Lost

[Gunny376]

I actually looked up parental alienation the first time you mentioned it, and I used some of the "signs" that it's happening in some of my affidavits for the custody fight. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong, but I'm going to ignore my daughter for a while. Maybe then she'll want to see me or talk with me once in a while. I think right now that every time I text her and tell her I love her, or try to get her out to dinner, that she just finds me even more pathetic. Maybe if I don't communicate with her for a while she'll realize that she has to put some effort into our relationship and remember that I wasn't such a horrible father.

 

 

I agree! Its a damned if you do and damned if you don't type situation! Your definitely walking on the razor's edge.

 

But you've got to have a short, mid and definitely long term strategy. And all you really can do, is "get in, sit down, shut up" and white knuckle this SOB to the end!

 

That is to say "Stay focused"

 

Be committed for the long term.

 

Realize that it may be her voice that voice the words? They're probally her Mothers words.

 

In my own case my children don't see the sacrifices that I've made for them.

 

Back when I was paying bookoo bucks in after tax child support "Everyday was a holiday!" The XHEX went through no less than nine or ten different new cars?

 

I finally figured out what "HE'S" got that I've not got?

 

He's willing to kowtow (Oriental bowing to a superior) and kiss her @zz and do any and everything to make her happy and please her.

 

Sorry! I refuse to be a castrated bull!

 

So not going to happen!

[wasted-years]

I really don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. I do know that it seemed like every time I got a new affidavit related to the case it had something in there from my daughter. They may be her mothers words, but I don't know. I think she's definitely influenced by being around her 24 hours a day if nothing else. There's been some stuff she's said to me directly, but not a lot. After reading the last affidavit, before the judge rendered a final decision, I read the thing about how she doesn't want to see me at all and she's just doing for charity reasons or some da** thing. I flat out told her "look, I'd really like to see you and go out to dinner and just hang out, but if you don't want to talk to me right now then tell me and I won't keep bugging you". She said no, I've just been busy. Sure, busy ignoring my calls. If her actions backed up her statement I wouldn't be writing this. I really hope she comes around and I don't think I'll ever give up on her, but there are several things I decided before I even left because I knew there was the chance that the kids might hate me. The thing is, I had to do what I did. No ifs, ands or buts. It was leave or die, inside and out. I figured the kids would understand, they know what their mother is like, but if nothing else I thought they would understand why I left. Clearly that was wrong. I flat out refuse to apologize for leaving because it was the right thing to do. I could have done it in a better way, and maybe I could have lasted a little longer, but in the end I thought they would understand that I was in a terrible relationship and staying in it was hurting me and their mother. I was wrong. My son didn't have any problem with it, he understood and told me I didn't do anything wrong. My daughter felt different and apparently thought I should stay in the bad relationship to make her life easier. I know teenagers don't have the capacity or maturity to look beyond their own wants and needs most times, but I really hope that one day she will understand. But Gunny you made an excellent point, I have to live my life for me now. I've given 18 years to my kids and put them first in every way, but I deserve happiness too. Hopefully things work out, but I need to focus on me and my son right now and everything else is secondary.

[Angel1111]

Actually, your daughter does have the capacity to understand why you left, just the same as your son understands it. The truth is, though, that living the lie for as long as all of you did, as a unit, she probably allowed herself to be lulled to sleep, in a sense, and she believed that the life she knew would never be shattered; that the lie would remain intact, and the world would never know the truth behind the appearances. It's a lesson your daughter needs to learn, whether it's comfortable for her or not.

 

I agree that it's a good idea to just back off for now. Later on, you can re-group and decide on a new tactic if it becomes necessary. I think leaving your daughter alone to her mother will be the true wake-up call. But maybe not. You can worry about it later.

 

You're obviously a very intelligent and caring man. There's no reason why you should feel guilty - or be made to feel guilty - for walking away from a situation that was so severly oppressive. I've been there and if anyone ever wanted to criticize me for it, I'd tell them to walk in my shoes for awhile and then their opinion might matter to me. Your daughter was there in the family, but she was not in the marriage. She may have certain characteristics that are similar to her mother that doesn't allow her to face facts, or wants to control others. It's something she needs to come to terms with.

[wasted-years]

Angel, I just wanted to say thanks for all your comments and suggestions and support. You've been responding since I first started this and I really do appreciate it. I think maybe you and I had similar situations and went through the same crap. Like I've said all along, I get depressed some days, but it's getting better as time goes on and I still smile to myself when I leave work knowing that I can go home and relax and not be in a stressful environment all night long. I finally get to enjoy "going home", even if it is just me and my son now.

 

I really hope the thing with my daughter works out. I certainly still love her, I'm starting to think I never knew as well as I thought I did though. The tough part is going to be in a month or two. She has her senior prom and then graduation. I'm sure I'll never get her over here for pictures on prom night, but I don't want to miss her graduation. Sadly though, her school is so large that they only give 2 tickets to each student for their families. One will go to her mother, but I'm guessing the other one isn't coming my way. I don't care though, I'm not going to miss it. I'll show up at the gate without a ticket and they'll have to arrest me to keep me out of there. I'm not missing my daughters graduation, and I know so many of her friends that I want to see them too. So, we'll see what happens there. In the meantime I'd just be happy to get my stuff back from the house. The STBX changed all the locks and refuses to talk to me so I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to get the rest of my stuff. If that's the way it is, I guess I show up unannounced and just tell her I'm taking my stuff. Man, when I finally get that final divorce paper I'm breaking out the champagne.

[Angel1111]

Thanks, WY. Yes, I've been in a situation that sounds similar to yours. I was with a man who made me feel so alone and controlled that I could scarcely breath. It just came down to a choice of leave, or die emotionally. I chose to leave. I had a son with him. My son was home from college this weekend and today, he told me something that his dad said to him that made no sense whatsoever. I had almost forgotten how unreasonable his dad was. He only cares about getting what he wants. It frustrates my son like crazy. He always dreads seeing his dad. It's really sad.

 

It's a tough situation with your daughter. I agree that wild horses couldn't have kept me from my son's graduation, either, so I totally understand where you're coming from on that one. I wish you the best. I think you need to ask her about the ticket and let her know that you really want to be there.

 

Your lawyer should tell you how to handle things with your belongings. I think if you didn't take them with you, they'll probably have to be addressed in the divorce decree. If she wants everything, then you should be compensated financially. The split should be equitable one way or another.

[wasted-years]

Well, I guess it's been quite some time, but I feel like I should at least provide closure to anyone who might be listening.

 

For all of you struggling so, feeling like your heart is being ripped to pieces, know that it WILL get better. I felt like my life was over many times, and even today, 10 months after I left, I have my bad days where I feel so alone. But life DOES get better. I have patched things up with my daughter and we talk regularly, I have a better relationship with my son today than I ever did, I finally got through the divorce, and even though my financial situation was horrible and still isn't great, it's moving in the right direction. I can at least communicate with my ex-wife now, and although sometimes we still resort to petty insults, things have been much better since the divorce became final, I think that just displaced a lot of the anger for both of us. I'm certainly not "over" the divorce, and won't be for a long time, but the depression is lessened, the crying sessions are shorter and much less frequent, and I'm starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember, "this too shall pass". I can't thank everyone enough for all the support I've gotten through all of this, this site truly is a Godsend. Divorce is the hardest thing most of us will ever go though, it is truly gut-wrenching, but in the end we learn for ourselves that we really do have the fortitude to carry on, no matter how scary that thought is.

 

God bless you all, I hope you remain strong through all of this and lean on anyone you can to get through this, including the wonderful people in this forum.

 

Next step for me is to survive the holidays, and it will be hard, I don't kid myself, I already get sad every time I hear a holiday song. But I know that I will get through this, just like everything else, I just need to be strong and rely on friends and family to help me, and of course everyone at Loveshack.

[goingstrong]

WY, How did the inside of the Minneapolis jail look? Did they bother with you for crashing the graduation?

[slowbutSURE]

Wasted years, let me "thank you" for posting your experience as it has unfolded.

I have been on this site for years and this is my first post.

My journey of divorcing my wife of 26 years is just beginning and although the reasons are different, the priorities are the same. Our children! The last thing I want to do is hurt either one of my girls and thanks to you and Angel1111 I have some valuable insight on ways to proceed.

Please keep posting your progress. Now that I have gotten brave enough to post I am guessing it will become easier. Even if you don't get a flood of responses there is no doubt in my mind I am not the only one you are helping.

 

Thank You!

[wasted-years]

No, didn't see any prison time . I called the school and explained the situation and they were very accommodating and sent me a ticket to get in. Time really must heal all wounds, at least partially anyway, even my former step-daughter is talking to me again. I shouldn't have tried to push things I guess, but that's easy to say in hindsight. As time goes by it seems like cooler heads start to prevail and all the kids are starting to remember all the years of good times too, not just the divorce and this last tough year. Now it's just a matter of figuring who I want to be and what I want to accomplish over the rest of my life.

 

Things have definitely gotten better and I want to thank all of you for being there for me, and continuing to be.

[pdxdad123]

Once I picked a date that I was going to tell my wife and leave the house, I was riddled with guilt every time anyone in my family brought up any plans for the future. I couldn't help but think about how I was going to ruin everyone's life by doing this for myself. But I thought about it a whole lot while I was weighing my decision about whether to leave it or not, and right from the start I decided that no matter how much it was going to hurt me I HAD to go through with this or I would literally die. Don't kid yourself, life without hope is dying, and eventually your physical being will comply with your emotional wishes to stop living. I'd rather not be, but I'm a lot more sensitive than most guys apparently, so I knew I had to be 100% committed to this or I would back down and lose my only chance at finding happiness again. I just had to hope and pray that my family would forgive me. Looking back now, staying around for the kids was actually somewhat selfish on my part. The kids grew up thinking that marriage is like what they see from their parents, loveless and arguing all the time. It was selfish to my wife also, because I was denying her the chance to be with someone who really loves her. I hope that eventually she will realize this really was for the better for both of us. So let go of the guilt. As hard as it is to accept, you have to care for yourself first before you can really care for others. Don't keep trying to just get through the day. Life is too short to continue wasting each day that you're given (thus my title of wasted-years).

 

I have to say this is probably the most helpful post I've read. In a passionless, loveless, bickering marriage for nearly two decades, and building the courage to go for the divorce, I needed to hear this. It sometimes seems like it would be so much easier if there would be some major event that forced the divorce - cheating, drugs, whatever. But getting out of a slowly decaying marriage is like the proverbial frog in a pot of water that slowly increases in temperature until the frog dies.

 

Hope things are doing well for you, wasted-years and thanks for the motivation.