mixedup1 Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 Rut Row !!! Hello again, mixedup1 here but in a different light tonite. If you have taken a look at my post below this one a few you know my circumstance. Well, today, New Years Day, I recieved a call from my wife, atypical for sure. I was still wondering what went on the night before since she did come over, we had dinner, we talked, her boyfriend called, I asked her to leave, she left, to put it in a nut shell. Well, to my surprise, after I asked her why she has to run away to her escape hatch everytime to go see her boyfriend she replied "well, you don't have to worry about that anymore" I was like thinking to myself, here it comes she is finally going to file papers......I asked why I don't have to worry... she said because we have broken up. I just replied ya, right. I have heard that before. You ran back to him missing him like in 2 hours. She said it was his idea. He said he was tired of all the chaos surrounding their affair. She said that she felt the same way and that she wanted to try making her marriage work out. I replied, well, I am glad he's got a head on his shoulders and a conscience. I also stated ya, I think he also knows that by doing this this makes him look all the better in your eyes, because it make it look like he is all that more concerned about your well being. Which is true. I told her look, you better not be playing with my emotions again. This had better be the real thing because I don't want to go through any more hurt. I asked how long she is going to try for and she said, well, 3 months at least i would imagine. I was expecting her to say like a couple weeks or something. Now, theres is a catch to this which I don't like. I wanted her to move back into the house but she said that she would'nt. Whats up with that!? She said she did not want me to have that much control over her. She did not want to be with me 24/7. AM I getting set up here for another big let down?? Or is this normal after the wife has found her own place and loves it and loves her freedom?? I think I am going to be very careful and not expect too much in the beginning. But If anyone with some insight to this could help me see a little clearer please post a reply. I am happy that she is doing this because I think she has been thinking very hard since I gave her a copy of the divorce papers. I hope she is serioius about this because my heart was about to quit on her it was broken so many times. Maybe I am just setting myself up for more torture. I don't know. Thanks for your input on this. mixedup1
DerangedAngel Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 mixedup, I don't have much that I can say. She has been having an affair (openly... wow) and has moved out into her own place, wants to try and make things work in her marriage now (due to boyfriend's prompting), but will not move back in with you. You want to know if she is playing games. Ask yourself what she is gaining from all of this. You already know about her lover; if she wanted to leave you for good, she could, without causing any more stress than she already has. So why would she bother saying she wants to fix your marriage? Maybe her intentions aren't all that bad, unless you suspect she gets her kicks from letting you down? Sounds pretty cruel and too much work. Something else to think about: if she won't move back in with you, you can't be sure she isn't still seeing guy #2. Or heck, maybe she's seeing guy #3 and guy #4. My point is, you can't trust her right now. I would DEFINITELY suggest that you aren't intimate with her until you can. Also, is she going to cut all ties with guy #2? If she really wants your marriage to work, she should be willing to do that. But only if she's sincere. Personally, I don't really see why you even care. I would be totally through with this woman. I hope you are happy in whatever comes of all this. Best of luck to you. -Deranged
TMCM Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 There's an old saying that I'm sure you're familiar with: "Actions speak louder than words". So far her actions are not consistent with her words of wanting to work on the marriage. Paying lip service to marital recovery without showing any effort towards it should tell you, no make that scream at you that you are being set up. Consider conveying to her "Thanks but no thanks on the thought of working on the marriage" and proceed with the divorce.
bryanp Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 Hello, I think DerangedAngel made some excellent points. She flaunts her affairs openly in your face and puts your health at risk. One of her boyfriends dumps her but she is willing to stay married to you but is not willing to move back in because she does not wish to be controlled by you. I think your name mixed up is very appropriate. You would have to be mixed up to settle for this. Why are you willing to accept all of this constant disrespect and humiliation? She is clearly extremely selfish and self-serving. Move on and find someone who can love and respect you because your wife cannot and she had made your marriage a big joke and a farce. Please open your eyes. Why do you feel you deserve so little in your life? I wish you luck.
figuringitout Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 Seems like she is in complete power and control of the men in this game and she seems to be enjoying it. She changes hourly. You may get a hug or a knife. My sympathies go out to you my friend. There has to be something going on deep inside of her that she needs to acknowledge and deal with. It may not even have to do with you specifically. It could be a while before she stops this behavior and deals with the real issues. In the meantime, do you really want to give her control over you? She may be (or have been) a great, great woman. She may be again some day. Right now she is a witch. I'd take the control away from her and get the papers signed. Perhaps, it will force her to take a hard look at her life.
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Posted January 2, 2004 Not trying to stress you out any more than you obviously are....but here's a couple possibilities of why she's suggesting what she is, now. It's possible that the Boyfriend (BF) gave her some kind of ultimatum.....telling her something to the effect of, "you need to go back to your husband and try one last time to make it work so that if it doesn't, and you come back to me, we'll both at least know you're here because you WANT TO BE HERE"....get what I mean? It's possible, too, that the reason she doesn't want to move back in with you is because she's up to her tricks and while she'll "pretend" to the boyfriend that she's sorting her feelings out with you, she'll still want to be able to see him on the side. How can she do this, if she's under the same roof as you? Obviously if you give her a second chance and agree to try and reconcile,you're not going to allow her to have contact with BF........so by keeping her own place, she can come and go as she pleases, and neither guy will know what's up. She sounds like a selfish, manipulative, controlling beeotch. If you're even entertaining thoughts of giving her/your marriage a second chance, you need to do some hard thinking about what the "rules" and "boundaries" are going to be. For example: 1) you must BOTH go for marriage counselling, and counselling as individuals 2) she's not to have ANY contact with the BF (or any other man, for that matter)..in any way, shape or form...and if you find she's breached this, she's out on her arse. And if she can't agree to this from the get go, then you know she's not being sincere. 3) she must move back in with you....how can 2 people work on a marriage when they're not living like married people?
Author mixedup1 Posted January 9, 2004 Author Posted January 9, 2004 Umm, ya know it is so easy to be looking in on something happening and to clearly see what the solution should be. How come when it comes to a relationship I am getting thrashed in...relationship....more like a dictatorship....I am having a hell of a time letting go of my wife. Even tho she has totally done it all. You name it, she has done it and I have enabled her to do it to me by wanting to work things out. I realize it's my own fault, but man o man I am trying to let go but I care about her and love her so much????? Damn do I need an excuse for hoping it can work out?? I know I should have let this go a long time ago, I mean I really know this but am I just insecure, chicken****?, dumb****(given) I don't know how to let go other than doing it......I am working on getting a divorce but things can get complicated and she won't agree on certain things, I don't know, I am definately getting the worse end on this for now.... After 18 years together, it is hard to let go and maybe I am hanging on because it is a lot my fault she went looking for those popular emotional needs: being listened to and feeling needed. I ignored my wife and took her for granted, I guess maybe I deserve some of this but not the emotional torment. My wife is err was no she is a good person. WE all make mistakes but, to continue on making the mistake then becomes an intentional flagrant foul in the marriage, well, make that like a technical foul, well, ok lets just eject her from the game and a fine. Ya, I was blinded again, she definately has something she is looking for and doesnt know what it is. She is most likely midlife crisis, possibly pre menapausal..she is 38. I do love her, but I know I have to draw the line. I know I am gonna get ridiculed for wanting her back but I have never imagined being with anyone else... she was always it...and NO I don't want her cheating on me..damn that hurts. So why cant I just let go and move on...detatch her from the baggage cart and slam the door! Well, I am not a whimp by any means, I guess I am clinging on to nothing. Man I am just rambling on about nothing !! LOL maybe I am going crazy.....maybe not....I will check with myself in a moment...hehe.. gotcha. Well, i appreciate your posts, I know what NEEDS to be done, when I read some posts where some guy is getting trampled on by his wife, I think man what a puss, but I know better now...you love the one you married, I do.. I am at my wits end and yes, maybe a little cray zee from it all. But she is a human being, with feelings and I feel sorry for her cause she is mixed up majorly. I love life.....it's so easy to deal with.. when is the really hard stuff get here??? doh!!!! at least I have a sense of humor still....maybe its actually dementia....nahhhh.....thanks all love this site....
TMCM Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 The responsibility for the bad state of the marriage falls on the shoulders of BOTH spouses, BUT the responsibility for chosing to have an affair falls squarely on the shoulders of the US(unfaithful spouse). Your are in love with a memory of someone who may or may not have existed. You can't expect to be loved by someone who shows no respect towards you whatsoever. The only thing you can do is respect yourself by not taking anymore of her sick, crappy, and abusive behavior by moving on with your life. It won't be easy, but neither are any of the worthwhile things in life.
InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Posted January 9, 2004 I don't think you should beat yourself up for wanting to save your marriage. I think you should be applauded and commended. You've done what most people, who value their marriage and love their spouse, would have done. I also don't think, at 38, that your wife is pre-menopausal (possible but highly unlikely) or in a mid-life crisis. I am a little older than that, well in my prime and I haven't reached mid-life yet. Don't make excuses for her bad behaviour. A woman, somewhere, deserves your love and attention and everything else you have to offer. This woman does not.
Author mixedup1 Posted January 14, 2004 Author Posted January 14, 2004 Yep Yep, you all are correct. Sunday night I was driving home from my parents after dinner and I decided to take a detour past her apartment. Just to see if HE had came back yet because the way she had been acting most likely...she had been back to her non caring, I hate you, I want you out of my life routine...man why am I so freakin blind!! Sure as shineOla his car was parked outside her window. Man I was fuming, the lights were out I knew what they were doing and I had about a gallon of adrenaline released. I was a bomb ready to go off. The building has a protected entry so I could not just enter and kick the door down and strangle the two lumps of crap. That wouldnt be worth it anyways...only for the moment...nah, just kidding. Well, ya know the way I see it, this jerk should not even be with her since she is still married...I have had a hankering to take a little vengence out on him..well, I wont say what I did but lets just say he had to buy some new rubber for his car... I know I know thats not the way to handle it but damn did it feel good. It was better the the other idea I guess. Well, I was text messaged a nasty mssg from her boyfriend, he called me an impotent fag.. ouch errr oh gee that hurt...but no one saw me, I just wanted to let him know I am still around. I think someone must have slashed his tires on his car errr sumthin, he was pretty mad I think...poor baby... But, let me tell you all, that was the last emotional game she gets with me. I am to the point where I can say I hate her in a way. She has been so mean, disrespectful, vindictive, ya you get the picture...I know we will never be and why would I want her anymore?? I dont. It's just so darn sad to me that she turned into this person I don't have a clue who she is. Why does this happen to people. I thank you for all your advice, it was right on the money. I think it was her idea of trying to spend a couple hours for two nites..geez she had a lot invested into the 18 years now didnt she..that makes me sick to think she could throw it all away like that. But, yes I promise I won't get back with her. I just don't understand her. I did everything humanly possible to get her to see it was still worth her while, I guess it wasn't and I was hanging on to the past too much. This has been a real hard learning experience. I know what pure heart ache truly is and I don't like it. Now to deal with the divorce and such. I am not looking forward to the twists and turns there but I guess I gotta deal with it head on. Again thank you all. I guess I knew all along it was over but I don't give up easily for something I believe in but in this case it takes two to want it as much as the other or no go. I just need to get the anger out of my head now which I will with time I am sure. ack! what a waste. taking deep breaths escaping to the meadow.......ahhh...
TMCM Posted January 14, 2004 Posted January 14, 2004 I hope that last message of yours was not a farewell speech. As you've seen for yourself, one of the benefits of posting is that it can help you vent your negative emotions and it certainly is better than indulging in destructive behavior that can get out of hand and result in a tragedy. I'd like to suggest that you consider limiting your contact with your W only to those things related to a separation/divorce. This is for your own emotional wellbeing and to help you on your road to personal recovery. Remember that the woman who is legally your W is not the same woman you married, and should be treated as such. Good luck and hope we hear from you soon.
Recommended Posts