Wife not remorseful about affair...

[delirious]

Butternut...

Joined Jan 27

 

Today is Feb 2

 

240 posts!

 

Needs to go back on his meds.

Perhaps he should be renamed Nutter Butt as he is a bit of an a*****ole:rolleyes:

[confusedinkansas]

your past posts says(all your posts).....

you are with your H, because your AP not interested to have R with you(how convenient)...

you are with your H,doesn't mean that you are changed or whole new person or drowned in a holy water....you just settled for it(cause it's convenient, plain and simple)

OP,this is exactly how it is going to be if you take her back(expect for blame game and lot of BS)....

 

I'm not sure where you came up with this from - but it's not a correct statement.

Never left my husband for the other man - left for other reasons. (Other man wasn't in my life when I left)

The other man has another married woman. Also, even if he wasn't with this other woman - I'm not interested. Haven't been interested for a very long time. But thanks for your input just the same.

 

I think that if the OP WANTS to be with his wife he will figure out a way. IF on the other hand, he can't see that there is a future with her, then he needs to go now and spare himself from anymore heartache.

 

Even though I don't feel completely remorseful about my affair, doesn't mean that I'm not a "changed person"......(I'm not remorseful because of situations prior to, during & after my affair. I will always believe that the affair not only saved my marriage, it saved my sanity....AT THE TIME)

 

However, the day that I made the decision to never cheat ON or WITH anyone - ever again, was a turning point for me. Perhaps the OP's wife could do the same.

[bentnotbroken]

Why is Butternut so vicious? Who has the time to dissect someone's old posts?

 

Personally, I think that anyone who strays from their marriage likely does so because there was something missing in the first place. I highly doubt that anyone who is truly happy in their marriage actually goes looking for an affair.

 

As for not telling a non-suspecting spouse about an affair, I believe that under certain circumstances it is better to withhold that information if the spouse will be devastated or if there are children involved. Why crush someone's soul by disclosing an affair for the sake of trying to create intimacy within the marriage - that makes no sense. Now you have two unhappy people.

 

As for a WS appearing "unrepenant" that may be a bullying technique to control the BS... behaviour that is not restricted to men or women - both sexes do it, depending upon their individual personalities.

 

Just my opinion...

 

 

Because no true healthy relationship can be built on the lies, by either party. If the concern for the spouses emotional state was so great, then the WS would have found a different way to cope with the issues of marriage. ALL marriages have problems, that is normal. How we deal with those problems are up to the individual. Dealing by cheating is only adding fuel to the fire, yet to expect the BS not to be burned because you withhold the truth is unrealistic. No matter what the justification that is used for cheating there will be consequences for all involved....even if they don't know it.

[Passion4Life]

Samantha, I'm sad that you are getting such a bashing here.

 

I've always found you to be a compassionate poster.

 

There's always the ignore button or alert the mods if you decide that you've had enough.

 

Take care!

 

Buttnutter100 , ur response to samantha is really almost abusive. I dont know how ur post can help OP when all its directed to insullt someone ? ur posts really make u sound like someone extreamly troubled & not in normal mental state. Pls try to be a little kind .

 

Samantha , really sorry that u have to see these kind of useless posts . pls ignore those posts that have such nonsnse .

[Samantha0905]

Buttnutter100 , ur response to samantha is really almost abusive. I dont know how ur post can help OP when all its directed to insullt someone ? ur posts really make u sound like someone extreamly troubled & not in normal mental state. Pls try to be a little kind .

 

Samantha , really sorry that u have to see these kind of useless posts . pls ignore those posts that have such nonsnse .

 

I have. Thank you.

 

I realize we all have an opinion, but verbal abuse serves no purpose. Butternut posted a completely fabricated story regarding what had gone on with ME which he made up all on his own in his little world. It was at least 95% incorrect. I believe the post has been removed -- thankfully. It's sad when someone makes all sorts of assumptions/judgments about someone they do not know at all. It's mostly sad for the person who's heart allows them to make the negative judgments.

 

We all have different opinions. I don't always agree with a poster's opinion, but it doesn't mean I don't respect their opinion or their right to have and post that opinion -- if they do it in a civil manner. Sometimes other people's opinions help us -- even if they are contrary to our own. We may adopt their suggestions over time, or we may not. I do think it's very important to show some respect for others when posting. It's ridiculous to make assertions about someone else's life especially when making up events that have not occurred based on a judgmental nature and false assumptions.

[Samantha0905]

Why is Butternut so vicious? Who has the time to dissect someone's old posts?

 

Personally, I think that anyone who strays from their marriage likely does so because there was something missing in the first place. I highly doubt that anyone who is truly happy in their marriage actually goes looking for an affair.

 

As for not telling a non-suspecting spouse about an affair, I believe that under certain circumstances it is better to withhold that information if the spouse will be devastated or if there are children involved. Why crush someone's soul by disclosing an affair for the sake of trying to create intimacy within the marriage - that makes no sense. Now you have two unhappy people.

 

As for a WS appearing "unrepenant" that may be a bullying technique to control the BS... behaviour that is not restricted to men or women - both sexes do it, depending upon their individual personalities.

 

Just my opinion...

 

I agree. Great post!

[confusedinkansas]

As for not telling a non-suspecting spouse about an affair, I believe that under certain circumstances it is better to withhold that information if the spouse will be devastated or if there are children involved. Why crush someone's soul by disclosing an affair for the sake of trying to create intimacy within the marriage - that makes no sense. Now you have two unhappy people.

 

I agree. Great post!

 

Even though it's a little off topic from OP......I agree as well - Great post.

[Hop_prophet]

As for not telling a non-suspecting spouse about an affair, I believe that under certain circumstances it is better to withhold that information if the spouse will be devastated or if there are children involved. Why crush someone's soul by disclosing an affair for the sake of trying to create intimacy within the marriage - that makes no sense. Now you have two unhappy people.

 

What?! How convenient. This is ridiculous. No one discloses an affair to create intimacy. You disclose it because of remorse and a sincere desire to do whats best for you partner. And to give them a chance to decide what they want to do in their future. This kind of rationalization is so often congratulated by cheaters.

 

The ONLY reason I can see not to disclose is what Samantha0905 stated earlier about her partner not wanting to know after investing so much time into the marriage. And even then this comes from a place of willful denial and is probably not best for the person on the receiving end. Cheating is horrible enough but robbing someone of their freedom to move on through further dishonesty is even worse.

[SoulStorm]

What?! How convenient. This is ridiculous. No one discloses an affair to create intimacy. You disclose it because of remorse and a sincere desire to do whats best for you partner. And to give them a chance to decide what they want to do in their future. This kind of rationalization is so often congratulated by cheaters.

 

The ONLY reason I can see not to disclose is what Samantha0905 stated earlier about her partner not wanting to know after investing so much time into the marriage. And even then this comes from a place of willful denial and is probably not best for the person on the receiving end. Cheating is horrible enough but robbing someone of their freedom to move on through further dishonesty is even worse.

 

I agree. Great Post

[Samantha0905]

What?! How convenient. This is ridiculous. No one discloses an affair to create intimacy. You disclose it because of remorse and a sincere desire to do whats best for you partner. And to give them a chance to decide what they want to do in their future. This kind of rationalization is so often congratulated by cheaters.

 

The ONLY reason I can see not to disclose is what Samantha0905 stated earlier about her partner not wanting to know after investing so much time into the marriage. And even then this comes from a place of willful denial and is probably not best for the person on the receiving end. Cheating is horrible enough but robbing someone of their freedom to move on through further dishonesty is even worse.

 

I think in our case it would just cause a LOT of unneeded pain. The affair was a by-product of some very bad things going on both in our communication and in me personally. Among other things, I became an empty nester and handled it very poorly -- felt depressed, etc. Plus, I was planning a wedding and renovating a house. I'm not saying that as an excuse(s), it just WAS what was happening. Things don't happen in a vacuum. Sometimes they stack up in a bad way in relation to someone's coping skills, current state of mind, etc. I was lonely anyway and the children moving out made it tons worse. The way I handled things showed a flaw in my character and judgment.

 

I honestly feel -- despite protests from anyone here -- my husband would want to stay in the marriage even knowing about the affair after a whole lot of angst, depression, sadness, anger, etc. I could be wrong -- but I'm pretty darn sure.

 

By telling him, I would hurt him deeply, cause insecurity, mistrust, etc. I imagine there may even be a separation for a while. The children (adults) would find out and it would also rock their emotions.

 

So then, I would not only be dealing with trying to make both of us communicate better -- which we are discussing and working on and we're doing better -- but there would also be much turmoil that would take years to overcome -- if one ever overcomes such a thing. All for the sake of honesty.

 

I think it's a truth they can all do without.

 

I'm not going to do it.

[SoulStorm]

Remorse causes you to look inside yourself and see how horrible you were/are. Remorse causes action. It causes actions that will help rectify the damage done.

Thinking that withholding valuable information will help your betrayed spouse (who doesn't even know they have been betrayed) is the same thinking that led you into cheating. It is deceptive and outright manipulation. Filled with justification that you are saving the spouse from hurt.

When in all actuality, you are the one that continually destroys them each day you keep it a secret.

 

Hiding behind God and scripture is truly self-righteous. God forgives, but He also does not dwell in lies.

 

Because you confess your lie to Him does not mean you are exonerated. Your lie by omission is still prevalent. You have to ask forgiveness from your fellow man also for wrongs you have done against them. Especially if this person is your spouse.

 

By not being remorseful and by not telling YOU are controlling the relationship and your spouses' decision on whether or not they want to stay with someone who could cheat on them. That is manipulation and deception. But if that is what you want for a marriage, good luck

[Samantha0905]

Remorse causes you to look inside yourself and see how horrible you were/are. Remorse causes action. It causes actions that will help rectify the damage done.

Thinking that withholding valuable information will help your betrayed spouse (who doesn't even know they have been betrayed) is the same thinking that led you into cheating. It is deceptive and outright manipulation. Filled with justification that you are saving the spouse from hurt.

When in all actuality, you are the one that continually destroys them each day you keep it a secret.

 

Hiding behind God and scripture is truly self-righteous. God forgives, but He also does not dwell in lies.

 

Because you confess your lie to Him does not mean you are exonerated. Your lie by omission is still prevalent. You have to ask forgiveness from your fellow man also for wrongs you have done against them. Especially if this person is your spouse.

 

By not being remorseful and by not telling YOU are controlling the relationship and your spouses' decision on whether or not they want to stay with someone who could cheat on them. That is manipulation and deception. But if that is what you want for a marriage, good luck

 

I love the way people think someone is "hiding" behind God and scripture. People stray from their relationship with God. They sometimes commit serious sins. I do think God will let someone who repeatedly sins be on their own to reap repercussions. I also believe in once saved, always saved. When we truly feel remorse and ask GOD for forgiveness, I think he is there to offer it to us.

 

Remorse does cause action. It just doesn't have to be the action people think it should be. It could be a heart that is turned towards God and the marriage in sincerity. I don't think it is required to tell the person you have harmed in order to receive forgiveness. I do think it makes it more difficult to have a close walk with God when one doesn't, but this does not negate God's forgiveness. And yes -- when you confess your sin to God and ask Him to forgive you with a sincere heart, it most certainly is wiped away.

 

I wonder how many people who assert confessing to a person as the only way are also people who have been cheated on and found out about the betrayal? I imagine that gives you quite a different perspective -- rooted in indignation and a feeling you had the right to know. If you had never found out and your spouse felt inner remorse and tried to do every thing they could from then on out to help make the marriage work things may have worked out just fine.

[zwieback.toast]

Remorse causes you to look inside yourself and see how horrible you were/are. Remorse causes action. It causes actions that will help rectify the damage done.

Thinking that withholding valuable information will help your betrayed spouse (who doesn't even know they have been betrayed) is the same thinking that led you into cheating. It is deceptive and outright manipulation. Filled with justification that you are saving the spouse from hurt.

When in all actuality, you are the one that continually destroys them each day you keep it a secret.

 

Hiding behind God and scripture is truly self-righteous. God forgives, but He also does not dwell in lies.

 

Because you confess your lie to Him does not mean you are exonerated. Your lie by omission is still prevalent. You have to ask forgiveness from your fellow man also for wrongs you have done against them. Especially if this person is your spouse.

 

By not being remorseful and by not telling YOU are controlling the relationship and your spouses' decision on whether or not they want to stay with someone who could cheat on them. That is manipulation and deception. But if that is what you want for a marriage, good luck

 

 

I don't think it's possible to keep that big of a secret no matter how carefully one tries anyway.

 

Constant deception is very very difficult to pull off. Also I believe on some level even if we want to keep a secret something inside us works against that and at some point it's very easy to slip up.

 

Then of course is the problem that in order to keep a secret like that, you have to be sure you are able to keep it forever, which is a long time.

 

I just have never been able to tell "big lies" like that, I'm just not good at lying. My conscience bothers me or something, I might be able to pull it off for a while, but at some point the guilt would eat away at me and I would either confess or more likely blurt it out during an argument or something.

 

I truly envy people who are able to carry off a deception of that magnitude without letting their conscience bother them. I would probably be a lot wealthier if I had that ability.

[reboot]

A relationship cannot be built, nor can it stand, on a foundation of lies.

[Disintegration]

Remorse causes you to look inside yourself and see how horrible you were/are. Remorse causes action. It causes actions that will help rectify the damage done.

Thinking that withholding valuable information will help your betrayed spouse (who doesn't even know they have been betrayed) is the same thinking that led you into cheating. It is deceptive and outright manipulation. Filled with justification that you are saving the spouse from hurt.

When in all actuality, you are the one that continually destroys them each day you keep it a secret.

 

Hiding behind God and scripture is truly self-righteous. God forgives, but He also does not dwell in lies.

 

Because you confess your lie to Him does not mean you are exonerated. Your lie by omission is still prevalent. You have to ask forgiveness from your fellow man also for wrongs you have done against them. Especially if this person is your spouse.

 

By not being remorseful and by not telling YOU are controlling the relationship and your spouses' decision on whether or not they want to stay with someone who could cheat on them. That is manipulation and deception. But if that is what you want for a marriage, good luck

 

I would have to agree with you on this.

[Disintegration]

A relationship cannot be built, nor can it stand, on a foundation of lies.

You're absolutely right!

[Disintegration]

I personally think the longer you keep a secret the worse off it'll be. Years of not knowing, will make the betrayal even harder to fathum. I think it would cause more damage, lying for a more extensive time makes the situation a lot harder to deal with.

[SoulStorm]

I love the way people think someone is "hiding" behind God and scripture. People stray from their relationship with God. They sometimes commit serious sins. I do think God will let someone who repeatedly sins be on their own to reap repercussions. I also believe in once saved, always saved. When we truly feel remorse and ask GOD for forgiveness, I think he is there to offer it to us.

 

Remorse does cause action. It just doesn't have to be the action people think it should be. It could be a heart that is turned towards God and the marriage in sincerity. I don't think it is required to tell the person you have harmed in order to receive forgiveness. I do think it makes it more difficult to have a close walk with God when one doesn't, but this does not negate God's forgiveness. And yes -- when you confess your sin to God and ask Him to forgive you with a sincere heart, it most certainly is wiped away.

 

I wonder how many people who assert confessing to a person as the only way are also people who have been cheated on and found out about the betrayal? I imagine that gives you quite a different perspective -- rooted in indignation and a feeling you had the right to know. If you had never found out and your spouse felt inner remorse and tried to do every thing they could from then on out to help make the marriage work things may have worked out just fine.

 

 

So after saying all of that..God would want you to lie to your husband?

And you have a sincere heart in keeping in this lie?

Say what you must, but you know that I am right. You still are lying by omission.

[zwieback.toast]

A relationship cannot be built, nor can it stand, on a foundation of lies.

 

I tend to agree with this and never questioned what you're saying here, but reading everything on this thread has made me doubt that perspective.

 

There seem to be one or more people advocating a differing position, that depending on the circumstances, lying/not telling the truth can actually be good for the relationship. I had never looked at it that way before because I always just naturally assumed like you are saying that it's impossible to build a good relationship upon lies.

 

Maybe that is true, maybe it is better if the betrayed spouse is not told about the affair as it would cause great pain.

 

On the other hand, I had always believed that "telling the truth" was an issue of one's personal integrity, i.e., by lying even if it is to spare the spouse's feelings, you have compromised your personal integrity.

 

In any case assuming lying can be good for a relationship, it would seem that the bigger the secret or wrong-doing, the more important it is to lie to one's spouse, because to tell the truth about a very big secret would cause the most pain to the betrayed spouse.

[Hop_prophet]

Well that is the path you have chosen and I am not going to get into a huge debate about confessing. It takes a great deal of strength and self reflection to do that and it redeems the cheater in a very meaningful way. I bet you would feel much better in the long run if you did disclose it. Your behavior is selfish and rooted in conflict avoidance and is not what is best for your husband IMO. The bottom line is that YOU are deciding for him that every thing is ok when it is very likely that things are not fine. How could they be after such a betrayal?

 

If you want to deceive your husband for the rest of his life and you can be at peace with that then more power to you. I think he deserves better and deep down I think most people will agree.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here's an idea on why she may not be remorseful about the affair.

 

She justifys it in her head. Whatever you have done to he in the past - it's her way of "getting back."

I totally would understand that - No, I did not say it was right or wrong. But I understand if that's how her line of thought is going.

 

It's the "reason" I had my affair - How my husband was behaving, things he did & said. Perhaps it's the same scenario with your wife.

My affair has been over for several years now - I don't regret a minute of it (never want to see the guy again) & I really am not very remorseful about it either. AND....My husband understands that. Doesn't make him a pansey or less of a man. He just gets it.

 

 

If I were to stay with a cheater, which I won't, if said cheater was not remorseful for making the decision to let another man enter her, she'd be looking for another place to live.

 

your husband might "get" the non-excuse of a "reason" you did what you did, but did it occur to you that he really couldn't give a crap?

 

I wouldn't be bothered with a cheating spouse that wasn't remorseful if I simply didn't care, or figured if the marriage ends, so be it. Oh well.

Edited February 3, 2010 by Dexter Morgan

[Dexter Morgan]

I personally think the longer you keep a secret the worse off it'll be. Years of not knowing, will make the betrayal even harder to fathum. I think it would cause more damage, lying for a more extensive time makes the situation a lot harder to deal with.

 

You are ABSOLUTELY right. I lived this scenrio to a T. found out several years and 2 kids later and that made it MUCH worse than if she had the guts to tell me BEFORE we were married.

[bentnotbroken]

I love the way people think someone is "hiding" behind God and scripture. People stray from their relationship with God. They sometimes commit serious sins. I do think God will let someone who repeatedly sins be on their own to reap repercussions. I also believe in once saved, always saved. When we truly feel remorse and ask GOD for forgiveness, I think he is there to offer it to us.

 

Remorse does cause action. It just doesn't have to be the action people think it should be. It could be a heart that is turned towards God and the marriage in sincerity. I don't think it is required to tell the person you have harmed in order to receive forgiveness. I do think it makes it more difficult to have a close walk with God when one doesn't, but this does not negate God's forgiveness. And yes -- when you confess your sin to God and ask Him to forgive you with a sincere heart, it most certainly is wiped away.

 

I wonder how many people who assert confessing to a person as the only way are also people who have been cheated on and found out about the betrayal? I imagine that gives you quite a different perspective -- rooted in indignation and a feeling you had the right to know. If you had never found out and your spouse felt inner remorse and tried to do every thing they could from then on out to help make the marriage work things may have worked out just fine.

 

 

:bunny::bunny:That would be me. I will always feel I have the right to make decisions about MY life? Just as Mr. Messy had the right to make decisions about HIS life. I didn't find out for a number of years....until the last A. I didn't have a clue, wasn't happy with him, but never felt he was cheating. When I did, now I wonder what parts of my life, if any were real. I wonder when he said a certain thing, took me on trip or gave me a gift, what was the reason for it. Was it remorse, guilt, appeasement, love(I now know he could have never loved me. My children were conceived in lust and I thought all this time it was love on both our parts). When he blamed me for stuff and accused me of being manipulative was it because that was the way he really was or because OW did something he didn't like and I took the heat? I wonder when my father was dying was he with her? I wonder where or who was his mind when I thought it was just the two of us?

 

I also don't want to debate about why you won't tell, that's your choice. But if had been given the choice that was mine in the first place, there are different directions I would have taken years ago. I wouldn't have felt cheated out of a large portion of my life? I wouldn't have felt like the 20+ years I spent with him weren't a mirage, an illusion. I do believe God forgives completely when asked. He also says we have to go to those we have to those we have offended and make it right with them, not to mention bearing false witness. Just my take.

[Samantha0905]

A relationship cannot be built, nor can it stand, on a foundation of lies.

 

The entire foundation isn't lies. I had one affair. I made a mistake or wrong choice for those who don't like the word mistake. There were 32 years without an affair and I imagine there are going to be quite a few more beyond this past not very happy year.

 

An affair does not define a relationship.

 

I personally think the longer you keep a secret the worse off it'll be. Years of not knowing, will make the betrayal even harder to fathum. I think it would cause more damage, lying for a more extensive time makes the situation a lot harder to deal with.

 

You're assuming it will come out or everything that comes out of my mouth from now until the end of our life together will be lies. I don't think once someone tells a lie, they are bound to continue lying. I don't think once someone has an affair they will necessarily continue having affairs. I don't think my marriage will be a lie. I don't think it has been a lie. It's not like the affair is still going on and it isn't like a nagging thing for me.

 

So after saying all of that..God would want you to lie to your husband?

And you have a sincere heart in keeping in this lie?

Say what you must, but you know that I am right. You still are lying by omission.

 

No, God has forgiven me and I'm sure wants me to forgive myself. I will say what I must and I don't agree with you. I don't know you are right. I think perhaps for you that is the right way for you to handle it. My goodness, if everything I don't tell is a lie by omission -- does that leave me with no privacy or secrets?

 

I am moving forward. I'm not feeling this overwhelming sense to tell. I actually feel there is absolutely no need to tell.

[Disintegration]

The bottom line is that YOU are deciding for him that every thing is ok when it is very likely that things are not fine. How could they be after such a betrayal?

 

Exactly. What gives that person the right to decide something of that magnitude for someone else? To spare their feelings? Honesty goes a long way.

 

 

If you want to deceive your husband for the rest of his life and you can be at peace with that then more power to you. I think he deserves better and deep down I think most people will agree.

 

He deserves the truth. Why should he have to accept something he has no knowledge of? Infedelity is usually a deal breaker. Some can survive but he should be allowed to make that choice, instead of it being decided for him.