puzzled by love Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 My story.... I was with my ex for approximately 12 months. I adored him. I suppose I became kinda a doormat for him, hence he lost interest and started playing around with other women. Stupid me, put up with it. however it finally ended when he met someone, moved in and became enganged to her all in the space of a month (this was just a week after telling me that it wasnt me.... that he wasnt ready for any type of relationship with just one woman....bah humbug i say to that (this falling for a guy, becoming a doormat, the relationship turning from a potential relationship to just a FWB casual thing often without me realising it was a common relationship pattern for me) Anyhow, i made a resolution not to settle for anything less than what i deserved (all my relationships have been of the FWB variety - at least on their side, not mine). I was no longer going to put up with all that. Since then i have been making it clear that I am not interested in just casual flings. My problem and question is am I being to blunt to announce my boundaries? I normally bring it into the conversation at the second date stage so as to be totally clear, however every guy has gone running. What i cant understand is why do guys only see me as a sexual person. I am not promiscuous. All i want is a relationship that has commitment and loyalty. I see ex`s of mine go from being total comitment phobes whilst with me to being adoring and loving partners (often within days of being with me) to other girls. I often long for someone to feel that way about me, but i dont obviously inspire such feelings in men. Not exactly sure why - i am not exactly the most unattractive person in the world. So now i am just confused. People tell me not to settle for less and to set boundaries, and not to give my heart away too early. I do this, and now am worse off than before. What am i doing wrong? Can anyone help me, shed some light on my delimma and advise me on what to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 I see ex`s of mine go from being total comitment phobes whilst with me to being adoring and loving partners (often within days of being with me) to other girls. I often long for someone to feel that way about me, but i dont obviously inspire such feelings in men. Not exactly sure why - i am not exactly the most unattractive person in the world. So now i am just confused. People tell me not to settle for less and to set boundaries, and not to give my heart away too early. I do this, and now am worse off than before. What am i doing wrong? Can anyone help me, shed some light on my delimma and advise me on what to do? Happy New Year Puzzled. You are right, you are deserving of love. Boundaries are important, but imo, what and how you feel about yourself says it all. I am not talking about conceit. I am talking about a healthy self-respect, a deserving, expectant attitude that is positive. I am talking about falling in love, for lack of a better description , with yourself first See your own beauty and others will. My mom used to call it remembering that you are the cats meow.. Once you have a healthy, (not abusive or selfish) dose of I deserve to be treated like a princess, then "boundaries" will naturally appear. You don't need to become the extreme...just know what you want and stick to your guns about NOT accepting anything less. Oh and we teach people how to treat us... I wish you a brand new shiny year filled with adoring fellas.. Link to post Share on other sites
AprilFool Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Ok, if when I was single and looking, a guy told me "the rules" on a second date, I would go running too Do you have to lay down the law? Can you just wait until he's trying to run his hand up your skirt, and then look at him with shock, and ask, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" That'll give the clear message that you are not cheap and easy. During the period that I was looking for serious, all I got was FWB. When I started looking for FWB, (no sex benefits, just kissing and freem meals) I found serious. Let me put it this way. My husband told me, after he'd only known me 3 days, that he was in love with me. I got really mad at him. Men telling me they loved me, usually led to them trying to use me for sex. I almost dumped him right then, because he was getting too serious too fast. If you tell someone on the second date what you will and will not put up with, then they think you are looking to put them on lock down right now. Just go with the flow, but keep in your head that you aren't going to put up with crap. Can you try and date casually? The best way to get a boyfriend, is to have a different date every weekend. Don't sleep with them, just hang out with them. Then, the ones that are worth keeping see that if they don't act fast, they might lose their chance, and they start calling more....Also, seeing more than one guy helps you to not get attatched so quickly. When a woman falls for a man to quickly, he has control, and she becomes clingy. Not good. Having more than one "friend" gives you the control of who you see, and who you don't, and it makes you being the one pursued, and it helps you to not sit around asking yourself, "Why isn't he calling me?" Have fun. Link to post Share on other sites
Errol Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by AprilFool If you tell someone on the second date what you will and will not put up with, then they think you are looking to put them on lock down right now. LOL! I like that "on lock down" just like a prison -- oh wait, is there a correlation? Link to post Share on other sites
puzzled by love Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 thanks peoples for your replies. I have decided to take some "me" time. I am leaving town and country for a period of time, and i am just going to have fun. No mind games, no entanglements, just doing the stuff that i want to do, when i want to do it without pressure from anyone or anything. I think that this break for ME is what i need right now. LIfe was getting too depressing. Again, thanks for all your help Link to post Share on other sites
aphrodisia Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Think about what you want in a relationship -- the values that are important to you in a relationship: honesty, trust, respect, etc. Make sure that it's crystal clear what YOUR values are and why they are important to you. These values are what your personal boundaries are meant to protect, like a golden shield surrounding precious treasures. Now, when you are meeting new people, feel free to ask them whatever questions you like to find out if they have similar values. If so, they are much more likely to respect yours. In the end, sex is probably not the issue, your values are. Link to post Share on other sites
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