Girls Night Out?

[cuppa]

I love my girlfriends and I have girl night out once a week (usually we go to restaurant or lounge) and sometimes, maybe once every 3 months, I too go to a meatmarket or going clubbing with them.

 

In all honesty, it's gross to hook up with a random man in the club and if your wife is like what you described then I think chances are she just wants to see and to be seen.

 

Like you want to dress nice, put great makeup, and get complimented left and right but that's pretty much it. Obviously, in the club, some guys would try to kiss me or grab my butt etc, but that's why you go with another girlfriend, we learn on how to protect each other.

 

To me, having a girl night out is a great outlet to release the stress, but obviously, I love romantic date with my husband too. It's like when men opt for watching football instead of going dinner with their wives. It's the same thing.

Edited February 3, 2010 by cuppa

[jnj express]

Nervis you wouldn't be here, if this wasn't bothering you. What do you want?? If your wife wants to go out with her GF, fine---to dinner, to the movies, shopping, and a meal----NOT DANCING, NOT DRINKING IN BARS TILL 2 AM. THAT IS NOT WHAT A PROPERLY MARRIED WOMAN DOES. This has nothing to do with you being a controlling H. It has to do with your wife playing the singles script as opposed to the married script.

 

You don't like it put a stop to it. Remind her she is married, and as a married woman who took vows she doesn't have the right to be messing around in bars where there are guys just waiting to pounce, and alcohol to take away her inhabitions.

[carhill]

I said in MC that often I felt like my stbx wanted the freedom to be single and the security of being married. I said those words in precisely that way. We're about three months away from the D being final and am doing final property financial analysis (gathering comparables to assign values to separate/marital/quasi-marital property) as I type this. OP, if you wish to establish firm boundaries, do so with the full knowledge that you may be sitting in my office chair shuffling similar documents in the future. Hope it works out differently for you

[NervisPervis]

Thanks everyone for your input. I've posted on a couple of forums, so my post here may be in response to some things said elsewhere.

 

I find it confusing. All of the people that automatically feel I am being posessive, jealous, and controlling for these feelings. Anyone that can compare going to the grocery store with frequent trips to meat markets (no pun intended) is being disingenuous. I've never seen anyone grinding their ass into someone's crotch in the produce aisle. I've never seen anyone making out at the deli counter. And with all of the posts I've read on the subject, I have yet to hear of trips to the grocery store being the cause of broken relationships.

 

I wanted to leave ot some details at first to see where the responses would go. But I'd like to add:

 

- The very first time she went out, I was standing in my front yard when she came out the front door to go "dancing" with her wingwoma...sorry, her friend. She literally told me she was going out on her way out the door. No notice of where she was going, when she'd be home, or how she palnned on staying safe. Every time out it was the same thing. Notification as she was leaving or when I saw her getting ready. Last possible minute so I could ask as few questions as possible.

- Every time upon her return, no description of where she went or what she did. Very hush-hush. And as another poster said, anything beyond "did you have fun" and the insinuations started about how I was interrogating her. Since it was all "innocent", I let it go.

- Always with the one same married woman. Her wingwoman.

- It just keeps getting more and more frequent. It's down to every other week.

 

In all of the posts I've read, from my questions to just reading other people's thoughts on the issue, I can see there are women that can go out to clubs with wholesome intentions. And there are those that don't. The two types of clubbers communicate with their SO's in two very distinct fashions: Honest and sneaky. My wife acted like the latter in every way.

 

We've already talked about it. You guessed it: I'm controlling and jealous and won' let her have a life outside of her marriage. Not "I understand your concern since we can only dance at places with certain reputations, but let me make you feel better by..."

 

Nightclubs ARE evil.

[Bryanp]

Nervis, From what you describe it clearly looks very bad. She wants to have fun possibly outside of the marriage. I would suggest that if you could have a friend follow her and go to the same clubs she hangs out in and observe her and you will probably get all of the information you need. Her actions and her refusal to discuss anything should send off huge red flags. Something is clearly wrong here.

[Twenty-ten]

You know what? 10 times in 5 moths is too much partying. You are absolutely right to be uncomfortable with this. I see my married girlfriends for a girl's night out maybe twice a year if that. I tend to see them more for dinners and a quiet drink, because you don't have to be out at a party spot all night to catch up with your married friends. I understand married people need to blow off steam too, but being out every couple of weeks for a party night is simply too much in my opinion and I would never try to drag my married friends out of respect for their husbands. This is not cool.

 

In a posh suburb west of where I live there is this new club that opened up that is for people who are 30 and up, well as you can imagine it is a huge playground for married people who want to go out and "blow off steam" I went there this past summer with some girlfriends (some married some single) and though it was a lot of fun music wise, it was a complete meat market. I would say more than half the people there were married or taken, and they were acting worse than what I would see at a regular club were singles hang out. It just made me very aware that being married these days can be very different than what it meant say 30 yrs ago.

 

Having said all that, something isn't sitting right with this situation and you know it Nervis.

[Miad's Princess]

OP It sounds suspicious, from what you've posted...Don't be surprised if you find out she is actually NOT going to clubs, but is going else where and using her friend as a cover up.

[Skump]

We've already talked about it. You guessed it: I'm controlling and jealous and won' let her have a life outside of her marriage. Not "I understand your concern since we can only dance at places with certain reputations, but let me make you feel better by..."

 

The curb. Kick her to it.

 

I'm sorry, but your wife is a hopeless idiot. I've had spineless friends with wives such as yours, and half of these women ended up doinking their personal trainers, etc., eventually. It's time to man up, admit that you screwed up marrying this woman, ignore sunk costs, and toss her. There are millions of awesome girls out there - go find one.

 

But first, have a bit of fun at her expense:

 

Start clubbing my friend. Hardcore clubbing. Then, when your dumbass wife finally squawks about how bad your behavior makes her feel, turn to her and say:

 

"Well, no sh*t, you think? And now you now why I'm divorcing you."

 

Then kick her to the curb. Bonus points if she's at the door so you can close it in her face.

 

On the upside, in the bizarre event that you do want to forgive and keep this woman, the aforementioned will so totally destroy her sense of self esteem that she should be pretty tractable for the foreseeable future.

[Twenty-ten]

 

Start clubbing my friend. Hardcore clubbing. Then, when your dumbass wife finally squawks about how bad your behavior makes her feel, turn to her and say:

 

Yeah I was going to suggest the exact same thing, and it's not about getting revenge but more so that sometimes in a relationship we need to communicate in a language that the other will understand when words and pleads for a healthy change fall on deaf ears.

[silic0ntoad]

The curb. Kick her to it.

 

I'm sorry, but your wife is a hopeless idiot. I've had spineless friends with wives such as yours, and half of these women ended up doinking their personal trainers, etc., eventually. It's time to man up, admit that you screwed up marrying this woman, ignore sunk costs, and toss her. There are millions of awesome girls out there - go find one.

 

But first, have a bit of fun at her expense:

 

Start clubbing my friend. Hardcore clubbing. Then, when your dumbass wife finally squawks about how bad your behavior makes her feel, turn to her and say:

 

"Well, no sh*t, you think? And now you now why I'm divorcing you."

 

Then kick her to the curb. Bonus points if she's at the door so you can close it in her face.

 

On the upside, in the bizarre event that you do want to forgive and keep this woman, the aforementioned will so totally destroy her sense of self esteem that she should be pretty tractable for the foreseeable future.

 

This.

 

If you did this, you would be the pinnacle of awesomeness. It would be epic.

[jnj express]

Revenge may work to some extent, BUT if you WANT to keep this mge. going----then the 2 of you need to sit down, and talk about what is going on----You need to find out WHY she has to go outside the mge., for her entertainment or release.

 

She is married, she is spose to go out with you. She needs to spend the time she is using sneaking around and partying at clubs, that time needs to be used to work on the mge. MAKE her sit down and talk to you. The 2 of you need to find out what is wrong and fix it, or your mge., may be over, and all the horror that goes with affairs, break ups, and divorce is going to come at you real fast.

 

Do not be afraid the pin her down and make her talk---if she won't then you have your answer, and you go from there.

[Dexter Morgan]

I love my girlfriends and I have girl night out once a week (usually we go to restaurant or lounge) and sometimes, maybe once every 3 months, I too go to a meatmarket or going clubbing with them.

 

nothing wrong with going to restaurants, and maybe even lounges.

even if its once a week.

 

But even if it is once in a blue moon, why do you go to the meat market in the first place?

[BlueeyedJonesy]

Nervis, I go out once a month (if that) with a good friend or 2 to go dancing..and there is NEVER any bumping and grinding..We usually talk, dance, and laugh at others "dancing" I stay at home with 2 children..and I see it this way..I'm not going to go out with a huge group of women I talk to on occasion so I can babysit all of their drunk asses. I always go with a person I want to spend that valuable time out(that I rarely get) with someone who is worth my time. I wouldn't look into it too much but on the other hand it shouldn't be happening too often.

[skydiveaddict]

Should I be worried? Is there something going on here ladies? Why always just the two of them?

 

 

 

 

Dude, I would not put up with it for even one more day. If I were you I would be worried, and furious. She acting like a twenty something little brat. I never thought I would ever say this, but if I were you I would hire a private dectective and find out what's really going on

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Though there are some behaviors in this specific case that COULD indicate the possibility of infidelity, enjoying going out dancing is not one of them. Women love it, they love the attention, and a good number of them, would never be physically intimate with another man while married.

 

My wife enjoys doing clubbing once in a while. This means 2-4 times ANNUALLY... she may go out for girls night out more often than that, but it's at a female friends home where the women gather, or out to dinner, or other "non meatmarket" type place, where I feel totally at ease.

 

To be honest, I do not feel at ease when she goes out to the "meat market" type clubs, as her intentions may be no more than a fun time dancing, but many of the guys there think otherwise!

 

The best compliment I got from my wife when I discussed my insecurities with her about this was "you know very well the absolute most fun I have had dancing are those rare nights when you join me!" Those nights are obviously not "girls night out."

 

Posting here is likely to get you a bunch of suspicious answers, causing you to doubt your marriage and your wife. Try communicating with her and working this out as a couple; if your wife is genuine, she will find a way to make you feel good about things and prove her fidelity to you...

[Hop_prophet]

Posting here is likely to get you a bunch of suspicious answers, causing you to doubt your marriage and your wife. Try communicating with her and working this out as a couple; if your wife is genuine, she will find a way to make you feel good about things and prove her fidelity to you...

 

What you described above is completely different then what the OP described. I don't think he would have a problem with that. His wife is not being genuine. She won't reassure him at all or answer any questions and is going out way more often then 4 or 5 times a year.

 

It is suspicious to say the least and the other posters are pretty on target I think. Maybe she really loves dancing, but even then her behavior is way out of line for a married woman. Why spring it on her husband at the last second? My gf tells me way in advance whenever she is going out with her friends. Why omit details and pretend she doesn't remember? Probably because she is up to no good. These are all glaring warning signs and he has every right to resort to spying.

[cuppa]

Nervis you wouldn't be here, if this wasn't bothering you. What do you want?? If your wife wants to go out with her GF, fine---to dinner, to the movies, shopping, and a meal----NOT DANCING, NOT DRINKING IN BARS TILL 2 AM. THAT IS NOT WHAT A PROPERLY MARRIED WOMAN DOES. This has nothing to do with you being a controlling H. It has to do with your wife playing the singles script as opposed to the married script.

 

You don't like it put a stop to it. Remind her she is married, and as a married woman who took vows she doesn't have the right to be messing around in bars where there are guys just waiting to pounce, and alcohol to take away her inhabitions.

 

What? Married woman can't dance until 2 AM in the club with their girlfriends? Why not? As long as they don't do this every week. Once every 3 month or something, that should be OK! I know a lot who do this and they are fine, happily married.

 

What do women do in the club? They don't always mess around, if they want to mess around, they don't need to go to a club, they can go to a website and post ads...easier that way, heck, they can just even do it with coworkers or friends.

[cuppa]

nothing wrong with going to restaurants, and maybe even lounges.

even if its once a week.

 

But even if it is once in a blue moon, why do you go to the meat market in the first place?

 

My single girlfriend wants to go there and we do know how to protect each other. It's not exactly a meatmarket perse, it's an upscale club, we go there for dancing and it's not our fault that guys are hitting on us. We drink, we dance, and we go home. If we feel some guys get to close then we move to different section. It's really not those beat up bars or clubs, it just feels meatmarket to me because the number of hit we got that night. I don't accept any offers for drink (neither did she), it's just a pure fun, it makes me feel young and free because I do love dancing.

 

Maybe, it's not a meatmarket. Maybe you guys need to define what meatmarket vs nice dancing club is.

[cuppa]

Nervis, I go out once a month (if that) with a good friend or 2 to go dancing..and there is NEVER any bumping and grinding..We usually talk, dance, and laugh at others "dancing" I stay at home with 2 children..and I see it this way..I'm not going to go out with a huge group of women I talk to on occasion so I can babysit all of their drunk asses. I always go with a person I want to spend that valuable time out(that I rarely get) with someone who is worth my time. I wouldn't look into it too much but on the other hand it shouldn't be happening too often.

 

Yes this! Guys, c'mon. We, ladies, go out dancing not because we want the bumping & grinding, to be honest, it's kind of gross.

 

Sometimes, we get a few compliments (like you look very beautiful today) yes, we kind of like it but it's not any difference that we are walking on a street or going to starbucks and some random strangers compliment us.

 

One thing that my husband says, he will never punish me for something beyond my control (that is guys hitting on me) but he will be furious if I'm responding to the grinding or humping or exchanging numbers with the guys.

 

Not all ladies going to club to mess around, it's just a pure night of fun.

[Woggle]

I would not have a problem with her going out but her secretive behavior would worry me. She is distancing herself from you and that is more of an issue than the clubbing.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

If I am there (or nearby), there is no greater compliment for me then for my wife to be hit on; if I am not, it bothers me. Again, it's not that I am concerned about my wife or her ability to handle herself.

 

I think most posters in this thread agree it's not the club, the dancing, or girls night out that poses the problem. It's the secretive, elusive, 'no tell,' behavior that is the real concern for the OP here...

[jnj express]

The real concern here---is that this mge., has major problems.----One of the 2 married partners wants to go out and be single a couple times a month.

 

You can all put it any way you want, but the bottom line NERVIS is that you two need to sit down and talk this out, and FIX it. In a good happy well working mge., ONE OF THE PARTNERS DOES NOT GO OUT AND TRY TO BE SINGLE AT ALL. You can all spin it every way you want, but these two had better sit themselves down and find out what is wrong in this mge., and FIX IT.

 

If Nervis continues to do nothing, one of these times his wife is going to connect, and then the biggest darkest, black cloud is gonna descend on both of them, and it won't go away for from 2 to 5 years, if at all.

 

This is inappropriate behavior for a partner in a mge., You all know it, and it needs to be stopped, and the mge., needs to be fixed, or dissolved, as in divorce.

[Twenty-ten]

 

Maybe, it's not a meatmarket. Maybe you guys need to define what meatmarket vs nice dancing club is.

 

 

Frankly, it's all the same really. If you are in a big sweaty crowded room filled with alcohol induced people bumping and grinding, then it doesn't matter if it is a meat market or not it is an environment conducive to seduction and lines being crossed. I am not even married and I can make that distinction. Not even close to the same thing as walking to Starbucks and being complimented. I wouldn't blame my guy for not wanting me to be out at these places a few times a month if we were married. Being at a club, all I have to do is get up and dance and it doesn't take long for a guy to come up to me and want to start dancing close to me. While sure it is not "my" fault guys want to hit on me, it is my fault for subjecting myself to that every couple of weeks while I have a husband and possibly even children at home. Don't tell me that after a while your tendencies won't change if you are doing this all the time. Blowing off steam with girlfriends is once in a blue moon, not twice a month, that is acting like you are single looking for god knows what.

 

 

I find that highly inappropriate for a married woman to be out doing this every so many weeks, just as I would find it equally inappropriate for a married man to be out at clubs twice a month or at meat market bars. I don't buy this excuse that "girls like to dance and have fun" go take a dance class then if you want to blow off some steam while dancing.

[cuppa]

Frankly, it's all the same really. If you are in a big sweaty crowded room filled with alcohol induced people bumping and grinding, then it doesn't matter if it is a meat market or not it is an environment conducive to seduction and lines being crossed. I am not even married and I can make that distinction. Not even close to the same thing as walking to Starbucks and being complimented. I wouldn't blame my guy for not wanting me to be out at these places a few times a month if we were married. Being at a club, all I have to do is get up and dance and it doesn't take long for a guy to come up to me and want to start dancing close to me. While sure it is not "my" fault guys want to hit on me, it is my fault for subjecting myself to that every couple of weeks while I have a husband and possibly even children at home. Don't tell me that after a while your tendencies won't change if you are doing this all the time. Blowing off steam with girlfriends is once in a blue moon, not twice a month, that is acting like you are single looking for god knows what.

 

 

I find that highly inappropriate for a married woman to be out doing this every so many weeks, just as I would find it equally inappropriate for a married man to be out at clubs twice a month or at meat market bars. I don't buy this excuse that "girls like to dance and have fun" go take a dance class then if you want to blow off some steam while dancing.

 

Interesting, I've been clubbing quite often (obviously not twice a month, like I said it's probably more like 3 or 4 times a year and maybe twice a year with my husband).

 

I've never once exchanged phone number or bumping/grinding longer than 2 seconds (so the second the guy grab my hip, I would move away). If you want to cheat, you will find a way. You don't need to go clubbing for that.

 

The only difference is that some women are extroverted. yes, I can take zumba class & kickboxing class to blow off some steam in my sweat pants but I do love dressing nice, with heels, makeups, and my jewelries. I love the part where my girlfriend and I do our hair together, put smoky eye shadows, and put some nice jewelries on. Do I do this for other guys? Not necessarily, some women are just extroverted. I dress up everyday to my office, I do this because I feel good. I don't dress up thinking oh maybe so so will notice my legs in this skirt...eww no, tbh, I sometimes dress up for other girls because we love fashion.

 

Sure 2 times a month is probably way too often. But my original post is to respond to someone who said married woman should never go clubbing because it's outside the marriage script which I don't agree.

[Hop_prophet]

I've never once exchanged phone number or bumping/grinding longer than 2 seconds (so the second the guy grab my hip, I would move away). If you want to cheat, you will find a way. You don't need to go clubbing for that.

 

The only difference is that some women are extroverted. yes, I can take zumba class & kickboxing class to blow off some steam in my sweat pants but I do love dressing nice, with heels, makeups, and my jewelries. I love the part where my girlfriend and I do our hair together, put smoky eye shadows, and put some nice jewelries on. Do I do this for other guys? Not necessarily, some women are just extroverted.

 

Oh come on who are you trying to convince? I don't buy that for a second. It is attention seeking behavior and you admitted you liked the compliments so lets be honest here. What does extroversion have to do with it? The problem is that many women do not WANT to cheat but they do anyway. Alcohol and a clubbing environment certainly make it more likely. Judgment is impaired and men are in heavy pursuit mode. Just look at the posts on these forums. Women (and men) will throw out all sorts of rationalizations like "it just happened", "I never intended to cheat", "He came along at the right time and place", etc....

 

I am not implying anything about your intentions, but I am saying that men have good reason to be concerned about these outings sometimes.