Could do with some insight...again!

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H. H4U, I know that you are hurting and I'm sorry for you. But PLEASE put yourself in her shoes...imagine how you are feeling?!? she isn't deeeeee-ranged. I fear for the OW that ever crosses my path because once you mess with someones H or W the gloves are off as far as words are concerned? and your upset that he gave her your number?? how do you think it feels that he gave you something thats supposed to be sacred. everyone needs to stop acting like its the BS thats crazy...this guy is a liar, a cheat, a big ass phony..and he is destroying everyone in his life.

 

I would have to agree on this. I am both a WS and a BS and let me tell you if I had access to the OW's phone number I would be perceived as one crazy b***h too. The feeling of what a BS feels at D-Day is like no other. I felt like wreaking havoc on both my H and the OW since both were a part of the A. The craziness comes in waves too, you never know when the next rage is going to hit. If I were you H4U I would block calls maybe even change your phone number.

[norajane]

this guys is happy to lie and cause both hurt in order to try and protect his individual interest/outcome.

 

And he has been doing this for the entire duration of the affair. This is not a new thing. This is who he is.

[bittersweet memories]

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H. H4U, I know that you are hurting and I'm sorry for you. But PLEASE put yourself in her shoes...imagine how you are feeling?!? she isn't deeeeee-ranged. I fear for the OW that ever crosses my path because once you mess with someones H or W the gloves are off as far as words are concerned? and your upset that he gave her your number?? how do you think it feels that he gave you something thats supposed to be sacred. everyone needs to stop acting like its the BS thats crazy...this guy is a liar, a cheat, a big ass phony..and he is destroying everyone in his life.

 

 

I totally agree with you. Crazy she is NOT..and she is not playing games. This is her life. I don't blame her for behaving this way. He is the one in fault and hopefully she will leave his sorry a s s.

[fooled once]

H4U, I am sure you are upset.

 

But like the others said, you really can't blame her. She has been lied to repeatedly and all she wanted was the truth. I am sure you had a bit of pleasure in telling her that you and he had been in contact -- LOTS.

 

but she isn't your enemy. She has been lied to by him, just like YOU have been.

 

And wasn't that nice of HIM to blame YOU for his marriage ending How about had he kept it in his pants or stopped calling you, his marriage wouldn't be in trouble!!

 

Please don't get sucked back in. Please don't talk to him tomorrow, to explain things. Please don't give him the satisfaction of any answers from you.

 

STOP talking to both of them. You are out. Let them either heal their marriage or navigate their divorce without you in it.

[ladydesigner]

H4U, I am sure you are upset.

 

But like the others said, you really can't blame her. She has been lied to repeatedly and all she wanted was the truth. I am sure you had a bit of pleasure in telling her that you and he had been in contact -- LOTS.

 

but she isn't your enemy. She has been lied to by him, just like YOU have been.

 

And wasn't that nice of HIM to blame YOU for his marriage ending How about had he kept it in his pants or stopped calling you, his marriage wouldn't be in trouble!!

 

Please don't get sucked back in. Please don't talk to him tomorrow, to explain things. Please don't give him the satisfaction of any answers from you.

 

STOP talking to both of them. You are out. Let them either heal their marriage or navigate their divorce without you in it.

 

Excellent post!

[Samantha0905]

Update....his W has called me from a number of phones to my mobile and home phone so finally I get my friend to answer and the W says if I don't speak to her then she WILL come round my house(friend asked how she knows where I live, W says she found out!) so my son is at home and as much as his W is ok with everyone being involved, I'm not.

 

I rang her and said 'I won't lie to you so what are you ringing me for?'

W 'have you and H been in contact?'

ME 'yes, lots'

W 'thats all I needed to know'

 

So other things were said but the above was what she wanted to know.

 

Then xMM rang me and said his W had ended it, pretty much because I'd returned her call......all my fault!! Again lots was said but he gave the line of me and my W are over and WE (me and him) are over because I'd been honest with his W!!

 

WTF!! All my fault!

 

Still quite angry so probably missed lots out...

 

I'm glad you talked to her. I skipped everything but the first post on this thread and then read the posts on this last page -- I can't believe he sent that text to you. Pretty tacky asking you to be in cahoots with him to deceive his wife to salvage his marriage. I wouldn't have ignored the text at his command. I would ignore him. Believe me -- it's all HIS fault.

[Stung]

...the almost 3 years of faithfulness i have given My MM just go to show what a wanton and horrible 'trashy' woman I am.

 

I guess if I was out banging a different man every couple of weeks/months as long as he was single, that would be okay. WOW.. people here have issues.

 

 

I have not finished reading this thread yet so my apologies if this has already been addressed, but: yes. In my opinion, it would of course be okay if you, as a single adult human, were conducting a plentiful sex life with other single adult humans. Hopefully you would be practicing safe sex, and everybody would be being honest with each other about their complex biological and emotional human needs. In my opinion, it is perfectly honorable to address those needs in such an aboveboard fashion and 'bang' whomever you like whenever you like as long as everyone is adult, consenting, and not lying to and hurting anyone else.

Again, in my opinion, being sexually free with single men is preferable to sleeping with someone else's husband (unless said husband is in an open/poly marriage where everything is out in the open).

 

It seems you feel that this means that I have issues. I guess you're not immune from being judgmental, after all.

Edited February 5, 2010 by Stung

[Stung]

You are right with the respect bit, I saw my xMM completely different afterwards and again after this latest text.

He has no backbone and just agrees to do as he is told...pityful really.

 

His W has told him she wants to see my face when he tells me he hates me (so he said??) and he sat there while his W told me over the phone that he wishes the A had never happened and although he thought he had 'feelings' for me he now realises everything he wants is right in front of him.....son of a bitch let me take that without a thought of how that would affect me!!

Then when we spoke he said...wait for it.....I didn't say it like that, I said I wish I had sorted the problems with our M before I started the A!!!!! Pr*ck!!

 

He's obviously lying to both of you and you can't believe a single word that falls out of his mouth; I'm very glad that you're beginning to see this for yourself, that you've had your 'lightbulb moment' and are starting to get angry. Use it. Anger can help you stand up for yourself and be strong. He's a schmuck and he's dragging two women down; I advise you to stop trying to analyze him and just get as far away from him as you can, and if I could talk to the wife I'd give her the same advice.

[Angel1111]

I'm sorry but since everyone is making his W look crazy I just have to say...I think I would be going crazy too if someone else was ****ing my H.

 

I've been in this position before and I totally understand the anger and all the other emotions. But I never contacted the OW even once. All the responsibility was on my husband and she was a non-entity in my opinion. The only person that was able to give her importance was my husband.

 

This couple seems to be deranged and sick. Most people do not involve the OW and harrass and threaten her like this. He is the one who betrayed his wife - that's what she needs to deal with. You know, if she wanted answers, that's one thing. But threatening H4U isn't the way to go about it.

Edited February 5, 2010 by Angel1111

[whichwayisup]

OK, so it's done. Over. Right? Not talking about him and his wife, who knows if she'll change her mind..

 

What I want to know HTU is, IS the A over for you? Less than afew weeks ago you were still weak in the knees by him, weak and giving in to NC, even after Dday.

 

Are you really ready to let go and never speak to him again? Not allow him to suck you back in, at some point in the future?

[whichwayisup]

Most people do not involve the OW and harrass and threaten her like this. He is the one who betrayed his wife - that's what she needs to deal with. You know, if she wanted answers, that's one thing. But threatening H4U isn't the way to go about it.

 

I'm pretty sure it was HTU idea to call or text the wife if/when MM tried to contact her after D day. She did afew threads about this not too long ago.

 

So, this isn't just about a BS involving the OW, HTU has been involved with MM and after Dday with his wife, and even then she started to regret making that promise to the wife, having convo's witih him at work etc, and not following up on what she told his wife. It's been a sick and twisted game that has involved ALL of them, not just MM and his wife.

 

Sorry to bring this up, but let's not forget HTU is married as well.

[fooled once]

Yeah, I have to agree.

 

I don't think the wife was 'threatening' anyone.

 

She was a woman who wanted answers. How else to get answers besides showing up since someone won't answer the phone.

 

The wife would not even have H4U's info if not for the cheating husband and there would be no need to even know H4U had they chose to not cheat. Not trying to be nasty, but before the wife is crucified...let's remember, she didn't start this. She was the only "innocent" in all this.

[Stung]

 

His wife is unlikely to be either crazy or playing some sort of warped game with H4H.

 

 

I agree in that it is IMPOSSIBLE for H4U, or any of us, to know what is really going on in their house, in their marriage. It's possible that the wife is, as she has been negatively painted here, a deranged, controlling, manipulative liar, engaged in some kind of sick Machiavellian mindgame with her H and his mistress...but I am wary of making such a lazy assumption. It is, after all, just as easy to read her actions as those of a woman who has been gaslit into oblivion and is struggling to regain her sense of what is actually happening in her own life, a woman who is just floundering a bit as she tries to figure out how best to save her marriage.

 

Whichever your interpretation, it seems obvious to me she has been fighting for her marriage, and in fighting for her marriage she has used tactics some people here don't approve of -- to be honest, my reaction to that is a big shrug. Obviously the W has not approved of a lot of the things being done to her lately, either. So what if some of us would have reacted differently, many of us wouldn't have, and some of us would have reacted far worse to that kind of gaslighting. People are all different and have individual emotional barometers and defense mechanisms.

 

Hopefully in this last exchange with H4U she finally got the truth she'd been so persistently seeking, that the contact had never ended. This simple piece of info should be enough to tell her that her husband is a liar beyond redemption; as she seems to have told her H the marriage was over, it appears she has finally figured out her M was no longer worth the fight. Ideally now she will be able to move on and find some peace, and H4U will be able to do the same. Let this pathetic man rot on his lonesome.

 

H4U I get it that you are enraged right now. I hope you will use the anger to stay strong in staying AWAY from this guy and not to open a door into a new, ever-more twisted layer of your already dysfunctional relationship with him. He is still manipulating you, still pulling the strings of your emotional response. Cut the strings. Block everything. Walk away.

[White Flower]

I just don't see the wife "harrassing and threatening" her. I think her world was turned upside down, and she just wanted answers. Sure, she called lots of times, probably simply out of a sense of desperation to get at the truth. Anyone who wants to label her as "deranged", or whatever the other derogatory term that was used was, probably needs to put themselves in her position. And again, as always, I will point out that I am a former OW, and have never been a BW. But I can always see all sides.

I admit I did not read the whole thread but having said that I agree with you. I know that I went a little ballistic after D-day and if I have the right to call a few times so does the BW. Did I say few? LOL, OK, maybe more than a few. Not that he knows it since his phone was turned off a lot of the time.

 

No matter what part of the 'triangle' you're on, there is an urgent sense of needing answers (unless you're a head-burier) and the usual place to get them is from MM.

 

To the OP, you're in such a catch-22. You finally put her mind at ease with some answers and now he's upset with you for being honest. Funny how he needed your honesty to be happy in the A but now he's all mad at you. What a cake-eater. If he really wanted one or the other he'd be concilliating one of you now. Hang in there and if she calls again remember to tell her what you want her to know, not just what she wants to know. She's not thinking clearly because of her pain and may not even know what to ask so take the opportunity to be clear-minded if you can and set the whole thing straight.

[Angel1111]

I just don't see the wife "harrassing and threatening" her. I think her world was turned upside down, and she just wanted answers. Sure, she called lots of times, probably simply out of a sense of desperation to get at the truth. Anyone who wants to label her as "deranged", or whatever the other derogatory term that was used was, probably needs to put themselves in her position. And again, as always, I will point out that I am a former OW, and have never been a BW. But I can always see all sides.

 

You guys make good points about the wife and her feelings. I understand what you're saying. The reason I said that they are harassing and threatening H4U is because this has been going on for several days now, and then the wife said that if H4U didn't talk, she was going to show up at her door. This is a threatening statement and it puts a person in fear.

 

And I also see everyone's point about the fact that the OW is putting herself in this position by having an affair with a MM. But if it were me, I would be more furious with MM for betraying me in such a way - and I think that's what H4U is fuming about. I know everyone loves to make the comparison about how he's betraying his wife, so what do you expect. But many people in affairs are very devoted to one another and the feelings run deep. Because of that, when this kind of thing happens to the OW, she feels very stung and exposed because MM didn't defend her. I would've been crushed had my xMM ever done this kind of thing to me.

 

There are just so many ways to look at affairs and so many ways to point the finger. So, I probably shouldn't have been so hard on the W, and maybe we would show a little mercy to H4U. After all this, it seems they've both been taken. More than anything, I'm stunned at MM and the things he's saying and doing. It's very sad. After all this contact with H4U by his W, he should've put the brakes on and come clean about the whole thing. Not only to keep H4U out of the war, but also to stop hurting his W with lies. But he apparently isn't man enough to do either.

[Angel1111]

H4U is married? Did I miss something??

 

I don't think she's married. If she is, I missed that, too.

[WhereToGoFromHere]

I don't think she's married. If she is, I missed that, too.

 

No. H4U is not married.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry H, I got you mixed up with another Ow who is married. My mistake.

[NoIDidn't]

In all that has happened, I'm surprised no one has mentioned the glaring CONTACT that STILL is going on between H4U and MM. That, and the fact that while H4U says she doesn't want "everyone" involved, she had a FRIEND speak to the W. A friend that had nothing to do with the situation, but supposedly no one else is involved.

 

This is drama. Practically a circus at this point. All behind an A. A guy didn't honor his vows, and found a willing accomplice to accomplish that end. The gig was up, time to pay the piper, but they blame their "victim" for refusing such status.

 

Blaming the BW for this drama is pointless. She didn't ask for ANY of this. I might not like the fact that she's been calling over and over and over again, but if the people who promised her NC would have actually done so, none of this would have happened. THIS is what happens when you lie to people and they know it.

 

Stop the contact, and you stop the drama. Anything less than that implies you are asking for it, IMO. To even take his call, or read the text, or however he CONTINUES to break NC keeps the drama coming. Now words said in anger ("its over" by the BW) will be used against her by people not even in her marriage.

 

Why is anyone calling his W deranged? She knew she was being lied to. She wanted answers. She now has them. The BW is not playing a game, but she seems surrounded by players, whether they admit to it or not.

[silverplanets]

 

Then xMM rang me and said his W had ended it, pretty much because I'd returned her call......all my fault!! Again lots was said but he gave the line of me and my W are over and WE (me and him) are over because I'd been honest with his W!!

 

 

The answer is in his actions ...

 

a) He chose to stay with his wife originally

b) When cornered he chose to paint the OP as chasing him (in order to keep his wife)

c) When his wife has dumped him he transferred blame to the OP and "dumped" her (which has the added bonus of allowing him to say to his wife that he has dumped the OW ,creating space for him to beg his wife to have him back and, I would imagine, keeping the OW's truth away from his wife whilst he spins a revised story)

 

His actions are not those of someone who has any attention of leaving. His actions are those of someone whose had one of his boundries crossed.

 

Whilst his boundries weren't crossed there was no consequence to his undying promises yadda yadda to the OP .. so he could say (and did) what the hell he liked ...

 

Since his boundry has been crossed he has stuck up for it like a trooper .. and in a kind of a sick way you have to admire him for that .. when it really mattered to him he's used every trick in the book to try and protect his interest.

 

OP - this is not about him (or the wife) this is about you and your boundries.

 

Please just walk away from the pair of them ("thrown him out" can mean a lot of things) ... and leave them to their own choice of drama.

 

In one way it really is as simple as that - you have no legal, moral or emotional responsibilty for both of them - they are both adults.

 

Your responibility is only to yourself.

 

Clear your head, work through the emotional/grief stage and re-build your own boundries so you have something of your own worth protecting.

 

be safe

Chris

[hopeless4u]

To many posts to answer seperately but I can assure you all that I will not be going back there, I won't be taking any calls or texts (from either of them) and I certainly won't be allowing him to suck me back in.

[Angel1111]

To many posts to answer seperately but I can assure you all that I will not be going back there, I won't be taking any calls or texts (from either of them) and I certainly won't be allowing him to suck me back in.

 

Yeah, I got the impression that you became fed up a few days ago.

 

So, isn't he back at the office today? I'm guessing not - you didn't mention it. Hope you're doing ok.

[hopeless4u]

Yeah, I got the impression that you became fed up a few days ago.

 

So, isn't he back at the office today? I'm guessing not - you didn't mention it. Hope you're doing ok.

 

 

Yes he was back at work today but didn't come in my office.....don't think he dare!!

 

He has a meeting at my office next week but he can get out of it if he wants to I'm sure.

 

I really just don't care anymore, I don't even hate him TBH, I just feel nothing....nothing at all.

 

Everything about him is false.