I'm at 9 months no contact, this is where I'm at and where I want to be

[health]

Hey. Long story short. Left girl of 5 years cause she was hanging with another guy way too much. 3 days later she gets into a relationship with him.

 

It's been 1 year since the break up and 9 months of no contact.

 

I have dated 2 girls since. Both didn't matter. I hate my ex, but it's on me so I forgive her and wish her the best. This is what I tell myself.

 

Inside I feel really hurt and empty. I am so freaking scared. I feel like I will never be in another relationship with a girl I like.

 

I feel so betrayed still. I keep thinking of what she is doing her partying, enjoing life and I'm dying. Meanwhile I have been going to all of these exclusive parties and having fun.

 

The positives are I went on two vacations last year. I got two promotions at work. Etc Etc... all this feels empty though. I'm shy, I beat myself up, I don't feel my accomplishments. It's almost like I'm just living to die. I don't care.

 

This is all after 9 months. I read an excellent book on Divorce - Rebuilding.

Also a book on grieving, and now Are you the One for me - by Barbara Deangelis.

 

It turns out my pattern is picking alchoholic or otherwise addicted girls.

 

I can say I am happy alone, but really want a partner.

 

This coupled with I'm still in an extrmeley abusive family environment.

 

Anyways. It's all on me.

 

I want to trust love again. I want to find a girl to love and share the good things in my life with - my art, humour, intellect, love, connection etc with.

 

It hurts cause I know people who have been single for over 10 years and I don't want to be like that. Then I know people who just jump into relationships for the sake of being in them.

 

I can't stand people who go back to their exes. Part of me would want to - if she didn't do what she did.

 

Ughh...sorry for the rant.

 

I just want peace.

[Angel1111]

First of all, if you've got a good job and all, why are you still in an abusive environment? Are you living with your parents?

 

I'm sorry you're still hurting so much over this. But, you know, 9 mos really isn't that long when you're trying to get over someone you truly loved - especially when they betrayed you. It usually takes about 2 yrs for me. But you do get past it eventually.

 

Maybe you pick girls with addiction problems because you like to feel like the savior. If you can come to terms with why you pick women like this, you'll be able to get past it. These are not people you want to get involved with because they're unstable and unpredictable. I used to pick guys that wanted me to be stronger than them. I totally disrespected them but I was with them. It made me nuts. It wasn't until I got around men who didn't have these expectations of me that I realized what I really wanted.

 

It would probably help you to stop dating for awhile because it can backfire on you. Wait until you're feeling stronger before you do this. In the meantime, keep reading. There are so many excellent books out there on relationships. You might like some of John Gray's books, too (he and Beverly were actually married at one time). Also, concentrate on making your life the way you want it - like moving into an apartment, or whatever that entails.

[health]

Thanks Angel. I moved back home to get away from the area that reminded me of my ex. My brother is extremely abusive - today he said he would break my neck and told the same to my sister - the reason I'm here is to save to put money down on a condo.

 

I was telling my mom though - whats the point of staying in such a painful and unhealthy environment? I may very well move out first. Today I told him he should move out, since he is terrorizing everyone. He yelled at me again and I said fine - at least I tried to get you out first.

 

The book by Barbara makes you think about why you pick certain people. Then to be aware and avoid the patterns.

 

You're right. I will stop dating unless it's really worth it.

 

I need to focus on healing. I beat myself up alot. My sister has become a recluse and hasn't had a job in 10 years. I used to drink and smoke weed. I stopped. Then recently got smashed at a party - after this I got the stomach flu and felt really sick yesterday.

 

I learned that alchohol and drugs are the worst thing to do now, and all I can think of is my ex doing that - the guy shes with parties - her and I never did drugs...I know she wouldn't but who knows and really who cares I shouldn't.

 

I just need to focus all my time on healing myself.

What I do is read, write, and take walks. If there is an event to see friends I do that too. I am commited to healing and believe I will in time.

 

It's just crazy. That's why I tell people to stay no contact right away - cause even holding onto no contact for 9 months is still painful.

It's better to start right away.

 

Thanks again.

[Angel1111]

Wow, that's too bad that your mother allows your brother to continue living in her house. I'd tell him to find another place to live, even if he was my son. Your sister sounds like she has given up on life. I'm guessing that your father is no longer there but, when he was, he was abusive?

 

I guess if you're really close to having the money saved up, it's worth staying. But if it's going to take awhile, it may not be worth it. I couldn't take being in an environment like that.

 

You know, you're doing really well and you seem like a really introspective kind of guy. It's good that you're still involving yourself in life and with your friends, too. Your ex really lost someone special. And I hope the next girl you're with will value you. Right now, you're still going to think about your ex, about what she's doing and all that. It's just natural. But the pain and the wondering will eventually stop, as I'm sure you already know. It's just a process that doesn't happen overnight.

[health]

Wow, that's too bad that your mother allows your brother to continue living in her house. I'd tell him to find another place to live, even if he was my son. Your sister sounds like she has given up on life. I'm guessing that your father is no longer there but, when he was, he was abusive?

 

I guess if you're really close to having the money saved up, it's worth staying. But if it's going to take awhile, it may not be worth it. I couldn't take being in an environment like that.

 

You know, you're doing really well and you seem like a really introspective kind of guy. It's good that you're still involving yourself in life and with your friends, too. Your ex really lost someone special. And I hope the next girl you're with will value you. Right now, you're still going to think about your ex, about what she's doing and all that. It's just natural. But the pain and the wondering will eventually stop, as I'm sure you already know. It's just a process that doesn't happen overnight.

 

I don't know why my Mom puts up with him. She allows it. My dad was really abusive to my Mom. Now she allows my brother to be abusive to her. That's a pattern too. The abuser and the victim. I have the self esteem not to allow it - that's why I left my ex, I couldn't take how she was treating me. I worked and she had no job and would sleep all day. We were creative and she would draw me hundreds of pictures, and I would draw for her and give her hundreds of funny poems and letters.

 

My sister lost an important job a while ago and I don't think she's been the same since. That's why I'm so careful around big losses and grieving - that's when life really really hits. I encourage my sister and I believe in her. But I know I can't save her. My dad would beat my Mom, mostly emotionally abuse her. To this day he is still bitter and blames everyone for how his life turned out.

 

Money wise I'm not that close to putting down a down payment. I have to see. I appreciate that you said my ex lost someone special. Thank you.

I believe I am - even with her WE were. Us. That's really no more. It's something I accepted, but my brain is having troubles acceting lol.

 

I agree that the wondering will eventually stop. It has gotten better. I used to break down and cry at night every month or so. I haven't done that for like 4 months now.

 

She had major flaws - no education or interest in it, couldn't hold down a job, was an angry person etc.

 

Alot of it I take blame for. My part in it. I take my responsibility.

I still have an infinite supply of love in me. I have faith one day I will be with a great woman I can share myself, grow and learn with.

 

Thank you sooo much again Angel, I really appreciate it!

[health]

I just called my bank for a pre-approval process on a Condo. It looks promising and something to keep busy with.

 

I was reading all these crazy divorce stories and I'm grateful I'm not with my ex.

 

To those who broke up less than 5 years think of this. People divorce and separate after 15 years! So in a sense I can focus on rebuidling my life and healing for 10 years for all I care and I will be in a great position by then.

 

I've learned that people have to be wo strong individuals before settling down in a commited relationship, and it's honestly what you put into it that makes it.

 

Thanks again. I am commited to healing, growth and happiness!