What are the chances?

[jennie-jennie]

Have you actually read his posts? You know, the ones where his wife leaves their children with someone else while she spends days on end away from them to be with the other man? You don't think that's negative for his children?

 

Unbelievable.

 

No, I admit to not reading all of his posts. But since I am in a long distance relationship myself, my children have been taken care of others as well while I have visited MM. I see no harm in that, as long as you make sure they are being well taken care of.

[reboot]

People come here looking for help and for answers. Those that choose to try to help them really have no right to sit in judgment of them. Self-righteousness has no place here. I suddenly remember why I stopped coming here 2 years ago.

[MARINE_ONE]

No, I admit to not reading all of his posts. But since I am in a long distance relationship myself, my children have been taken care of others as well while I have visited MM. I see no harm in that, as long as you make sure they are being well taken care of.

 

Hahaha. You are hilarious!! I am sure your kids love the fact that you choose to spend time with someone elses husband instead of time with them. I know my children are happy about my stbxw doing it. (that is sarcasm of course)

 

Dont be surprised when you wake up one day to find you are alone and your kids don't want to be around you, because they will find someone who puts their priorities first.

 

I really hope you don't come back here looking for supprort when karma finds it's way to you.

[jennie-jennie]

People come here looking for help and for answers. Those that choose to try to help them really have no right to sit in judgment of them. Self-righteousness has no place here. I suddenly remember why I stopped coming here 2 years ago.

 

I too came here looking for help and answers. I participated in this thread only because I was interested in the statistics. I was saddened to see how I was treated by the OP and others. Thereof my response that the statistics for his wife was better than average.

[jennie-jennie]

it was removed because you asked them to

 

I reported zwieback's post, not Marine_One's. And even when a post is reported, it is up to the moderators whether to delete it or not.

[jennie-jennie]

Hahaha. You are hilarious!! I am sure your kids love the fact that you choose to spend time with someone elses husband instead of time with them. I know my children are happy about my stbxw doing it. (that is sarcasm of course)

 

Dont be surprised when you wake up one day to find you are alone and your kids don't want to be around you, because they will find someone who puts their priorities first.

 

I really hope you don't come back here looking for supprort when karma finds it's way to you.

 

As I have stated before, I see no contradiction between caring about what is best for my kids and what is best for me. I have a very good relationship with all of my kids. I love them and they love me. I am the stable and caring adult in their lives. I have raised them mostly by myself. They want nothing but the best for their mom, and they do not see me spending time with the man I love as taking time away from them.

 

I believe that by showing them that I as an adult also have the right to a full life, they in turn will be able to lead fullfilling lives as adults while still caring for their children just like I care for them.

[MARINE_ONE]

As I have stated before, I see no contradiction between caring about what is best for my kids and what is best for me. I have a very good relationship with all of my kids. I love them and they love me. I am the stable and caring adult in their lives. I have raised them mostly by myself. They want nothing but the best for their mom, and they do not see me spending time with the man I love as taking time away from them.

 

I believe that by showing them that I as an adult also have the right to a full life, they in turn will be able to lead fullfilling lives as adults while still caring for their children just like I care for them.

 

So you think teaching them that it is ok to sleep with a married man is a good thing? Delusional much?

[MARINE_ONE]

I am sorry but I have lost all respect for your opinions. So please feel free to never comment on a thread created by me. Thanks!!

[zwieback.toast]

I am sorry but I have lost all respect for your opinions. So please feel free to never comment on a thread created by me. Thanks!!

 

 

Actually I think jennie-jennie's point of view should be expressed, it's very important to have insight into how someone in her position looks at things.

[realworldexplorer]

Marine One

 

Sorry you have to endure the selfish tripe of the DARK SIDE, whilst enduring your awful pain. That is what you get here on LS, you get to see what makes all kinds of people tick. There are givers in life and takers. You sound reasonable and put your kids first (its to bad that your eternally connected to your selfish wife this way) but you know right from wrong and are steeled in your convictions. You will recover and move on to something good and your wife will have to deal with her demons. It amazes and saddens me that people can do so much harm to someone they are connected to through children, are so selfish and irresponsible to the one they vowed to protect, cherish and care for, all to pursue some narcissistic fantasy world. Don't worry though, reality will intervene at some point and the piper will have to be paid. Take what you can use here to help yourself and leave the rest behind.

[zwieback.toast]

Marine One

 

Sorry you have to endure the selfish tripe of the DARK SIDE, whilst enduring your awful pain. That is what you get here on LS, you get to see what makes all kinds of people tick. There are givers in life and takers. You sound reasonable and put your kids first (its to bad that your eternally connected to your selfish wife this way) but you know right from wrong and are steeled in your convictions. You will recover and move on to something good and your wife will have to deal with her demons. It amazes and saddens me that people can do so much harm to someone they are connected to through children, are so selfish and irresponsible to the one they vowed to protect, cherish and care for, all to pursue some narcissistic fantasy world. Don't worry though, reality will intervene at some point and the piper will have to be paid. Take what you can use here to help yourself and leave the rest behind.

 

Yes I agree with this, Marine One.

 

You love your children, you're happy you had them, wouldn't give them up for anything, no?

 

Going forward just view your soon to be x wife as having served as the "fetus incubation unit." She was necessary to be in your life to implant your DNA and gestate your offspring. Along the way, you had some laughs, you had some pain.

 

But, her primary role in your life was to be the repository of your offspring while they developed to term. As for the rest, the emotional part, put it out of your mind, no regrets.

 

After all in order to have your children you had to impregnate someone.

[anne1707]

Do you actually know where Europe is??? I agree with JJ - divorce is unstigmatised in MOST of Europe and is almost a surprise if someone is not on their second marriage. I know lots of people very happily on their second marriage. After all, people are usually much older and wiser when they enter that.

 

Sorry for T/J but I need to reply to this

 

Yes I do know where Europe is seeing as I live in Europe! I am also more than happy to say I live in England.

 

My point was that JJ was implying that in Europe, divorce is totally accepted, not seen as a big thing and that religion never plays a part in how divorce is viewed. I can certainly think of several Catholic countries in Europe that would not see divorce as simply as JJ suggests.

 

I was also not criticising those in a second marriage. How could I when I am in one myself! I was also not expressing my personal views of divorce rather I felt JJ was making an incorrect generalisation.

 

JJ - sorry, as far as I was concerned this was a closed matter but I needed to respond to this poster's comments.

[jennie-jennie]

that's not how it works, if i am one of the moderator i will definitely delete the post since you won't feel safe if i don't.....

 

You are wrong. I have reported posts which the moderators have left untouched, since they did not share my view of them.

[jennie-jennie]

Yes I agree with this, Marine One.

 

You love your children, you're happy you had them, wouldn't give them up for anything, no?

 

Going forward just view your soon to be x wife as having served as the "fetus incubation unit." She was necessary to be in your life to implant your DNA and gestate your offspring. Along the way, you had some laughs, you had some pain.

 

But, her primary role in your life was to be the repository of your offspring while they developed to term. As for the rest, the emotional part, put it out of your mind, no regrets.

 

After all in order to have your children you had to impregnate someone.

 

I can understand being upset with a wife because she has cheated on you. But to minimize the importance of your entire marriage and relationship together? I will never understand those who can not think appreciatively of the good times spent even if the relationship/marriage ended badly.

[jennie-jennie]

Not alarming in my opinon, but consistent with what we here in Europe call serial monogamy, ie that each adult is likely to have 4-5 serious long term relationships during their lifetime. It is time you Americans put that antiquated idea of lifelong marriage away.

 

Sorry for T/J but I need to reply to this

 

Yes I do know where Europe is seeing as I live in Europe! I am also more than happy to say I live in England.

 

My point was that JJ was implying that in Europe, divorce is totally accepted, not seen as a big thing and that religion never plays a part in how divorce is viewed. I can certainly think of several Catholic countries in Europe that would not see divorce as simply as JJ suggests.

 

I was also not criticising those in a second marriage. How could I when I am in one myself! I was also not expressing my personal views of divorce rather I felt JJ was making an incorrect generalisation.

 

JJ - sorry, as far as I was concerned this was a closed matter but I needed to respond to this poster's comments.

 

I must correct you here, Anne. Other than in the post of mine quoted above, I did not mention Europe. In all the other posts I was just talking about my own country. So the only thing I said about Europe is that we talk about "serial monogamy" here. Is that not correct?

[Disintegration]

I can understand being upset with a wife because she has cheated on you. But to minimize the importance of your entire marriage and relationship together? I will never understand those who can not think appreciatively of the good times spent even if the relationship/marriage ended badly.

 

 

I think once the Marriage is betrayed the last thing on your mind is "the good times". If the marriage was so important why would someone cheat? Cheating minimizes the marriage to begin with. I will never understand those who cheat.

[anne1707]

Not alarming in my opinon, but consistent with what we here in Europe call serial monogamy, ie that each adult is likely to have 4-5 serious long term relationships during their lifetime. It is time you Americans put that antiquated idea of lifelong marriage away.

 

I must correct you here, Anne. Other than in the post of mine quoted above, I did not mention Europe. In all the other posts I was just talking about my own country. So the only thing I said about Europe is that we talk about "serial monogamy" here. Is that not correct?

 

 

But your post mentioning Europe implies that Europeans see a lifelong marriage as antiquated. This is exactly what I am getting at as an over generalisation.

Edited February 5, 2010 by anne1707

[jennie-jennie]

But your post mentioning Europe implies that Europeans see a lifelong marriage as antiquated. This is exactly what I am getting at as an over generalisation.

 

I admit there is some truth in what you are saying above about this particular post. It could be interpreted as that.

 

Not superior, just forerunners.

 

LOL In my country divorce is not seen as such a catastrophy as you picture it here. It is seen as the end of something and the beginning of something new. I believe divorce ratings are even higher here than in the US. But then we are not as governed by religion as you are.

 

Who's presuming? I was just talking out of my own experience, where I see religion being important to the American people overall, whereas it is pretty insignificant in my country. What I meant is that religion influences the way you look at marriage and divorce, but that is not true for us.

 

"Socioeconomic chaos" is not something I would say is the consequence of divorce here.

 

But as you can see the following posts only mention my country, and therefore what you stated above in post #92 about what I was implying about divorce and religion is incorrect.

 

I don't want to be finicky, but neither do I like words being put in my mouth that I have never said.

Edited February 5, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[anne1707]

I don't want to be finicky, but neither do I like words being put in my mouth that I have never said.

 

Just as I don't like over generalisations

[jennie-jennie]

Just as I don't like over generalisations

 

Understood. I will express myself more carefully in the future.

[zwieback.toast]

I can understand being upset with a wife because she has cheated on you. But to minimize the importance of your entire marriage and relationship together? I will never understand those who can not think appreciatively of the good times spent even if the relationship/marriage ended badly.

 

 

The unfaithful spouse has taken the decision to do a decisive act which results in the end of the marriage, in a deliberately hurtful and damaging way.

 

Therefore she has relinquished any right to the betrayed spouse's "psychic real estate." She has negated the emotional connection that may have never actually existed other than in the betrayed spouse's mind.

 

Since cheaters seem to view relationships in a very materialistic sense, it makes perfect sense for the betrayed spouse to view the cheating spouse in a very materialistic way: in the end what did she actually "contribute" of lasting value to the betrayed spouse's life, that will last beyond the relationship itself? The children, which he values. The memories of love which may have been false for the entire marriage, or were falsified by the cheating, are only hurtful and hence irrelevant.

 

To the betrayed spouse, the cheater can most palatably be perceived as a biological organism which is useful for rutting and reproduction. A breeding machine. She is nothing more.

 

What in fact is the cheating spouse doing with the affair partner? Having sex. She is a rutting machine. She may be getting her own pleasure out of that, and so may the affair partner, but the betrayed spouse doesn't benefit at all from that.

 

There is absolutely no point in the betrayed spouse devoting any of his emotional energies towards the memory of the cheater. It is self-destructive. However objectively the cheating spouse did provide a net benefit to his life in the form of his children. But nothing else.

[moaningmyrtle]

...

 

But as you can see the following posts only mention my country, and therefore what you stated above in post #92 about what I was implying about divorce and religion is incorrect.

 

I don't want to be finicky, but neither do I like words being put in my mouth that I have never said.

 

As far as I know Jennie, while you have used the words "my country" you have not told us which country that is. So really we have no way of disagreeing with you or disputing you. It is unfair of you to argue this point so strongly when you are unwilling to tell anyone where exactly it is that you are talking about. I vaguely recall that when you first started posting your location was given as somewhere in the USA but I could be mistaken or it could be that the system just assumes everyone is in the USA.

 

Until you are able to say exactly where you are talking about, then your comments about the customs in "my country" are all but meaningless.

 

I am not at all ashamed to say I was born in England but now live in Australia. I have just spent the last 3 weeks holidaying in the USA and a very strange place I find it to be!

[fooled once]

Can we get back to supporting the OP?

 

OP, I am sorry for what you are going through.

 

If this is some former boyfriend she has hooked up with and thrown her marriage away for, I would guess that it will peter out in time.

 

Enjoy the time with your kids.

 

As for all the 'statistics' being thrown around, I personally find it funny because just as you can find 'facts' for one side, you will probably find 'facts' about the other view just as strongly.

 

As someone who LIVES in the US , the reported divorce rate I heard on the news the other night is around 52% for first marriages, and around 65% for second marriages.

 

2nd marriages usually involve ex spouses, children from prior marriages and a host of other issues that first marriages normally don't have.

 

As for giving up the dream/thought of a life long marriage, no way. My parents have been married for almost 48 years and my inlaws have been married for almost 55 years.

 

I think the older generation had plenty of troubles and issues in their marriages, but in my view, they chose to work on them instead of jumping out of a marriage. Divorce is VERY common in the under 60 year old crowd. Most older people who are remarried is more from the death of the spouse than divorce. Even my own mother commented that should my father die, she would want to find love again and remarry as she believes in marriage and sharing your life with someone -- LONG term.

 

I don't believe that we should have more than 1 true relationship in a lifetime. Each person is entitled to their belief, what becomes troublesome and causes issues is when that person tries to shove it down someone else's throat or make fun of someone else's belief.

 

And it is more troublesome when others find joy in the hurt they cause innocent other people

 

OP -- I hope your heart heals and that you one day find someone who can respect you, be true to you, be honest and be committed to YOU. And even if you have issues with that new person, you two work together to sort it out and not run out and find someone else to meet your needs while married.

 

Enjoy the time with your kids. Your stbex doesn't realize what she is missing when she chooses to spend her time with her newest boyfriend over her kids. Hopefully, you can get primary custody so that they are never feeling like they are an inconvenience to their mother or that they are standing in the way of her getting laid.

 

Everyone is entitled to find happiness, but not at the expense of others.

 

Good luck!!

[jennie-jennie]

As far as I know Jennie, while you have used the words "my country" you have not told us which country that is. So really we have no way of disagreeing with you or disputing you. It is unfair of you to argue this point so strongly when you are unwilling to tell anyone where exactly it is that you are talking about. I vaguely recall that when you first started posting your location was given as somewhere in the USA but I could be mistaken or it could be that the system just assumes everyone is in the USA.

 

Until you are able to say exactly where you are talking about, then your comments about the customs in "my country" are all but meaningless.

 

I am not at all ashamed to say I was born in England but now live in Australia. I have just spent the last 3 weeks holidaying in the USA and a very strange place I find it to be!

 

And why would you as non-habitants of my country have any reason to dispute my perception of it? You just have to take my word for it, that there exists a country where at least part of the population, and perhaps even the majority, have the same perception of it as me.

 

I have good reasons why not to divulge where I am from. And it certainly is not because of shame. In fact there are quite a few posters on LS who know where I am from, but these are only the ones I trust.

[jennie-jennie]

Each person is entitled to their belief, what becomes troublesome and causes issues is when that person tries to shove it down someone else's throat or make fun of someone else's belief.

 

And it is more troublesome when others find joy in the hurt they cause innocent other people

 

These words apply to you as well, FO.

Edited February 6, 2010 by jennie-jennie