When insecurity stikes...

[Ms. Joolie]

I have a thought in my head right now that I'm going to vent, would love opinions on it, too.

 

I'm in a relationship with a man that I adore. I want so much to be with him, for him to take me seriously, and for this to work. He's said already a couple of times since we got back together late December that he wants this to work as well.

 

But WTH does that mean... ?

 

I think his idea is that we may move in with each other and that could possibly lead up to marriage.

 

Fine then. It's not going to be marriage anytime soon. That's fine. I'm okay with that. While my passion is enough to want to make the commitment of marriage, perhaps it's best to be cautious.

 

However, I sometimes doubt my ability to be in a long term relationship. That's when insecurity strikes. Mainly... I feel like **** somedays because I struggle with an eating disorder. It's active right now, and just by writing this out I know that it's the reason my emotions are off.

 

Last night I was at my therapist's again and she encouraged me to look into anti-depressants. (!) I just about cried. I don't want to be that person. I refuse to believe I'm ill. It's like I only have to eat well, sleep well and exercise for a month and then I'll be better......

 

But in the meantime. My health is not where it should be. I'm moody and tired and insecure in my relationship right now over this.

 

 

This will be my last thread complaining about my ED. ****. I've posted these before.

 

 

Just the thought that is on my mind is how insecure I am when my ED is active, AND trying to tag along this relationship with a man who deserves someone who is healthy.

 

It breaks my heart because.....

 

 

Perhaps I should just let him go.

[Ms. Joolie]

LS'ers,

 

I am seriously asking for your help on this situation. From what you read here, what are your thoughts in regard to letting this man go?

 

Would you let him go? Would you stay with him? What kind of conversation would you have with him on your bad days, if one at all?

 

 

Outside thoughts would be so helpful right now. I'm not asking for kind ones exactly or hearing stuff that only I would want to hear. I value true criticism.

 

 

Thanks.

[mansquito]

Last night I was at my therapist's again and she encouraged me to look into anti-depressants. (!) I just about cried. I don't want to be that person. I refuse to believe I'm ill. It's like I only have to eat well, sleep well and exercise for a month and then I'll be better......

 

Uhhh... what's your beef with anti-depressants?

 

There's no shame in taking them. A chemical imbalance in the brain is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If your therapist, who is a presumably a mental health professional, is suggesting them, it may be a good idea.

[Kamille]

In this instance, I would say that the first thing you need to realize is that you don't need to figure out right now whether you should let him go or not.

 

He's there, with you, and he wants to be there. You both feel this has potential. You got back together one or two months ago.

 

There is no reason to fret.

 

I feel like what's going on is that your letting anxiety guide your perception of the situation.

 

As to the ED, post about it as much as you want. You are aware that the ED is taking you over right now, and that's a first step. Take a step back and remind yourself that your thoughts, feeling and emotions about your insecurity will change.

 

i wonder, does your bf know about your ED? If so, has your therapist given the two of you tips on how to handle moments of crisis?

[paddington bear]

It means that he wants this to work as well. No mystery there

 

Why don't you simply ask him where he sees you guys heading now that you're back together, if you are afraid to ask in case the answer is 'nowhere' you're hiding from the truth, and it's best to know where you stand with him now. Did he say 'maybe' move in and 'maybe' marriage, or are you making those assumptions?

 

You are making 'letting him go' into your choice, or rather the choice of you ED. As in, you've decided that due to having an ED that you won't be a long-term prospect, when really that's up to your boyfriend to decide for himself.

 

I agree with mansquito, if your therapist advises taking anti-depressants, it might be wise to consider it. I've known many people suffering from depression and all the ones who thought as you did 'I don't want to be that person' were the ones who probably needed some help the most to get themselves out of a slump, but didn't do it because it was like admitting that they had a problem or that there was something wrong with it, whereas in reality there is not and should not be so much stigma attached to it (plenty of people I know are on anti-depressants, people I was surprised by).

 

Alternatively, try homeopathy. I was so cynical about this (huh, just sugar pills), but it worked for me when I was going under in a very stressful situation. Don't care if it was a placebo effect, or whether it genuinely is effective, the point is, it really changed my mood and helped me immensely with a very emotionally draining and confusing situation. Best of all there are no side-effects at all, so you can't lose really in giving it a shot.

[meerkat stew]

If you just have the eating disorder, and it sounds like that's all from what you post, then you should be ok for a relationship. We all have some hangups and emotional quirks. If you have an eating disorder of the "secret keeping" kind, comorbid with a personality disorder, though, would get that under wraps before getting emotionally involved with someone.

[Ms. Joolie]

Uhhh... what's your beef with anti-depressants?

 

There's no shame in taking them. A chemical imbalance in the brain is a chemical imbalance in the brain. If your therapist, who is a presumably a mental health professional, is suggesting them, it may be a good idea.

 

 

Slowly, slowly getting to an acceptance point about the possibility of trying anti-depressants. UGH! I can't stand the idea of taking pills to help me though.

 

There is shame that I have over taking anti-depressants. Also, I saw how my dad changed after taking anti-depressants. Changed drastically and then died at age 44. I always blame the meds for his death, which I know isn't entirely accurate.....

[Ms. Joolie]

I feel like what's going on is that your letting anxiety guide your perception of the situation.

 

Yes, this is true I believe. I need to calm down and just relax. I MUST begin recognizing when I start to work myself up like this. I just hate being like this and having a date the same day.

 

Yet this bizarreness is a consequence of a number of days in which I've not watched myself in regards to fighting the ED. OR.... perhaps it's just that time of the month again. LOL.

 

hmmmm...... patterns to watch out for.........

 

 

i wonder, does your bf know about your ED? If so, has your therapist given the two of you tips on how to handle moments of crisis?

 

Yes, he knows. Although he does NOT want to know the details of my struggles with it. He has made it clear that he expects me to take care of myself and not let my lack of care of myself disrupt our relationship. oh boy.

 

So I can't go to him when I'm feeling this way, because it only means that I've not managed myself. And I can't exactly be venting like this all the time to everybody in my life or on the internet. It's awful and embarrassing....

 

I'm trying to get a hold of myself, or vent here to see myself better and see what I can do to better manage myself in moments of crisis.

[Ms. Joolie]

It means that he wants this to work as well. No mystery there

 

awwww..... thank you. Comforting thought there.

 

 

You are making 'letting him go' into your choice, or rather the choice of you ED. As in, you've decided that due to having an ED that you won't be a long-term prospect, when really that's up to your boyfriend to decide for himself.

 

Always I jump to this.... I just want to let him go because I see how I am at these points. I don't know how to manage myself at this low point and a relationship. I've not proven that I can get back on track with myself and maintain the relationship. It's why my BF and I have been on/off for 3.5 years!! When we are off, it's because I cracked just like this and couldn't hold on.

 

And feeling this way today is blinding. I can't let him go. I must hold on and give this a chance.

 

I just don't have any past reference for holding on in these moments. It's a process I need to learn and practice this time around for the life of me.... or rather the life of the relationship.

 

 

And thank you for the homeopathy tip. Will look into it.

[Ms. Joolie]

If you just have the eating disorder, and it sounds like that's all from what you post, then you should be ok for a relationship. We all have some hangups and emotional quirks. If you have an eating disorder of the "secret keeping" kind, comorbid with a personality disorder, though, would get that under wraps before getting emotionally involved with someone.

 

The eating disorder is my only curse... and I'm trying to be more open about it so I can get the help I need. Talked to my mom about it, my doctor, receive coaching and go to therapy. lol. Then of course the BF knows.

 

In a way it's a personality disorder, because it does affect me in that way when I don't manage myself. ugh.

 

But somehow I have to make it ok to be in a relationship. I have to get past these crisis and get back on my feet. There really is a life worth living once I get past this ED. sigh.

[Ms. Joolie]

Thanks everyone......... really needed to vent and get feedback to calm and sort me out.

 

My threads are crazy but it really does help a lot to get this kind of feedback/support.

[alphamale]

It breaks my heart because.....

 

 

Perhaps I should just let him go.

what do you want me to say? i assume you are just venting and not really looking for advice

[Ms. Joolie]

what do you want me to say? i assume you are just venting and not really looking for advice

 

Oh wise Alphamale... what advice would you give a female in this her time of distress? What words to take with her in these moments of crisis?

[alphamale]

Oh wise Alphamale... what advice would you give a female in this her time of distress? What words to take with her in these moments of crisis?

one must work on one's self first and then worry about other matters

[meerkat stew]

I have to get past these crisis and get back on my feet. There really is a life worth living once I get past this ED. sigh.

 

The simple fact that you post here concerned says that you are capable of a relationship, truly messed up folks develop other harmful means for dealing with their issues rather than addressing them head on as you are doing, and are in such pain that they don't have any compassion or concern left over for anyone but themselves. It seems you will make a fine GF for him, stop worrying about whether you are good enough, and make sure he is up to -your- standards.

[Ms. Joolie]

one must work on one's self first and then worry about other matters

 

From this I understand that I should focus so much more on myself. I will allow the relationship to be, but not lose focus on myself first.

 

Truly I must get myself together. Calm myself. Build up my strength again, build up my health. Naturally, my relationship too will build up and be strong.

 

 

.... yes, I like that. Thanks, Alpha!

[Ms. Joolie]

The simple fact that you post here concerned says that you are capable of a relationship, truly messed up folks develop other harmful means for dealing with their issues rather than addressing them head on as you are doing, and are in such pain that they don't have any compassion or concern left over for anyone but themselves. It seems you will make a fine GF for him, stop worrying about whether you are good enough, and make sure he is up to -your- standards.

 

Thanks, meerkat. He has been so good to me, he really is beyond what I could have asked for through all this and I am grateful he's stuck it out with me. I need to appreciate him much more than just running with this "let him go" mentality.

 

Although I do have to admit that every time I give into my ED it's a very selfish thing to do. THIS chaos is a consequence of all that and it ruins our relationship. It's MY fault because I didn't care enough to manage my well being.

 

It's painful to admit, but the mismanagement of my well-being affects not only my life, but the lives of those around me. It's SELFISH to live with an ED and COMPLETELY inconsiderate, it completely devalues my life and the people around me.

 

This is something I recently realized. And it hurts. And I need to consider this profoundly. So while I do care for our relationship NOW in the time of distress, it's kinda messed up that it's only NOW in the time of distress.

 

 

I'm so desperately wanting to get out of this chaos that I create. This is what I've lived with, but recently I've amped up getting support in the hopes of kicking this thing.

[Calendula]

Yes, this is true I believe. I need to calm down and just relax. I MUST begin recognizing when I start to work myself up like this. I just hate being like this and having a date the same day.

 

Yet this bizarreness is a consequence of a number of days in which I've not watched myself in regards to fighting the ED. OR.... perhaps it's just that time of the month again. LOL.

 

hmmmm...... patterns to watch out for......... .

 

There is totally something to this. I get especially moody at certain times of the month and anything that is even the slightest bit wrong gets magnified all out of proportion. It is hard pulling out of it and taking control again, but I've found that recognizing that I'm doing it is the first step towards slowing the negative cycle and possibly stopping it altogether.

 

Multiple factors always make it worse, though, and in my case such factors are usually the following: not enough exercise, too much sleep, not drinking enough water or juice, not eating well, not leaving the house for several days at a time, stress associated with work, etc. Put all of these things on top of hormone induced mood swings, and I either end up yelling at someone or curled up in a ball crying. Sucks, but I've found that if I take care of all the things I can control (exercise, sleep, food, etc) than when that time of the month rolls around, my mood swings aren't even a quarter as bad as they can be. It is just a matter of deciding to do it and then taking action.

 

Yes, he knows. Although he does NOT want to know the details of my struggles with it. He has made it clear that he expects me to take care of myself and not let my lack of care of myself disrupt our relationship. oh boy.

 

So I can't go to him when I'm feeling this way, because it only means that I've not managed myself. And I can't exactly be venting like this all the time to everybody in my life or on the internet. It's awful and embarrassing....

 

I'm trying to get a hold of myself, or vent here to see myself better and see what I can do to better manage myself in moments of crisis.

 

While there is something to be said for taking control of your own life and sorting yourself out on your own, we all need help from time to time, even if it is hard to admit it. If he really wants to be there for you and help you become a better, healthier person, than times like this are when you most need him. He doesn't have to know all the details in order to be supportive and someone you can vent to. Sure it will stress him out some, but it might help you get through such episodes much faster, or possibly prevent them altogether. Perhaps you should talk to him about this, and ask him for more direct support in dealing with this issue. Tell him that you NEED him to support you and be especially understanding, if only for these times when you are feeling especially unbalanced.

 

My opinion is that you should feel like you can go to him on this. The only thing worse than being alone with your problems, is feeling like you are completely alone with your problems, even when you have someone who you are technically with. If you can't go to him with this, the biggest issue you have, the root of all other issues you have, then I think that he is failing you in his role as your partner and your source of support when you need it the most. He may not even realize this, and I would suggest talking about it with him and asking for his help before making any other kinds of decisions about your relationship.

 

The simple fact that you post here concerned says that you are capable of a relationship, truly messed up folks develop other harmful means for dealing with their issues rather than addressing them head on as you are doing, and are in such pain that they don't have any compassion or concern left over for anyone but themselves. It seems you will make a fine GF for him, stop worrying about whether you are good enough, and make sure he is up to -your- standards.

 

I agree with this. Don't 'let him go' out of misplaced pity for him having to 'deal with your problems'. Make sure that he is giving you what you need and meeting your standards first (see above).

 

Thanks, meerkat. He has been so good to me, he really is beyond what I could have asked for through all this and I am grateful he's stuck it out with me. I need to appreciate him much more than just running with this "let him go" mentality.

 

Although I do have to admit that every time I give into my ED it's a very selfish thing to do. THIS chaos is a consequence of all that and it ruins our relationship. It's MY fault because I didn't care enough to manage my well being.

 

It's painful to admit, but the mismanagement of my well-being affects not only my life, but the lives of those around me. It's SELFISH to live with an ED and COMPLETELY inconsiderate, it completely devalues my life and the people around me.

 

This is something I recently realized. And it hurts. And I need to consider this profoundly. So while I do care for our relationship NOW in the time of distress, it's kinda messed up that it's only NOW in the time of distress.

 

I'm so desperately wanting to get out of this chaos that I create. This is what I've lived with, but recently I've amped up getting support in the hopes of kicking this thing.

 

If your ED affect the lives of so many people around you, then they are the ones you should be asking to help you with your condition, because they have a vested interest in you as a friend, family, etc. You are NOT alone in dealing with your problem, but you DO have to ask for help, and you have to be able to tell those who are willing to help you exactly HOW they can best support you and help you recover when you are at your worst. You also have to know when to take action of your own (calling a friend, etc) to stop the downward spiral into chaos before it gets so far out of control that no one can reach you and you really do need meds.

 

As far as everything about your ED being your 'fault', think about the words you are using here. It is good to take responsibility for your actions, but not so much so that you sink into despair and self-loathing. Give yourself a break! Sure, you are responsible for your own actions, but instead of focusing your energy on the negative (it is all my fault, woe is me, why did I do that), focus on the positive fact that your actions are also within your control. This just means that it is within YOUR power to do something about it. Be strong, seek support and strength from those who love you, and believe that you will beat this problem of yours. You can do it, just focus on one thing at a time.

[Ms. Joolie]

Calendula,

 

Thank you for being so thorough in your response. It's such a good read, and really adds to this thread being something I can come back to and re-read in those spiral moments of mine.

 

 

Give yourself a break! Sure, you are responsible for your own actions, but instead of focusing your energy on the negative (it is all my fault, woe is me, why did I do that), focus on the positive fact that your actions are also within your control.

 

Yes! Absofreakinglutely! There are two things I need to take with me right now.

 

1. RELAX!

 

My life is always on the go, and my brain is always on "busy". I don't relax. It's like I jump or drag myself out of bed, live a 'busy' day and then crawl back in at the end of the day.

 

Somehow I lose myself. I don't relax. I make bad choices. I react instead of being 'present' enough or having a clear enough head to manage my well-being and be proactive about things.

 

 

2. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE

 

My head can get so foggy and negative. I mean, I feel negative right now. It's like baggage and I just want to let it go. It just cannot get to this point. I hate feeling, thinking, choosing negatively.

 

I need to relax, and once my head clears, I need to focus on the positive.

 

 

......sigh.

 

 

Well the good news is that with all this stuff coming to light, it does help me to clear things up a bit and make better choices. I'm SO embarrassed by my behavior and HATE admitting it. lol. But I have to. It really does help. Sometimes I think I abuse LS with my rants but in the end... I needed this.

 

Am seeing a nutritionist this month, and will take other actions for my well-being. I want this to be the last of these outbursts like this. Doubtless I'll have low points but on of my goals is better management of myself at these low point times.

[Ms. Joolie]

As for my relationship.... my new attitude is just to "let it be."

 

This goes for so many things. There is no use in worrying or in fussing over change or in getting all uptight over what isn't.

 

Just let it be.

 

 

Relaxing and focusing on the positive can apply to my relationship as well.

[Kamille]

Hi Miss J,

 

It sounds like you're doing a bit better and I'm glad to hear it.

 

And I nearly jumped out of my chair clapping when I finished Calendula's post. I especially love this:

 

As far as everything about your ED being your 'fault', think about the words you are using here. It is good to take responsibility for your actions, but not so much so that you sink into despair and self-loathing. Give yourself a break! Sure, you are responsible for your own actions, but instead of focusing your energy on the negative (it is all my fault, woe is me, why did I do that), focus on the positive fact that your actions are also within your control. This just means that it is within YOUR power to do something about it. Be strong, seek support and strength from those who love you, and believe that you will beat this problem of yours. You can do it, just focus on one thing at a time.

 

I would add, taking responsibility for yourself does not equate being perfect. It's actually the opposite: it's recognizing that you are not perfect and loving and caring for yourself anyway (or even, because of it!).

 

I also feel that it's important to recognize that you can't have perfect control of everything in your life, but you can love yourself no matter what.

 

For instance, I see academics around me blame themselves for not getting enough done, when really, realistically, their conditions of work are such that they can never do enough. But instead of recognizing that, they blame themselves for being 'lazy' or 'disorganized' even though they work endlessly. So if you have that kind of job (or lifestyle), learn to distinguish between what is within your control and what isn't. In other words, you might have to revise your expectations of yourself and what you can reasonably accomplish. Don't internalize it as a 'fault' or 'weakness' but recognize it as a healthy readjustment.

Edited February 4, 2010 by Kamille

[Calendula]

Hi Miss J,

 

It sounds like you're doing a bit better and I'm glad to hear it.

 

And I nearly jumped out of my chair clapping when I finished Calendula's post. I especially love this:

 

I would add, taking responsibility for yourself does not equate being perfect. It's actually the opposite: it's recognizing that you are not perfect and loving and caring for yourself anyway (or even, because of it!).

 

I also feel that it's important to recognize that you can't have perfect control of everything in your life, but you can love yourself no matter what.

 

For instance, I see academics around me blame themselves for not getting enough done, when really, realistically, their conditions of work are such that they can never do enough. But instead of recognizing that, they blame themselves for being 'lazy' or 'disorganized' even though they work endlessly. So if you have that kind of job (or lifestyle), learn to distinguish between what is within your control and what isn't. In other words, you might have to revise your expectations of yourself and what you can reasonably accomplish. Don't internalize it as a 'fault' or 'weakness' but recognize it as a healthy readjustment.

 

Thank you Kamille . You have some excellent points and insight yourself, and I really appreciated your additions and totally agree with your post.

 

It took me a while to get to the realization, but I completely agree with what you describe about Academics. I've been there, blaming myself for not getting enough done, focusing on the failures and how little I can control the outcome of my research. The thing about research, or even life sometimes, it that often it is 99% failure and 1% success, and if you can't let the failures go and focus on the successes, you get stuck in the past, focusing all your energy on things that have happened which you can't go back and change. You have to look forward to the future in order to move forward with your life and grow to be someone better. Look towards where you want to go, not back to where you've been. No matter how bad the past is, it is still the past, it happened and it is over, so you might as well learn from it and move on to what is next, trying not to repeat your mistakes.

 

I still get stuck in the negative rut sometimes, and what I posted for Ms Joolie is what I've found works to help me deal with it and stop or reverse the downward spiral. Letting go, letting things be, and focusing your energy on positive things that you have control over is the best way to survive sometimes.

[Calendula]

Calendula,

 

Thank you for being so thorough in your response. It's such a good read, and really adds to this thread being something I can come back to and re-read in those spiral moments of mine.

 

Yes! Absofreakinglutely! There are two things I need to take with me right now.

 

1. RELAX!

 

My life is always on the go, and my brain is always on "busy". I don't relax. It's like I jump or drag myself out of bed, live a 'busy' day and then crawl back in at the end of the day.

 

Somehow I lose myself. I don't relax. I make bad choices. I react instead of being 'present' enough or having a clear enough head to manage my well-being and be proactive about things.

 

 

2. FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE

 

My head can get so foggy and negative. I mean, I feel negative right now. It's like baggage and I just want to let it go. It just cannot get to this point. I hate feeling, thinking, choosing negatively.

 

I need to relax, and once my head clears, I need to focus on the positive.

 

I'm so glad that I've been able to give you something that might help; perspective can be such a valuable thing sometimes. I also have to remind myself of these things often, so know that you're not alone in working to beat the negative cycles. I'll probably be re-reading this thread too, if only to remind myself that I really do know better, when I get in my more negative moods.

 

To help your head clear and change your focus, you might try making a list on paper of all the little things that you did today that you're proud of yourself for, no matter how silly they might seem. Things like: got out of bed, ate breakfast, made the bed, locked the car, brushed my hair, took a shower, made it in to work, etc. It might help you see that you could be doing so much worse, and that you're actually not as bad off as you thought. Don't take the list backwards (but I could/should have done ___), and try to keep the focus on what you DID DO, no matter how small, and let yourself be proud of yourself for it. I've done this on backs of envelopes, scraps of paper, anywhere, and it really does help sometimes.

 

Well the good news is that with all this stuff coming to light, it does help me to clear things up a bit and make better choices. I'm SO embarrassed by my behavior and HATE admitting it. lol. But I have to. It really does help. Sometimes I think I abuse LS with my rants but in the end... I needed this.

 

Am seeing a nutritionist this month, and will take other actions for my well-being. I want this to be the last of these outbursts like this. Doubtless I'll have low points but one of my goals is better management of myself at these low point times.

 

If you keep telling yourself that "this will be the last time" and then you have another negative episode, you're just going to be giving yourself one more reason to be mad at yourself, perpetuating the negative cycle. Like Kamille said, you have to accept that you're not perfect and love yourself anyway.

 

Your goal, better management, is totally on the right track! If you can accept the fact that what you don't want to happen is going to happen again, no matter what, and instead FOCUS on how you choose to manage it each time it happens, then you might improve your chances of success. Tell yourself "Ok, the next time this happens, I'm going to do ___ as soon as I realize I'm headed downward." And let the ___ be something simple and small that you know you'll be able to do. It is like building a positive habbit, but you're changing who you are, and you have to do it a little by little so that each little bit sticks and truly becomes a part of you. Don't expect yourself to change in tremendous ways overnight, or even over a week or month. If you expect great changes all at once, you'll again be setting yourself up for dissapointment. Focus on the little positive things each day, and be tremendously proud of yourself for even the smallest improvement or step forward.

 

I also just thought of something else:

 

Focusing on the positives is something that your friends and SO can help you with. When you make a small step forward, tell them, praise yourself ("guess what I did today :)"), and ask for their praise ("aren't you so proud of me?"). Ask them to try and say something when they notice that you've made an improvement, or are having a good day. Let them help you with positive reinforcement, and explian to them that even the smallest advance forward (having a salad for lunch, etc) means a lot to you.