Wife not remorseful about affair...

[zwieback.toast]

Thanks. I may be able to do that after counseling. That's a very difficult thing for me to do.

 

You're welcome.

Counseling might not be a bad idea.

 

We're not having sex, by the way. When I moved out in June we stopped having sex and haven't had sex since. He seemed very happy when I decided to end my lease at the apartments. My AP protested that decision a lot, but I just felt like I needed to not end a 27 year long marriage. I moved back right before Thanksgiving. We've been out of town a couple of times on trips and I thought he would try to initiate sex, but he has not. I haven't either. I just can't bring myself to do it because it feels like I'll just be moving along doing what I don't want to do and not addressing the problem.

 

 

OK this info is important. Based on the above, I'm sad to say but I think your marriage is done.

 

You'd previously indicated that you'd moved out to an apartment prior to starting the sexual part of your affair. You really loved your apartment, you really loved the affair sex. You also said that when you moved out you had decided you were finished with the marriage. You've never been satisfied with your husband and your kids are out of the house.

 

Your affair has all the earmarks of the so called exit affair, i.e., the kind of affair a woman gets involved in when she wants "out" of an unhappy marriage. Apparently your affair hit some kind of a snag, there was some drama, and you broke it off. Also maybe you didn't think your AP was mature enough for an LTR, he sounds like he was a boytoy.

 

I'm not sure why you didn't keep the apartment. It sounds like you moved back in with your husband because you don't have anywhere else to go--yet.

 

The clincher is that you haven't had sex with your h since you moved out, even after you returned home. The bottom line is that you're not having sex because you "don't want to do" it.

 

Sorry to say but your marriage is dead. A sexless marriage is not a marriage and at this point you'll never be satisfied with it. Either you'll divulge the affair or not, but I'm not sure that at this point it really matters, because sooner or later you will either get back together with your AP or find someone else.

 

You know you're still young. Just get divorced, get your apartment back, live on your own as a single, date around, have sex with a variety of different people (after all you've only ever had your h and your AP), and maybe or maybe not get married again to someone you can really enjoy living with.

 

The divorce laws in most states favor women who have been married for a long time, so this can be financially advantageous to you as well--you can get at least 50% of your h's assets and probably significant alimony as well due to the length of your marriage. Why not? It's a great deal for you, unfortunate situation for your husband, but you've got to look out for your own happiness now.

[jennie-jennie]

Thanks. I may be able to do that after counseling. That's a very difficult thing for me to do.

 

We're not having sex, by the way. When I moved out in June we stopped having sex and haven't had sex since. He seemed very happy when I decided to end my lease at the apartments. My AP protested that decision a lot, but I just felt like I needed to not end a 27 year long marriage. I moved back right before Thanksgiving. We've been out of town a couple of times on trips and I thought he would try to initiate sex, but he has not. I haven't either. I just can't bring myself to do it because it feels like I'll just be moving along doing what I don't want to do and not addressing the problem.

 

It's simple really, if you are incompatible sexually, then you are incompatible sexually, nothing to do about it.

 

I am more and more thinking that noone should get married until they have had a satisfying sex life together for two years. The first year the love is still new, so the reality of your future sex life will most likely not show. I know I for one was so passionate for my exSO the first year that I did not realize until later what a low sex drive he had.

 

The importance of sexual compatability is greatly underestimated in my opinon. After all sex is what makes the difference between a couple in a relationship and a couple of friends.

[zwieback.toast]

Christianity doesn't imply perfection. Christians sin all the time, luckily they are saved by Grace and their souls are not imperiled once saved.

 

Well as a Christian in a state of Grace, I'm curious as to how were you able to go through with your affair in the first place? I mean I can understand having the marital unhappiness, and the urge to have sex with another man, but wasn't your soul telling you "Don't do it! That's adultery!" How did you block those thoughts out?

 

I have to say I'm certainly no theologian by I'm starting to perceive a little cognitive dissonance here. I always thought attainment of grace was evidenced by a demonstrable change in attitude, demeanor, and behavior. (Think Saul/Paul on the road to Damascus.)

 

 

 

Well, it's apparent he's a good and strong man -- he has integrity, is a great father, runs a large company and devotes quite a bit of time helping others. He won't leave and I'm pretty intent on salvaging our marriage. He just came home in fact and seems pretty happy to me.

O.K. now I'm getting another pretty big dose of cognitive dissonance. Your husband is not getting any sex from his wife, and hasn't had any since last June! How could he POSSIBLY be "happy"? Unless he's cheating himself--and you don't seem to suggest that--he hasn't had sex for at least 7 or 8 months! Honey, I really do sympathize with your situation--but your husband is NOT "happy"!

 

 

 

If by chance, your prediction does come true and he leaves -- we won't stop breathing or anything. Life goes on and we have to accept what it brings. We'd both be financially fine.

 

 

Exactly. Your marriage at least at this point with no sex happening or likely to happen, a total emotional disconnect between you and your h (evidenced by your description of him as "happy" not to have any sex) and no kids to worry about, is basically a financial arrangement. And, confirming the emotional disconnect, you don't really seemed concerned if he leaves you. This is consistent with your prior decision last June that you wanted to leave the marriage then, which was before your affair.

 

 

 

Could be. Could be all sorts of things. We've been communicating better and getting along more, so perhaps sex will occur soon. Perhaps not.

How could sex "occur" if neither you nor your husband want it to? Again you don't really seem to care if it never happens again with your husband. That's fine, but whatever your relationship is, it's not a "marriage" in any meaningful sense of the word. End it and live your life.

[Samantha0905]

Well as a Christian in a state of Grace, I'm curious as to how were you able to go through with your affair in the first place? I mean I can understand having the marital unhappiness, and the urge to have sex with another man, but wasn't your soul telling you "Don't do it! That's adultery!" How did you block those thoughts out?

 

I have to say I'm certainly no theologian by I'm starting to perceive a little cognitive dissonance here. I always thought attainment of grace was evidenced by a demonstrable change in attitude, demeanor, and behavior. (Think Saul/Paul on the road to Damascus.)

 

I was able because I had drifted way away from my personal relationship with God. I'm still not where I should be. I blocked the thoughts out just like anyone else would -- I felt like I was wrong, but the desire to do it was stronger than my will not to do it.

 

And yes, it is evidenced by a demonstrable change in attitude. That happened at 14. My walk has at times been very strong -- I regularly had devotionals, prayed for others, taught Sunday school -- both second graders and at another time, young marrieds. I taught a class called "Parenting by Grace." I've been on mission trips, etc.

 

Eventually, I obviously let that slip and started doing selfish things and letting my own desires supersede what I should do.

 

It's not as if everyone who becomes a Christian is always strong in their walk. It's getting repetitive for me to say it and I'm tired of discussing my faith -- not meaning it ugly -- I just don't know how else to explain Christians aren't perfect. We all fall away at times. Perhaps not Mother Theresa and the like.

 

I would love to be like St. Paul on the road to Damascus. My conversion experience was not quite so dramatic. I certainly don't think of myself in terms of people like Paul, John, etc. I'm certainly no theologian either.

 

 

O.K. now I'm getting another pretty big dose of cognitive dissonance. Your husband is not getting any sex from his wife, and hasn't had any since last June! How could he POSSIBLY be "happy"? Unless he's cheating himself--and you don't seem to suggest that--he hasn't had sex for at least 7 or 8 months! Honey, I really do sympathize with your situation--but your husband is NOT "happy"!

 

Well, he's happy I'm here. I'm happy to be here. We are working on spending more time together and communicating. I'm sure intimacy develops through actual communication and spending time together. I think when women receive this, they are more likely to desire sex. I have hope. Anyway, I don't think he's delirious about the fact we aren't having sex -- but I do think he's happy his family is intact. I'm not delirious to not be having great sex. But, I'm decently happy to have not thrown my marriage away.

 

 

 

Exactly. Your marriage at least at this point with no sex happening or likely to happen, a total emotional disconnect between you and your h (evidenced by your description of him as "happy" not to have any sex) and no kids to worry about, is basically a financial arrangement. And, confirming the emotional disconnect, you don't really seemed concerned if he leaves you. This is consistent with your prior decision last June that you wanted to leave the marriage then, which was before your affair.

 

No, I am concerned if he leaves me. Someone put out there that he may be having an affair and would leave me. If that were to happen, I would be devastated -- but it's not like I could stop him if he were bound and determined. I just meant that crap happens at times and we have to keep living.

 

 

 

How could sex "occur" if neither you nor your husband want it to? Again you don't really seem to care if it never happens again with your husband. That's fine, but whatever your relationship is, it's not a "marriage" in any meaningful sense of the word. End it and live your life.

 

I would love to suddenly have mad and passionate sexual feelings for my husband. I would love to have sex with him and enjoy it. It's just after this long, it doesn't seem like it's going to happen.

 

Ending it and living my life perhaps would be even a worse decision. My husband is a nice and loving man. We get along. Our adult children are happy. I see a lot worse out there.

 

We have a lot of nice things planned in the near future. We're going in a couple of weeks on a trip with our children and friends.

 

At the end of the month, I'm heading with my daughter to visit our son in a large northeastern city.

 

In the summer, my husband and I are traveling for two weeks to celebrate his 50th birthday.

 

We have a summer home we go to and golf together, spend time together, etc.

 

I'm not ready to throw in the towel. I have hope. I think maybe after some counseling, I will be able to discuss more with my husband.

 

 

Oh -- and as far as why I gave up my apartment, my lease was up and my husband was asking me to come back home. I could have extended the lease, but I didn't think it was a nice thing to keep him waiting and wondering. I felt like I should either move back to work on my marriage or just go ahead and file for divorce.

 

In all honesty, I wish I had never gotten in the relationship with my AP and that I could have actually used my apartment time to have my own space and think. On the other hand, I don't think I could look back and wipe that away if given the option either. Affairs are damn confusing. I guess I can honestly say he's someone I would date if I were single. I could see us having a relationship, but I could see it being troublesome also. Maybe that's what passionate relationships are like. In any event, that's not an option as far as I'm concerned anymore. I'm married. He's single.

 

 

Right now, I'm trying to work on things with my husband. It's not moving fast forward, but we've had some progress. It's not optimal at the moment, but it is my marriage and what I'm working to save.

[Samantha0905]

It's simple really, if you are incompatible sexually, then you are incompatible sexually, nothing to do about it.

 

I am more and more thinking that noone should get married until they have had a satisfying sex life together for two years. The first year the love is still new, so the reality of your future sex life will most likely not show. I know I for one was so passionate for my exSO the first year that I did not realize until later what a low sex drive he had.

 

The importance of sexual compatability is greatly underestimated in my opinon. After all sex is what makes the difference between a couple in a relationship and a couple of friends.

 

Yes, I agree -- sexual compatibility is very important. The nice thing about my affair partner was the ability to be able to have such great sex and to be able to feel so comfortable in his arms afterward. He was very skilled and caring in that department.

 

My husband has all the other great qualities women look for in men.

 

Too bad they can't be morphed.

[FryFish]

Too bad they can't be morphed.

Wow... you are kind of a horrible person.

Right now, I'm trying to work on things with my husband. It's not moving fast forward, but we've had some progress. It's not optimal at the moment, but it is my marriage and what I'm working to save.

If I recall correctly you havent told your husband about the affair... That being the case you havent made ANY progress. When he finds out, and he will, you will be lucky if he is even willing to look at you. Edited February 4, 2010 by FryFish

[Samantha0905]

Wow... you are kind of a horrible person.

If I recall correctly you havent told your husband about the affair... That being the case you havent made ANY progress. When he finds out, and he will, you will be lucky if he is even willing to look at you.

 

Well, I didn't mean it literally and it was said in ironic jest. Since I don't know you, I won't make an assessment as to what type of person you are. I have pretty nice friends and they like me.

 

I also won't pay much attention to your opinion of my progress. I'm amazed at how many people make such harsh judgments when they don't know someone personally. It's interesting. Maybe it's kind of a form of therapeutic release for those people also.

[silverfish]

Well, I didn't mean it literally and it was said in ironic jest. Since I don't know you, I won't make an assessment as to what type of person you are. I have pretty nice friends and they like me.

 

I also won't pay much attention to your opinion of my progress. I'm amazed at how many people make such harsh judgments when they don't know someone personally. It's interesting. Maybe it's kind of a form of therapeutic release for those people also.

 

I don't think you're a horrible person at all, despite the fact I dont agree with you not telling your H. I think you've been very candid and honest and I admire that. My situation is not that different to yours emotionally, except my H and I separated, and I then met someone 6 months after moving out....can't say that its made anything 'better' really. I still feel remorse and guilt about it, even though it was the right thing to do.

 

I still dont feel that my marriage is unfinished business in some ways because there are issues there that remain unresolved - even more so now that I know I can have a great sex life after wondering if I ever would. Now I wonder if it could have happened with my H if I had had the guts to do something about it much sooner.

 

We were together for 15 yrs though, and it was stirring up a hornets nest even trying to discuss it with him. If he ever wanted to give it another go though (which is extremely unlikely) I would make it a condition that we had MC with an element of sex therapy of some sort...have you thought about that with your H?

[LakesideDream]

Amazing. Either this will be the most carefree divorce in history.... or... You husband will be completely destroyed. IMO you are exhibiting a great deal of anti-social behavior.

 

It's usually men who exhibit this kind of behavior. I am curious to see how this turns out.:bunny::bunny:

[Samantha0905]

I don't think you're a horrible person at all, despite the fact I dont agree with you not telling your H. I think you've been very candid and honest and I admire that. My situation is not that different to yours emotionally, except my H and I separated, and I then met someone 6 months after moving out....can't say that its made anything 'better' really. I still feel remorse and guilt about it, even though it was the right thing to do.

 

I still dont feel that my marriage is unfinished business in some ways because there are issues there that remain unresolved - even more so now that I know I can have a great sex life after wondering if I ever would. Now I wonder if it could have happened with my H if I had had the guts to do something about it much sooner.

 

We were together for 15 yrs though, and it was stirring up a hornets nest even trying to discuss it with him. If he ever wanted to give it another go though (which is extremely unlikely) I would make it a condition that we had MC with an element of sex therapy of some sort...have you thought about that with your H?

 

I have thought about it and I appreciate your response. Your comment, "Now I wonder if it could have happened with my H if I had had the guts to do something about it much sooner." is partly in my mind why I came back. I just kept thinking my husband has all these wonderful qualities and I love him dearly. It would be a shame to throw away such a long term marriage, future grandparents-together-hood, etc. Why isn't this something that can be corrected? It's been frustrating for me. Perhaps in the end I will find the only way to sort things out is to tell him.

 

So, did you and the person you met not work out? I really cared for my AP and loved sex with him, but I always felt guilty and had this nagging suspicion we would never work long term anyway. It may have just been there because I knew we were both doing something wrong. I still miss him. I will be glad when that goes away.

 

Are you still living apart from your husband? I'm assuming so from what you said, but not sure.

 

I know I'm going to eventually have to break this massive non-communication thing me and my husband have going on as far as not having sex is concerned. The longer it goes on, the more bizarre it feels.

[Samantha0905]

Amazing. Either this will be the most carefree divorce in history.... or... You husband will be completely destroyed. IMO you are exhibiting a great deal of anti-social behavior.

 

It's usually men who exhibit this kind of behavior. I am curious to see how this turns out.:bunny::bunny:

 

We aren't getting divorced. Thanks. You're assuming no remorse also? Perhaps it's the way I type. You would be greatly mistaken.

[Woggle]

I am not trying to abuse anybody here or anything like that but I think a betrayed spouse owes it to themselves to be in a marriage where they can trust their spouse and where they are loved.

 

If my wife were to ever cheat on me the trust would be gone and that is one of the most important parts of a successful marriage. Also a woman that could cheat on her husband and not feel ay remorse does not love him. You do not betray somebody that you love in that manner so why should a man stay with a woman that does not love him? If the OP has any self respect he will divorce her. Being faithful should be a given if you love your spouse. She sounds like one of those women who is unhappy with her life and blames it all on her man and you just can't have a happy marriage with a woman like that.

[silverfish]

I have thought about it and I appreciate your response. Your comment, "Now I wonder if it could have happened with my H if I had had the guts to do something about it much sooner." is partly in my mind why I came back. I just kept thinking my husband has all these wonderful qualities and I love him dearly. It would be a shame to throw away such a long term marriage, future grandparents-together-hood, etc. Why isn't this something that can be corrected? It's been frustrating for me. Perhaps in the end I will find the only way to sort things out is to tell him.

 

So, did you and the person you met not work out? I really cared for my AP and loved sex with him, but I always felt guilty and had this nagging suspicion we would never work long term anyway. It may have just been there because I knew we were both doing something wrong. I still miss him. I will be glad when that goes away.

 

Are you still living apart from your husband? I'm assuming so from what you said, but not sure.

 

I know I'm going to eventually have to break this massive non-communication thing me and my husband have going on as far as not having sex is concerned. The longer it goes on, the more bizarre it feels.

 

I moved out almost 2 years ago with our children, and we are divorced now. We live near eachother and are friends, probably moreso than we ever were compared to the last year or two we were together. One of the main reasons for this was a death in the family that brought us together under duress, and gave us a chance to talk about things we hadn't been able to prior to our split.

 

I'm not with my BF right now...I still have felings for my ex, and it wasnt fair to him to try and make it work while I am so confused.I'm still not sure I made the right decision, as I dont trust my own judgment at all at the moment. I need to be single for a while now

 

My ex had a GF too, and they split about 4 months ago. We are now both single, but we havent discussed a reconciliation. Funny though he said to me yesterday 'I suppose if I want to see you on your own I'll have to ask you on a date or something', which was quite romantic for him,as we only see eachother regarding our children. It would be so easy to slot back in together again, but I cant have gone through so much in the last 2 years for nothing.

 

I have no idea how I would broach the subject of sex with him if it ever got to that point again, because I dont think any man is going to take it well really. He's going to know that I had a better sex life with my BF than I did with him however nicely I try and put it...he's not a stupid person.

[silverfish]

I am not trying to abuse anybody here or anything like that but I think a betrayed spouse owes it to themselves to be in a marriage where they can trust their spouse and where they are loved.

 

If my wife were to ever cheat on me the trust would be gone and that is one of the most important parts of a successful marriage. Also a woman that could cheat on her husband and not feel ay remorse does not love him. You do not betray somebody that you love in that manner so why should a man stay with a woman that does not love him? If the OP has any self respect he will divorce her. Being faithful should be a given if you love your spouse. She sounds like one of those women who is unhappy with her life and blames it all on her man and you just can't have a happy marriage with a woman like that.

 

So what would you do if your wife hypothetically said to you that she wasn't happy with your sex life to the point that she would consider divorcing you? Rather than go out and cheat with someone she was honest and told you the truth...this is the thing I think women are scared of doing it, because I honestly don't know if its worse to hear that from your wife / GF...

[Woggle]

So what would you do if your wife hypothetically said to you that she wasn't happy with your sex life to the point that she would consider divorcing you? Rather than go out and cheat with someone she was honest and told you the truth...this is the thing I think women are scared of doing it, because I honestly don't know if its worse to hear that from your wife / GF...

 

If she is not happy she can divorce me and there is the door because no matter what I do she will not be happy. I know from experience and observation that trying to please a perpetually unhappy woman is an exercise in futility. I will never try and keep a woman in a marriage she is not happy in but if she closes that door I will not open it again. I am not saying she can't bring up issues but if I do everything I can to please her and she is still miserable I will just come to the conclusion that making her happy is mission impossible.

[silverfish]

If she is not happy she can divorce me and there is the door because no matter what I do she will not be happy. I know from experience and observation that trying to please a perpetually unhappy woman is an exercise in futility. I will never try and keep a woman in a marriage she is not happy in but if she closes that door I will not open it again. I am not saying she can't bring up issues but if I do everything I can to please her and she is still miserable I will just come to the conclusion that making her happy is mission impossible.

 

What I mean is how would you react as a man to that specific problem if it, ahem, came up. If she couldn't communicate her problems with your sex life to you. Thats the thing, if you can't even talk about it with your H, how is there any possibility of doing something about it. I think the talking about it is actually the most difficult part, because the 'technical' stuff can be worked on if you go about it the right way. Also you can't just say, 'our sex life is boring', you really have to be quite specific as to why its not good, without blaming the other person. I'm not sure that a lot of people (male and female) can do that, it seems an impossible situation

[silverfish]

what all you trying to say...OP should have left his job to keep up the romance with his wife....he should have filed bankruptcy to keep his wife satisfied sexually....

 

OP, this is how your future is going to be....

 

you can survive with out love ,with out W/GF

 

 

but not without money or career....live life king size....second chance(waste of time,money,energy)

 

Yes you can survive without it but to impose that on someone else when they continually point out to you that it makes them unhappy is the height of arrogance.

 

I think actually filing for bankruptcy and taking a more low key job (both of them) along with MC might have worked if she hadnt cheated on him. Bankruptcy doesnt mean you're not going to be sucessful again in the future

[Samantha0905]

I moved out almost 2 years ago with our children, and we are divorced now. We live near eachother and are friends, probably moreso than we ever were compared to the last year or two we were together. One of the main reasons for this was a death in the family that brought us together under duress, and gave us a chance to talk about things we hadn't been able to prior to our split.

 

I'm not with my BF right now...I still have felings for my ex, and it wasnt fair to him to try and make it work while I am so confused.I'm still not sure I made the right decision, as I dont trust my own judgment at all at the moment. I need to be single for a while now

 

My ex had a GF too, and they split about 4 months ago. We are now both single, but we havent discussed a reconciliation. Funny though he said to me yesterday 'I suppose if I want to see you on your own I'll have to ask you on a date or something', which was quite romantic for him,as we only see eachother regarding our children. It would be so easy to slot back in together again, but I cant have gone through so much in the last 2 years for nothing.

 

I have no idea how I would broach the subject of sex with him if it ever got to that point again, because I dont think any man is going to take it well really. He's going to know that I had a better sex life with my BF than I did with him however nicely I try and put it...he's not a stupid person.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, I do think it would be easy for you to slot back into it also -- especially since the two of you have children. It is a difficult subject to broach with a man. Once it's said, it seems it would make him paranoid somewhat and/or insecure. I've sometimes wondered if there's just something strange going on psychologically inside of me. (That's really opening myself up for pot shots. ) Maybe I've told myself so much I'm not sexually attracted, the chance of becoming so is even less? Other times, I just feel it's something like jennie-jennie pointed out -- a lack of sexual compatibility. It doesn't help I met him so young. It probably would have been better if I met him as a man and we hadn't started with a foundation of being so young. I always felt my AP treated me like a woman and he seemed more sexy. In actuality, however, rationally thinking it out -- my husband has more sexy traits (I would think) to an outsider looking in. I've listed them already -- but mature, responsible, has integrity, successful, treats me beyond well, nice looking, faithful, etc.

 

The more I type, the more I think I need IC. Have you had any counseling? If so, did it help?

 

And to the OP -- a second chance is not a waste of time, money and energy. If your wife agrees to counseling, is remorseful and works on the marriage in partnership with you and you are able to forgive her -- it would be worth your time, money and energy.

 

I know a lot of people point out the "forsaking all others" part of the marriage vows -- and it is a very important part -- but, “For better or for worse” may include infidelity, broken promises, debt and mental and physical health issues. It's certainly not required of a BS, but it's possible that even those troubles may be worked through in a marriage.

[Woggle]

You would think with women's increased independence and most women out in the workforce they would understand the need to earn a living but this is not the case many times.

[Woggle]

The for better or worse part to means you don't outside forces tear you aprt. If a couple hits financial hard times they pull together instead of going at each other but even in the old days infidelity was considered a legitimate cause of divorce. If your spouse cares so little about you that they would betray you then you don't have a real marriage.

[Samantha0905]

The for better or worse part to means you don't outside forces tear you aprt. If a couple hits financial hard times they pull together instead of going at each other but even in the old days infidelity was considered a legitimate cause of divorce. If your spouse cares so little about you that they would betray you then you don't have a real marriage.

 

I'm just saying some people can move beyond an affair. It is a disastrous choice on the part of the CS, but it doesn't necessarily mean they do not love their spouse. I do know infidelity is considered a legitimate cause for divorce -- even today. Some couples are able to work through it and good for them if they are able. I'm not saying anything against a BS's choice to not work through it.

[Disintegration]

The for better or worse part to means you don't outside forces tear you aprt. If a couple hits financial hard times they pull together instead of going at each other but even in the old days infidelity was considered a legitimate cause of divorce. If your spouse cares so little about you that they would betray you then you don't have a real marriage.

 

I would second that.

[confusedinkansas]

Quite frankly I am apalled by the both of you and will make a note to never ever again read your posts or respond to them.

 

To cheat on your spouse and glorify in it and not feel remorse or to rob them of a true right to make a decision if cheated on is rooted in selfishness and immorality.It also speaks volumes of your character and respect toward men. JMO

 

 

Who's glorifying in it!?

We're just making a point. On the other side of the coin (so to speak)

Unlike Samantha - My husband knows about my affair. BUT, if he didn't, I would not tell him. For me, at this point in the game of life it would be pointless.

As for respecting men. I respect my husband. Just because we've had a really crappy several years - does not mean there is disrespect.

Thank goodness we bounced back!

[Samantha0905]

Who's glorifying in it!?

We're just making a point. On the other side of the coin (so to speak)

Unlike Samantha - My husband knows about my affair. BUT, if he didn't, I would not tell him. For me, at this point in the game of life it would be pointless.

As for respecting men. I respect my husband. Just because we've had a really crappy several years - does not mean there is disrespect.

Thank goodness we bounced back!

 

I chose not to respond to that post, because it's certainly SS's right to banish us from her internet life. Seeing as we in no way were disrespectful to her, I don't understand why someone feels like "It's my way or the highway." There are plenty of people I don't agree with on the internet, but unless they are just down right rude and verbally abusive, I can read and consider their opinions.

 

I can think of one person, as an example, who posts here. She has long term affairs with married men and seems okay with it -- with no expectation of them being together as a couple. Sometimes when I read what she posts, I think "Whoa! That's an interesting perspective -- I'm not sure I agree." But I do enjoy her posts and she knows who she is and candidly states her perspective.

 

Someone on here compared me to an antisocial personality recently.

 

I looked up the symptoms. I'm a psychology major and have done graduate work in counseling -- but I revisited them:

 

Persistent lying or stealing I have lied in my lifetime, but not persistently. I realize some people think once you have an affair you are a permanent liar until you confess. I don't agree. I did swipe a Reese's cup in fourth grade, but my mother made me return it and the store manager forgave me. I suppose I could still hang on to that for the rest of my life and call myself a thief, but I think not.

Superficial charm[4][5] I mean it when I'm nice to people.

Apparent lack of remorse[4] or empathy; inability to care about hurting others I have a big overdose of empathy and mercy. I certainly feel very remorseful about my affair. I also miss my affair partner. I suppose people would say both aren't possible. I think they are.

Inability to keep jobs or stay in school[4]Absolutely not. I'm a great employee and I love school and am a good student.

Impulsivity and/or recklessness[4]Not often at all.

Lack of realistic, long-term goals — an inability or persistent failure to develop and execute long-term plans and goals I've been in a relationship 33 years. One year was bad. I definitely think I have perseverance.

Inability to make or keep friends, or maintain relationships such as marriage I have several very long term friends and married 27 years

Poor behavioral controls — expressions of irritability, annoyance, impatience, threats, aggression, and verbal abuse; inadequate control of anger and temperNope. I'm slow to anger.

Narcissism, elevated self-appraisal or a sense of extreme entitlementNope. Although I'm not totally insecure like I was when I was younger. I do have self-confidence. I also have insecurities. Apparently, however, someone pointed out I use the word "I" too much.

A persistent agitated or depressed feeling (dysphoria)Not agitated. I'm usually upbeat, although I have had my share of depression in the last year or so.

A history of childhood conduct disorderNever expelled, suspended or anything like that. I didn't cut class. My parents seemed to think I was good egg. I was well loved.

Recurring difficulties with the lawLOL -- well, two speeding tickets in my life time. That's about it.

Tendency to violate the boundaries and rights of othersNope.

Substance abuseI like wine occasionally.

Aggressive, often violent behavior; prone to getting involved in fightsNope.

Inability to tolerate boredomI do get antsy.

Disregard for the safety of self or othersNot at all.

Persistent attitude of irresponsibility and disregard for social rules, obligations, and normsNo. One affair does not persistent make.

Difficulties with authority figures [6]No.

 

So -- you see -- people can get extreme in their judgments. Que sera sera.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Samantha0905

[zwieback.toast]

Samantha, I certainly don't think you're "anti-social."

 

On the other hand, I don't see any real empathy towards your husband reflected in your posts, at least not in this thread.

 

About the only thing you've posted which indicates you might have some form of empathy towards him is when you stated that you didn't tell him about your affair because he had told you in the past he wouldn't want to know, and you don't want to hurt him.

 

The reason that that one thing is not a persuasive example of empathetic feeling or behavior, is because it actually sounds more like a technicality or loophole that you're using to justify not telling him the truth.

 

Clearly, the context of whatever past discussion you might have had with your husband about not telling each about an affair if it happened, was that he didn't want you to have an affair in the first place. That was the primary issue, wasn't it? The part about not having the affair in the first place, I mean.

 

So, your justification for not telling him is simply a rationalization. If you were actually concerned about not doing something that your husband didn't want you to do, or which would make your husband unhappy, you wouldn't have had the affair in the first place.

 

The obvious reason you don't want to tell him about the affair is because, at least for right now, you don't want to take the risk that he will divorce you. Although last June you had essentially left the marriage (which is why I think you gave yourself "permission" to have the affair, albeit you were not technically divorced yet), and I'm sure your h didn't want you to do that either. So "obedience to your husband's wishes" or "concern for how he would feel" as the rationalization for not telling him, just won't fly.

 

Another reason I suspect you don't want to divulge the affair is that it will quite obviously make you the "at fault" party if a divorce does occur. By concealing it from your h, concealing it from your children, and concealing it from everyone else, if and when you do split up finally, you can convey the impression that it was your h's "fault." He was not "making you happy." By not disclosing, you can try to maintain your image in the community and with your family as a devout, upright woman.

 

When you separated from your h last June, what did you tell your family (or your husband for that matter) as to why you did that? You had already started some kind of at least emotional relationship with your affair partner, although not yet sexual relations. If everyone knew about the affair partner and your affair, the assumption would be that you separated so you could have "space" to conduct your sexual affair. (They might also assume you've done it before as well.) If you don't tell anyone, however, the assumption will be that your husband in some mysterious way, failed to make you happy. (Or possibly abused you in some way.)

 

Now I think I posted it previously, but the surest indication that you are lacking in empathy towards your husband, is that you described him as "happy" although you were on the verge of ending the marriage last June; moved out of the home; and after your return, have not resumed having sex with him. Describing a man as "happy" under those circumstances is not only a sign of a lack of any empathy towards him; it's also a sign that at least in this regard, you're rather clueless about typical human behavior. Not only do you obviously have an inability to actually feel your husband's unhappiness, a literal "lack of empathy"; you don't even seem to realize that any man (or woman) in your husband's current situation could not possibly be accurately described as "happy."

 

No matter if he smiles at you and keeps a stiff upper lip, he must be suffering terribly, even without knowing about your affair.

 

Surely you realize that your husband must at least suspect that you were with a lover when you separated from him? Why else would a woman move out to her own apartment? Does your husband have any male friends, esp. any friends who were involved in infidelity either as victims or as perpetrators? I would have to speculate, "yes." Do you think during the several months of separation, your husband never asked his friends, his family, "Why did she do this?" (Perhaps your husband even visited a "relationship" board on the internet like this one, and educated himself!) I would guarantee that the first thing any of his male friends would have told him would be to suspect you of having a "boyfriend."

 

What about your adult children? Do you actually believe no one suspects?

 

...And then of course, you have said you first met your affair partner hanging out listening to bands, drinking beer, etc. (if I remember correctly) and it grew from there.

 

Do you think no one saw you?

 

It seems like you are at some point going to hit a huge "reality check" and you will be very surprised by it. You have mentioned getting some counseling and I do think that would be a good idea because I do not believe your reality-testing mechanism is very good, based on what you have posted here.