Could do with some insight...again!

[hopeless4u]

Maybe I didn't read this thread closely enough, but I didn't see a single person say that the OW were trash - except it has been made to appear that way

 

I saw WF say that the BW should see what a classy woman she is. But I didn't once see someone call another person trashy if they were an OW. HOW did that come up? Was it deleted by a mod? Why do people start assuming things

 

I don't care what the Wife of the man I was in the affair with thought of me. I don't care of she thought I was trash or too young or too anything. I don't care about HER so why would I care what she thinks?

 

Why does the name calling start flying??

 

Back on topic....H4U -- please stay strong. Please don't 'think' about Friday when he returns. Please don't plan anything. Just IGNORE him. Don't let him suck you back in.

 

I'm good FO, I promise:)

 

Another text from his W that has confirmed he is telling her I phoned him is that final nail in his coffin for me.

 

I will be calm and composed, I will tell him that if I get 1 more text from his W then I will be on his doorstep telling her everything...at this moment I'm glad they are away as I would be on there doorstep right now.

 

This will be our final conversation, ever.

[Angel1111]

To top it all I woke to a text this morning from his W asking why I phoned him...I PHONED HIM!!!!!

 

Wow, that is freakin' unbelievable. I think I'd have to respond to that message. These people are relentless, and he is really doing a dance for her. At your expense. This would piss me off big-time. They must be having a jolly vacation, huh?

[hopeless4u]

Wow, that is freakin' unbelievable. I think I'd have to respond to that message. These people are relentless. Must be having a jolly vacation, huh?

 

 

Ha Ha yeah I did smile to myself a little bit, I know I shouldn't:o

 

Well I guess she is a bit pissed off I didn't reply to the first text off his phone so she'd try from hers.

 

I haven't replied and I won't, mostly because I have no idea who is playing games here and I won't be dragged into either.

 

Text's can be read in so many different ways so when I respond it will be in person to both of them.

 

This time its all about ME!

[hopeless4u]

You go girl! :D:D

 

Now you are starting to see him for what he really is.....a ____ who keeps calling you and then blames on you to save his sorry ass.

 

 

To right I have and it feels sooooo good.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the lying, no backbone, cake eating Ba*tard get what is coming to him!!

 

I guess you have to go through the stages, live them and come out the other side before you can be strong enough to act on them....I am now:)

[Confused4Now]

To right I have and it feels sooooo good.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the lying, no backbone, cake eating Ba*tard get what is coming to him!!

 

I guess you have to go through the stages, live them and come out the other side before you can be strong enough to act on them....I am now:)

Nothing worse than a woman scorned.....UGH

[hopeless4u]

Nothing worse than a woman scorned.....UGH

 

 

I'm not scorned just very pissed off.

 

Do you think I should just sit back and say 'oh ok xMM, you made me look like a twat but its ok'??

[jwi71]

Do you think I should just sit back and say 'oh ok xMM, you made me look like a twat but its ok'??

 

YES.

 

NC is NC...don;t announce it, don't use it as a weapon...just do it.

 

Who effin' cares what THEY think.

 

Just disappear...

[hopeless4u]

YES.

 

NC is NC...don;t announce it, don't use it as a weapon...just do it.

 

Who effin' cares what THEY think.

 

Just disappear...

 

 

I don't care what they think, I care about how I feel.

 

I can't just disappear I work with him and yes, I'm angry.

[Fallen Angel]

I don't care what they think, I care about how I feel.

 

I can't just disappear I work with him and yes, I'm angry.

 

You have every right to be angry, as long as you use that anger towards helping yourself heal rather than using it to hurt someone else.

[silverplanets]

I'm good FO, I promise:)

 

Another text from his W that has confirmed he is telling her I phoned him is that final nail in his coffin for me.

 

I will be calm and composed, I will tell him that if I get 1 more text from his W then I will be on his doorstep telling her everything...at this moment I'm glad they are away as I would be on there doorstep right now.

 

This will be our final conversation, ever.

 

Sorry, joining this one late. I've read your orignal post and also fully agree with what you've put above .... he IS telling her that you phoned him and it IS to protect his own interests.

 

I'm glad you seem to be adopting a calm definate NO to this whole thing - in my experience KNOWING your answer is NO whatever they say is much more effective than just being angry.

 

I think this may well have done you a favour and given you a glimpse of the real truth - whatever he is saying it is clear that HE is telling her that you called him .... she wouldn't make this up herself!!

 

Here's my version of one scenario of what he might do next ....

 

He's going to get back and CALL you or email you and tell you how HARD it has been for him and how he has WANTED to call you but couldn't etc etc and then he will tell you he had no choice to lie because she found the call log.

 

He will the tell you he was MADE to write that text etc etc

 

If he;s any "good" he might do it in the following order to achieve the following aims:

 

a) He'll tell you he loves you and he's SO glad to be back in touch ... (so that you are receptive to what follows next)

b) that his holiday has been hell for him, that he almost had a heart attack when his wife found the call .. and you've no idea how bad it has been (so the attention will be on him and how hard done by he is .. ie the sympathy vote)

c) that his wife his suspiscious and that you guys will need to play it careful for a while (so that he has a reason for not leaving right now, and so that you are sucked back into HIS game)

 

It will be all "button pushing" designed (consciously or not) to return you to a position that suits him ... and he is likely to want to do it face to face so that he can look deep in your eyes and use all emotional channels to try and re-inforce his delivery.

 

YOU, however, have to realise that he has been just as convincing and (deliberately or not) manipulative with his wife .. he has done the same to her to convince her that you are hounding (and I bet he used that phrase or similar) to him ... and i bet he even said he felt sorry for you or that he would appreciate HER help in getting you away from him ... She didn't FORCE him to write that text, he has written in volunarily to support the story he has chosen to peddle.

 

This is a bit long because I am hoping that WHEN he comes back and tries to push those buttons (which he will) you will be able to see it as button pushing and just not react.

 

If you're in the right frame of mind he can hit those buttons all he wants and you can just chuckle dryly inside - for you can DISCONNECT those buttons before he returns. It sometimes help to label them.... ok , now he is hitting the sympathy button etc etc ...

 

One other thing to be aware of is that when you don't react and tell him camly that you don't want to see him any more then he will try and downgrade his request in the hope that keeping you close will reel back in at some time in the future. So he will offer to lay low for a while, give you a week or two to see how you feel or, when he feels really vunerable, will ask you to wait as he is DEFINATELY leaving now etc

 

If it does go this way and you're in the right, calm frame of mind then it can be such an eye opener to watch them "acting" out in front of you ...

 

One final thought ... before he comes back consider makign one change (like swapping your watch to the other hand) so that it's a constant reminder to yourself that you have ALREADY decided that your answer is no.

 

People can be very effective at creating a wall that tries to push you where they want you to be .... when you feel that pressure, let your watch on your other hand remind you that you DON'T need to say yes, and just mentally side step the pressure and give your calm no.

 

OK, hope this is helpful ... I'm not prying or instructing .. just you seem to really want to make this the final straw and I'm trying to illustrate to you that his behaviour is entirely predictive, focused on his needs only and does not have your best interests at heart.

 

btw - if you think that camly holding your boundary (ie no to this "relationship") is unfrair to him then remind youself that you've just seen what happens when your relationship crosses HIS boundary (ie impacts his marriage) ... he readily dumps it all on you !!!

 

So he's happily protecting HIS boundary all the time ...

 

I am sorry that you got hurt

 

Look after yourself

 

Chris

[norajane]

To right I have and it feels sooooo good.

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the lying, no backbone, cake eating Ba*tard get what is coming to him!!

 

I guess you have to go through the stages, live them and come out the other side before you can be strong enough to act on them....I am now:)

 

Does that mean you're finally going to block their numbers or change your cell number so they can't contact you anymore?

[fooled once]

See, there is a fine line between love and hate...

 

I guess I have to ask you -- why do you feel like you need to confront him? What do you hope to gain out of it? So you yell at him...then what?

 

I ask because to me, to confront him is just another way to keep contact.

 

Kinda like a kid who doesn't feel they are getting enough attention from their parent -- so they act out and figure even bad attention is better than NO attention, ya know?

 

I don't want you to hurt anymore than you are already. I want you to begin to heal. I want you to start your NEW journey in life.

 

I am not trying to be mean or hurtful --- I hope you get that from my post (hug)

[NoIDidn't]

I suspected that he was telling his BW that you were contacting him. It was pretty obvious with the way she's been watching you.

 

He is your problem. Not her.

 

I wouldn't advise you making an unexpected visit to his home to confront him after their holiday. I think you are a very sane, though heartbroken, woman. But that move will scream bunny boiler to his W, and anyone witnessing the event. You go in trying to be calm, but he lies and dodges and blames you, and you will likely "go off". Not a good idea.

 

A good idea is to just cut him out of your life, even though he works with you. You can tell her that you have not been the one initiating contact, but you have to contend with the lies he's been telling her as well. And that might not be worth it.

 

I know personally how much it hurts to walk away without having had the chance to have "your say", but it keeps you out of the drama.

 

This is the man that was reading your posts here. I wouldn't be surprised if he is still doing it.

 

You would be so much better off going as complete of NC you can with him. He's only warming up the bus again. He's not worth this drama.

[hopeless4u]

Ok I have taken the advise and blocked(well put on a auto reject list, best my phone can do) their numbers but before I had the chance to do that this happened....

 

I had decided between last night and this morning that enough was enough and I was going to go complete NC, no words with him just ignore him and do the best I could at work.....within an hour today I've had 6 calls to my mobile from their home phone, her phone and his phone, my mobile was in my bag at the time so I didn't see them.

 

When I got home my home phone rang and it was their home number....the son of a b*tch has given her my home phone number!!!!!

Needless to say they didn't leave a message but I can imagine what it would of been if they had......He is sorry blah blah, he loves me blah blah and please dont try to contact him again....I am soooo f**king mad!!

 

I want to scream at her that it wasn't me who contacted him!!

I am expecting either more calls to my home phone or a visit at my door, which I can promise won't be pretty.

 

So advice now would be welcome as I've not been the one to get in contact with him but it seems I won't be able to avoid some sort of confrontation....

[Angel1111]

This is really unbelievable. I cannot believe the way he is betraying you, and I have no idea why either of them are so intent on involving you in this. I think you're going to need to say it to her just once in a text, something like, 'I'm going to say this only once - I'm not the one calling your husband, he is calling me. Both of you need to leave me alone from this point forward because I will not answer calls or texts again from either of you.'

 

I'm with you on this one. I wouldn't say a word to him, and if he tries to talk to you, tell him, 'We have nothing to talk about. Please do not bother me ever again,' and walk away. He doesn't even deserve your anger at this point. Over and out.

[NoIDidn't]

I would tell her, as calmly as possible, and in a way that basically doesn't invite comment that all these calls need to stop.

 

She is looking for answers because SHE KNOWS he is lying, and she feels she can get them from you. She knows he's lying. But all these calls have got to STOP. I feel you on that.

 

If she does show up at your home, I hope you have a screen door so you don't have to answer it. It makes me ill to suggest it, but calling the police is an option as her calls ARE leading me to suspect that he is gaslighting the hell out of her.

 

If you are getting all these phone calls from her, can you imagine what he is saying to her? About you?

 

Time to document everything. And if you fear she is going to confront you, maybe you should preempt her and contact her first.

 

This is getting out of control. And all because of one little weasel you used to love.

[Hazyhead]

This is really unbelievable. I cannot believe the way he is betraying you, and I have no idea why either of them are so intent on involving you in this. I think you're going to need to say it to her just once in a text, something like, 'I'm going to say this only once - I'm not the one calling your husband, he is calling me. Both of you need to leave me alone from this point forward because I will not answer calls or texts again from either of you.'

 

I'm with you on this one. I wouldn't say a word to him, and if he tries to talk to you, tell him, 'We have nothing to talk about. Please do not bother me ever again,' and walk away. He doesn't even deserve your anger at this point. Over and out.

 

I agree with Angel. Contact them once more to say that you will not receive any form of contact from them and tell them that if they try you will phone the police and say that they're harassing you. I'm sorry for the mess of this situation H4U. I hope you come out of it very soon and, from now on, unscathed.

[fooled once]

I would tell her, as calmly as possible, and in a way that basically doesn't invite comment that all these calls need to stop.

 

She is looking for answers because SHE KNOWS he is lying, and she feels she can get them from you. She knows he's lying. But all these calls have got to STOP. I feel you on that.

 

If she does show up at your home, I hope you have a screen door so you don't have to answer it. It makes me ill to suggest it, but calling the police is an option as her calls ARE leading me to suspect that he is gaslighting the hell out of her.

 

If you are getting all these phone calls from her, can you imagine what he is saying to her? About you?

 

Time to document everything. And if you fear she is going to confront you, maybe you should preempt her and contact her first.

 

This is getting out of control. And all because of one little weasel you used to love.

 

But what are you going to say to the police -- someone is calling me? You can't prove WHO the calls are from.

 

This guys is unbelievable in that not only has he tossed you so far under the bus, you may as well change the brakes while you are under there, but he gave her your HOME number. Incredible!

[Angel1111]

She is looking for answers because SHE KNOWS he is lying, and she feels she can get them from you. She knows he's lying. But all these calls have got to STOP. I feel you on that.

 

The thing is, if I were married to a man who had me in this much distress, that I doubted this much, and had me doing this kind of dance, the game would be over. Period. This is the part I don't get about the wife. MM has her on pins and needles, and she's just playing right along. Insane.

[hopeless4u]

Update....his W has called me from a number of phones to my mobile and home phone so finally I get my friend to answer and the W says if I don't speak to her then she WILL come round my house(friend asked how she knows where I live, W says she found out!) so my son is at home and as much as his W is ok with everyone being involved, I'm not.

 

I rang her and said 'I won't lie to you so what are you ringing me for?'

W 'have you and H been in contact?'

ME 'yes, lots'

W 'thats all I needed to know'

 

So other things were said but the above was what she wanted to know.

 

Then xMM rang me and said his W had ended it, pretty much because I'd returned her call......all my fault!! Again lots was said but he gave the line of me and my W are over and WE (me and him) are over because I'd been honest with his W!!

 

WTF!! All my fault!

 

Still quite angry so probably missed lots out...

[Angel1111]

These people are deeeee-ranged.

 

I hope you made it clear to her that her husband was the one contacting you. He really is a piece of work blaming you for telling his wife the truth, especially when he put you in such this position, and with his wife basically threatening you. I am so sorry this has happened to you, H4U. I'll bet you never dreamed he would act this way.

 

My gut feeling - he and his wife will get back together because they seem to enjoy this stuff. They are truly twisted.

[hopeless4u]

These people are deeeee-ranged.

 

I hope you made it clear to her that her husband was the one contacting you. He really is a piece of work blaming you for telling his wife the truth, especially when he put you in such this position, and with his wife basically threatening you. I am so sorry this has happened to you, H4U. I'll bet you never dreamed he would act this way.

 

My gut feeling - he and his wife will get back together because they seem to enjoy this stuff. They are truly twisted.

 

 

I just said this to a friend...they will end up back together and I think thats what they both want/deserve.

 

I realise now that I was just a part in their game and they will both play me for as long as i'm willing...no more. A very painful lesson to learn but the lesson is well and truly learned:(

[BlueeyedJonesy]

These people are deeeee-ranged.

 

My gut feeling - he and his wife will get back together because they seem to enjoy this stuff. They are truly twisted.

 

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H. H4U, I know that you are hurting and I'm sorry for you. But PLEASE put yourself in her shoes...imagine how you are feeling?!? she isn't deeeeee-ranged. I fear for the OW that ever crosses my path because once you mess with someones H or W the gloves are off as far as words are concerned? and your upset that he gave her your number?? how do you think it feels that he gave you something thats supposed to be sacred. everyone needs to stop acting like its the BS thats crazy...this guy is a liar, a cheat, a big ass phony..and he is destroying everyone in his life.

[moaningmyrtle]

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H. H4U, I know that you are hurting and I'm sorry for you. But PLEASE put yourself in her shoes...imagine how you are feeling?!? she isn't deeeeee-ranged. I fear for the OW that ever crosses my path because once you mess with someones H or W the gloves are off as far as words are concerned? and your upset that he gave her your number?? how do you think it feels that he gave you something thats supposed to be sacred. everyone needs to stop acting like its the BS thats crazy...this guy is a liar, a cheat, a big ass phony..and he is destroying everyone in his life.

 

I'm glad you posted this.

 

His wife is unlikely to be either crazy or playing some sort of warped game with H4H.

 

After d-day one "fallout" for the OW is that her secrets are no longer secret as the MM scrambles for stable ground.

[silverplanets]

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H. H4U, I know that you are hurting and I'm sorry for you. But PLEASE put yourself in her shoes...imagine how you are feeling?!? she isn't deeeeee-ranged. I fear for the OW that ever crosses my path because once you mess with someones H or W the gloves are off as far as words are concerned? and your upset that he gave her your number?? how do you think it feels that he gave you something thats supposed to be sacred. everyone needs to stop acting like its the BS thats crazy...this guy is a liar, a cheat, a big ass phony..and he is destroying everyone in his life.

 

I agree - the W believes that the OW has been pursuing him, and he wanted the OW to to believe that the W was making him lie about her.

 

The reality is he is choosing to provide neither party with the dignity of the truth so that they can make their own informed choices - and this is playing havoc with everyone.

 

Deliberately, or not, this guys is happy to lie and cause both hurt in order to try and protect his individual interest/outcome.

 

I appreciate he may be doing it because he feels cornered, but he's only cornered because his lies are coming undone.

 

It's just a bad situation.