Do I break up or not?

[qbert]

I'm sure this has been asked a thousand times already, but... not in 2004, right?

 

I've been with a woman for about a year-and-a-half, and I can't decide if I should end the relationship or not.

 

On the plus side, she is very sweet, caring, supportive, loving, and fun to be with.

 

On the negative side - she has a lot of issues, and these issues seem to overrule her sweet, caring and fun side. Unless these issues get resolved, I'm not sure if there's a future for the relationship.

 

She came from a bad home, and has a lot of the codependency and suppressed anger that people from bad homes often have (in my experience, anyway). She's been unhappy and cranky a lot of the time in the last year or so, for one reason or another, and I'm finding lately that seeing her often feels more like an obligation than something I want to do.

 

She also has a lot of issues around sex - we attempt to have sex about once every couple of months, and it never goes well (i.e. she either ends up bursting into tears during intercourse, or she doesn't want to continue after I do... "stuff"... for her).

 

Finally, she generally tends to have a very negative outlook on things.

 

While the sex issues are a bit frustrating, it is the negativity, unhappiness and crankiness that are really a problem for me. But, in my opinion, all of her issues have one thing in common - a fear/unwillingness to try and resolve them.

 

I've encouraged her to seek therapy (something I have done for my issues, and which helped me immensely), but she alternates between saying she will and then not doing anything about it, getting angry and saying she doesn't want/need to go, and giving excuses for why she can't go.

 

Unfortunately, I don't see any of the problems I'm having with her changing unless she does get therapy - the very few attempts she's made to resolve the issues on her own only seem to make things worse.

 

We had a big talk about the negativity and unhappiness a few weeks ago (I finally told her that it was having a negative impact on me as well), and her last word on the subject was that she wouldn't be going to therapy, because she was tired of working to improve herself. Unfortunately, I think she believes that her awareness of the need to work on her issues is the same as actually working on them.

 

She also became quite upset during the conversation, saying that we weren't going to work out, and that she was going to end up alone as an old maid. She tends to get quite upset and/or angry whenever I try and raise problems I'm having, because the problems I'm having are with her issues (which she's been dealing with her whole adult life).

 

In rereading the above, I realize that I may be making her sound less caring than she really is (I don't think the problems in our relationship are coming from a lack of caring, but from her fear of trying to overcome her issues), and I'm not acknowledging my share of the blame (I should have told her what I needed in a relationship up front, rather than saying everything was fine in an attempt to not hurt her feelings).

 

So... what should I do? I do strongly believe that she's going to need to at least partially resolve her issues before she can have a long-term relationship with anyone - I'm certain that it's not just a matter of us not being compatible.

 

If she would go to therapy, and try and resolve some of her issues, there's a chance we could be happy together. But I haven't seen much to suggest that that is going to happen. I know doing so would hurt her very deeply, but would giving her an ultimatum (i.e. go to therapy or we're through - but much more nicely put) be fair? Or should I try putting it in terms of what I want/need in a relationship (positivity, happiness, regular sex), and let her decide how to make that happen?

 

On the other hand... if I do break up with her, how do I do it so that I cause the least amount of pain to her? By that I mean, given that she is codependent, is prone to depression, has low self-esteem, and a hard time trusting people, how do I break up with her in a way that doesn't push her self-esteem lower, make her less trusting of people, and push her into a depression?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice. I still feel that the above sounds very one-sided, so if anyone has any comments on what I'm doing wrong, please let me know.

[sarah12]

This is going to be a tough one.

 

Some people may or may not like my suggestion, but I think that you should break up with her.

 

I think you should break up with her because it would help her figure herself out. She obviously has alot of problems within herself and has a lot to learn about herself. People with inner problems are not ready for relationships and in my opinion, need to learn how to be happy with themselves first. This would also help her co-dependency problem. Also, it seems that there is more bad than good in this relationship and that you are quite opposites in terms of who you are. You have yourself figured out, and her as well, meanwhile, she has trouble knowing who she is and the negativity in her brings you down. No one likes to be around negative people. She really needs to learn this on her own, and as harsh as it is, rejecting her may be the best way for her to learn.

 

I kind of understand what you are going through b/c my sister is much like your girlfriend. I wish her boyfriend would break up with her b/c I can see how being with him isn't helping her get over her own problems. Her problems are not as serious as your girlfriends, but I know that having a boyfriend around really does not help.

[qbert]

Thanks sarah12... you've made some good points. I know that this isn't a relationship that I can maintain for the long term, and I'm not really doing her any favours by giving her a relationship where she can pretend that her issues don't exist and that they don't need to be dealt with. If she would just put as much energy into solving her issues as she does avoiding them, I know she'd be much, much happier, but she seems too afraid to face them. It makes me sad, but it may take the loss of our relationship for her to see that she can't let her fear prevent her from working out the issues that she needs to work out.

 

Thanks again.

[dyermaker]

I really agree with Sarah. You can't have a healthy relationship unless you're healthy yourself. Your current situation is unfair to both of you. She has issues, and it would be different if she were willing to communicate those issues with you, or she was trying to resolve those issues through therapy.

 

All in all, she needs to make the choice to fix herself, herself. No one else can make it for her. You aren't her therapist, you can't assume that role. Therapy only works for the willing.

[jester]

On the other hand... if I do break up with her, how do I do it so that I cause the least amount of pain to her? By that I mean, given that she is codependent, is prone to depression, has low self-esteem, and a hard time trusting people, how do I break up with her in a way that doesn't push her self-esteem lower, make her less trusting of people, and push her into a depression?

 

Meet with her and tell her that, because of your issues (leave it general) you can no longer continue the relationship. If she pushes you to be more specific, tell a velvet lie that you're commitment-phobic and ill-equipped for a long term relationship (ie, 2 years or more).

 

By blaming yourself, you might, at least to some extent, spare her feelings. The blame for the collapse of the relationship will be on your shoulders, which are substantially stronger than hers.

 

Will she see through this? Probably. But it is at least an attempt on your part to help her save face, and keep her from spiraling into depression.

 

You could also suggest that the relationship is an unhealthy one for both of you. That you both need to part to enable both of you to grow into independent adults. I would only use this as a last resort.

 

Who knows, with you out of the picture she just might become motivated to obtain the therapy you believe she so desperately needs.

 

Good luck.

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, it's usually a mistake to take up with someone because of his or her potential. You can see what that person could be if only they would work through the issues - but they won't. I can tell you from experience that living with someone who is constantly negative only drags you down into the negativity and then there are two damaged people.

 

Sometimes, you have to walk away from someone like her. It's heartbreaking.

[doniker]

Originally posted by qbert

On the plus side, she is very sweet, caring, supportive, loving, and fun to be with.

 

On the negative side - she has a lot of issues, and these issues seem to overrule her sweet, caring and fun side. Unless these issues get resolved, I'm not sure if there's a future for the relationship.

 

 

 

Does the "plus side" outweigh the "negative side"? If not break up with her. At least if you had a good sex life I could see staying but without that I would say "so long"....life is too short to waste on negative people.

[darling]

Look, your girlfriend has many problems that she has to deal with. Have you ever tried to act like a friend than a frustrated boyfriend? Have you ever sat down with her and wrote down her issues and tried to find ways to resolve them one by one. Have you ever sat down and really listened to what is worrying, paining and concerning her?

 

Women are naturally dramatic and emotional beings. That can be a wonderful characteristic and an annoying and overbearing thing as well. THat is why she is caring, loving and tender as you have mentioned earlier.

 

Maybe she is frustrated because you are not tending to her needs either. She has many fears from her previous relationships and personal problems and she needs you to help her out. She wants to be able to be herself without worrying if you are going to reject her or leave her.

 

After the amount of time you have invested into the relationship, I don't think you should give up. That is why 1 out of 2 marriages end up in divorce, because people give up too easily. I think both of you need to help one another out. Both of you need to stop being defensive and ask one another what you really need. I think you love her because you wouldn't be writing here asking for advice. Perhaps you need couples counseling. This way you can tackle personal and joined problems together.

 

I know that both of you are probably hurting pretty bad right now. But you need one another... So, work together to make it work.

 

~Darling

[qbert]

Thanks to everyone for their feedback.

 

The generous consensus seems to be to break up - which really just confirms what I'm already feeling. Her issues (sexual and otherwise) came up in the first month of our relationship, and nothing has changed at all in the year-and-a-half since that time. There aren't any signs that things are going to change either, and I just can't see myself being happy with the way things are in another year.

 

Special thanks to jester for the suggestion of blaming myself for needing to break up the relationship. I've been spending a lot of time trying to think of the best (i.e. least damaging) way to do it, but it never occurred to me that a white lie may be the best thing for her. I think in her heart she'll know that her issues are the main reason why I can't be with her, but by telling her "it's not you, it's me" I give her the opportunity to hate and blame me instead of beating up on herself.

 

And to darling - you make very good points, but I assure you that I have tried to attend to her needs. I've been supportive when she talks about her issues, I haven't pressured her at all for sex (the few times that we've been just about to make love and she decides she can't, I say "that's okay" and hold her), I've tried to offer suggestions for dealing with some of the issues (she always has a reason why they won't work) , I've tried to get her to come up with solutions (she says "there aren't any" or "I can't think about that right now"), and I listen when she just wants to talk about them. I've given serious thought to asking her to go to couple counselling with me, and still might do that if I can't bring myself to break up with her outright, but I have serious doubts that she'll go (or put an effort forth if she does). I do love her, but, as the saying goes, I'm not in love with her. And that, along with my unwillingess to accept things as they are and her unwillingness to make changes, doesn't leave me with much hope for the relationship.

 

Thanks again to everyone. If you have any more thoughts, please let me know.

[SoleMate]

I think her problems may be due to depression, which is very treatable. The symptoms you've described are classic. I would suggest she see a psychiatrist ASAP.

 

I know doing so would hurt her very deeply, but would giving her an ultimatum (i.e. go to therapy or we're through - but much more nicely put) be fair?

It would be fair in my eyes. Tough love. But I would make the ultimatum include meds if indicated.

 

Or should I try putting it in terms of what I want/need in a relationship (positivity, happiness, regular sex), and let her decide how to make that happen?

Don't bother, because she doesn't really sound able to respond on her own.

 

if I do break up with her, how do I do it so that I cause the least amount of pain to her?

Well, there will be oceans of pain. Just don't add TORTURE by stringing it out, blaming her, waffling, or leaving her guessing whether things are really over and why. Don't say anything that suggests that she is a rotten person.

[jennifer05]

Just stick with her through this. She might have went through a lot more then what she's telling you. Things could have happened at 'home' and she could have not told you. I don't know for sure, but when you said that once you start having intercourse, she sometimes bursts into tears...maybe she's been abused before. i dunno. but, stick with her...she needs someone who is willing to love her and help her through all tramas of life! Good luck and God Bless

 

*Jenn*

[qbert]

Just stick with her through this. She might have went through a lot more then what she's telling you. Things could have happened at 'home' and she could have not told you.

 

I do pretty much know the whole story (about both the sexual issues, and the negativity), and I know she is entirely justified in having those issues. The problem that I'm having is that she's not working to overcome them, even though they're having a negative effect on me and our relationship.

 

she needs someone who is willing to love her and help her through all tramas of life!

 

My question to you is - what about my needs? While I don't need a healthy sex life (although it's pretty high up on the list of wants), I do need a happy relationship, and a positive environment. Why should I sacrifice my needs, in order to meet hers?

 

Sorry to single you out, Jenn (I know you're just giving your opinion), but your comment touched a nerve. While I do agree you should stand by the people you care about, and help them when they need it, at some point they have to start helping themselves. And if someone is unwilling to do that, and their behaviour is having a negative effect on another person, then I think it's unfair (and unhealthy) to expect that the other person will stand by them unconditionally. If I knew things were going to change in a year, or two years, or even three years, I would be willing to stand by her. But I haven't seen anything in the last year-and-a-half to suggest things will ever be any different with her, or that she's even willing to try and change. So why continue spending time with her if I know I'll never be happy?

[confussed-one]

it seems like you have already made up your mind.

 

then I think it's unfair (and unhealthy) to expect that the other person will stand by them unconditionally.

[sarah12]

Her issues (sexual and otherwise) came up in the first month of our relationship, and nothing has changed at all in the year-and-a-half since that time.

A question for you: Why have you stayed in this relationship for so long if these issues came up in the 1st month? And what is the update on the situation? Have you talked to her?

[qbert]

Originally posted by sarah12

A question for you: Why have you stayed in this relationship for so long if these issues came up in the 1st month? And what is the update on the situation? Have you talked to her?

 

There's three reasons why I've stayed in the relationship this long:

 

1) Up until November, I thought a lot of the negativity and unhappiness was situational. She was in a job she hated, she was living with her father (who is even more negative than her - she comes by it honestly), and she was in pretty serious debt. In November she got a new job, she was living on her own, and her finances were in better condition... but the complaining and negativity didn't stop. She just found new things to complain about. It was then that I realized that the problems I was having weren't going to go away on their own, and so I talked to her about them. And that's when she said that she wasn't going to go to therapy, and that she was tired of working on things, which pretty much let me know that things weren't going to change for a long time, if ever.

 

2) As my brother once put it, I'm a glutton for punishment. When I first met her, she was cheerful, happy, and sexual. But that all disappeared after about a month, and now I only see hints of it every now and then. At the time, I thought the unhappiness was situational, and she told me she was going to work on the sexual issues, so I thought that if I was patient and supportive, she would get past/work through some of her issues. But that hasn't happened, and I'm finding it harder and harder to be with her.

 

3) If she would work through some of her issues, she would be a wonderful person to be with. She can be very fun, happy, etc. (see my first message), but it only happens when she's not complaining, and that's not very often.

 

Someone mentioned that it sounded like she has depression, and that may be part of the problem, but a lot of the issues she has stem from specific events from her past and from the environment she was brought up in. I've had depression myself in the past, and tried both medication and therapy, and from my experience I think that it's going to take CBT to get her to resolve her issues. And while I'd like to let a professional make that call instead of me, that would require her to go to a professional.

 

As for an update, there really isn't one. She broke her arm a few weeks ago, and has been having a hard enough time managing her life since (and yes, I'm helping out quite a bit), let alone working on personal issues. I spoke to a couple of friends about it, and they agreed it wouldn't be fair to put more on her at this time. So I'll wait until she's out of the cast, and that (hopefully) will give me enough time to figure out what it is I'm going to do, and how I'm going to do it.

[ally000]

i know it sounds harsh, but you have to sort of.. threaten her. Give her an ultamatum. She either begins to help herself , or you're gone. I know, this worked for me, because I too was bringing my boyfriend down for several months (we've also been going out about the same ammount of time as you) and one day he just plain came out and told me he was fed up. He told me he was ready to break up and that he was willing to end it... BUT ONLY IF I WAS, he also said he was willing to work through it , but once again, only if I was. I thought about it, but then I couldnt bare the thought of losing him, and only then did I realise that all his anger was coming from frustration that I was causing when I wasn't letting him help me. He explained that no matter what background I was coming from, I had to put the past behind me and live in the NOW. Live for every moment. Don't dwell on other things. And that saved us and now, even though we still fight every now and then, we are better than ever, and we are both happy.

[dfgdfgfd]

if you arent sure, get out! if there is a feeling bothering you a ton, think about it, feel it out and work on it. otherwise its time to go......there will be someone out there for you!