alwaysl868 Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I have been involved in a friends with benefits relationship for two years. Things have been great and I thought we were on the same page. We get together almost every day, talk on the phone several times a day, tell each other everything and really enjoy each others company. We have only been with each other (at least as far as i know). We agreed we would tell each other if we did anything with someone else. A few months ago we said I love you to each other. He bought me an expensive christmas gift and I thought things were going well. We had a fight right around christmas and I got very upset. Then, in the middle of the fight when I was still upset, he told me that he was going on vacation with an old friend for a week. I have been asking him for months to take time off with me but he couldnt because of work. He told me that it just happened, the guy called and he decided to go. I am hurt because I have been asking and he couldnt go and now all of sudden he can just drop everything and go. He then told me that he only said he loved me because I said it first but he kept bringing it up after that night and urging me to say it. It wasnt a one time thing. Anyway,I am very hurt by the trip and then I tried to talk to him about it and he just said that he wanted to have fun and do what he wants. Then when I tried to talk to him about his sudden change of feelings and his reasons for why he changed, he blocked me from his phone and email. We are back to talking now but I am still upset over the vacation thing and the blocking and totally ignoring me as i feel like he is my best friend. Any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
paddington bear Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I have been involved in a friends with benefits relationship for two years. Things have been great and I thought we were on the same page. We get together almost every day, talk on the phone several times a day, tell each other everything and really enjoy each others company. We have only been with each other (at least as far as i know). We agreed we would tell each other if we did anything with someone else. A few months ago we said I love you to each other. He bought me an expensive christmas gift and I thought things were going well. We had a fight right around christmas and I got very upset. Then, in the middle of the fight when I was still upset, he told me that he was going on vacation with an old friend for a week. I have been asking him for months to take time off with me but he couldnt because of work. He told me that it just happened, the guy called and he decided to go. I am hurt because I have been asking and he couldnt go and now all of sudden he can just drop everything and go. He then told me that he only said he loved me because I said it first but he kept bringing it up after that night and urging me to say it. It wasnt a one time thing. Anyway,I am very hurt by the trip and then I tried to talk to him about it and he just said that he wanted to have fun and do what he wants. Then when I tried to talk to him about his sudden change of feelings and his reasons for why he changed, he blocked me from his phone and email. We are back to talking now but I am still upset over the vacation thing and the blocking and totally ignoring me as i feel like he is my best friend. Any thoughts? My thoughts are you were never in a FWB relationship in the first place. FWB don't plan trips together, don't talk on the phone numerous times per day and tell each other everything. In a FWB situation there might be some conversations here and there on the phone, and casual hookups for sex. What you had was not that by any means. I think what you were in was a fully-blown relationship with a non-commital man. This arrangement suited him, he had a girlfriend, with all the perks and benefits that that comes with, while always having an 'out' - "oh we're really just friends with benefits". You're not if you share so much with each other. It is absolutely not abnormal for you to fall for someone you are that close to and are intimate with, in fact you'd pretty much expect it. This is the important phrase you mentioned: he just said that he wanted to have fun and do what he wants. That, unfortunately for you, is all he wants. He probably did have feelings for you and tried to go along with that when you told him you loved him, but as soon as that meant actually committing to anything, even a trip together, it becomes too much, he feels confined and therefore unable to just go on a trip with a buddy and not take you into consideration, wants to be able to be free to see other women and so on. I know you don't want to hear this right now as I'm sure you want him back, want him to explain to you, talk to you, but...you are better off without him. It remained a non-commital relationship due to his issues with wanting to be free and it has floundered because he can't step up to the mark and simply be your boyfriend. This attitude is unlikely to change. The only way to either make him figure out his feelings for you, or for you to get over this rejection is to go for no contact. Don't call, email, text, IM, nothing. Allow him to realise that you're not hanging around waiting for him, allow him to miss you (or not), allow him to just go, if that's what he wants. Unfortunately we can't force the people we love to love us back. If he has a change of heart he knows he can contact you, pushing for him to explain himself isn't going to help matters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwaysl868 Posted February 3, 2010 Author Share Posted February 3, 2010 I know, it is just hard because I know he really cares. He is not looking for anyone else and I think we would given up months ago if we both didnt care about each other. He does extremely nice things for me and goes out of his way. He calls to say good morning, calls on his way to work, checks to see if things are ok during the day etc. He calls to say goodnight and we get together most nights. When I get upset about something, he genuinely looks like he cares. I am not sure if he just doesnt want to get hurt and that is why he calls it this or if he really wants his "out" in case he needs it. Thanks for your post. I appreciate your input. I really needed to put this out there to get opinions. This is really upseting me. Link to post Share on other sites
Satisfaction Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 I'm sure its difficult because you know he cares. Maybe you could try and talk about it with him? Or maybe you can try and talk about his past with him and see how he got to the place he is in. Its not a good for your heart to to stay with someone who doesn't love you properly. You may think its only a little thing and it doesn't really matter but it does... Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted February 3, 2010 Share Posted February 3, 2010 If you've been seeing each other every day and exchanging "I love you's", it isn't a FWB situation, that's a full blown relationship! Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 what paddington bear says is EXACTLY RIGHT go by what she says Link to post Share on other sites
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