Girlfriend looks at her ex's Facebook pages regularly

[OnlyJake]

Then give me another reason she could be doing it. All you're doing is telling me that I don't know for sure what's going on. What are some reasons you would look at someone's Facebook profile (an ex in particular) multiple times per week. The only way I don't see this as being inappropriate is if she's checking every single profile on her friends list. Why would you keep looking up profiles of people who aren't your friend?

I believe I've already acknowledged every single sentence in this post. As have other people throughout this thread.

[Mary3]

I think she is Obsessed with looking at the ex's profiles

 

They are not even her friends . Why not check out what friends are doing ?

 

You mention that you observed her looking at their pages a couple of times, who looks at someones page twice in a hour ?

 

If you block her or forbid her from viewing their pages and you request she stop , she will not stop .

 

Should you stop worrying about her ? NO

[FooFighter]

Sorry for the rambling post. I can't really summarize it well coz our conversation went on for like 3 hours and was just...long

 

Okay, so I tried talking to her today. I don't really have a lot of energy to actually try and coherently wrap up and post the conversation over here, so this might just sound like blabber. By the him in this post, I mean her most-recent ex, the one that bugs me. I don't really care about the other ex, I know for sure there is nothing there.

 

To clear things up, yes, I checked her history 2 days back (not proud of it but at the same time I don't regret it), and I saw she had searched for this guy atleast twice (including looking at his profile pictures album) in the last 2-3 weeks.

 

I brought up the topic in a snide way, which I probably shouldn't have. She was leaving my room and I said, going to creep on blahblah?, and she got upset and asked me why I would think she was creeping on him. I told her it was because it's true and because she creeps on him, at which she completely lost it and started crying. She said she didn't creep on him at all since the last time we talked about this (which was 2 months back), and that she was really hurt that I didn't trust her and didn't trust that she had no feelings for anyone else and wouldn't want to throw our relationship away for anything. Our "conversation" took a pause for about 15 minutes because she was crying and trying to calm down and mumbling stuff.

 

After that, she told me she creeped on her earlier ex sometimes just to see what's up, through mutual acquantainces etc (she's good friends with his sister), but swore she hadn't creeped on the other guy. I told her to stop lying and asked her why she creeped on him, and why she was lying to me. She kept insisting throughout that she didn't creep on him at all. She started explaining that she is just curious and that's why she looked at their Facebook, and that she has a hard time letting go of people, even though there are no strong feelings there anymore.

 

It was basically a really long conversation where she kept saying it didn't mean anything and she didn't have feelings for anyone else and she was just curious blah blah blah. Finally I got out of her that she sometimes had fleeting moments that lasted a couple seconds where she would think about them and miss them, but she didn't have ANY feelings for them compared to what she has for me, and hence it didn't mean anything to her at all. All this time, ofcourse, she kept insisting she didn't creep on this other guy (even though she had like twice), and was really upset that I was saying she was lying.

 

Later she said she might have creeped on him, but she swore she couldn't remember doing it because it wasn't important to her and that she had stopped creeping on him since our last conversation (2 months back) because she didn't want something trivial like this to cause problems between us. She said she likes knowing what people are up to and creeps on everyone and looking at his facebook didn't mean anything more.

 

I started accusing her of lying again and changing her stories every 5 minutes, from not creeping at all, to maybe creeping on him and not remembering it blah blah blah (more stuff like this, I don't really wanna type it all). Then she told me that she used to have urges to talk to this guy because she would just be like "oh I wonder what he is upto nowadays", and finally she talked to him 2 months back once (she told me this a while back, not today), and since then she hasn't had any urges to talk to him etc.

 

Our conversation kept going back and forth, pretty much her crying and saying none of it matters and she doesn't have any romantic feelings for any of them and at the end she said she just likes being there for people, and that this guy literally has nobody in his life and so she gets worried about him sometimes and likes to know whats going on, but that she would never dream of going back to him and doesn't want to at all etc, and said she has stopped and will try harder to not creep on him at all and think about him etc etc.

 

I don't really know what to say or do lol, i'm pretty indifferent about it right now and I think breaking up with her would be a major overreaction, coz I can tell she doesn't care about him in that way and wouldn't give our relationship up for anyone else. At the same time I don't want to be in a relationship where my girlfriend, even for a couple of seconds a month, thinks about and misses her ex's, and I told her that. She said it is meaningless to her compared to the feelings she has for me, and that she simply has a hard time forgetting people, and that she'll work on it harder.

 

Either way, I'm gonna tell her to block/delete him, never talk to him again, and if she wants to talk to him, tell me why first. And ofcoure, stop lying, whether consciously or subconsciously. I think thats fair enough and not me being a control freak.

 

Why would you keep looking up profiles of people who aren't your friend?

Oh yeah, I asked her this and she said she used to look at his profile even though they weren't friends just to see if he had changed his privacy settings so she could see what he had been up to. Edited February 2, 2010 by FooFighter

[BG1985]

Honestly this is why I got off Facebook. I couldn't resist the temptation to check on my ex-girlfriend. It felt a lot better knowing that I didn't have to subject myself to the bombardment of pictures of her having fun while I was wallowing in self pity. When you get into new relationships, it's important to tie up any loose ends that can cause problems down the road, such as Facebook. Perhaps you overreacted, perhaps you were in the right. I don't know, and it's not my call to make ultimately. Your girlfriend's inability to let the past stay in the past caused a lot of unnecessary drama.

 

If you feel like you can't control yourself with an ex, you need to make a clean break. Get rid of their phone number, email address, and Facebook profile.

[FooFighter]

If you feel like you can't control yourself with an ex, you need to make a clean break. Get rid of their phone number, email address, and Facebook profile.

That is what I think it is. There are no feelings there but she still hasn't let go of the control she has. She mentioned she was "proud of being the only person people came to for help", and she should know that once you've broken up with an ex there's no way I'm going to entertain ideas of her "being there" for him, even if it's just as a friend.

 

So like I said, I'm telling her to block and delete him, not talk to him again, not hide things from me/be completely open with me, and if he ever tries to contact her again, she should tell me immediately. If I ever find out she's lied/hidden something from me in the future, I'm telling her it will be over then and there. I have a hard time trusting people and she knows that, so even though this may seem trivial to her and to other people, to me it starts making me wonder what else she thinks about and what else she might be doing behind my back.

[Mary3]

That is what I think it is. There are no feelings there but she still hasn't let go of the control she has. She mentioned she was "proud of being the only person people came to for help", and she should know that once you've broken up with an ex there's no way I'm going to entertain ideas of her "being there" for him, even if it's just as a friend.

 

So like I said, I'm telling her to block and delete him, not talk to him again, not hide things from me/be completely open with me, and if he ever tries to contact her again, she should tell me immediately. If I ever find out she's lied/hidden something from me in the future, I'm telling her it will be over then and there. I have a hard time trusting people and she knows that, so even though this may seem trivial to her and to other people, to me it starts making me wonder what else she thinks about and what else she might be doing behind my back.

 

Bingo ! There is another post I want to highlight but you are DEAD on correct to keep an eye on this....the CRYING was over the top ! It was too much. WE ARE TALKING ABOUT A SOCIAL SITE. Its nice ~I am sentimental too ~but I would not jeapordize my relationship for a social networking site...

[Mary3]

This right here : Oh yeah, I asked her this and she said she used to look at his profile even though they weren't friends just to see if he had changed his privacy settings so she could see what he had been up to.

 

Now why on earth does she need to KNOW all this stuff ? Like when he was on , what his privacy setting is , what his status is ?

 

OP you have perfect right to be pizzed !

[FooFighter]

Yeah, she didn't really answer me properly when I asked her why. Just kept going round in circles saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah and that it doesn't mean anything to her.. What else should I do other than tell her to block him and the other stuff? I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me.

 

p.s thanks guys.

[Mary3]

Yeah, she didn't really answer me properly when I asked her why. Just kept going round in circles saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah and that it doesn't mean anything to her.. What else should I do other than tell her to block him and the other stuff? I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me.

 

p.s thanks guys.

 

Since she has really messed with your trust I would tell her game over. She needs to stop looking at his page , delete all contact out of her phone and all other means. Tell her eventually that you might trust her again. Give her 6 months of sobriety ( Face Book Sobriety ) and see if she stays clean. This way if she can't do it , you will know soon enough.

[meerkat stew]

Must agree, her going into hysterics over this for as long as she did is fishy. Is she normally so sensitive? She sounds really emotionally high maintenance.

[OnlyJake]

Yeah, she didn't really answer me properly when I asked her why. Just kept going round in circles saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah and that it doesn't mean anything to her.. What else should I do other than tell her to block him and the other stuff? I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me.

 

p.s thanks guys.

My goodness...back when I was young & dumb I might've lied about that too, if I thought it might save me from a 3 hour argument over something so retarded. Then I grew up, got more secure, learned how to establish boundaries and all that good stuff. If you tried that crap on me now I'd tell you to get lost!

 

OK, FooFighter: FIRST, your girlfriend did answer the question "why" you just don't like her answer, as evidenced by a) your unwillingness to acknowledge that she answered it and b) your description of her answer: "saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah".

 

SECOND. "I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me." Dude, are you serious? Who do you think you are? If you don't trust her, the answer is NOT to keep checking up on her. You break up with her. Simple. Both your lives would be easier and better off. You are clearly not the only person in this relationship who needs to establish appropriate boundaries; your gf needs to also. This is unacceptable behavior.

 

THIRD. You need to talk a long hard look at YOURSELF and think about why this bothers you so much. That is where the root of the problem lies, and if you were able to have a conversation with your girlfriend about THAT, I guarantee you would've had a much more productive (and SHORTER and less EMOTIONAL) conversation than the one you ended up having.

[northstar1]

I'm not going to touch why it bothers you, but the fact it does and she keeps it up is what is at the heart of the matter.'

 

She already knows it bothers you that she keeps looking at their pages obsessively, and yet keeps doing it and then breaks down over it when you confront her.

 

She needs to make a choice, either she is committed to you, and respects you as a partner and realizes what she is doing is upsetting, or she jepoardizes the relationship.

 

If it is that hard a choice for her to make, then it is pretty clear what her priority is.

 

They are her ex's. If she's over them and has no feelings , it should be easy for her to stop the habit.

[OnlyJake]

Must agree, her going into hysterics over this for as long as she did is fishy. Is she normally so sensitive? She sounds really emotionally high maintenance.

Could be, but I'm also getting the sense that there's more going on here.

[meerkat stew]

THIRD. You need to talk a long hard look at YOURSELF and think about why this bothers you so much. That is where the root of the problem lies, and if you were able to have a conversation with your girlfriend about THAT, I guarantee you would've had a much more productive (and SHORTER and less EMOTIONAL) conversation than the one you ended up having.

 

But OJakey, what do you make of the fact that the very minute he brought this up that she broke down crying for 15 minutes? If it really was 15 minutes of crying and mumbling, something more is going on here than FB creeping and OP's grilling. I don't know what it is, but had imagined she would say "yeah, what of it? I look at all kinds of things on FB!"

 

Personally, whenever I've seen that kind of overreaction, there was fire. Last time I saw this, I had asked a woman I was seriously dating "Is there someone else?" after suspicion had been building for awhile, and holey moley let the wetworks begin! Sure enough, she had been cheating on me. Not saying this is the case here, but her reaction is telling of something underlying that is deeper than FB.

[OnlyJake]

But OJakey, what do you make of the fact that the very minute he brought this up that she broke down crying for 15 minutes? If it really was 15 minutes of crying and mumbling, something more is going on here than FB creeping and OP's grilling. I don't know what it is, but had imagined she would say "yeah, what of it? I look at all kinds of things on FB!"

 

Personally, whenever I've seen that kind of overreaction, there was fire. Last time I saw this, I had asked a woman I was seriously dating "Is there someone else?" after suspicion had been building for awhile, and holey moley let the wetworks begin! Sure enough, she had been cheating on me. Not saying this is the case here, but her reaction is telling of something underlying that is deeper than FB.

I agree that it's a possibility...but I PMed you an alternative...may or may not be plausible.

[FooFighter]

She lost it when I accused her of lying, not when I first brought it up. She started crying and saying that it really hurt that I didn't trust her and believe her whenever she told me she didn't want to be with anyone else etc.

 

Anyway, I'll see if this goes away. I don't really know whether I should make any more of a big deal out of it than I already have.

[FooFighter]

My goodness...back when I was young & dumb I might've lied about that too, if I thought it might save me from a 3 hour argument over something so retarded. Then I grew up, got more secure, learned how to establish boundaries and all that good stuff. If you tried that crap on me now I'd tell you to get lost!

 

OK, FooFighter: FIRST, your girlfriend did answer the question "why" you just don't like her answer, as evidenced by a) your unwillingness to acknowledge that she answered it and b) your description of her answer: "saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah".

 

SECOND. "I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me." Dude, are you serious? Who do you think you are? If you don't trust her, the answer is NOT to keep checking up on her. You break up with her. Simple. Both your lives would be easier and better off. You are clearly not the only person in this relationship who needs to establish appropriate boundaries; your gf needs to also. This is unacceptable behavior.

 

THIRD. You need to talk a long hard look at YOURSELF and think about why this bothers you so much. That is where the root of the problem lies, and if you were able to have a conversation with your girlfriend about THAT, I guarantee you would've had a much more productive (and SHORTER and less EMOTIONAL) conversation than the one you ended up having.

I like your posts because you are mean enough (and probably right) to bring me to my senses

 

I want to trust her and be with her, I just don't know how and why stuff like this bothers me if it actually isn't a big deal. Is it? Maybe I'm just insecure and making a big deal out of nothing. I think she's done enough things to show she's committed to me, I just don't want her to have ANYTHING to do with her ex's, whether its in her mind or on Facebook or whatever.

Edited February 2, 2010 by FooFighter

[OnlyJake]

I like your posts because you are mean enough (and probably right) to bring me to my senses

 

I want to trust her and be with her, I just don't know how and why stuff like this bothers me if it actually isn't a big deal. Is it? Maybe I'm just insecure and making a big deal out of nothing. I think she's done enough things to show she's committed to me, I just don't want her to have ANYTHING to do with her ex's, whether its in her mind or on Facebook or whatever.

LoL I'm not trying to be mean! I'm just direct, lacking in bedside manner and diplomacy, etc.

 

There's a lot of good advice and view points here, and just because I took the opposite stance of many of them doesn't mean I don't think they're viable or good points or anything...

 

You feel the way you feel, and emotions aren't very rational...but I KNOW if you can't get to the bottom of why it bugs you so much, it won't go away, and you won't be able to have a rational, calm, constructive conversation about it. That's all Self-awareness helps with a lot of things.

[Mary3]

I'm not going to touch why it bothers you, but the fact it does and she keeps it up is what is at the heart of the matter.'

 

She already knows it bothers you that she keeps looking at their pages obsessively, and yet keeps doing it and then breaks down over it when you confront her.

 

She needs to make a choice, either she is committed to you, and respects you as a partner and realizes what she is doing is upsetting, or she jepoardizes the relationship.

 

If it is that hard a choice for her to make, then it is pretty clear what her priority is.

 

They are her ex's. If she's over them and has no feelings , it should be easy for her to stop the habit.

 

 

BINGO ! I Love this Answer

[Mary3]

My goodness...back when I was young & dumb I might've lied about that too, if I thought it might save me from a 3 hour argument over something so retarded. Then I grew up, got more secure, learned how to establish boundaries and all that good stuff. If you tried that crap on me now I'd tell you to get lost!

 

OK, FooFighter: FIRST, your girlfriend did answer the question "why" you just don't like her answer, as evidenced by a) your unwillingness to acknowledge that she answered it and b) your description of her answer: "saying she just gets curious about what people are up to blah blah blah".

 

SECOND. "I don't want to keep an eye on her and look at her history again but I guess I might have to, considering she's lied about it twice to me." Dude, are you serious? Who do you think you are? If you don't trust her, the answer is NOT to keep checking up on her. You break up with her. Simple. Both your lives would be easier and better off. You are clearly not the only person in this relationship who needs to establish appropriate boundaries; your gf needs to also. This is unacceptable behavior.

 

THIRD. You need to talk a long hard look at YOURSELF and think about why this bothers you so much. That is where the root of the problem lies, and if you were able to have a conversation with your girlfriend about THAT, I guarantee you would've had a much more productive (and SHORTER and less EMOTIONAL) conversation than the one you ended up having.

 

If she were EMOTIONALLY STABLE she would have felt ANGER not a crying tizzy fit ! She would have said " NO John I am going to do exactly what I want and ____ you " But she didn't . She started bawling and carried on for quite awhile ...

 

NEWS FLASH ! She still FEELS something for one of the exes.

 

THe OP has a perfect right to STOP being disrespected by this so called girl friend. How so do you ask ? He has asked her to stop doing this because it troubles him. Think about your R and your SO asks you to stop something that is hurting her/him.

 

Who creeeps someones pages ? Well.. we all admit to it from time to time , old exes, enemies , people we might be jealous of...a macbre sense of wanting to know but we might check every few months ...not 4 times a week,....Obsessive......but SECOND NEWS flash ! He caught her , he TOLD her it was a weird problem and she continued to DO it behind his back.

 

If I thought OP was an insecure person as a total.. I would lightly suggest he get help. But in THIS case this girl is whack .. 4 times a week ? Why ? She must NOT care that much about her bf....Maybe he should unplug the computer for awhile and put her in Face Book Detox...

[BG1985]

This girl has a screwed up sense of priorities. Is it too much to ask a girl to quit looking up her ex-boyfriends on Facebook 3-4 times per week, especially when she supposedly has no more feelings for these guys?

[FooFighter]

We talked for a long time last night, about a lot of other stuff as well. She assured me she had no feelings for anyone else and, among other things, blocked and deleted all her ex's promptly.

 

I think we had a pretty good talk last night and cleared a lot up. I don't think this will come up again Yeah, she did lie about it, but I lied about some stuff too, and we cleared everything up last night. I'm not going to bring this up again unless I'm forced too. I told her if any more problems come up related to this and she lies, I'm walking.

 

p.s she didn't really have a crying fit simply coz I brought up her ex, which is what everyone here seems to think I said. It was a host of other reasons including the way I brought the subject up , and her saying I did not trust her (this has been an issue before), that made her get mad + have a crying fit

 

NEWS FLASH ! She still FEELS something for one of the exes.

Yes, she does. But she told me they aren't any kind of romantic feelings, she was worried about the guy and like I said in earlier posts, she likes being there for people. Not saying it all isn't weird, but after talking to her I doubt it actually means anything significant. She does not want a relationship with any of them, she is with me. She could have left me ages ago since both her ex's are single and would gladly take her back. Anyway, they're all blocked and deleted. Edited February 3, 2010 by FooFighter