to light, who does the cheater stay with? The wife usually. What does that say to you? If he loved his OW so much, why doesn't he take this as an opportunity to be with her? What if those were bad years? Better yet, what if the 4 years were better than the 40? They are most certainly comparible. All things are comparible. I think you are putting your values on all people's values. Not everyone shares the same values even within a given society. The cheater made his pledge when he was a very young man. Time and experience change people. We would not marry the same person at 50 as we did at 20; at least not usually. Most don't take the opportunity because of assets, guilt (usually forced guilt), and fear of losing the comfort zone. Link to post Share on other sites
Fallen Angel Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too? just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. I think it depends on the relationship, sometimes it is love, other times it is comfort, safety, security etc.. for both BW and OW. But My MM didn't throw me under a bus, during our D-day he made sure that I was ok, and our relationship never changed except to become deeper. *shrug* Because the wife has a history, a shared life, possibly family/kids, a planned future -- and the OW has a few months/few years. they aren't comparable by any means. Wow, that is presumption at work. Not every marriage is 40 years long and not every affair is short term. The cheater pledged to love, honor and cherish one, the other one...not so much. One he gave his name to, one he gives his wee wee to. You are trying to compare apples and oranges. You don't know what the MM has pledged to his OW. Perhaps he has pledged her (OW) the same, only with experience he actually means it by the time he says it to his OW. Many times men get married early on due to pressure from family, friends, perhaps an unplanned pregnancy *shrug* obviously he didn;t mean it when he said it to his wife, hence the affair in the first place. By the time he makes a commitment like that to his OW he has had the experience to learn not to say what he doesn't mean. Just because it didn't happen like that in your affair, doesn't mean it doesn't happen. And i do not buy all the "statistics" about how many "affairs turned marriage" work, I don't think they are accurate, as not everyone whose marriage started out as an affair, are willing to open up about that. And most 'happily married after the affair' couples are not hanging out on LS. additionally, when the affair comes to light, who does the cheater stay with? The wife usually. What does that say to you? If he loved his OW so much, why doesn't he take this as an opportunity to be with her? He originally stays with the wife when the affair comes to light. Perhaps you should check into the numbers of men who eventually leave the marriage, a year - five years after the affair has come to light. Just because they do not leave right then, doesn;t mean they do not leave. Sometimes they end up with their AP when they finally do leave, sometimes not, but many of them do leave, just not on D-day. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 (edited) So did mine but you have to admit as a former OW that this happening is VERY few and far between. 1 out of 100 would be my guess. According to a study called the International Sexuality Description Project, where 17,000 people from 53 countries were polled, 20% of long term relationships start as an affair, ie when one or both partners are involved with others. Edited February 1, 2010 by jennie-jennie Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 One word - HOPE One very LOUD word....excellent HH!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 i saw this on another thread. thought it would be some good conversation. Definitely we all seem to question why people hang on to a R attached to so much hurt. why does the Bw hang on? I didn't because she is in love with her H. despite his A and what hes done she loves him. never wanted him to have an affair. certainly doesnt want him to abandon her. she wants her M. even though hes hurt her she wants it never to have happened. why does the OW hang on? I didn't this is a big one for me. so its easy to say that when the MM throws the OW under the bus that she should say goodbye and never look back. that this man showed his true colors and hurt her, disposed of her etc. but she loves this man, has given her all to him, never wanted him to leave either. so, people dont seem to question why a BS would stick around and try to salvage things....why is it questioned why a OW would stick around even though the man they love has hurt them and treated them badly too?MBEG, this is an excellent question and observation...possibly due to the air that OW don't mean much to MM, at least in the eyes of some BS's. just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular. MBEG....don't mind scorp...scorp, you are priceless!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 like you are still making your H to believe enough to not to leave you....manipulation could be the reason "just a conversation point here. not meaning anyone's personal situation in particular" i can't stop laughing............... Scorp, you just can't help yourself, can you!!!! Teasing....you know I don't see any malice in your replies.... MBEG was just letting others know not to take anything personal.... you are sooooo onery....and sorry, when I see you reply I have to mess with you...k... I think your cool.... Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Why is it so hard to grasp that the W stays for the same reason MM stays and asks her to stay after Dday. MM staying in the marriage is not only accepted but makes him seem like such the good guy. Crazy, since in order for him to be happy two women must suffer! Where are the stories of the wonderful loving men spending 3 days in a psych unit because of loosing their AP! Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted February 1, 2010 Share Posted February 1, 2010 Where are the stories of the wonderful loving men spending 3 days in a psych unit because of loosing their AP! It reminds me of the LS poster called minutebyminute. I don't think we should underestimate the pain the WS feels when he/she involuntarily loses the AP. Link to post Share on other sites
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