Women and their needs

[wheream_i]

How many guys out there have heard this? "You're just not meeting my needs."

 

Why does it always seem to me that a woman's need are so much more important than anything else in a relationship? I bring this up because of the current situation I am in and also because I happened to have heard that line on an episode of Sex & the City and some other show aimed at the female gender.

 

I'm probably giving myself away by stating that in at least three relationships, I have heard some variation of this comment from my S/O. I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?" It's almost as if I feel like I have to bend over backwards and bring her the moon to satisfy those needs, to show that I care or that I understand how important those needs are. There is a current thread here where the WS justified her cheating by her spouse not meeting her needs.

 

How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? Would they just chalk it up to him just being a man and only needing sex to be saistified?

 

Comments from both sides are welcome please.

[LoveLace]

Just my opinion. But I think part of the problem is neither women or men are the same as they once were...men are not as into the traditional, hardcore stuff as they used to be. Some are still romantics, but they are either over the top or just plain hard to come by. Women are in more control of their lives (with jobs, kids, choices..) and probably harder to keep happy now because of it...

 

Guys are allowed to express their concerns too. Just be calm about it, and ask how she feels when you are done. Suggest trying to find the answer together. It IS possible that she is forgetting about your feelings sometimes here. Again, tell her you'd like to work on it together, but how would she like to do that? That's if you care about the relationship.

 

We all have our own definition of what "too needy" is...think about your def. Is she really too needy or is it nothing you can't handle? Maybe she's just too needy for what you really want. But if you really care about her, listen to what she's saying the best you can, say you understand, and ask what she wants you to do about it (within reason) If she can't answer you that, then she shouldn't expect very good results. The goal is for both to feel satisfied; if you think the goal can't be reached, why struggle. Look for a gal who just doesn't seem to "need" so much. But most women are more out spoken in relationships than ever now, so you might be stuck with high-maintance...just figure out what's too high for you.

 

Mean time, do you feel shorted on any needs? Remind her that while working on hers, you wouldn't mind attention to yours either. Because your right it's not ALL about her, it's about both people, give-and-take needs to be done on a satisfying level for both people, or the relationship is in trouble.

[LoveLace]

How many guys out there have heard this? "You're just not meeting my needs."

 

Why does it always seem to me that a woman's need are so much more important than anything else in a relationship? I bring this up because of the current situation I am in and also because I happened to have heard that line on an episode of Sex & the City and some other show aimed at the female gender.

 

I'm probably giving myself away by stating that in at least three relationships, I have heard some variation of this comment from my S/O. I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?" It's almost as if I feel like I have to bend over backwards and bring her the moon to satisfy those needs, to show that I care or that I understand how important those needs are. There is a current thread here where the WS justified her cheating by her spouse not meeting her needs.

 

How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? Would they just chalk it up to him just being a man and only needing sex to be saistified?

 

Comments from both sides are welcome please.

 

 

 

Also, expressing needs in form of a threat: "Do I have to go somewhere else?"...not a good idea. If these women are only expressing needs in ways that put you down or threaten, refuse to help until she learns to talk about it more nicely. You deserve that much, I hope. If she doesn't feel you do, it's over. Think about if compromise is possible for you? If not, it's over.

 

And obviously if a man expresses sexual concerns and the woman doesn't want to listen, there's a dilemma...and vice versa.

[Taramere]

How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? Would they just chalk it up to him just being a man and only needing sex to be saistified?

 

Comments from both sides are welcome please.

 

I'd want to know first of all whether he believed that I was capable of meeting his sexual needs. If he said no, there'd be no need to continue the conversation.

 

If he said yes, but I believe you'd be reluctant then I would explore it with further discussion. I wouldn't start promising the moon, and I'd be on my guard for him using any "ask for four times as much as you think is reasonable" tactics, but I would be open to trying to improve things.

 

I'd also be asking what improvements he thought he could bring to the relationship in return for any efforts I made. If he couldn't think of any, I'd suggest that learning to be a little less self absorbed might be an idea. "You're not meeting my needs" (whether those needs are sexual or emotional) does, after all, have a fairly repugnant element of the foot-stamping, brattish child about it.

[Trialbyfire]

Were the needs not being met by all four women, similar in nature?

[Woggle]

Many women are just simply emotional blackholes and nothing at all will satisfy them. I have found that ironically the less you try to please these women the happier they will be.

[Lizzie60]

-------I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?" --------

 

WOW... dude .. don't mention a word about it.. because that makes you sound like a terrible lover..

 

 

--------How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? ----------

 

Where have you been????.... Sooo many men (even on LS) have tried many times to discuss sex.. but nothing changes... because most women who are withholding sex get upset when sex is brought up...

[wheream_i]

-------I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?" --------

 

WOW... dude .. don't mention a word about it.. because that makes you sound like a terrible lover..

 

Lol. She was referring to her emotional needs. That's basically what I'm asking about here. Not that me not meeting her emotional needs makes me any better a lover.

 

And Woggle, I can say I almost agree with you 100%.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

in at least three relationships, I have heard some variation of this comment from my S/O.

 

 

 

Most would look to the common factor not-so-buried in your words.

[wheream_i]

Most would look to the common factor not-so-buried in your words.

 

I full expected that which is why I didn't try to hide it. But I also mentioned that I heard that phrase on an episode of Sex & the City so I just figured it's a common theme, not just with me. Which is why I asked in the first place.

[Jersey Shortie]

Women obviously have emotional experiences that are different from men. We also tend to be a bit more complex and maybe a little more demanding. Is that a bad thing? Only to someone that doesn't enjoy the challenge, or doesn't know how to relate to women or wants life to be easy. And frankly, we do all want those things in life sometimes. But, people are people and worth the challenge. At least we hope. There are just such huge glitches today between men and women due to a host of issues. And I think people don't want to spend the time to learning about someone else more then they want to catch up on episodes of LOST sometimes today.

 

 

Why does it always seem to me that a woman's need are so much more important than anything else in a relationship?

 

Our needs aren't more important. I just think we tend to be more complex.

 

 

I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?"

 

That was pretty selfish of her and wrong to threaten you with. And not something I've ever said to any man I dated.

 

It's almost as if I feel like I have to bend over backwards and bring her the moon to satisfy those needs, to show that I care or that I understand how important those needs are.

 

Not true. Actually, women can be quite happy with the simpliest displays of affection. Give us a corny hand made card and our hearts melt sometimes.

 

There is a current thread here where the WS justified her cheating by her spouse not meeting her needs.

 

That's not something that just women do. Men do that quite often. And usually other men support that theory. "well, she wasn't meeting his needs".

 

How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? Would they just chalk it up to him just being a man and only needing sex to be saistified?

 

I think men do say this in various ways. I've been envovled in quite alot of porn topics on this board and one of the commone response from many men is that men need variety, that they can't be satisifed with one woman.

[juliet1989]

I agree with you 100% Jersey Shortie

[mem11363]

When they say that to you - how do you respond?

 

If my wife said it - I would ask her - what needs am I not meeting?

 

And then I would listen. And I would NOT argue even if I didn't agree with everything she said. And when she finished I would say

"ok - that is not good - what is it specifically you want me to do that will make you feel like this is really improving?" and then I would listen again.

 

Now remember the purpose here is to understand. If she tells me that I am not meeting her lifestyle needs, and she expects me to go into credit card debt to fund her princess expectations - then I laugh and tell her not going to happen and the conversation ends. If however she is asking for things that I am ok with doing - I will do them even if I think the initial complaint is bs - just to make her happy. But that is because she is a great partner and I am more than happy to go the extra mile for her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

How many guys out there have heard this? "You're just not meeting my needs."

 

Why does it always seem to me that a woman's need are so much more important than anything else in a relationship? I bring this up because of the current situation I am in and also because I happened to have heard that line on an episode of Sex & the City and some other show aimed at the female gender.

 

I'm probably giving myself away by stating that in at least three relationships, I have heard some variation of this comment from my S/O. I've even been threatened by an ex with her saying, "Do I have to go somewhere else to have my needs met?" It's almost as if I feel like I have to bend over backwards and bring her the moon to satisfy those needs, to show that I care or that I understand how important those needs are. There is a current thread here where the WS justified her cheating by her spouse not meeting her needs.

 

How would a woman take it if a man said,"You're just not meeting my sexual needs"? Would they just chalk it up to him just being a man and only needing sex to be saistified?

 

Comments from both sides are welcome please.

[mem11363]

This one is a big one. Getting a guy to the finish line is kind of easy. Getting a woman there is not so easy. So IMO, as a guy you always have an OBLIGATION to make the effort so that she is satisfied first.

 

And it is totally lame to ask a woman afterwards - "was that ok?" because often they will be polite/nice etc and say sure it was fine. So don't do that.

 

Instead ask them: What can I do next time to make it better for you? What drives you crazy? Because usually they will answer that.

 

And it is also good to say something like "don't fake an O with me I would rather know you are disappointed and you tell me what you need to get you there - than have you pretend - my ego can take it - be straight with me"

 

Because if you are having sex - and she isn't getting to the finish line, eventually that is going to destroy the relationship. With some women really fast, others really slow. But it will happen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When they say that to you - how do you respond?

 

If my wife said it - I would ask her - what needs am I not meeting?

 

And then I would listen. And I would NOT argue even if I didn't agree with everything she said. And when she finished I would say

"ok - that is not good - what is it specifically you want me to do that will make you feel like this is really improving?" and then I would listen again.

 

Now remember the purpose here is to understand. If she tells me that I am not meeting her lifestyle needs, and she expects me to go into credit card debt to fund her princess expectations - then I laugh and tell her not going to happen and the conversation ends. If however she is asking for things that I am ok with doing - I will do them even if I think the initial complaint is bs - just to make her happy. But that is because she is a great partner and I am more than happy to go the extra mile for her.

[Jason T. Nelson]

First of all, you can't hit a target if you don't know where the target is. In other words you have to first figure out what her needs are. Maybe she doesn't even know, but just feels that something is missing.

 

Second, there seems to be a pattern and that doesn't sound like an accident. And your question "Why does it always seem to me that a woman's need are so much more important than anything else in a relationship?" is a generalization and not specific. You're assuming that all women have all the same needs and that's not true at all.

 

But somehow you seem to be missing the boat on most of the women in your life, so it's going to take some soul searching and you need to figure out the common denominator here. Perhaps you've been a little selfish unknowingly and haven't much cared about these women's needs.

 

The key in your post is that it's happened several times and that's no accident or coincidence.

 

So first thing is see if you can get specific on what needs aren't being met.

 

Second search back and try to figure out in your mind what the other women were talking about and if there's a common thread. If you're still friendly, and it won't hurt your current relationship then call them up and ask them.

 

Third, begin to work on your attentiveness to your wife/girlfriend. But also begin to work on being more attentive to others all the way around. It's likely that you're not filling the needs of many people in the same way emotionally as well.

 

And fourth don't worry about the threat. It's likely an idle threat. Threats are usually a last resort move out of desperation.

 

Hope that helps!

 

Jason

[Neutrino]

Needs or as they really are : wishes, are different for each person, so a statistical analysis would not help you with your individual case....

 

Make a list of those "needs" with your wife, which ones are needs and which ones are wishes ? Which ones are not fulfilled by you ? which ones are ?

 

Maybe looking also at the positive will help get the discussion started on good terms, feel free also to bring stuff up from your own side....

 

IMO there is only one person who can give you first-hand reliable information about your wife....

[wheream_i]

Nah, this has nothing to do with sex. It was strictly related to emotional needs.

 

This one is a big one. Getting a guy to the finish line is kind of easy. Getting a woman there is not so easy. So IMO, as a guy you always have an OBLIGATION to make the effort so that she is satisfied first.

 

And it is totally lame to ask a woman afterwards - "was that ok?" because often they will be polite/nice etc and say sure it was fine. So don't do that.

 

Instead ask them: What can I do next time to make it better for you? What drives you crazy? Because usually they will answer that.

 

And it is also good to say something like "don't fake an O with me I would rather know you are disappointed and you tell me what you need to get you there - than have you pretend - my ego can take it - be straight with me"

 

Because if you are having sex - and she isn't getting to the finish line, eventually that is going to destroy the relationship. With some women really fast, others really slow. But it will happen.

[The Paper Knight]

And it is totally lame to ask a woman afterwards - "was that ok?" because often they will be polite/nice etc and say sure it was fine. So don't do that.

 

Instead ask them: What can I do next time to make it better for you? What drives you crazy? Because usually they will answer that.

 

Thats a keeper.