3 Years.

[DagnyT]

So, this is my first post here. Been reading quite a lot. Never could make myself pen this down.

 

Here's my story :

 

I met this guy, in college. The first year. It was just so mutual. Fresh out of high school, no relationships from high school, almost a first love thing. I know how naive this might sound now, (sounds that way even to myself), but back then, it was so real.

 

It was the perfect mix of a lot of things. We were by far the smartest kids out there, and that is what drew us to each other I think. There just wasn't an intellectual equal around for the both of us.

 

So we did a lot of stuff together (thats how it all started). And slowly realised that we shared a much deeper bond. Things were super at that time. Even after all these years, I would still say that this was by far the best period of my life. To explain how it went ahead, I need to tell you what kind of a person I was, then. And him.

 

So I am a smart kid, never had too many friends, not the most social partying types, but enjoy conversations. I can talk about any topic under the sun! I grew up in a nuclear family, wasn't close to either of my parents. So I was pretty much on my own since the day I learnt how to think.

 

He grew up very close to his mother, and distant from his dad (his parents don't have the best marriage around). He is amazingly intelligent. Loves people. Loves admiration. He is the guy who wanted to run to where the people were and tell his joke of the day.

 

So while all was well for a year or so, it eventually turned emotionally abusive. He would just not reciprocate! And this is the same man who was just so expressive earlier. We had the most amazing chemistry. Mental, emotional, physical (as an aside, no one has ever turned me on that much, ever). It started going downhill, it got twisted and evil. I would pine for him to say ONE affectionate word. One smile. One hint that he is happy to have me around. And that seemed to never come.

 

It was a bad phase. I did not know what to do with myself (that was my own doing I think, I shouldn't have been SO involved with anyone). But hell, I was just out of high school and all charged about this wonderful man who made me feel so amazing. I had low blood pressure. I lost oodles of weight. I burst into tears in the middle of some random sentence. I fainted one day, in the middle of a lecture. They had to hospitalise me, and I spent like 10 days there. I was just dazed.

 

Surprisingly, I had the most amazing grades that semester

 

So it went on, and I just did not know how to deal with him. It wasn't as if he had stopped talking to me. He acted as if nothing had happened and I was his buddy. I just couldn't take that. It was quite a weird phase, in that semester, he was around like a lot (not talking to me all the time, but someone else or something or the other). I acted as if he didn't exist. I was too hurt, too scared.

 

We got back together briefly, but it never worked out again. That was the end of it. I got out of college, took up a consulting job with a big four firm, and began a new life. Haven't spoken to him in more than three years now.

 

I know I am over him, in most ways. The thought of him does not give me pain any more. I can think of him, talk of him, very neutrally. Long process, but I eventually got there.

 

But I still dream of him. and no, he does not figure in my thoughts in the day. I have a life of my own now, away from the college crowd. I travel a lot as a consultant. I have a whole new circle of human presence. But he still figures in my dreams.

 

Given a chance, I would go back to that year of my life. The man he was then. Not the man he is now. No.

 

I know this is long, and probably boring to read. But this is the first time in these 6 years of knowing him that I have ever expressed myself fully. It is such a relief. I can breathe now

 

Thank you LS!

Edited February 3, 2010 by DagnyT

[kwyser]

Good for you. Sometimes talking about it, even if that means writing it down for bunch of strangers to read, can help tremendously.

 

It sounds like you are doing great. Congratulations on talking about this.

 

Good luck

[DagnyT]

I haven't been able to sleep since I wrote this

[Odyssey]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I always found it best to write things down, even if i don't share them out on LS. Sometimes when you re-read what you'd wrote, it can give you extra insight.

 

Anyway, thinking about them (ex) doesn't mean you're not over them. Not at all. We're all reminisce about the good times of past. In our mind, they can become bigger than reality. A fantasy. The good memories cloud over the bad. That's all they are.

[GrayClouds]

Likely it is because your letting go. After a relationship like that not only do you find yourself graving the lost of it but a bit of your own innocents. All of this is understandable and healthy, just not a lot of fun.

 

Be confident and proud that you can and did take care of your self. I suggest if you can find a good councilor to help you work through some of the issue about this relationship.

 

Until then there is things that can help: get exercise, eat wel, journal, call on friends and family, pick up the book

 

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life (Paperback)

 

 

 

You are going to be ok.

Edited February 4, 2010 by GrayClouds