lucky7 Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 Hi, Happy New Year everyone. I need some advice. I find myself lately having numerous flings, and I dont know how to stop. For the last two years I have been single, previous to that i was in a long term relationship which i had no problem being monogamous. But since the breakup it seems i go on many dates, have had several flings, and a couple of one night stands. I have no problems meeting people, but it only seems to last a month or so then it's over. I used to say to myself that i just wanted to have fun and i didnt care, but im realizing that deep down i feel a void and it's like i am trying to fill it with meaningless sex. I recently started seeing someone and we spent a lot of time together, and he stated he wanted us to be monogamous. I found myself being happy about it and I really enjoyed feeling like i had some level of commitment. However he had just gotten out of a divorce and told me from the start the he had baggage and was still not over his ex wife. I finally called it quits because i realized that he was in a different place and needed time to heal. But since then, i've gone back to my old ways again. i only dated that guy for a couple of months which is the longest ive stayed with someone since my last breakup. Ive started going to bars and clubs again doing the whole partying thing. While i was seeing that guy i completely stopped going to places like that and i was actually quite content with it. I just don't know how to control myself when im single and maintain my dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 I don't know how much it will help but I've been where you are. I might be wrong but here's my story... In the two years that followed a long term relationship I partied hard, unhappy to the core, going with people I didn't know or didn't particularly like just to fill the void that the relationship had left in me. I didn't admit it to myself or anyone else at the time, I was enjoying my freedom so I said, there was nothing morally wrong with it (I'm not religious) and I was in control. Seems funny now. I was so completely out of control. When one boyfriend dumped me - unsurprising, I was a nightmare - I'd cry like a baby for two hours and then go straight back out and find someone else to take the hurt away. But they couldn't because the hurt wasn't created by the guy who had dumped me hours earlier, it had been there for years and all was doing was creating a situation in which it had an outlet. Then I met someone who, in hindsight was as messed up as me, we got on and took care of each other. Then a separation and reconciliation followed by the loss of a baby forced me in to counselling. It was only then I had to really confront how unhappy I was within myself. Both the partying and the relationship had been masks. I ended the relationship and vowed that I would value myself more and not go back to my old ways. Fast forward 6 months... I feel better. I don't pick up men anymore, I date. But, I still give way too much, hoping that somehow this will bring me close to people and this will somehow fill the void which is still there. Fast forward just over a year (now)... my fiance has left me to go back to his ex (I hadn't called it quits when I should have), I feel awful but I don't feel awful about myself and I don't want to go out and give anything away to anyone. I think the experience has made me realise just how much I have within me and how valuable that is. But its over 12 months since the counselling and it's taken my behaviour a long time to catch up with what my mind was totally aware of. This has turned into more of a confessional than a response but I have been there, I know exactly what it feels like and I know how hard it can be to change even when you really want to. Be honest with yourself, face up to whatever it is that is making you unhappy with yourself (mine was my relationship with my father, go figure) and tell yourself how much happier you would be without the constant ups and downs of what you refer to as meaningless sex but I prefer to think of as random sex. Sex definitely has a meaning and not recognising that is part of the problem. Take care out there. Link to post Share on other sites
midlifecrisis Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 So you're the Gal that all us horny guys are looking for Of course, I'm just kidding.... Seriously, you might want to try concentrating on meeting men in ways that don't assume romantic dating or sex -- then just see how you do at making friends first. Purposefully keep your self away from sex until you feel a deeper bond with the person. Try community events, church, whatever -- stay out of the bars/clubs for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 1, 2004 Share Posted January 1, 2004 Yes, I know my fiance was the result of a brief relationship (6 months). I never said I had all the answers, in fact I'm still learning the questions!! Link to post Share on other sites
lucky7 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Hopeoverexperience: thank you so much for your response. What you said makes complete sense. I do know I have issues (who doesn't) but part of the problem is I should have gone to counseling years ago but I never did and it's hard to take the initiative to try to explain to a person where you're coming from and all the past that comes with it. I do feel like I have gotten better, I have met quite a few people on my own just doing things outdoors or going to the gym. But the behavior still repeats itself. I know it takes time to break old habits, but it seems like you have learned a lot from your experience. Thanks again for your post. Midlifecrisis: good one. I agree--I know there are ways to postpone sex, but it would be nice if the guy wasn't always so willing--i mean how many times do guys say they need more time to get to know ya first. unheard of. guess its up to the women to have the willpower. Link to post Share on other sites
midlifecrisis Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Yep -- unfortunately, you have that right about us guys... There must be some sort of support group for this type of thing -- there is for practically everything else! In any case, posting here helps me with my issues, so I hope that your ability just to air your thoughts and get non-judgemental feedback here helps you... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I'm the QUEEN of the 3 - 7 dates! I don't want to fall in love. I don't want to have a relationship. I don't want to get remarried. I DO feel that void from time to time which a serious relationship brings to the heart....I also have a great memory of the horrible pain it can bring. I'll take the void feeling ANYTIME....over the wounded one. ......so many men....so little time........ Link to post Share on other sites
lucky7 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 It does help. I felt a little guilty writing about it at first, but I felt better after I read the responses. After all, everyone has issues, and it's nice to get useful feedback. Yes the waiting game is not a fun game to play. Maybe I need to develop some strategies... Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 it would be nice if the guy wasn't always so willing--i mean how many times do guys say they need more time to get to know ya first. unheard of. Gosh, I am embarassed to say that one guy I was dating actually said NO to me to sex! There were complications..long story..but I was so offended! lucky7 - I have been there too. It's strange though because I know that I should feel ashamed or guilty or something, but I really didn't feel that bad about it. I was having fun and wanted nothing more (as in a relationship). I don't know though..it's good that you brought up this subject because I have been thinking about it a lot lately too. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 lucky7 - I was going to PM you but I noticed you don't have that option. Feel free to send me a message if you want. It's good to know that someone out there feels the same way as I do! Link to post Share on other sites
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