Could do with some insight...again!

[jennie-jennie]

I have a relationship with a man. A man who unfortunately happens to be married. I have been with him for four years. Before that I was faithful to my now exSO for decades. Incredibly faithful and loyal to be a "trashy" woman in my opinon.

[Angel1111]

I think you are subtly saying "they" when you mean "her". But "she" isn't the one initiating contact with H4U, "he" is.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with being mean to her. It has to do with keeping this private between them. I've been cheated on before and I know all the emotions that go with it. But, as you stated earlier, NC letters and all that is total crap. It's just a way for the BS to exercise control over the one who cheated. If a woman can't trust their husband, it's got nothing to do with the OW, it has to do with him. It just shows that they don't even have enough between them to keep it between them.

 

You know, when my verbally abusive ex cheated because I said I was leaving him, but he convinced me to come back (after I filed for divorce within 2 wks). So things went smoothly for about a month and then he decided to venture off to the part of town where the OW lived and had a drink at a bar near her house, while I was off with my sister shopping. So when he called me at lunch and told me this, I was calm, but furious. When I got home, I asked him why he would do such a thing. He swore up and down that he didn't see her, but had no good answer and no good reason for being on that side of town. I don't believe he saw her, I believe he did it to resurrect those horrible feelings of the affair because this is exactly how abusive people act.

 

So I left him over it. And he was shocked. But this absolutely was an 'in your face' kind of thing because he knew how I'd react to him going to that particular part of town. Did it occur to me to contact the OW to see if he called her or if she called him? I didn't care. He proved to me that he was willing to jeapordize our marriage and, at minimum, cause me to be suspicious of his actions, and that was all I needed to know. I never once involved the OW in any way whatsoever.

[Fallen Angel]

I have a relationship with a man. A man who unfortunately happens to be married. I have been with him for four years. Before that I was faithful to my now exSO for decades. Incredibly faithful and loyal to be a "trashy" woman in my opinon.

 

Yeah, I guess the 15 years of faithfulness I gave my exH, and now the almost 3 years of faithfulness i have given My MM just go to show what a wanton and horrible 'trashy' woman I am.

 

I guess if I was out banging a different man every couple of weeks/months as long as he was single, that would be okay. WOW.. people here have issues.

[Fallen Angel]

Straight from the mouthes of , "I've never,& would never, so they must be trash."

 

Well, that clears everything in one swoop,for all of us here. No need for the OW/M forum anymore.

 

Exactly... *shrug* perhaps someone should inform LS that they do not need this particular board anymore.

[hopeless4u]

I had a D-day about a month ago. She made him call me while she was on the other line listening and he said he wouldn't be calling me anymore and please don't call him back.

 

Two days later he activated another phone and we speak every day but I have decided I want Low Contact while he is in counseling. I can't go back to the A as it was, in part because that act shed a different light on him than I've ever seen before. He was submissive to her and I always saw him as a strong hero, an alpha male.

 

I was angry, too, that he agreed to do this. I know many BW will defend his W here and I will accept that but I couldn't do it and would not. It is humiliating and it feels like being gang-jumped. It's two against one. I anticipate some BW saying it was two against one during the A but I beg to differ. HE did the cheating against her during the A. Had he been cheating with porn she wouldn't have made him call the director of the porn flick in front of her while she listened on the other line. Besides, it was humiliating enough getting caught so forcing him to make that call was an unneccessary extra act of humiliation.

 

 

Yeah xMM was with her when she called me, I didn't know at the time and said to a friend when I came off the phone how strange some of her answers were and that something didn't feel right with the conversation. When I spoke to xMM 2 weeks later it came out that she twisted my answers to him(he could only hear what she was saying)and basically told him that I was saying things out of the blue to hurt her when actually I just answered her questions.....

 

I am beginning to think they deserve each other and have been playing these games for so long it has just become a way of life to them both!!

[hopeless4u]

You are making assumptions -- how exactly did she DEMAND??

 

H4U, I know you think I too am being hard on you, but you are making excuse, after excuse, after excuse to not cut him out of your life.

 

When he returns, you look him in the eye and tell him to NOT contact you anymore unless it is about work -- PERIOD. And since he isn't YOUR manager, there shouldn't REALLY be a need to contact you.

 

He has made his choice - his wife. That alone should piss you off. It hasn't. He has now allowed his wife to tell you to leave them alone (because I do believe he threw you under the bus again and said you were contacting him) and that is the reason for the latest text message. That should piss you off and have you end it. It probably hasn't.

 

AND he has gone on vacation with his wife -- and again, that should make you end it -- but I doubt it will.

 

One day, you will decide you are DONE. I hope it is sooner rather than later because the ONLY one being hurt, upset and irritated is you.

 

BLOCK them from your phone and email. I dare you to

 

 

I have been so angry with myself today....think I may of had a lightbulb moment in my sleep after my session on here last night!!!

 

I see now that his call about her reading my myspace wasn't to warn me she may ring it was to warn me she was reading it and not to drop him in the sh*t AND the text from the airport wasn't to save my feelings when the text from her arrived it was so I didn't reply and drop him in the sh*t as she will be waiting for that reply and will read it before he can delete it!!!

 

Well Friday can't come soon enough for me, when he calls or comes into work, which he will, and starts with the sob story he is going to get the full wrath of my humiliation and more.....I will make his W look like a pussy cat!!!

[Confused4Now]

I am beginning to think they deserve each other and have been playing these games for so long it has just become a way of life to them both!!

When I was in my situation....My MW complained emotional and verbal abuse. Little did I know that she had picked up them traits as well and what I observed was H and W have been doing this dance for all their marriage. I could see it was a lifestyle in every which way for both of them. It took me almost 3 years to recognize what was going on. So in the beginning I would notice I was doing this dance with her too....So now when she tries that crap with me I just don't feed into it.

[hopeless4u]

I guess I can kind of see where you are coming from there, but at the same time, i would lose some respect for My MM if he ever did that to me. I know that when we had our D-day he protected me, he would NOT make those phone calls, send those emails, texts etc. and he did not let her contact me.

 

I am grateful that he was unwilling to do something like that to me, just as I would not expect him to ever be hateful to her, and he wouldn't be, neither should she expect him to be hateful towards me, and he wouldn't.

 

Thing I do not understand is, why a BW would want to hear her H say or do bad things to his OW. I, as a BW, would be able to understand the affair more readily if I thought the OW was a wonderful amazing person, that he thought of as being on par with me. If he was willing to risk me for someone who he thought of as trash, or someone that he thought of as easily disposable, that would hurt me worse. *shrug* But that is just me i guess.

 

 

You are right with the respect bit, I saw my xMM completely different afterwards and again after this latest text.

He has no backbone and just agrees to do as he is told...pityful really.

 

His W has told him she wants to see my face when he tells me he hates me (so he said??) and he sat there while his W told me over the phone that he wishes the A had never happened and although he thought he had 'feelings' for me he now realises everything he wants is right in front of him.....son of a bitch let me take that without a thought of how that would affect me!!

Then when we spoke he said...wait for it.....I didn't say it like that, I said I wish I had sorted the problems with our M before I started the A!!!!! Pr*ck!!

[hopeless4u]

I disagree. Considering he warned her that its coming, he could be under the impression that she is "laying low" until he contacts her again. His W may be watching his cell for when that "lying woman" tries to contact her H again.

 

He did warn H4U, so I doubt "they" are sitting anywhere feeling stupid. His W might be feeling stupid for having trusted him and H4U to actually honor NC, though.

 

He will be having the time of his life on the slopes while talking complete b*llsh*t to his W and thinking I'm sat here all fine and dandy waiting for him to get back so he can continue talking complete b*llsh*t to me....not this time, the gloves are off, bigtime.

 

He will not get a 3rd chance to throw me under a bus that I can promise you.

[hopeless4u]

I would NEVER have made my H do something like this. Another site I used to post on was big on No Contact Letters. All to juvenile to me to make my H write and sign a letter that I needed to "approve". I am NOT his mother OR his boss. He would have to willingly comply with my request of NC. Not be demanded to comply with it. I got married to be a partner, not a warden.

 

I can't imagine how hard it is for a BW to do this, but I refused to sink to this level. I am an all NC person, unless I need an answer. I truly believe in giving people enough rope....

 

This made me smile, when xMM went to IC his C said that his R with his W was what was called a 'parent/child' R, she was the parent and him the child!!

[hopeless4u]

What you say would make sense IF HE hadn't been the one to call H4U and WARN her.

 

I think you are subtly saying "they" when you mean "her". But "she" isn't the one initiating contact with H4U, "he" is.

 

If H4U truly didn't want to be involved, she wouldn't be. She wouldn't be wondering why his W can't tell an incoming call from an outgoing one. She wouldn't have been bothered about his "warning". And she wouldn't even BE in the position to be getting such a warning.

 

Telling her anything else, IMO, is validating her excuses. She put herself directly in front of this bus. Every single time she doesn't tell him to shove off, she passively sits in front of that bus. And he just keeps making passes over her. While she blames his W for it. Can't she see that she is being played BY HIM to get more of HIS W's attention? He's never had it so good. His W wanting to fight for his lousy behind. His "former" OW wanting to save him from his warden. Its pathetic and transparent on his part.

 

As I said on an earlier post, I can see this now.

The call about my myspace was to save his arse in case I wrote something that would drop him in it, the text the other day was so I didn't reply and drop him in it and him being all nicey, nicey at work is not to save my feelings but so my friends see him as the 'nice guy' trying to 'do the right thing'

I've been so blind but I guess its one of those thing you have to live through and come out the other side before you can really see it for what it is.

[jwi71]

As I said on an earlier post, I can see this now.

The call about my myspace was to save his arse in case I wrote something that would drop him in it, the text the other day was so I didn't reply and drop him in it and him being all nicey, nicey at work is not to save my feelings but so my friends see him as the 'nice guy' trying to 'do the right thing'

I've been so blind but I guess its one of those thing you have to live through and come out the other side before you can really see it for what it is.

 

Now that you have "Seen the light"...

 

What are YOU going to do?

 

My advice...NOTHING.

 

Block, block, block...and smile inwardly at the insanity THEY live in...

[jwi71]

Maybe we should come up with a fun myspace post for you!

 

Oh yeah.

 

Things like:

 

"My syphilis test came back positive. Again."

"I'm proud to announce I'm pregnant."

"I haven't had good sex in a long time..."

 

That should spice up the evening meal at his place.

 

We could take a betting pool on who and how fast they call, text, email and drive over to knock on your door...

[Angel1111]

Oh yeah.

 

Things like:

 

"My syphilis test came back positive. Again."

"I'm proud to announce I'm pregnant."

"I haven't had good sex in a long time..."

 

That should spice up the evening meal at his place.

 

We could take a betting pool on who and how fast they call, text, email and drive over to knock on your door...

 

Those are funny!

 

How about, "xMM called me the other day so I changed my phone number." Then they'll think that all their texts are still floating around out there somewhere in outer space.

[jwi71]

Oh yeah.

 

Things like:

 

"My syphilis test came back positive. Again."

"I'm proud to announce I'm pregnant."

"I haven't had good sex in a long time..."

 

That should spice up the evening meal at his place.

 

We could take a betting pool on who and how fast they call, text, email and drive over to knock on your door...

 

To clarify...I meant this in JEST.

 

h4u...do NOT post those things no matter what...the look on your xMM's or his W's face (which we wouldn't get to see) isnt worth it...

 

Even if its tempting...DON'T.

 

IT'S a JOKE, do NOT construe that as "real advice"...

[hopeless4u]

hmmm maybe you should put a little problem in their vacation since they are causing you nothing but heartache.

 

Maybe we should come up with a fun myspace post for you!

 

 

It has crossed my mind but its HIM who's balls I want on a plate and I want to see him squirm as I do it!

[hopeless4u]

Now that you have "Seen the light"...

 

What are YOU going to do?

 

My advice...NOTHING.

 

Block, block, block...and smile inwardly at the insanity THEY live in...

 

I won't be doing anything till he gets back and by then I will be calm, relaxed and deadly!!

[hopeless4u]

Oh yeah.

 

Things like:

 

"My syphilis test came back positive. Again."

"I'm proud to announce I'm pregnant."

"I haven't had good sex in a long time..."

 

That should spice up the evening meal at his place.

 

We could take a betting pool on who and how fast they call, text, email and drive over to knock on your door...[/QUOTE]

 

 

Ha Ha but no you are safe with that one but the bolded bit could be interesting when the sh*t does hit the fan.....

[Angel1111]

I won't be doing anything till he gets back and by then I will be calm, relaxed and deadly!!

 

Excellent. Now hang onto that and don't let the sight of him weaken your resolve or make you forget what he has done to you. What he did was inexcusable.

[hopeless4u]

Those are funny!

 

How about, "xMM called me the other day so I changed my phone number." Then they'll think that all their texts are still floating around out there somewhere in outer space.

 

They may as well be floating round in space because when I respond it will be in person not by text.

 

He isn't getting out of this one, not this time.

[hopeless4u]

Excellent. Now hang onto that and don't let the sight of him weaken your resolve or make you forget what he has done to you. What he did was inexcusable.

 

 

I won't be giving in this time, I'm still shaking with anger.

Maybe this was what I needed to be able to take that final step.

[fooled once]

Maybe I didn't read this thread closely enough, but I didn't see a single person say that the OW were trash - except it has been made to appear that way

 

I saw WF say that the BW should see what a classy woman she is. But I didn't once see someone call another person trashy if they were an OW. HOW did that come up? Was it deleted by a mod? Why do people start assuming things

 

I don't care what the Wife of the man I was in the affair with thought of me. I don't care of she thought I was trash or too young or too anything. I don't care about HER so why would I care what she thinks?

 

Why does the name calling start flying??

 

Back on topic....H4U -- please stay strong. Please don't 'think' about Friday when he returns. Please don't plan anything. Just IGNORE him. Don't let him suck you back in.

[pureinheart]

Maybe I didn't read this thread closely enough, but I didn't see a single person say that the OW were trash - except it has been made to appear that way

 

I saw WF say that the BW should see what a classy woman she is. But I didn't once see someone call another person trashy if they were an OW. HOW did that come up? Was it deleted by a mod? Why do people start assuming things

 

I don't care what the Wife of the man I was in the affair with thought of me. I don't care of she thought I was trash or too young or too anything. I don't care about HER so why would I care what she thinks?

 

Why does the name calling start flying??

 

Back on topic....H4U -- please stay strong. Please don't 'think' about Friday when he returns. Please don't plan anything. Just IGNORE him. Don't let him suck you back in.

 

Just a conversation between myself and WF (page 6, #76 and #77)...no one here said anything like that.

 

I hear you, I don't care what anyone thinks about me....unless I have done them wrong, then I must tell them that I know I did wrong and ask for forgiveness or not.

 

WF was not being defensive, just making a comment...

[Chingaling]

Just chiming in here H4U! You go girl. I can imagine you as the Ice Queen! I am so happy that you reached the anger stage!!! MM not only threw you under the bus, he backed it up over you! People will only take advantage of you if you let them, and unfortunately the longer you let them the more power they have... take his power, Ice Princess - living well is the best revenge!

[hopeless4u]

Just chiming in here H4U! You go girl. I can imagine you as the Ice Queen! I am so happy that you reached the anger stage!!! MM not only threw you under the bus, he backed it up over you! People will only take advantage of you if you let them, and unfortunately the longer you let them the more power they have... take his power, Ice Princess - living well is the best revenge!

 

This is the 'next stage' for me I'm sure. I've never felt this angry about xMM since I met him. I've always made excuses for him but not this time.

 

To top it all I woke to a text this morning from his W asking why I phoned him...I PHONED HIM!!!!!

 

Again this made me realise HE has said I am ringing HIM.....Mother F**king Son Of A Bi*ch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Oh I'm living all right, living for the moment I'm finally NOT looking out for saving his ass!!