Wife not remorseful about affair...

[seibert253]

To me, and I have been where his W is. This is really bad advice. Unless of course he does not want her back ever.

 

If she doesn't love him and doesn't want to work on her marriage, it's better she goes by by.

 

She should be kizzing his azz, not vice versa.

[seibert253]

Maybe she does not believe that you love her, maybe she still loves this guy. Maybe she thinks you are just trying now because you are scared of losing and as soon as she comes back to you, you will change back. She maybe trying to come to terms with how this happened to her and angry at you for not showing enough love before. Also depends on her age too. I would guess she would not be remorseful either if she had been deprived of love for so long.

 

Nice, blame the husband for the W's A.

[delirious]

Nice, blame the husband for the W's A.

It is not a question of blame but of understanding. It is not just a case of finding fault but of fixing it and knowing at what point it went wrong and going back there.

[seibert253]

It is not a question of blame but of understanding. It is not just a case of finding fault but of fixing it and knowing at what point it went wrong and going back there.

 

IMO and the shared O's of many here, there are no "understandings" or justifactions for infidelity.

 

Yes we understand there exists reasons why it occurs, but it all boils down to choice. The cheating person CHOSE this path. The betrayed one did not.

 

Most of the BS's here understand our faults. None of us are perfect, though it appears some think they are.

 

I've said it before, and most agree, each of us are 50% at fault for the problems in our M's, but the WS is 100% at fault for their A. They chose that path, we did not.

[confusedinkansas]

Here's an idea on why she may not be remorseful about the affair.

 

She justifys it in her head. Whatever you have done to he in the past - it's her way of "getting back."

I totally would understand that - No, I did not say it was right or wrong. But I understand if that's how her line of thought is going.

 

It's the "reason" I had my affair - How my husband was behaving, things he did & said. Perhaps it's the same scenario with your wife.

My affair has been over for several years now - I don't regret a minute of it (never want to see the guy again) & I really am not very remorseful about it either. AND....My husband understands that. Doesn't make him a pansey or less of a man. He just gets it. He & I (Just like You & Your Wife) are the only ones who know the entire story of what lead up to the affair, what was going on in your home, behind closed doors. No one else knows.

 

Could you "Get It" if that were the reason she did what she did FOR HERSELF....Not TO you?....Just curious & tossing out an idea

 

P.S. Yes, my marriage is fine now. We're GREAT actually!! :-)

[delirious]

The point it went wrong was when the wrong penis entered the wife's vagina.

 

I'm sure her affair partner would love to go "back there."

 

In fact he might have already been "back there" as well "in front."

 

Obviously that is where your head is!! Not much help.

[confusedinkansas]

"

Sorry babe, but you mean that makes him a pansy in YOUR mind!

 

No sir, that is not what was implied at all....I tossed that in there because MANY here (me included) have been told that their spouses are less of a man for keeping & staying with a wife that cheated. I just wanted to point out - that he is NEITHER of those things. - Personally, I'd think it would take a stronger person to stay & a weaker one to leave......Just my opinion. My husband is solid as a rock!

[Passion4Life]

No sir, that is not what was implied at all....I tossed that in there because MANY here (me included) have been told that their spouses are less of a man for keeping & staying with a wife that cheated. I just wanted to point out - that he is NEITHER of those things. - Personally, I'd think it would take a stronger person to stay & a weaker one to leave......Just my opinion. My husband is solid as a rock!

 

i think its not about staying with a wife that cheated its rather staying with a wife that cheated , has no remorse & therefore will certainly do it again .

I dont know if OP can be that much solid as a rock.

[Samantha0905]

Angry much? What she worked out with her husband is between she and her husband and God if He's a part of their lives. I think it's nice when people are able to reconcile and be happy after such a devastating choice. Good for them.

[Samantha0905]

 

Why is it that most of the time, the men who cheat just seem to be guys who want some p*ssy on the side; whereas, the women who cheat seem to be completely batsh*t insane?

 

Perhaps it's something to do with misogyny in your case? Just a guess.

[Samantha0905]

Butternutter, I don't know her situation -- only she and her husband know. Perhaps she means the discovered cheating ended up being a wake up call to repair their relationship. I believe someone can forgive a person for cheating and a relationship can be repaired after years of neglect. I do think cheating in and of itself is a devastating choice in a marriage. Perhaps her husband has forgiven her and they are moving forward.

[Samantha0905]

No sir, that is not what was implied at all....I tossed that in there because MANY here (me included) have been told that their spouses are less of a man for keeping & staying with a wife that cheated. I just wanted to point out - that he is NEITHER of those things. - Personally, I'd think it would take a stronger person to stay & a weaker one to leave......Just my opinion. My husband is solid as a rock!

 

I think it does take a very strong person to stay and work on the relationship. I don't agree with the weaker comment. It's a choice the BS has a right to make if they discover their spouse has cheated on them -- and rightfully so. We are all effected differently by grief and perhaps some just don't feel the amount of love needed to make a marriage work after infidelity occurs. Everyone's situation is unique.

[Dexter Morgan]

My wife of 10 years has just had a sexual relationship with another man that started as "just friends". She told me that I have not been meeting her emotional needs for 8 of the 10 years we have been married and that I drove her to this decision in her life. Since the discovery of the affair I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her.

I am in the worst place a married man can be right now. I love my wife dearly. I want nothing more than to show her this.

However........

She is not remorseful whatsoever about the relationship and sex she had with the other man. She has agreed to stop seeing him (can't be sure that she has). She says that "it just happened" and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years.

I dont know what to do....

I want so much to show her that I can be the man that she wants me to be but the images of her sleeping with another man keep popping into my head and prevent me from feeling emotion towards her.

What do I do??????????

Thanks

 

what do you do? pack this gaslighting "woman's" bags for her and tell her she can be unremorseful someplace else.

[Samantha0905]

 

 

 

So it would seem dear Samantha you yourself are a remorseless, lying cheater. Now that's just the objective truth by your own words, as quoted above, I haven't even read through any of your other posts to see what other horrors you've perpetrated on your H, your M, and by implication your children, if any. So merely pointing out your bad behavior won't change your attitude, however, the purpose of doing this is to point out to the OP to beware of some of the "advice" received on these threads, again, OP must "consider the source."

 

There's is a great difference between drinking from a cold clear glacial mountain stream as opposed to the runoff from a sewage treatment plant Samantha dear. You quench your thirst as you please, as will I.

 

Thanks for your input. Luckily, I'm saved by Grace through Faith and your judgment does not effect me.

 

How would you begin to know if someone else is not remorseless? That's quite an assumption on your part. And as far as unwarranted, the blanket statement about men and women pretty much warranted a reply.

 

I'm still very much in agreement with my post you quoted. Thanks. It helped me to read it again.

 

And again, I'm glad to read confusedinkansas has a happier marital relationship now. I would hope that any married couple.

 

End of TJ.

[Samantha0905]

*sigh* Just saw this post:

 

Look, you can do whatever you want in your own life, and so can confused. You can trash your own integrity, your own spouse, and your own marriage just for the thrill of a little dick on the side.

 

It wasn't little and thanks for your permission.

 

But DON'T COME ON THE INTERNET and tell OTHER PEOPLE that they should accept this behavior in their own spouse, then when called out on it, accuse someone else of being a "misogynist."

 

I didn't say he should. I think there should be remorse and the affair needs to end.

 

Don't call women names like "slut" and make blanket statements like: "Why is it that most of the time, the men who cheat just seem to be guys who want some p*ssy on the side; whereas, the women who cheat seem to be completely batsh*t insane?" if you are not a misogynist. Grow up. There's a difference between constructive criticism and verbal abuse.

 

I don't "hate women." I hate women who are cheaters. And men who are cheaters, for that matter.

 

Hate the act, not the person. Especially if you don't even know the person or the entirety of the situation.

 

So tell me, what does that make me?

 

I'll tell you what it makes me: Moral. Ethical. Sane.

 

In your opinion. And judging from the venom in your posts, I'd say "sane" may be questionable.

[Woggle]

Then you should not be remorseful about leaving her ass and playing hardball in divorce. Any man that stays with a woman who cheats and has no remorse needs to grow a pair of balls. If she feels no remorse about hurting the man she vowed to love then she does not love you. If what you did was so horrible that it warranted cheating then she should have left first.

[Samantha0905]

"Input"? Poor choice of words, don't you think?

 

Yes of course not, you're in a psychological state of severe denial.

 

This, combined with the assumption of religiosity, is an ego-defense mechanism which allows you to think of yourself and/or present a false persona of yourself to others as a "good person" despite having engaged in conduct which you know to be morally, ethically, and emotionally reprehensible--the betrayal not only of your spouse, but also of your own supposedly deeply-held personal values.

 

In other words, you think of yourself as a "good" person. But your behaviors were (and are, if you continue to conceal from your H) "bad" behaviors. This causes internal stress and conflict. The conscious ego must find a defense mechanism or else the ego disintegrates, i.e. a nervous breakdown. You were very close to a nervous breakdown at around the time of your first post, judging by the contents and tone of that post, when you were being dumped by your affair partner. I don't know your history since then or whether you've been through any kind of therapy or not, but you most likely are in great need of it. Your internal conflict will build and build until at some point it reaches the breaking point unless you act to confront your infidelity issues in an honest way to reconcile your internal ego conflict. (This applies unless you are a true sociopath without a conscience, in which case you are just lying to get away with it, not in denial as an ego defense mechanism.)

 

Confrontation of your infidelity issues requires honesty, remorse, and making amends. This would include disclosing all to your H if you have not already done so and accepting the consequences for your behavior, however painful. Otherwise the life you lead will continue to be an inauthentic lie. You may be able to go on for quite a while in the "denial" mode but ultimately, probably in a time of great personal stress, the break down will come.

 

 

Well confused in kansas admitted she had little or no remorse for her affair. That's how I would know. She said so. So it wasn't an assumption on my part. As for you, your very first post said you knew you were being "selfish" by concealing your affair from your Husband. That's correct, your actions were selfish indeed. But selfish behavior is not indicative of having remorse, hence, it is remorseless.

 

But you tell me: what have you done to be honest with and make amends to your husband for having an affair? Perhaps you've addressed that in another thread in which case just feel free to cut 'n' paste the info.

 

You imply that you have made amends to God and believe you have been "saved" and even assuming that to be a sincerely held belief on your part rather than just a diversion, (which I highly doubt), what of it? You are not relieved of your obligation to your husband or your marriage simply because you can find a pastor somewhere who is willing to accept your confession. The stereotypical example of the "religious hypocrite" is the person who fornicates on Saturday night and then goes to confession on Sunday morning to erase those sins.

 

It is bad enough that you cheat on your husband and on your marriage but then you compound that by being a religious hypocrite as well, claiming that Faith and Grace have saved you. If you truly had a religious experience in reaction to your cheating behavior, if you truly had achieved religious Faith and Grace, you would not have fear of disclosure of the truth of what you did. Because God would be by your side protecting you and giving you courage. Faith and Grace, if you really had achieved it, is exactly what would allow you to go to your husband, and for that matter to the rest of your entire family, honestly confess what you did, truly try to make amends, but yet peacefully accept whatever consequences resulted from your admission. I.e. you would put the outcome in God's hands. Peter denied Jesus three times despite his protestations of religious grace.

 

If you are truly in a state of grace, then the truth and disclosure of it should hold no fear for you.

 

Again maybe you have truly achieved Faith and Grace and therefore confessed the truth to your husband and family, if so, please cut n paste the post where you talked about this.

 

A "misogynist" hates women, not men and women. So if you believe I hate men and women--which is ridiculous, since nothing I've posted could be construed that way--then "misogynist" was the wrong word to use.

 

 

Yes, cheaters often identify with one another.

 

LOL about input -- and wow. I was not dumped -- we discussed it and I was somewhat relieved when he suggested we end it. I had suggested it several times also. It finally took for both of us. I'm glad it ended with no hard feelings.

 

I did not have to confess to a pastor. I don't go to confession. My relationship with God is directly with God. I've been a Christian since I was 14 and certainly don't need you to accept the fact. If we were all flawless, we wouldn't have needed a Savior now would we?

 

I won't tell my husband about the affair. It's a decision I have come to and am at peace with it. If that changes, well -- I'll discuss it with my husband. I've asked for forgiveness and have received it. Does this mean I've forgotten what I've done? No. Of course I feel remorse. Does it mean I'm dismissing the problems that were in the marriage anyway? No. We've discussed and are working on the problems in our relationship. I realize some think total confession to the spouse is the only way. I disagree. That is your interpretation of what is absolutely needed. The actual problems in the marriage are what need to be addressed.

 

In my posts I have expressed not wanting to tell my husband because it will hurt him greatly and because I do not want his love for me to change. I like the love we share. You may think this is entirely selfish. I do not. Is there some selfishness in it? Sure. We are all selfish in some way.

 

After having an affair, and upon realization one has made a grave mistake -- there are many feelings that follow. Some opinions about things may change as one goes along and sorts through their feelings. I'm sure if I went back through my posts I would see some things I still agree with and some things I may feel a little bit differently about now. I don't plan on doing that, but you have at it.

 

I never understand why someone thinks consequences are only suffered when one tells their spouse of an infidelity. I think, in some cases, it may work out best for the couple to tell -- and sometimes not. Every relationship is unique. I don't agree with people who assert their way is the only "right" way. Perhaps they are just angry/vengeful because they don't see visible consequences THEY want to see.

 

And -- for what it's worth -- and I've said this before -- my husband and I, during our 33 year relationship, have discussed the fact we would really rather not know if one or the other has an affair and makes the decision they've made a grave mistake, learned from it, and wants to continue with the marriage. I know without a doubt I would not want to know. Again, this is a personal decision. Some feel differently.

 

That's my last post about me in this thread. You did much better that time posting civilly.

[Snowflower]

Samantha, I'm sad that you are getting such a bashing here.

 

I've always found you to be a compassionate poster.

 

There's always the ignore button or alert the mods if you decide that you've had enough.

 

Take care!

[Samantha0905]

Samantha, I'm sad that you are getting such a bashing here.

 

I've always found you to be a compassionate poster.

 

There's always the ignore button or alert the mods if you decide that you've had enough.

 

Take care!

 

Oh -- thanks Snowflower. It's okay. I think it may be anger. Who knows? It's not hurting my feelings. It's just rather interesting -- but I'm not sure that's the right word.

 

Anyway, thank you. *hug* And thanks for the reminder about the ignore button. Don't be sad. I'm in a good place. I hope life is treating you well.

[Samantha0905]

My wife of 10 years has just had a sexual relationship with another man that started as "just friends". She told me that I have not been meeting her emotional needs for 8 of the 10 years we have been married and that I drove her to this decision in her life. Since the discovery of the affair I have repetedly taken responsibility for my lack of meeting her needs and have vowed to do all I possibly can with self searching, reading and counceling to show my love for her.

I am in the worst place a married man can be right now. I love my wife dearly. I want nothing more than to show her this.

However........

She is not remorseful whatsoever about the relationship and sex she had with the other man. She has agreed to stop seeing him (can't be sure that she has). She says that "it just happened" and that she cannot beleive that my focus is on the how much it hurts me that she slept with another man and not on how I mistreated her emotionally for the past years.

I dont know what to do....

I want so much to show her that I can be the man that she wants me to be but the images of her sleeping with another man keep popping into my head and prevent me from feeling emotion towards her.

What do I do??????????

Thanks

 

Just bumping this to get the thread back on track......

[Snowflower]

Oh -- thanks Snowflower. It's okay. I think it may be anger. Who knows? It's not hurting my feelings. It's just rather interesting -- but I'm not sure that's the right word.

 

Anyway, thank you. *hug* And thanks for the reminder about the ignore button. Don't be sad. I'm in a good place. I hope life is treating you well.

 

Perhaps 'sad' wasn't the right word for me to use. Disappointed, maybe?

 

I love a good debate but when it turns to personal insults it is something else instead. I think we all use this place as a medium for sorting out our own feelings but it has been taken just a little too far.

[Samantha0905]

To the OP:

 

I'm sorry your wife is not remorseful about the affair. If the marriage is something you want to and feel like can be saved -- marriage counseling may help. I think she is going to have to be truly remorseful for cheating on you and desire to make the marriage work.

 

It will take work on both of your parts, but I don't know how it will ever work if she does not accept responsibility for her damage to the marriage.

 

In order for marriage counseling to work, both parties have to be willing.

[Samantha0905]

Perhaps 'sad' wasn't the right word for me to use. Disappointed, maybe?

 

I love a good debate but when it turns to personal insults it is something else instead. I think we all use this place as a medium for sorting out our own feelings but it has been taken just a little too far.

 

Yes. I agree. Name calling and hostility are not really helpful.

 

This site has been very helpful to me in sorting all the feelings out. It's given me a much greater understanding of how OW/OM and BS's feel. It has also helped me to understand more about WS's. It certainly has given me pause and made me really examine what led me to do what I did and make such a poor choice. I'm grateful to have found the site.

[Chingaling]

Why is Butternut so vicious? Who has the time to dissect someone's old posts?

 

Personally, I think that anyone who strays from their marriage likely does so because there was something missing in the first place. I highly doubt that anyone who is truly happy in their marriage actually goes looking for an affair.

 

As for not telling a non-suspecting spouse about an affair, I believe that under certain circumstances it is better to withhold that information if the spouse will be devastated or if there are children involved. Why crush someone's soul by disclosing an affair for the sake of trying to create intimacy within the marriage - that makes no sense. Now you have two unhappy people.

 

As for a WS appearing "unrepenant" that may be a bullying technique to control the BS... behaviour that is not restricted to men or women - both sexes do it, depending upon their individual personalities.

 

Just my opinion...

[Chingaling]

Butternut...

Joined Jan 27

 

Today is Feb 2

 

240 posts!

 

Needs to go back on his meds.