Wife not remorseful about affair...

[JWach]

My wife of 10 years has just had a sexual relationship with another man that started as "just friends". She told me that I have not been meeting her emotional needs for 8 of the 10 years we have been married and that I drove her to this decision in her life. Since the discovery of the affair I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her.

I am in the worst place a married man can be right now. I love my wife dearly. I want nothing more than to show her this.

However........

She is not remorseful whatsoever about the relationship and sex she had with the other man. She has agreed to stop seeing him (can't be sure that she has). She says that "it just happened" and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years.

I dont know what to do....

I want so much to show her that I can be the man that she wants me to be but the images of her sleeping with another man keep popping into my head and prevent me from feeling emotion towards her.

What do I do??????????

Thanks

[LakesideDream]

My wife of 10 years has just had a sexual relationship with another man that started as "just friends". She told me that I have not been meeting her emotional needs for 8 of the 10 years we have been married and that I drove her to this decision in her life. Since the discovery of the affair I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her.

I am in the worst place a married man can be right now. I love my wife dearly. I want nothing more than to show her this.

However........

She is not remorseful whatsoever about the relationship and sex she had with the other man. She has agreed to stop seeing him (can't be sure that she has). She says that "it just happened" and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years.

I dont know what to do....

I want so much to show her that I can be the man that she wants me to be but the images of her sleeping with another man keep popping into my head and prevent me from feeling emotion towards her.

What do I do??????????

Thanks

 

 

Wow, Jwach, She put you on the defensive instantly. Just as quickly she is re-writing the history of your relationship. Think of what she has said and ask yourself.... was her decision to take another man inside her body an "emotional" decision?

 

You are in a turbulant time in your life. You wife is winning the battleof emotion with you, she's making you the guilty party. Please take the time to examine your situation. I didn't sound to me like you deserve the lions share of the responsibility... in fact, how are you responsible at all for your wife's infidelity.

 

If you continue to be kitty whipped, you will never be happy with this woman.

[MARINE_ONE]

I for one will never take my wife back because I know another man has been with her. She wasn't a virgin when I married her, but after I met her NO man should have been allowed near the holiest of holy's.

 

Kick her to the f'ing curb!!

[mark982]

buddy, don't take her crap! she's the one that was a ho. if you were so bad, why didn't she leave years ago? best thing you can do,is dump the garbage at the curb. don't forget to go get your tests for std's.

[bentnotbroken]

She is lying. She hasn't stopped seeing the man, don't fall for that crap. NO remorse= I am still screwing and will continue to do so. You don't have to make a decision instantly but it seems as if she has not intention of trying to work on your marriage. Get tested for STD's asap, see a lawyer as soon as possible and weigh your options carefully. What is she worth to you, your life?

[vangel2]

I wished that my husband had the same attitude towards me when I had an emotional affair. My story is that even though my husband mistreated me for 6 years in my marriage (emotionally, verbally, & physically abused), I never once blamed him for my emotional affair. I knew that it was my way of coping with the pain & hurt, but I knew that it was wrong so I ended it after a month & confessed it to the husband. Now he won't forgive me, he won't work things out with me, & he's wanting a divorce.

 

So my thing to you is, don't let her make you feel like it was entirely your fault. It takes two for a marriage to work & two to make it fail. I think that you should consider marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then I think some time apart would be beneficial for you & your sanity. To live with a woman who has no remorse for what she did is hurtful ...and to keep thinking about is crazy! so, maybe this time apart would make her realize what she's missing, if not, then it wasn't meant to be. But because I don't believe in divorce (bc I'm religious), I think that you should try to work it out as best as you can...and maybe that means looking into the marriage & see why she did what she did. If you figure that out, communicate that with her. She sounds like a bitter person & I think it's bc it's from all those years she wasn't happy bc you supposedly didn't fulfill something... but maybe if you communicate that back with her & allow her to know that you understand her pain... maybe that would break the ice & she'll start to see what she's done... and then start to feel remorseful... if you have a personal relationship with God, I would pray. Prayer is a powerful thing. Good luck.

[Sal Paradise]

She is trying (and from the sound of your post successfully) to manipulate you. The affair IS 100% HER FAULT! The only blame you can share in is for the state of the marriage before the affair. But don't her convince you that you're mostly to blame for the marriage having problems. You may have been a bad husband but I'm sure she was a bad wife as well. And no matter how bad the marriage was that is NO EXCUSE TO CHEAT!

 

She is trying to divert the attention from what she did to you. You need to toughen up. I'd suggest divorce but you seem to want to fix it. Well the only way you can even attempt to do that is by getting tough with her. Don't believe for a second that she has broken off contact with the OM. Without absolute no contact you cannot fix your marriage. Tell her she either goes no contact or she needs to move out the house. Start separating your finances (don't tell her do it behind her back). Make yourself less emotionally available. Give her a taste of what life without you will be like.

[Sal Paradise]

And expose the affair. If this was someone she works with she needs to find another job. Report the affair to management. If he is married or has a girlfriend contact them and tell them as well.

 

Tell her family, your family and your friends as well. The affair will be harder to continue if everyone is watching her and the OM. If you don't expose it will be damn near impossible secure no contact and to save the marriage.

 

She won't like it and she may threaten to leave you over it but you have to stand strong. She lost her vote when she the OM stick his prick in her. Don't empower her attempts to control the situation and you. You must take control.

[SleepingDog]

This is so typical. Sure you may have had problems. She chose to 'solve' your marital problems by having an affair? You did not fulfill her emotional needs, she decided to completely destroy you emotionally?

 

"and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years"

 

She is totally self-absorbed and self obsessed. She has know idea of the extent of pain she has caused you.Sure you were not perfect. Whatever issues you had, she has now added the affair to it. She has been seeing herself as the victim for years. Perhaps she was even right. But now, she is herself guilty of a far bigger crime.

 

Only if she shows remorse can you actually work on the issues in your marriage. And even then, it is a lot of work and suffering. I am not sure it is worth it.With the 10th anniversary of my wife's A coming up this year I am having massive flashbacks.

[Passion4Life]

Divorce her.

 

That's all you can do.

 

She's totally lacking in remorse, accepts no responsibility for what she did, and blames it all on you.

 

Your marriage cannot be saved.

 

completely agree . Get rid of her right now .

[delirious]

My wife of 10 years has just had a sexual relationship with another man that started as "just friends". She told me that I have not been meeting her emotional needs for 8 of the 10 years we have been married and that I drove her to this decision in her life. Since the discovery of the affair I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her.

I am in the worst place a married man can be right now. I love my wife dearly. I want nothing more than to show her this.

However........

She is not remorseful whatsoever about the relationship and sex she had with the other man. She has agreed to stop seeing him (can't be sure that she has). She says that "it just happened" and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years.

I dont know what to do....

I want so much to show her that I can be the man that she wants me to be but the images of her sleeping with another man keep popping into my head and prevent me from feeling emotion towards her.

What do I do??????????

Thanks

 

Maybe she does not believe that you love her, maybe she still loves this guy. Maybe she thinks you are just trying now because you are scared of losing and as soon as she comes back to you, you will change back. She maybe trying to come to terms with how this happened to her and angry at you for not showing enough love before. Also depends on her age too. I would guess she would not be remorseful either if she had been deprived of love for so long.

[lostsunsets]

I concur. Dump her. No remorse="I will do it again if the opportunity arises."

[seibert253]

180, 180, 180, then 180 some more

 

Read up on it, learn it, start it right away. This is to lead you down the road to persnal healing, and give her a little taste of life without you.

Stop "being there" for her, don't initiate conversation, and basically ignore her.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may be responsible for 50% of your marital problems, but the A is 100% her fault.

 

I'm sorry, she choose that, you didn't have a say in it.

 

If she's not remorseful, you need to go hardball right away. She needs a 2X4 of reality to smack her back into the real world. Contacting an A, filing for D, then having her served is a great wakeup call. The great thing is, then you'll know right away where she stands. If it clears her out of the fog and brings her back, great. If it doesn't and she pulls away, that's also great. Then you'll know where you stand and how to proceed. No need in wasting months or years in false R.

The future is now.

 

Do not for an instant think her A is over. They usually just get better at hiding it.

[Samantha0905]

I don't know what advice to give. Perhaps she is remorseful and is saying what she's saying as a defense mechanism. An affair is a really bad way to handle problems in a marriage.

 

If I were you and I wanted to salvage the marriage, I'd suggest an immediate trip to the marriage counselor. If she's not willing, I concur with the suggestion to head to the lawyer given by Seibert. You'd see pretty quickly if she's willing to change her behavior.

[delirious]

180, 180, 180, then 180 some more

 

Read up on it, learn it, start it right away. This is to lead you down the road to persnal healing, and give her a little taste of life without you.

Stop "being there" for her, don't initiate conversation, and basically ignore her.

 

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You may be responsible for 50% of your marital problems, but the A is 100% her fault.

 

I'm sorry, she choose that, you didn't have a say in it.

 

If she's not remorseful, you need to go hardball right away. She needs a 2X4 of reality to smack her back into the real world. Contacting an A, filing for D, then having her served is a great wakeup call. The great thing is, then you'll know right away where she stands. If it clears her out of the fog and brings her back, great. If it doesn't and she pulls away, that's also great. Then you'll know where you stand and how to proceed. No need in wasting months or years in false R.

The future is now.

 

Do not for an instant think her A is over. They usually just get better at hiding it.

 

To me, and I have been where his W is. This is really bad advice. Unless of course he does not want her back ever.

[Passion4Life]

To me, and I have been where his W is. This is really bad advice. Unless of course he does not want her back ever.

 

bad advice ? should he feel guilty that his wife is having sex with other man ?

just the fact that she shows no remorse confirms that she will do it again & OP needs to be prepared for hearing new set of flaws in him that made her repeat her behaviour.

[JWach]

"I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her."

 

OK Guy, what did you fail to do to deserve this kind of treatment? Please enlighten us! A woman or a man should advise the partner or spouse in advance of the possibility that they will have an affair. A marriage is a contract both emotional and financial. It is not fair for one party to abide by it while the other has affair(s), unless there are extenuating circumstances. What are her grievances that would justify her actions in your mind?

 

 

I am taking responsibility for my "LACK OF" emotions towards my wife. I have been very self centered over the past years. I started my own business about 4 years ago and I have been focusing on nothing but work durring this time. I am not using it as an excuse....It has been where all my focus has been. It has been a struggle and I let it control me instead of controlling it. Through this time I did not give my wife words of affirmation, did not communucate with her, our sexual life has been non- existent. I was often short tempered with her about even little things. I just did not show her that I loved her. I have always felt it just did not communicate it.

I should also mention that we have two great girls together. 8 and 6. We both love them very much.

We have been to one counceling session together with our pastor who does have a counceling backround and even there put the blame of the affair on me. She has agreed to more counceling I just don't want it to turn into a blaming session.

Well thanks for listening..And "most" of the replies.

[Disintegration]

She cheated on you and is blaming you for the affair? It isn't your fault. You are entitled to feel pain and sorrow for what she has done. She went outside of your marriage and committed adultery. There is no excuse for that. Your feelings are more important right now and she is manipulating you into believe otherwise. She is trying to turn it around. If she felt ignored or her needs weren't being met she should have discussed it with you-her husband! Communication is essential in any relationship. I'm sorry you are hurt right now, you need to take all the time you need to reevaluate what is best for you. Once trust is broken it's extremely hard to get back. I sympathize with you envisioning her with the other man, no one should ever have to go through that. If she isn't remorseful or wanting to work it out then maybe divorce is your only option. Good luck to you.

[JWach]

I wished that my husband had the same attitude towards me when I had an emotional affair. My story is that even though my husband mistreated me for 6 years in my marriage (emotionally, verbally, & physically abused), I never once blamed him for my emotional affair. I knew that it was my way of coping with the pain & hurt, but I knew that it was wrong so I ended it after a month & confessed it to the husband. Now he won't forgive me, he won't work things out with me, & he's wanting a divorce.

 

So my thing to you is, don't let her make you feel like it was entirely your fault. It takes two for a marriage to work & two to make it fail. I think that you should consider marriage counseling. If that doesn't work, then I think some time apart would be beneficial for you & your sanity. To live with a woman who has no remorse for what she did is hurtful ...and to keep thinking about is crazy! so, maybe this time apart would make her realize what she's missing, if not, then it wasn't meant to be. But because I don't believe in divorce (bc I'm religious), I think that you should try to work it out as best as you can...and maybe that means looking into the marriage & see why she did what she did. If you figure that out, communicate that with her. She sounds like a bitter person & I think it's bc it's from all those years she wasn't happy bc you supposedly didn't fulfill something... but maybe if you communicate that back with her & allow her to know that you understand her pain... maybe that would break the ice & she'll start to see what she's done... and then start to feel remorseful... if you have a personal relationship with God, I would pray. Prayer is a powerful thing. Good luck.

 

 

Thanks for the reply.

I am also religious and don't beleive in divorce. That is what is making this even more complicated. I am supposed to forgive......My mind will not let me....I have posted an earlier reply that goes a little further into our situation. Thanks for the post and I will keep praying.

[anne1707]

Counselling should not really be about blame - there are enough accusations flying around without the counsellor doing that. A good counsellor should be helping you both to identify how the the marriage has gone wrong in a non-judgmental manner and how you can both work towards putting it right - if you want to. It may be better if you try another counsellor - one that feels right for both of you.

[Samantha0905]

Thanks for the reply.

I am also religious and don't beleive in divorce. That is what is making this even more complicated. I am supposed to forgive......My mind will not let me....I have posted an earlier reply that goes a little further into our situation. Thanks for the post and I will keep praying.

 

She's responsible for the affair and should have remorse for it. Both of you are responsible for the marriage working. If you both want to keep the marriage going, you both are responsible for taking positive action to make that occur.

 

You seem to be accepting responsibility for your part in not making the marriage relationship work well. She should take responsibility for her part in the harm caused to your marriage -- the affair. It is absolutely necessary you both want to make the marriage work. I'm assuming she is at total NC with the AP?

 

Forgiveness is tough in this situation, I am sure, and will take time if you are willing. I imagine it's something you cannot do on your own and only with God's help. Through you it may not be possible, but with God everything is -- as I'm sure you know.

 

I do think she should have discussed things with you if she felt the marriage was troubled or she was being neglected. I will say, however, this can be very difficult when being neglected. Non-communication makes it easier for a person to slip down that slippery slope. I'm not saying it's your fault at all. I'm just saying the entire marriage relationship, including the communication dynamics, should be taken into consideration when something like this happens to a marriage. Two people are responsible for the happiness of a marriage. There should be an agreement between the two if something is amiss -- speak up!

 

I think marriage counseling will help the two of you greatly. Perhaps you should consider going to a licensed psychologist that is not connected with your church. It will go a long way towards you forgiving her if she accepts responsibility for her action, has remorse, and works diligently to make things better. In fact, you both are going to have to work diligently to make things better. The actual feelings/issues may be something you can hash out with the help of a marriage counselor.

[Church Bells]

We have been to one counceling session together with our pastor who does have a counceling backround and even there put the blame of the affair on me. She has agreed to more counceling I just don't want it to turn into a blaming session.

 

Based on my own experiences, I have found little value in marriage counselors, and I would have even less confidence in a pastor to provide any meaningful insight. If he is placing the blame ON YOU for YOUR WIFE's AFFAIR, then I would never darken the steps of that church again ... you are dealing with a complete QUACK!!!

[itmustbeme]

Dude sorry for what you are going through. Lets just look at what you said. You did not meet her needs for 8 of the 10 years you were married. If that were true then why would she want to be married to you at all? If you were that bad why would she want you back at all? My guess is your history has been re-written.

 

Let me explain how it is suppose to work. If you do not meet your wifes needs she talks to you and you talk to her. Go to counseling or get professional help and work on your marriage. If that does not work she gets to divorce and you two go your separate ways. At this point she can get banged like a salvation army drum all she wants.

 

Cheating wives can be the worst. She probably thinks she is entitled to bang another guy, and keep the house and the kids and you can send her your paycheck. Do not play that game with her.

 

What if you met some new woman who was really hot? She talked sexy to you and showed you that she wanted you. Then like your wife she let you bang her and guess what you probably wouldn’t want much to do with your wife. It is always much more exciting to be with some new hot thing than to have to settle for old reliable. You can’t really compete with that.

 

And you also say she loves the kids very much. If that is true why is she bumping uglies with another guy? You’re just a poor sap who accepts the words of your failings from a confirmed liar. I read what you said your failings were but again if you were such a lousy husband that your wife had to go sleep with another man then she may not come back. But you sound like a guy who is going to get raked over the coals by a woman who gets to treat you like crap and you will accept it.

 

If that improves your marriage then you should go out and bang another woman and have a perfect marriage. But we both know that will not improve things or your marriage. Either will putting up with a woman who does this to you.

[sally4sara]

Get rid of her. There is no point in expecting someone to show remorse when they can't even accept responsibility for their actions.

This isn't something you can't work through if she doesn't feel remorse, it is something you can't work through because your spouse is a childish brat.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

and even there put the blame of the affair on me.

 

This is absolutely wrong.

You may have contributed to marital problems, but not an affair.

An affair says something about her, not about you.

Since when does another penis in your vagina resolve any problem.

 

What if she made her issues clear to you, and said....If you don't correct them, I will have sex with someone else?

 

If she was unhappy, she could have given you an ultimatum

 

Consider also....that you are justifying her behavior.

 

During the last 4 years of getting your business going, was SHE completely helpful, supportive, offering help, suggestions, picking up slack.

 

None of this means you should not stay married.

However, she should feel ashamed and embarrassed for HERSELF.

This type of behavior is rather gross for a single lady.

Was the other man also married?

 

Find a good therapist who will place the responsibility where it belongs.

It's a tough road, but you can recover.

You will need to forgive to move forward.

You will need to decide if she is aggressively address her issues so this never happens again.