As vs "Normal" Rs (another spin-off)

[OWoman]

OK, since we're doing the derivative thing, here's another spin-off thread based on points raised in another post on another thread...

 

As I posted there, I've always conducted myself exactly the same in an A as in any other R - with the same boundaries, the same expectations, and the same results. I did not accept any behaviour from a MM that I would not have accepted from a SG (or vice versa) and I made no allowances for the "structural constraints" of their being M - that was their problem, not mine.

 

Clearly there are different views on this, and different experiences. So, I thought I'd start a thread about it. Clearly, they are not NECESSARILY different (since at least some OWs have stated that their A experience was "just like any other R" in terms of what they expected and what they got), but I'm interested in whether people (on whatever side of the triangle) feel they SHOULD be different, and if so, how, and why?

[jwi71]

I LOVE this question.

And I'm quite interested in the reply's.

 

My gut tells me no, that isn't the case. That an A is "somehow" different from an "R".

 

Thanks for asking...

[greengoddess]

Honestly, I think you are deceiving yourself. You did have constraints.

 

Did you go hang out at his house for a wnderful home cooked meal and a good bottle of wine and liesurly roll into bed whenever you felt like it? Did you pop in to see him in the middle of the night and crawl into bed if the urge hit you? Did you have a key to his place? Did you walk arm and arm into any restaurant you wanted? Christmas with his kids and family?

 

nope an affair has constraints whether you want to see it that way or not. THE WIFE is one big constraint on the relationship. If you and he had no constraints then he was extremely disrespectful to his wife. Something I would not find attractive.

[NoIDidn't]

Depends on what a person considers "normal".

 

Some people grew up considering abuse normal, some didn't.

 

I think this distinction will determine the difference.

 

The biggest difference between As and "normal" Rs for me, is when the OP wastes so much time waiting for the MP to "leave" their "normal" R. Even in "normal" R, there are times when one wants more than the other, but not necessarily the waiting for them to leave one R to have a "fuller" one with them.

[greengoddess]

I also think most "normal" relationships don't include most of the relationship partners salary going to a wife and children.

[OWoman]

If you and he had no constraints then he was extremely disrespectful to his wife. Something I would not find attractive.

 

They lived separate lives. Even before I was on the scene, she never accompanied him to work events or family gatherings. He used to go alone. Now he goes with me, as he did during the A.

[OWoman]

I also think most "normal" relationships don't include most of the relationship partners salary going to a wife and children.

 

His didn't. He and his then-W each put an agreed amount into a shard account each month, used for housekeeping. The rest of their salaries they kept for themselves, to spend as they chose.

[greengoddess]

They lived separate lives. Even before I was on the scene, she never accompanied him to work events or family gatherings. He used to go alone. Now he goes with me, as he did during the A.

So you could pop by his home anytime you wanted to crawl into bed, Share a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch?

[OWoman]

The biggest difference between As and "normal" Rs for me' date=' is when the OP wastes so much time waiting for the MP to "leave" their "normal" R. Even in "normal" R, there are times when one wants more than the other, but not necessarily the waiting for them to leave one R to have a "fuller" one with them.[/quote']

 

I've probably been more on the other side of that - the one that wanted less while the others were waiting for me to dump my "others" and focus only on them....

[greengoddess]

and yes he went ALONE. He could not take you. You were not his girlfriend as you like to believe. You were his MISSTRESS.

[Spark1111]

Okay, here is my take on the question:

 

In an A you have to pre-plan a time and place to meet, like dating. You take care to groom yourself and put you best face forward; you try hard to impress each other and be your "best," person.

 

Sounds nice. Sounds fun. Sounds exciting.

 

In a normal relationship, you discuss and negotiate bill paying, banking, car repairs, share responsibilities of house, and vomiting children, or each other!) at 2 a.m. Most likely you both work. You also share extended family resposibilities, holiday, highs and lows, and romanticism waxes and wanes.

 

You'd like to date, but it's hard to find the time to do so.

[OWoman]

So you could pop by his home anytime you wanted to crawl into bed, Share a bottle of wine and cuddle on the couch?

 

I'm not middle-aged! No doubt had I ever wanted to do that I would have, but I'm far more of a "meet you at midnight down by the clearing" kind of person. I prefer the glow of moonlight to the haze of the TV. We use the couch when we have visitors, but we're far more likely to cuddle under the stars, in a hot tub or on the dunes.

 

Nor do I drink wine

[OWoman]

and yes he went ALONE. He could not take you. You were not his girlfriend as you like to believe. You were his MISSTRESS.

 

Tsk, tsk - pay attention, you seem to have missed this bit:

 

They lived separate lives. Even before I was on the scene, she never accompanied him to work events or family gatherings. He used to go alone. Now he goes with me, as he did during the A.

 

He went alone BEFORE HE MET ME. When it was just him, and her - his choice was to go alone. Once we'd met, he went with me.

 

(And no, I've never been a mistress - however you choose to spell it!)

[greengoddess]

I'm not middle-aged! No doubt had I ever wanted to do that I would have, but I'm far more of a "meet you at midnight down by the clearing" kind of person. I prefer the glow of moonlight to the haze of the TV. We use the couch when we have visitors, but we're far more likely to cuddle under the stars, in a hot tub or on the dunes.

 

Nor do I drink wine

 

:laugh: good duck and cover with that one.

 

No I don't believe you never felt like just popping over his house. You knew better and you are living in denial about your beginning since you are now married. You love to say no ne cared at the office and it was all upfron and they all love you. I don't believe it. I guarentee there was lots of gossip that was not meant for your or his ears. An affair is an affair is an affair...

[Brokenlady]

Okay, here is my take on the question:

 

In an A you have to pre-plan a time and place to meet, like dating. You take care to groom yourself and put you best face forward; you try hard to impress each other and be your "best," person.

 

Sounds nice. Sounds fun. Sounds exciting.

 

If only I had the ability to plan like that most of the time! When he was still with his xW he very rarely made excuses to go out, b/c she'd always follow him. So, more often than not, he'd call me to meet immediately when she'd make an unexpected trip somewhere. It didn't matter if I looked nice or just came back from running in my seats, I went at the drop of a dime.

 

In a normal relationship, you discuss and negotiate bill paying, banking, car repairs, share responsibilities of house, and vomiting children, or each other!) at 2 a.m. Most likely you both work. You also share extended family resposibilities, holiday, highs and lows, and romanticism waxes and wanes.

 

In my M, there was no sharing. I did all the housework, bill-paying etc. It was pretty much the same for xDM. Yet in the A, I ended up taking care of bill paying and other things for xDM even as he was still living with his xW. Probably not typical of an A, but more and more he put me in the "W" role during the A. I ironed his shirts, I baked for the whole family. I did lots of things that would constitute the trappings of a "normal" relationship.

 

You'd like to date, but it's hard to find the time to do so.

 

I my M, I didn't have a desire to date. In fact, I was pretty well convinced that romance didn't even exist.

[Lizzie60]

I see an A very very different than a 'normal' relationship...

 

First, it's got to be secret (with your entourage).. as a R doesn't have to...

 

The spontaneity is lacking...

 

You are knowingly sharing a man...

 

I'm sure there is more.. I'll think about it..

[greengoddess]

Tsk, tsk - pay attention, you seem to have missed this bit:

 

 

 

He went alone BEFORE HE MET ME. When it was just him, and her - his choice was to go alone. Once we'd met, he went with me.

 

(And no, I've never been a mistress - however you choose to spell it!)

 

Then why did you come to an ow support board?

 

Aww does that make you feel superior to correct a typo? Personally I find it petty and catty.

[Brokenlady]

Then why did you come to an ow support board?

 

Aww does that make you feel superior to correct a typo? Personally I find it petty and catty.

 

You seem to know an awful lot yourself about petty and catty.

[greengoddess]

You seem to know an awful lot yourself about petty and catty.

 

 

really? How so brokenlady? by being realistic that there is no way an affair can have the same dynamics as a real relationship? That's reality?

 

What do you find petty and catty in what I said?

[OWoman]

Okay, here is my take on the question:

 

In an A you have to pre-plan a time and place to meet, like dating. You take care to groom yourself and put you best face forward; you try hard to impress each other and be your "best," person.

 

Sounds nice. Sounds fun. Sounds exciting.

 

In a normal relationship, you discuss and negotiate bill paying, banking, car repairs, share responsibilities of house, and vomiting children, or each other!) at 2 a.m. Most likely you both work. You also share extended family resposibilities, holiday, highs and lows, and romanticism waxes and wanes.

 

You'd like to date, but it's hard to find the time to do so.

 

Spark, SOME As are like that, but not all. FA's description of hers sounds like more vomiting children and bill paying than hot sex (sorry to speak for you FA - and sorry if I misrepresent your proportion of hot sex! ) while there are others that are entirely moonlight and roses.

 

Mine were, as I suppose most are, somewhere in between. We'd spend extended periods of time together, when we'd live together as any "normal" couple, doing all those boring couply things... and there'd be times we'd spend apart, getting together only for special occasions, holidays and treats, when we'd put on our glad rags and razzle the night away.

 

Planning was a mix. He's into planning, in all aspects of his life. I'm more chaotic and spontaneous. He's more the book plane tickets and hotels and diarise kind, I'm more the pick-up-the-phone-and-dial - "meet me at xxx in 10 minutes" kind. Still. He never knows what he's coming home to when he goes to the office

[jennie-jennie]

I love a guy, he loves me, we have a relationship.

 

No difference from earlier relationships, except that MM spends more quality time with me than my last SO did. :love:

 

The biggest difference between As and "normal" Rs for me, is when the OP wastes so much time waiting for the MP to "leave" their "normal" R. Even in "normal" R, there are times when one wants more than the other, but not necessarily the waiting for them to leave one R to have a "fuller" one with them.

 

That is exactly why you should not spend the time waiting, you should be enjoying what you DO have, which might actually be more than you would have in a relationship with a single man. I can't imagine a man who would fit me better than MM does.

[greengoddess]

Still. He never knows what he's coming home to when he goes to the office

 

 

And on that same note do you know what he is going into when he goes to the office?

[greengoddess]

I know one couple. A very wealthy CEO who left his wife for his administrative assisstant. As soon as they married he made her stay home. They had children and he soon had another "admisistrative assitant" who took care of all of his needs at work while the wife was home sitting in the exwifes exact shoes. Very sad. She's a beautiful woman who just looks so tired and worn down now.

[Brokenlady]

And on that same note do you know what he is going into when he goes to the office?

 

Cheap shot. Implying that he's cheating on her just because they started as an A? At any rate, they have an open marriage, so he has no reason to lie.

[OWoman]

No I don't believe you never felt like just popping over his house.

 

I didn't say that. I've been to "his" (now our) house plenty of times during the A. Yes, on a whim. Yes, if you want gory details, I've just arrived unannounced, shagged him on the kitchen table, had my wicked way with him in the shower and breezed off on my merry way again. But it was a house full of her clutter and crud and it wasn't the kind of place I enjoyed spending too much time in, TBH - so I chose not to.

 

You knew better and you are living in denial about your beginning since you are now married. You love to say no ne cared at the office and it was all upfron and they all love you. I don't believe it. I guarentee there was lots of gossip that was not meant for your or his ears. An affair is an affair is an affair...

 

I'm not sure where you got that idea from. We've never worked for the same organisation so there's never been "an office" where people could have cared or otherwise. That said, I was introduced to his friends and colleagues during the A, and they were nothing but welcoming. His xW had worked for the same organisation - but a different department - and was widely disliked, so there was no residual sympathy for her. I'm sure there was "gossip" - the fact that news of his D and our impending M met such a rousing cheer indicated that there'd been much speculation about it. Not all "gossip" is malicious.

 

You don't have to believe me, and I don't have to convince you. It changes nothing about the truth of what happened, or what happens now. If you feel better, and more secure, thinking it can't possibly have been as I claim, then cuddle up to that thought and let it keep you warm. I lose nothing by your doing so, so why should I try to change your mind?