pureinheart Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 NO, you can not have an A with your H/W/bf/gf, possibly an A might get you one of the above 4 roles(based on your gender/sexuality)(it's up gradation not degradation) R is always superior, it's that simple Hey Scorp!!!!! An A is a R! Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Hey Scorp!!!!! An A is a R! It sure is. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWoman Posted February 4, 2010 Author Share Posted February 4, 2010 Hey Scorp!!!!! An A is a R! they can not be used interchangeably.... "Dog" cannot be used interchangeably with "mammal", either, but that does not alter the fact that a dog is a mammal. An A is a type of R, just as a dog is a type of mammal. Link to post Share on other sites
OpenBook Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 then say i am having an A with w/gf/bf/h Maybe if more people actually took that approach in their established R's, there'd be fewer A's and betrayal of those R's!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Maybe if more people actually took that approach in their established R's, there'd be fewer A's and betrayal of those R's!!! I would have so appreciated if he had said that. I think there would be fewer A's. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Sure, both affairs and marriages are relationships. Both can have similar levels of emotion and love. But a marriage is way more than a relationship. The logistics, legalities, intent, and committment are all completely different. No amount of fantasy , warm and fuzzy feelings, wishful thinking , love, hate, if onlys, justifications, boundaries or the lack thereof, nothing - can make them comparable. They can both be good or bad, but when it comes down to it, as far as relationships go..they dont have a lot in common. Having an affair is more like dating than it is like a marriage. Comparing an affair to a marriage is like comparing baby sitting your favorite niece to being a full time mom. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 Comparing an affair to a marriage is like comparing baby sitting your favorite niece to being a full time mom. This is a PERFECT analogy!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Passion4Life Posted February 4, 2010 Share Posted February 4, 2010 "Dog" cannot be used interchangeably with "mammal", either, but that does not alter the fact that a dog is a mammal. An A is a type of R, just as a dog is a type of mammal. well the basic difference is that marriage is legal rlationship but affair is illicit relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 An affair is equivalent to a dating relationship. An affair is not on the level as a marriage as a regular dating relationship isn't either. Though there are grey areas and the different components can be the same if there is a merging of financial, familial, etc., i.e common law marriages/relationships. My relationship when it was an affair is not that far off as it is now. But then we didn't have the stereotypical affair. We had plenty of contact, time together, etc. I think you find the same level of angst if you go to the dating forums as you do here. On all the OP forums I have visited I do see a higher level of unhappiness here than in other places which I think gives a skewed view of things. Also, most of the OP who are HOP don't tend to frequent forums as they don't need them. Same as all relationships. How many head over heel, totally in love and perfectly happy individuals do you see on this site in comparison to those that are on the other side of the spectrum? Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 An affair is equivalent to a dating relationship. I don't lie to people I'm dating though. I don't have more than one guy while letting EITHER of them think we're exclusive. HUGE difference. One involves integrity. The other - IMO, not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWoman Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 well the basic difference is that marriage is legal rlationship but affair is illicit relationship. Marriage is an A that involves three parties - H, W and the state - while an A typically involves two (WS and AP). One is "legal" in that it is legally notarised; the other is neither legal nor illegal (unless you live in some pre-modern society) but falls into an area on which the law is (and should be) silent. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 I don't lie to people I'm dating though. I don't have more than one guy while letting EITHER of them think we're exclusive. HUGE difference. One involves integrity. The other - IMO, not so much. Okay . . . but we are not talking about you specifically. We are talking in the general form of these types of relationships. There are some that are not exclusive in their dating. Again it is arguing the types of relationship and where they weigh out in the different areas. We are not talking about specific people or specific situations. If we were I would say generally I do not have affairs or believe they are the healthiest type of relationship. By situation, I have had an affair, and do not feel that it was an unhealthy relationship for me. Arguing TYPES of relationships I think you have to look at the different elements. There are always exceptions to the rules. By standards here my EMA was very much uncommon. For me it was a very common relationship, in terms of how it was set up, expectations, needs, satisfaction, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 I'm not middle-aged! No doubt had I ever wanted to do that I would have, but I'm far more of a "meet you at midnight down by the clearing" kind of person. I prefer the glow of moonlight to the haze of the TV. We use the couch when we have visitors, but we're far more likely to cuddle under the stars, in a hot tub or on the dunes. Nor do I drink wine You know what she meant, and she is right, an affair is never like a "normal" relationship. Affairs tend to disintegrate when exposed, they only exist in secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 What "message" do you think i am showing my children? They certainly are not in my room while we are having sex, though they do occasionally all come in and cuddle while we watch a movie together if it is not a school night. The message that I am showing my kids is that after my horrid marriage in which they saw me be beaten, i am not afraid to open myself up again. The message I am showing my kids, is that mommy is worthy of being treated kindly, and gently and lovingly by a man, who often compliments me on my intelligence and my humour and my kindness in front of my children, something they never saw their father do. The lesson I am showing my kids is that during a disagreement with My MM he NEVER raises his voice to me, and even if he gets upset with me he NEVER calls me names, and he NEVER raises a hand to me. Something that before he was in our lives they thought was 'normal' relationship behaviour, now they see us "disagree" and My MM pulling me on to his lap, kissing my forehead and saying he is sorry if he is at fault. The message that I am showing my kids is that being loved properly, makes mommy laugh and smile, while for 15 years they saw me cry while i was with their father. The message I am showing my children is that I still have the capacity to love, despite how horribly I was treated by someone who would say that he loved me. The message I am showing my kids is that i will not give up on life. The message I am showing my kids is that I am strong. The message I am showing my kids is that with every relationship they will encounter, they face the reality that it may be very happy, it may be very sad, it may work out, and it may not, but that it is certainly worth it to try regardless of the ending!! You worry about the lessons you teach your children, I will worry about the lessons I teach mine. The message you are showing your kids is that this wonderful man who treats you so well goes home to his WIFE and his CHILDREN. The message they will understand is that their mother sleeps with a married man. That is the message you are teaching your children. Do they know that he's married? If not, there's another message you're showing them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWoman Posted February 9, 2010 Author Share Posted February 9, 2010 You know what she meant, and she is right, an affair is never like a "normal" relationship. Some are. Mine, for example. Or those countless OW who didn't have a clue their SO was M, because he was just like any other BF. Affairs tend to disintegrate when exposed, they only exist in secrecy. Not always. Mine didn't. Nor those who openly "date", despite there being a BW somewhere in the wings. Not all As confirm to the stereotypes you see on the TV. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Some are. Mine, for example. Or those countless OW who didn't have a clue their SO was M, because he was just like any other BF. Not always. Mine didn't. Nor those who openly "date", despite there being a BW somewhere in the wings. Not all As confirm to the stereotypes you see on the TV. Yes OWomen, we get it, yours was the one in a million affair that wasn't hidden, but we all know that most are. Like, 99.9%, and once exposed to the light of day, they're over. What you describe sounds more like a polygamous or open marriage, and is nothing like the overwhelming majority of affairs out there where the WS takes great pains to keep it hidden. Link to post Share on other sites
Author OWoman Posted February 9, 2010 Author Share Posted February 9, 2010 The message you are showing your kids is that this wonderful man who treats you so well goes home to his WIFE and his CHILDREN. The message they will understand is that their mother sleeps with a married man. That is the message you are teaching your children. From which they will learn that love can transcend bigotry, and that narrow-minded prejudices that seek to constrain happiness leave the lives of those that cling to them that much more impoverished. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 From which they will learn that love can transcend bigotry, and that narrow-minded prejudices that seek to constrain happiness leave the lives of those that cling to them that much more impoverished. Wow, the selfishness is mind boggling. At whose expense are you seeking happiness? Since when does your happiness trump the betrayed spouses? So in other words, it's okay to betray and deceive another person, so long as YOU are happy? Well, I certainly wouldn't want to constrain FA's happiness by reminding her that her children are going to wonder why, if this man is such a great guy who values their mother so much, he goes home to a wife and children every night. What a farce. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Yes OWomen, we get it, yours was the one in a million affair that wasn't hidden, but we all know that most are. Like, 99.9%, and once exposed to the light of day, they're over. What you describe sounds more like a polygamous or open marriage, and is nothing like the overwhelming majority of affairs out there where the WS takes great pains to keep it hidden. Only in the eyes of the BS. If it was easy to gaslight them before, it will always be easy especially given that the BS wants so much to believe the WS. Just sayin. Link to post Share on other sites
Impudent Oyster Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Only in the eyes of the BS. If it was easy to gaslight them before, it will always be easy especially given that the BS wants so much to believe the WS. Just sayin. You obviously have the wrong idea of what exposure means. Gaslighting is a way of covering up an affair, it is not exposure. You show me a man who admits to his wife that he's sleeping with someone else and I'll show you a separation agreement. If there is anyone reading this who is A-okay with their spouse having an affair, please post. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted February 9, 2010 Share Posted February 9, 2010 Okay . . . but we are not talking about you specifically. We are talking in the general form of these types of relationships. Okay, then. Generally speaking, a "real" relationship involves honesty and no need to lie to outsiders to hide any or all aspects of said relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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