What are the chances?

[MARINE_ONE]

What are the chances my stbx will actually marry this other married man in the future? Does anyone know of any statistics on this? Is it really possible that this guy will divorce his wife and marry mine? Or is this just infatuation with them because they dated in junior high?

 

Does anyone here have any experiences to share? Thanks!!

[Culthbert]

From what I've read, the chances are very low that they will ever marry - and the chances are pretty low he will leave his wife for her.

 

If they do marry, the odds of divorce are very, very high.

 

Makes sense of you think about it. Once the rush of "new love" fades away - as it inevitably will - they will each have in the back of their minds the fact that when the going got tough, their new partner looked outside their (previous) marriage. Kind of hard to build a solid foundation on the sand.

[seibert253]

I think the majority of the OM's don't leave the W for the AP. Too much to lose and throw away.

A. House

B. Cars

C. Children

D. Half of their income

 

When the BW finds out about the A, and starts talking D, logic hits quickly and the WW goes under the bus.

 

Marine, does the OM's W know what's going on. She needs to, can be a valuble ally

[freestyle]

The statistics that I have encountered :

 

Only 3 to 5% of relationships that result from infidelity are successful.

 

Eventually people wake up and realize that the person that they ran away to be with is someone capable of behaving dishonestly, if it suits their agenda.

 

so, if it's any consolation............your stbx is not likely to have found greener grass.

 

I agree with the other posters about alerting the OM's wife. If the roles were reversed, would you be grateful for someone tipping you off?

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this..........

[whichwayisup]

My guess is, your stbxw is going to look back with such regret one day and wonder wtf she was doing/thinking..

 

99% more than likely MM won't divorce his wife. Let alone your ex and him getting married and starting a new life together.

[MARINE_ONE]

All these replies made me feel so much better. Thank u all. For some reason I just can't stand thinking that the OM could possibly have a happy life with my wife. I really need to stop thinking about all of this!!

[SleepingDog]

Marine, if you want to make sure that W and OM do not have a happy life, you need to blow his cover to his wife, parents, colleages etc.

 

What people in an affair do is that they kid themselves that they are not having a sordid tryst but a tragic love affair . They were held prisoner in their previously unhappy relationship by their unsympathetic spouse, and their affair partner liberated them. Sure, they'll say, it wasn't an ideal set up, but they have at least found their soulmate.

 

This is what they will say to each other and their friends. Just read OW postings on this and other sites.

 

Neither of them will realise (or care about) the extent of misery they have caused you and your family.

 

You need to grab both of them by the scruff of the neck and rub their noses in the big stinking crap they have taken in the middle of the carpet that is your life.

 

I may not have made the best decision by staying with my wife, but I did make sure that neither of them would have happy memories of the affair. Thinking of my revenge still puts a smile on my face. One of my regrets is that I did not make it even more public than I did.

 

Also, remember, this guy will be scared of you.

 

I agree with the others that they will eventually f**k up their lives. Why not help them a little on the way.

Edited February 2, 2010 by SleepingDog

[jennie-jennie]

I do not think it is as uncommon as we are led to believe on LS. That study with 3% was a very small study indeed and nothing to rely upon. I find this much more interesting and reliable:

 

According to a study called the International Sexuality Description Project, where 17,000 people from 53 countries were polled, 20% of long term relationships start as an affair, ie when one or both partners are involved with others.

 

So 1 out of every 5 long term relationships starts as an affair.

Edited February 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[reboot]

I do not think it is as uncommon as we are led to believe on LS. That study with 3% was a very small study indeed and nothing to rely upon. I find this much more interesting and reliable:

 

According to a study called the International Sexuality Description Project, where 17,000 people from 53 countries were polled, 20% of long term relationships start as an affair, ie when one or both partners are involved with others.

 

So 1 out of every 5 long term relationships starts as an affair.

 

You are absolutely correct about the first bolded quote.

 

However, what you said about that study could absolutely also be said about the second one.

 

Isn't it funny how we choose to believe whatever suits us best?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

The way I see it marine, she is willing to leave her H and kids for some other MM...What kind of mother leaves her kids?? Anyone who is capable of that will more than likely self distruct or constanly chase the bigger better deal. So you probably won't have to worry about his D bag being a permanent thing...

[jwi71]

I do not think it is as uncommon as we are led to believe on LS. That study with 3% was a very small study indeed and nothing to rely upon. I find this much more interesting and reliable:

 

According to a study called the International Sexuality Description Project, where 17,000 people from 53 countries were polled, 20% of long term relationships start as an affair, ie when one or both partners are involved with others.

 

So 1 out of every 5 long term relationships starts as an affair.

 

You know Jennie-Jennie, you've cited this more than once.

 

So I read it. At least the paper published pertaining ot mate poaching (where one partner is currently attached and is "poached" by another ot leave for that person).

 

And THAT paper contradicts what you quote.

 

I quote:

 

"In almost every region we studied, around 10% of romantic relation-

ships were the result of mate poaching, and around 3% were the

result of two people poaching one another out of their old relationships and into a new mateship. Mate poaching, it appears, can

lead to the successful development of new romantic partnerships.

How long these poaching-based relationships will last is an important question for future research."

 

It should also be noted that the sample is largely drawn from college students. This is clearly stated at the beginning of the paper.

 

I googled "International Sexuality Description Project results" and read the paper on Mate poaching by Dr. Shmidtt.

 

Jennie-Jennie...the paper I read seems to contradict your 20% assertion.

 

Do you have a link?

[Samantha0905]

I almost posted a reply yesterday and quoted statistics -- but they can be so misleading.

 

I truly believe in the "affair fog" and can imagine many people who leave their spouses regret having done so. Once they start seeing their new person in a clearer light, they realize it wasn't a good decision. There is not a person out there as "perfect" as we see an AP when in a troubled marriage. It's just a delusion.

 

I will say having been a CS, as time went on my AP seemed much less perfect. With a clearer head, I see that cheating was simply that -- lying to and betraying my spouse. I was willing to sleep with someone outside of my marriage and my AP was someone who was okay with sleeping with someone who is married. I mostly think both actions were rooted in a lot of personal insecurities on both my part and my AP's part -- plus, a lack of character and integrity on both of our parts. I wish him the best, but strongly feel single people should not sleep with married people. Married people should not have affairs.

 

In retrospect, I also see the excuses I used -- not happy sexually, lonely, having a terrible time adjusting to an empty nest, etc. They're all just excuses as far as the affair was concerned. There's obviously a better way to handle problems in a marriage. If a person can't work through reasons they're unhappy, they should exit the marriage and not see anyone for a while -- at least until legally divorced.

 

Judging from your posts, your wife is all about self right now. If what you say is true about how she is acting and treating your children, you should take care of your children and yourself. Perhaps some IC would help you.

 

Even though it's probably best you not worry about whether she and OM work out, I know it's only human nature. I doubt they will work out long term. Odds are certainly against it. The fact he is still married makes the odds against it even greater they will not skip off into happily ever after.

Edited February 2, 2010 by Samantha0905

[jennie-jennie]

You are absolutely correct about the first bolded quote.

 

However, what you said about that study could absolutely also be said about the second one.

 

Isn't it funny how we choose to believe whatever suits us best?

 

I can't see how you can say that a study of 17,000 people from 53 countries is small and therefore unreliable?

[jennie-jennie]

You know Jennie-Jennie, you've cited this more than once.

 

So I read it. At least the paper published pertaining ot mate poaching (where one partner is currently attached and is "poached" by another ot leave for that person).

 

And THAT paper contradicts what you quote.

 

I quote:

 

"In almost every region we studied, around 10% of romantic relation-

ships were the result of mate poaching, and around 3% were the

result of two people poaching one another out of their old relationships and into a new mateship. Mate poaching, it appears, can

lead to the successful development of new romantic partnerships.

How long these poaching-based relationships will last is an important question for future research."

 

It should also be noted that the sample is largely drawn from college students. This is clearly stated at the beginning of the paper.

 

I googled "International Sexuality Description Project results" and read the paper on Mate poaching by Dr. Shmidtt.

 

Jennie-Jennie...the paper I read seems to contradict your 20% assertion.

 

Do you have a link?

 

What I wrote does not contradict what you are posting, since what I said was about long term relationships and yours was not.

[reboot]

I can't see how you can say that a study of 17,000 people from 53 countries is small and therefore unreliable?

 

67% of statistics are made up on the spot.

[jwi71]

What I wrote does not contradict what you are posting, since what I said was about long term relationships and yours was not.

 

What paper where you referring to?

Can you point it out to me?

 

I'd like to read it...as it flies in the face of "Accepted" research...

[jennie-jennie]

What paper where you referring to?

Can you point it out to me?

 

I'd like to read it...as it flies in the face of "Accepted" research...

 

You can find it on Wikipedia under "Infidelity":

"In a recent survey of 16,000 university students in 53 countries, 20% of long term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else."

 

This is from the paper you were referring to, which is closer to the source:

 

"Perhaps most compelling, Schmitt and Buss (2001) found that

15% of people currently in romantic relationships reported that

their current relationship directly resulted from mate poaching,

either because they poached their current mate or because they

were poached into the relationship by their current mate. Because

these rates are based only on people’s current romantic partnerships,

the actual occurrence rates of effective long-term mate

poaching may be well above 15%. Finally, around 3% of current

relationships resulted from both partners having poached each

other out of previous relationships, a comparatively infrequent

form that may be termed the “copoached” relationship. Overall,

the Schmitt and Buss (2001) study painted a portrait of human

mating replete with poaching-related experiences."

 

"Accepted research" is that that tiny 3% study on the airport?

Edited February 2, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[whichwayisup]

You can find it on Wikipedia under "Infidelity":

 

People make stuff up on Wiki. That's not a reliable source, let alone 100% factual/true.

[jennie-jennie]

People make stuff up on Wiki. That's not a reliable source, let alone 100% factual/true.

 

Well, the study exists so the question would then be if Wikipedia cited it correctly. I haven't read the entire 25 page long paper which jwi is referring to, but from the passage I quoted a minimum of 15% seems to be correct.

[jwi71]

You can find it on Wikipedia under "Infidelity":

"In a recent survey of 16,000 university students in 53 countries, 20% of long term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else."

 

This is from the paper you were referring to, which is closer to the source:

 

"Perhaps most compelling, Schmitt and Buss (2001) found that

15% of people currently in romantic relationships reported that

their current relationship directly resulted from mate poaching,

either because they poached their current mate or because they

were poached into the relationship by their current mate. Because

these rates are based only on people’s current romantic partnerships,

the actual occurrence rates of effective long-term mate

poaching may be well above 15%. Finally, around 3% of current

relationships resulted from both partners having poached each

other out of previous relationships, a comparatively infrequent

form that may be termed the “copoached” relationship. Overall,

the Schmitt and Buss (2001) study painted a portrait of human

mating replete with poaching-related experiences."

 

"Accepted research" is that that tiny 3% study on the airport?

 

Haha...that's why you don't use wikipedia as a source. Any dolt can post there...accurately or not.

 

I quoted directly from Schdmitt's paper. He says 10%. The quote I posted is just that...a direct copy and paste.

 

You can follow the google instructions I set forth and can read the paper yourself...he clearly and unequivocally states 10% and the duration of such is not known.

 

In fact...Tony I hope I can link to an academic research paper posted for public consumption by the papers author. If not...edit my post and PM me...

 

http://www.bradley.edu/academics/las/psy/facstaff/schmitt/laboratory.shtml

 

This is the link where he publishes the main findings of the project. You want the Mate Poaching Report.

 

Jennie-Jennie...NEVER use wikipedia as a source...its sometimes wrong...like here.

[jennie-jennie]

Let's face it, people. LS postings are generally very pro-marriage and not very representative of reality in my opinion. From what I have gathered the last days only 35% of marriages survive an affair. 15-20% of long term relationships (at least among a large body of college students) start as affairs. Apparently most of the WS then end up without both the BS and the OP, although the prevalation of WS/OP long term relationships seems to be greater than previously stated here on LS.

[whichwayisup]

Apparently most of the WS then end up without both the BS and the OP.

100% agree with ya there.

[jennie-jennie]

Haha...that's why you don't use wikipedia as a source. Any dolt can post there...accurately or not.

 

I quoted directly from Schdmitt's paper. He says 10%. The quote I posted is just that...a direct copy and paste.

 

You can follow the google instructions I set forth and can read the paper yourself...he clearly and unequivocally states 10% and the duration of such is not known.

 

In fact...Tony I hope I can link to an academic research paper posted for public consumption by the papers author. If not...edit my post and PM me...

 

http://www.bradley.edu/academics/las/psy/facstaff/schmitt/laboratory.shtml

 

This is the link where he publishes the main findings of the project. You want the Mate Poaching Report.

 

Jennie-Jennie...NEVER use wikipedia as a source...its sometimes wrong...like here.

 

Huh, I quoted the same paper as you did and it stated 15% and likely more. Also direct copy and paste.

 

By the way, Wikipedia was not the source I used, just the one I referred to here on LS. If you want to read the article I read, it is linked to on Wiki.

[Disintegration]

I don't think that the OM will ever leave his W, if that was really the case wouldn't he have done it by now? Your W is most likely in denial. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side but I bet her whole fling with that married man will not last and one day she will realize what she lost. How could one really believe that starting a relationship based on lies and infidelity will last? If they can do it with you they can do it to you. Sorry you are dealing with this, I hope you and your children can get through this rough time.

[jennie-jennie]

Anybody know where you can read about the 3% study?