Codependency.....recently discovered this addiction

[ojibwaywmn]

I have written in the other threads in regards to second chances. Over the past few days, I have discovered to be "codependent". I rely on other people's emotions, actions, problems to make myself feel good. We have a difficult time letting go of painful situations, and try to do anything possible to receive love and acceptance from others, rather than from ourselves. We crave chaos of all kinds.

 

When I read about the characteristics, I was floored. I have done all or most listed. (You can look it up on the 'net) They say awareness is the first step and this is what is happening to me right now. I love my ex very much and pretty much obsess over what he is doing, thinking, and feeling. Last week, I emailed him that I didn't want to establish a friendship, and do not wish to be contacted. But let me tell you, it is like going through a drug withdrawl. I admit to hoping that he contacts me, and wants to resume our relationship, even though it would be a difficult one (he went back to his previous common-law relationship and their 2 children).

 

When I look back to all my previous relationships, one main theme stands out. They were all with men who were emotionally unavailable, or unattainable in some form. And I hung on to them, hoping that my love and understanding would be enough for the both of us. On the outside, I project a strong, independent image. On the inside, I am a mess, relying on other's to make me feel good about myself. And I don't know if I will be able to overcome it.

 

I have decided to meet this problem head on for the new year. I want to be in a loving, emotionally stable relationship. But I need to establish one with myself first. When I try to explain what I have discovered to friends, they all give me the "you just need time, you will find someone" speech. They don't realize how much this addiction has taken hold of me, and why I always sound like a broken record when something happens to me. I dwell on things waaayyy too long, and now it is so ingrained in me, that I don't know if I will ever be well.

 

Has anyone else experienced this addiction? If so, what were your experiences, trials and triumphs? I find my low self-esteem has spilled into my relationship with money. The past two months, I have been gambling alot and now it is really affecting my financial situation. I wish I could turn back time and stop myself from starting that gambling spree. But now I have to find a way out of that mess. Any comments, advice will be appreciated.

[VivianLee]

Tests from magazines or off the internet are good for getting your attention to a possible problem but you need to get to a psychiatrist or psychologist and be completely analyzed, diagnosed, counseled AND medicated. Plus there are tons of self-help books out there that will help also.

 

Now as far as a relationship goes, until you get help and start getting a grip on this problem, I wouldn't get in a relationship. I'm married to someone that is co-dependent and it can be a living hell to deal with. Now that he's gotten help and medication....there's a world of difference....

 

Work on yourself first. Then once things settle down you can have a healthy relationship as well.

[meanon]

It sounds a little as though the naming of your problem has scared you into thinking you are ill and will never recover. What's in a name? The biggest barrier to change is lack of insight. You have made progress in gaining a greater knowledge of what drives your behaviour. You have already made significant changes as a result. Reflect on that - take credit for it and use it as a basis for further change. Do not be so panicked by what you have discovered about yourself that you miss the positive impact of changes you are making. You are absolutely right to focus on yourself first. Whether you speak to a counsellor or friends, you will find it helpful to discuss your perceptions with others. I know professionals and lay people who have found Overcoming Low Self Esteem by Melanie Fennell to be a useful book (contains practical exercises).

[ojibwaywmn]

Thank you for the replies posted so far. I am reading "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I know my situations isn't as extreme as others, but it is enough to make me cry. I get so tired of being on this ferris wheel. When I try to imagine my life without all the drama and heartache, to be honest, it looks pretty dull. Who else has felt this way?

 

I would like to be friends with my ex, but at the same time, I don't want to. I admit it is my way of punishing him for hurting me over the past months. He has indicated that he would like to us talk and get along, but it is too hard right now. Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. That whole situation with him is no good and yet I am still hanging on. I was almost ready to do anything for us to be together again, then I found out he moved back in with his former common-law wife and their two children. Talk about slap in the face.

 

Can anyone tell me what it has been like to live with a co-dependent? Or if you are one? I would like some more insight. Thanks.

[VivianLee]

I don't know if you noticed in my first post but I am married to a co-dependent. I think I was almost as excited as he was to find out what was wrong with him!!

 

However, I can't state strongly enough about how you really need to see a Psychologist to find out exactly what's wrong. Sometimes you aren't just "one thing" you could be co-dependent with a bit of paranoid or obsessive compulsive disorder. You MUST get professional help because you could have a chemical imbalance that causes this behavior and therefore you may need medication to balance things. Alot of Co-dependents fight stress, which would be another reason for needed professional help. Your doctor will recommend a treatment that will usually involved medication, therapy and alot of book reading. You are currently reading an excellent book BUT I CAN'T STATE ENOUGH THAT YOU NEED TO GET PROFESSIONAL HELP FIRST!!

 

Okay, living with a co-dependent is hard very hard. Nothing you say or do will be enough to make them feel secure or loved. Plus, they sit and watch your moods and base how they are feeling or what they want on them. That's causes the spouse/partner incredible pressure and anxiety. You aren't allowed to have a bad day or a bad mood or they take it personally. You are asked no less than 50 times a day; "Are you mad?", "Do you love me?" "What's wrong?" "What did I do?" They NEVER make any decisions on their own and if they do, it takes 10 times longer for them to make up their minds than someone without this disorder.

 

I just thought I was impatient or didn't show my husband enough love or was too grouchy or whatever. It eventually sent me into depression and I basically became what I'd been questioned about all the time. He went on to cheat but after we got back together, he went to a Psychologist and got treatment. After 2 years, it has worked, he has learned how to stand up for himself, he's gained confidence and has learned to have moods based on what he feels and not others. He recently lost a parent and had some other set backs but I'm so proud of how he's taken control of his life and stood strong.....

 

There is hope and there is help out there. You can be whole again. But don't get into a relationship till you are well on your way to recovery.

 

Oh and join a support group, it helps to hear others stories and how they cope!

 

Take care and good luck!!

[Samson]

I just thought I was impatient or didn't show my husband enough love or was too grouchy or whatever.

 

Grouchy or whatever.......... might be.

 

became what I'd been questioned about all the time.

 

This "co-dependency" subject is very interesting, but what does this phrase mean? I'm interpreting your remark to say that his clinging to questions that would confirm his thoughts about your feelings became so overwhelming that you became clinically depressed, right?

 

Sorry, but much of modern psychiatry remains mysterious to me.

[ojibwaywmn]

Samson....from what I have read and learned so far is that "codependency" is basing your actions, emotions, thoughts by other ppl's thoughts, actions, emotions. You try to get love and acceptance from other ppl rather than getting it from yourself. It is also considered an addiction as you are stuck going in a circle.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Samson

Grouchy or whatever.......... might be.

 

 

 

This "co-dependency" subject is very interesting, but what does this phrase mean? I'm interpreting your remark to say that his clinging to questions that would confirm his thoughts about your feelings became so overwhelming that you became clinically depressed, right?

 

Sorry, but much of modern psychiatry remains mysterious to me.

 

Ojibwaywmn...basically explained to you what I meant....probably better than I can since she is probably co-dependent...

 

 

An example of a typical day (not anymore but this lasted for 15 yrs).

 

I'd get up, fix breakfast. He'd come in and hug me. First thing said; "What's wrong?" I'd then tell him nothing and sit down and have breakfast. "Are you mad at me?", then I'd tell him, "Of course I'm not mad at you, why would I be?" He wouldn't have an answer for that. Then we'd laugh or joke about something and 5 minutes later it would be; "You do love me, don't you?" that set the tone for the rest of the day. These questions or questions to that effect were asked by him all day long with the same answers.

 

He didn't talk to the check out girl because he thought it made me mad. I never told him that I was mad at him talking to a dang check out girl. He'd obsess for days after actually talking to a check out girl (which I didn't even know because I wasn't with him and he wasn't doing anything wrong talking to any female!!) that he'd get nervous and more paranoid that I was mad at him.

He would take something he thought I was mad about (sometimes I might have gotten angry over something but it could be just one time) and obsess and turn it into Me vs He!

 

You can't win in that type of relationship, he was so miserable that yes I got depressed. I couldn't convince my husband that I loved him or could I make him feel happy. Plus he would question every move I made as to why I did it...I mean down to why I brushed my teeth or washed my hair.....he questioned everything....when you aren't familar with co-dependency and can't understand why someone is acting this way (he's obsessive compulsive too) after a few years of it, you get overwhelmed....nothing you do helps! My depression did cause me to lose alot of interest and respect for my husband, that just fed the co-dependency.

 

After he cheated and told me why...or what he thought was the reason why....it was due to my lack of love and jealousy.....which I thought maybe I was, I was so confused all these years as to why he didn't think I loved him or acted so uncomfortable around females....then as I heard what he "THOUGHT" I was thinking, I realized he'd made this up in his head (the jealousy and lack of love), co-dependents base their thoughts and moods on what they perceive those around them are thinking.....he would literally have irregular heart beats if a woman talked to him, even when he was away from me because he thought I'd be mad!

 

All I could do was tell him how wrong he'd been to feel that way but then when he went to get help, it was a break through for the both of us. He was free of this way of thinking and I was free of trying to figure out how to make this man happy.

 

As I said before, he's much better now and this problem doesn't effect our marriage....is our marriage happy? That's another story but co-dependence doesn't fit in this time....

[Samson]

Thanks so much for the explaination.

 

Having just read your post, I feel like I might be losing MY mind. I cannot imagine this was easy, and to your credit, all you came down with was depression. I would have been fit for a rubber room!

 

15 YEARS! WOAH!

 

Yeah, a rubber room.......or I'd be in prison.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Samson

Thanks so much for the explaination.

 

Having just read your post, I feel like I might be losing MY mind. I cannot imagine this was easy, and to your credit, all you came down with was depression. I would have been fit for a rubber room!

 

15 YEARS! WOAH!

 

Yeah, a rubber room.......or I'd be in prison.

 

 

Well if someone had told me I was going to experience this for 15 yrs, I'd ran without looking back but we all live and deal with things we'd never imagine!!

[faux]

One of my ex-girlfriends had and is still getting over major co-dependency issues. To tell the truth I never knew how she behaved had a name until very recently, and I'm certain she herself doesn't even know what's going on. Well, I hope she does as she has been in therapy for a very long time.

 

She has had problems with sexual abuse, mental illness, and other similar problems. She also goes through strong phases of sexual or subtance addiction.

 

At first I thought she was just needy, or clingy, but two weeks into the relationship she drove me so crazy I wanted nothing to do with her at times. She would constantly phone me, and if I did not pick up I would arrive back to find five, possibly even ten messages on my answering machine in less than an hour's time gone by.

 

She would always ask if she was pretty, good in bed, smart, kind, a good person and anything else. She was very insecure and she did admit to it. She always "had to" see me, talk to me, and have constant reassurance. It drove me nuts, but I stuck with her because she was and is an absolutely wonderful person, despite the fact that I was driven up a wall.

 

Her behavior made me angry. I couldn't talk to other women who were my friends without her feeling horrible. I felt as though I couldn't have time to myself. I felt that I was always taking care of her, or she was trying too hard to worry over me and what I thought than herself. She at times could be rather controlling as well, and would do ANYTHING to seek attention from me.

 

The relationship was very short and only lasted 4 months. She had a very bad relapse and tended to take a lot of things out on me. Because of all her problems she did what she thought was best and ended the relationship, but then started to pursue new people who didn't have an interest.

 

She got into a lot of bad situations and this is when her sexual and alcoholic addiction set in. I'm not sure if her addictions had much involvement with her co-dependency. I'm also unsure of how she began treating me after the break up. It was horrible because I had really liked her, and after her relapse she seemed to do everything in her power to make me feel hurt and horrible.

 

Time went by, and she seems to have been getting help for her problems. She's still a wonderful person, and always has been. It was also nice to hear from her that she knew what she was doing was wrong, and that I didn't deserve to get hurt like that. She's glad to be working out a friendship with me again.

 

Sorry for the lengthy response, and for adding in a few things extra. She's got a long way to go, but my experiences with her really speak of a co-dependency issue of some kind.

 

It's VERY difficult, and hurtful because it made me think a lot about "I love this person. I think she is wonderful. Is that not good enough for her?"

 

You mentioned that you know you need to be alone, and learn to love yourself first. My opinion is that it might be good to be "alone" in the "more than friends" sense. Definitely make and keep new friends, however. It may still be difficult, but a relationship may not give you the space you need to grow within yourself, and to boost your own confidence at this time.

[2blackdogs]

[color=blue][/color][font=times new roman][/font]Hi... I am new here...and I have been following this thread, and I have to admit that I tried twice to post but have been either too wrapped up in my own head or just a ninnie, but it never came to view. I want to get in on this becuase so much of it hits so close to home for me.

Sometimes I have to wonder if there isn't more to this codependency thing. After reading about the 15 year relationship, I was throughly depressed. Being a codependent person myself, I have experienced both sides of the sheet.

 

When can one tell if it is indeed codependency or if something may really be wrong with the a relationship? What if asking your partner if they love you is for real, becuase one doesn't feel the intimate connection that was once there?

 

If we ask, does that mean that I am codependent or I just want some reasuurance that my husband loves me and thinks about me.

There has been times that my husband told me I was codependent, however in some instances... I feel that he may sometimes use that as an excuse to be emotionally secretive or emotionally unavailable towards me. Would that in itself be a type of emotional abuse?

True... I came from a dysfunctional background, I was abuse as a child. I feel that my husband sometimes uses this as an excuse to derail my attempts to work out what is going on in my head/heart....he of course says he isn't....

What is the fine line here?

Does a person ever learn or in this case unlearn to to apply old hurts to different relationships...or do I just have my head buried way to deep...

[Emeraude]

I had the most HORRIBLE years of my life in co-dependency! There is no possible way to be happy and co-dependent at the same time. My first co-dependent relationship drove me to near suicide, and on the rebound, I got into a second one. After almost 2 years, he left me. It was a blessing in disguise. I had no car, no job, no man. And no man is exactly what I needed! I stopped drinking, and I went through a major depression while getting to know myself, and eventually learned to love myself.

 

Looking back, I can't imagine ever slipping into that nightmare again, and I won't, because I have me, I love me, I take good care of me, and I DESERVE it!

[moimeme]

When can one tell if it is indeed codependency or if something may really be wrong with the a relationship? What if asking your partner if they love you is for real, becuase one doesn't feel the intimate connection that was once there?

 

I think it's about nature and degree. Asking ten times a day is codependency. Asking on the occasion that it seems to be a problem is not.

[Emeraude]

Actually, from what I have studied, codependency is "a dependency on a dependent person", or if you will, "being addicted to an addict".

 

It is really two dependent persons together, but one is dependent on perhaps drugs, while the other is dependent on the person who is dependent on drugs.

 

A codependent person is also a master of manipulation. Some may take that the wrong way, but the manipulation they (I was and can still be that way) master is only to get the person they are so dependent on to become dependent on them as well, or to feel sorry for them, or to twist things around so the drug addict has no choice but to be with or do whatever it is with the codependent person. We will do ANYTHING to get him (or her) to be with us, after all we just want them to love us! But that addict would rather do drugs (if the addiction is drugs, it may be something else) than just about anything, and a codependent person cannot control that drug addiction, no matter how hard they try.

 

Trying to control an addict is impossible. It is a no-win situation. Being a codependent, is just like being a drug addict, we just cannot live without that person. I broke my addiction to an addict, and I thought I was going to die, I wanted to die. But I had to go through the same process as a recovering drug addict, and it took a long time, but it was the best thing I ever did!

 

I also am a recovered drug addict. Yes I say recovered, because I KNOW I will NEVER do that sh*t again! I was addicted to meth for a number of years. It was easier to become and stay clean from meth, than it was to leave and stay away from the addict I was addicted to. It has been over 10 years now, and it was like a time in hell for me. Now I am stronger than ever, and not addicted to anything, except life!