missing long ago love

[confused]

About six years ago I got together with a wonderful guy. We were great together, and I loved him so much. We went to different colleges to date others and make sure we were "the ones" just to be safe as we were planning marriage. Well, I got away from him and realized just how many other guys out there were so much more like me (I'd grown up in a small town and there wasn't a lot of pickins) I met someone else and fell in love, and truly was over the first, or so I thought. I got married, and have been almost 3 years now, and have a 1 year old baby who is my world. The thing is, for a long time now (over a year) while I do love my husband, I think daily about my ex and at night he's the one in my dreams, not my husband. I truly think about my ex several times a day, and I spend forever doing the "what if" game. This can't be healthy, can it? I'll never leave my husband and son...I'm too committed. So how can I find closure? Please, I need advice!

[Randy]

You don't need closure. You just need to understand that it's a tendency in all humans to look back and wonder how things might have been different if....

 

It is also quite common to idealize someone who was in our past. The mind is an incredible thing. With it, we can be in total control of all the circumstances. We can love anybody and they can love us back. In our mind, we can make passionate love with anyone we want. We can even fly over cities. We can do anything.

 

Reality has a way of putting our imaginings into serious perspective.

 

You may think of this other guy until the day you die. You are in total control of that. But I hope you will resolve to enjoy your present family that you have made the commitment to.

 

If you really think about it, no contact with this ex, no affair, no interaction whatsoever would really give you closure because you've still got your imagination to contend with. Why not structure some sort of closure in your mind.

[billy the kid]

Dear Confused, you may never find closure. let me tell you a couple of stories, if I may. while at my dad's funeral I was staying at my stepmother( whom I dearly love also) any way I went to the corner store for some cigaretts, and the clerk was the cutest little thing, and also very personiable. she struck up a friendly conversation which lasted for a few minutes. I told her why I was in town and asked her if when she got off if she would like to go out for a drink or coffee. so she says sure and that she would swing by my dad's house after work and pick me up. so I went back home and told my oldest brother about my chance encounter (2 older brothers and 1 older sister). so about 10:10 pm she pulls up to the curve out side my dad's house. I went out and got in the car and we sat talking for a minute or two when all of a sudden the electric garage door starts to open with the lights on inside, then the lights out side go on and my brothers and sister are standing there with place cards with numbers on them. like judges at some kind of meet. we all thought it was funny, then this girl and I went out for a while.. we had a really nice time considering the circumstances. we never talked again, cuz I buried my father and went home, but I know that if we would have had more time together something would have become of us. And today I still think about her. I hate long posts so I will skip the second story, It is just as nice and I will never forget the second either. so It is ok to have past thoughts that are so memoriable, but don't let that hurt the present cuz soon that will be past also, and if we all could have the past be great look at all the great memories. of course we all have a little bad in the past, so make the best of what you have now and just "remember" the past...congratulations on the baby and loving husband.

About six years ago I got together with a wonderful guy. We were great together, and I loved him so much. We went to different colleges to date others and make sure we were "the ones" just to be safe as we were planning marriage. Well, I got away from him and realized just how many other guys out there were so much more like me (I'd grown up in a small town and there wasn't a lot of pickins) I met someone else and fell in love, and truly was over the first, or so I thought. I got married, and have been almost 3 years now, and have a 1 year old baby who is my world. The thing is, for a long time now (over a year) while I do love my husband, I think daily about my ex and at night he's the one in my dreams, not my husband. I truly think about my ex several times a day, and I spend forever doing the "what if" game. This can't be healthy, can it? I'll never leave my husband and son...I'm too committed. So how can I find closure? Please, I need advice!

[Suspicious]

Great advice Randy. Very insightful and well communicated. In fact, it sounds very similar to a post our old pal Tony might make....

You don't need closure. You just need to understand that it's a tendency in all humans to look back and wonder how things might have been different if.... It is also quite common to idealize someone who was in our past. The mind is an incredible thing. With it, we can be in total control of all the circumstances. We can love anybody and they can love us back. In our mind, we can make passionate love with anyone we want. We can even fly over cities. We can do anything. Reality has a way of putting our imaginings into serious perspective. You may think of this other guy until the day you die. You are in total control of that. But I hope you will resolve to enjoy your present family that you have made the commitment to. If you really think about it, no contact with this ex, no affair, no interaction whatsoever would really give you closure because you've still got your imagination to contend with. Why not structure some sort of closure in your mind.

[Jane]

I'd be curious to know your age? Have you ever heard of the seven year itch? Manogamy is not a natural instinct for humans. This is why you find yourself thinking of another. It's ok. Time will take away the anguish this may be causing you. In the meantime, remember what your life was like before you started having these thoughts? Go back to that place, go about your day. You will find you'll stop thinking of him every minute. You'll get a sense of yourself again. But...you may find yourself in this place again someday - don't fight it. It's natural. It doesn't mean you love your husband any less.