pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 BEJ~ I'm okay, I guess. Very anxious yet very tired, but I am getting past the feeling that my phone should ring or that I should get a text. I am not "expecting" it anymore. I was finally able to tell myself today that "he knows what he lost" and I have no doubt he is suffering for it. He is being very strong and had avoided everything I sent him up til a couple of days ago when I finally got some sense and stopped contacting him Hemay be miserable, he may not... but I can't let that be my worry anymore. He will probably pop up again when I least expect it, and I will be ready for it when he does. I won't be rude, but I will tell him in no uncertain terms that I will not be treated that way again and that he needs to go back to his M that he so despreately wanted to save, even hours after moving out and running to me, promising a life with him. I think he loves me but not enough to move heaven and earth to be with me, and that's just not enough for me anymore. I deserve better. I did nothing but love him, be faithful to him (faithful to a MM!), and patient. He doesn't deserve the grace I extended to him time and time again... I am going to work on ME now. Getting out more, enjoying my daughters, getting through this divorce, which is not pretty right now. I have changed ICs and am in more intensive therapy now. I look forward to the challenge. All this being said, I am still heartbroken and hurting inside. I miss his face and his voice every single minute of my day. He is very broken, too, and I find myself wanting to wrap my arms around him and help him through it, but that's not my job. He chose his W for that, so she can HAVE HIM. She has her work cut out for her, I know that much! I will have better and worse days, and I am exhausted today, but I will get past this. My life does not depend on this man any longer. If he does come back around, he might just find he made an even bigger mistake than he thought, because by then I will be a stronger, more confident woman with a lot more to offer someone who is willing to stand up for me... Still crying today, though I went through this when my one of my ex's and me split (one of the first times as we split many times), I can tell you for a fact that you will be stronger after this. When you get a chance try to look into the issues of why you are feeling as bad as you do....such as past rejection issues and so on. It feels like you are dying, it is horrible, I am glad you can even type....one time I laid in bed for 7 days straight and smoked 4 packs of ciggs each day....took a whole lot of pills to try to make some of the pain not so evident (quite don't know how to word that)...I have quit smoking since.....I felt like sh*t.... For me to sit here and tell you you will be better, helps little right now...but it will be better...it will go back and forth for awhile...good days and bad....good hours, bad hours...good minutes and bad minutes.... I just thought of a song that really helped me....Unwritten, by (I think) Natashia Beddingfeild...that one is for you... Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Man I really broke the spellling rules with NB ...sorry...anyway this ones for you!~ Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten I am unwritten, Can't read my mind I'm undefined I'm just beginning The pen's in my hand Ending unplanned Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten, yeah Oh, oh I break tradition Sometimes my tries Are outside the lines, oh yeah yeah We've been conditioned To not make mistakes But I can't live that way oh, oh Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips drench yourself in words unspoken live your life with arms wide open Today is where your book begins the rest still unwritten (Gospel) Staring at the blank page before you Open up the dirty window Let the sun illuminate the words That you could not find Reaching for something in the distance So close you can almost taste it Release your inhibitions Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open ***** Today is where your book begins Feel the rain on your skin No one else can feel it for you Only you can let it in No one else, no one else Can speak the words on your lips Drench yourself in words unspoken Live your life with arms wide open ***** Today is where your book begins The rest is still unwritten The rest is still unwritten Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 BEJ~ I'm okay, I guess. Very anxious yet very tired, but I am getting past the feeling that my phone should ring or that I should get a text. I am not "expecting" it anymore. I was finally able to tell myself today that "he knows what he lost" and I have no doubt he is suffering for it. He is being very strong and had avoided everything I sent him up til a couple of days ago when I finally got some sense and stopped contacting him Hemay be miserable, he may not... but I can't let that be my worry anymore. He will probably pop up again when I least expect it, and I will be ready for it when he does. I won't be rude, but I will tell him in no uncertain terms that I will not be treated that way again and that he needs to go back to his M that he so despreately wanted to save, even hours after moving out and running to me, promising a life with him. I think he loves me but not enough to move heaven and earth to be with me, and that's just not enough for me anymore. I deserve better. I did nothing but love him, be faithful to him (faithful to a MM!), and patient. He doesn't deserve the grace I extended to him time and time again... I am going to work on ME now. Getting out more, enjoying my daughters, getting through this divorce, which is not pretty right now. I have changed ICs and am in more intensive therapy now. I look forward to the challenge. All this being said, I am still heartbroken and hurting inside. I miss his face and his voice every single minute of my day. He is very broken, too, and I find myself wanting to wrap my arms around him and help him through it, but that's not my job. He chose his W for that, so she can HAVE HIM. She has her work cut out for her, I know that much! I will have better and worse days, and I am exhausted today, but I will get past this. My life does not depend on this man any longer. If he does come back around, he might just find he made an even bigger mistake than he thought, because by then I will be a stronger, more confident woman with a lot more to offer someone who is willing to stand up for me... Still crying today, though Re-read the bolded parts -- hell, cut it out and paste it on every surface in your home. Remember it. Say it. Say it out loud right now YOU DESERVE better and don't you dare settle for less!! And honestly, it isn't his wife's job to save him. It is HIS job to be the best human he can be. You will stop crying, I promise! And Angel --- I totally agree with what you said a couple pages back. I see what you see. While it is okay to show our children emotions, we shouldn't scare our children with these emotions AND our children deserve to have us healthy and whole. A crying jag every now and then is fine, but not laying in bed unable to interact. That isn't fair to them. It is our jobs as parents to teach them about strength, personal choices and responsibility too. IMTK (((hug))) One day at a time hon. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 (edited) You know IMTK.... Embrace this, enter into whatever emotion is appropriate for you...let this experience cause you to be stronger and when you can honestly thank exMM you will know that you know. In the process of getting to "here", love yourself deeply because YOU ARE NOT JUNK...you are worth the man who would lay down his life for you....this IS your worth, bottom line. Try to see the possitive aspect of this...and there are many.... Te rest of this list is up to you to finish.... Edited February 3, 2010 by pureinheart Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 If you are referencing 'these stories you have seen on LS' then it is important that you "mention names", as to refuse to tell us which stories you are referencing tends to lead one to believe it is all a bunch of... excrement and that said "stories" don't exist. It is a bunch of excrement. I just found a post to IMTK that read in part: But you have got to pull yourself together and start being there for your kid(s). There really is life after this guy and I hope that one day you don't look back with regret about how you damaged your kid(s) by making them feel unloved over a guy who doesn't even deserve your attention. Get better. Kids damaged and feeling unloved is a total projection that makes me wonder where that is coming from. It certainly isn't from anything that IMTK has posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Glad you're feeling better IMTK. You will feel a little bit stronger every day. You will have good days and bad days where you think you are doing good then something triggers you to feel bad again. Just know that it is a slow process and you will be better. Keep hanging in there. Hugs to you. =^-^= Link to post Share on other sites
califnan Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Hello Sweet Lady ! Guess what happened when you came into the world from God ... You came in by yourself ... As a Whole person - turning into a whole beautiful woman - and to make a difference in this world .. You have fallen into the same trap that others of us women fall into as well ... the feeling that that One man - and his acceptance is going to make you whole - and to make all of the difference . ... You are Already whole ... Just keep your eyes on Jesus instead of imperfect man .. Here is a beautiful scripture for us - to keep our eyes on the Beauty in our lives: Whatever things are true; Whatever things are honest; Whatever things are just; Whatever things are pure; Whatever things are lovely; Whatever things are of good report; If there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things . Philippians 4:8 Yours califnan Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 Hello Sweet Lady ! Guess what happened when you came into the world from God ... You came in by yourself ... As a Whole person - turning into a whole beautiful woman - and to make a difference in this world .. You have fallen into the same trap that others of us women fall into as well ... the feeling that that One man - and his acceptance is going to make you whole - and to make all of the difference . ... You are Already whole ... Just keep your eyes on Jesus instead of imperfect man .. Here is a beautiful scripture for us - to keep our eyes on the Beauty in our lives: Whatever things are true; Whatever things are honest; Whatever things are just; Whatever things are pure; Whatever things are lovely; Whatever things are of good report; If there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things . Philippians 4:8 Yours califnan Dwell on these things!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 It is a bunch of excrement. I just found a post to IMTK that read in part: Kids damaged and feeling unloved is a total projection that makes me wonder where that is coming from. It certainly isn't from anything that IMTK has posted. This is from Quote #56 to get the entire message... Oh Ms Red, there was another one in this thread that was totally uncalled for, although was removed I think, I only found it quoted and was shocked, and am shocked at the lack of consideration. Kids bounce back, people make mistakes, whatever....actually to make comments such as these tells me that there is a great lack of knowledge to REAL child abuse. I have seen child abuse and nothing that I have seen on LS as whole doesn't even come close. I could be wrong although have not read here. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 This divorce is a mess and I am still struggling with the whys and if it is even the right thing to do, so my thoughts have shifted somewhat to that now, but at least my thoughts are not as focused on xMM now. I was under the impression that your D was progressing nicely...what happened to cause it to be "a mess"? Would you care to put to paper these doubts about the D you now have? Why the doubts now? What doubts? What happened between you and your H that gave rise to these? Link to post Share on other sites
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