I realized how much I loved her after she left me. ... How do I get her back?

[Vince]

Well, I am losing hope and hoping to find some advice from people who do not know me. And this is long, so I appreciate any of you who read through it all and respond. Thanks! Again, this is very long!

 

My girlfriend and I got together about 4 years ago. Things were great at the beginning. It didn't take long for us to find out we loved each other -- hell, only about a month. We hooked up in the summer and met when I was home from college. When the fall semester started, I had to go back to school and we had a long-distance relationship. Well, she was in Denver and I in Fort Collins, so not-so-long-distance -- about 60 miles. I would go to Denver every weekend and spend as much time as I could with her.

 

Again, the long-distance didn't hurt us. The only way it did was because it sucked being away, but that only made the time we spent special. But later that year -- toward our first year anniversary -- she got pregnant. I said we should have an abortion because neither of us were ready and we were both still in school. She didn't want to. She doesn't believe abortion should ever be an option unless in cases of rape and incest. But we went through with it after struggling through the decision. She said she only did it to honor my wishes. And I feel terrible about it. I feel I was being a coward and selfish to ask that of her, and I hate that we did that. But, in my mind, these are normal pains in dealing with abortion. That was the first strain in our relationship.

 

Then, after the abortion, she was looking through some of my pictures from college. I made some friends. Girls. And these girls did flirt with me a lot, and I must admit, it made me feel good and I hid a lot from her. I never did anything with them, but I felt guilty. I didn't want to hurt my love. I was a coward. Anyway, I drew this design on one of the girls' stomach. There was this picture of me laying on her -- on her bed -- drawing. And the facial expressions didn't help. Like I said, it was innocent, but inappropriate. But I never had that kind of attention from girls before. It felt good. But I hid it from her, and she eventually found that picture.

 

That was a huge crack in our foundation. She went through something she didn't want to do, and then she finds that I was hiding something from her at school. Not good! Everything about us was picture-perfect, and this was our first challenge. Something I failed, miserably!

 

With the abortion, I just wanted to hide from it. It hurt, so I just ignored it! Same with the picture. She was upset, hurt about it, and it really shook her confidence in us. But I did the stupid thing and told her it was nothing and not to worry about it. Basically, "hide your feelings, dear!" I have a knack for trying to keep emotions hidden and hoping they go away. Especially painful ones.

 

After the picture, she was very jealous. She would catch me looking at girls and it would freak her out. She would always want to talk about it, but I never faced the issue with her. Again, ignore it and it will go away.

 

But it never did. She was becoming more and more jealous. Probably because I never worked on it with her. She started demanding more of my attention and wanted to spend more time with me. I started to freak out. I was a college kid. Sometimes, I would want to go out and hang with the guys. Plus, she was more jealous and I started to push her away -- emotionally. I pushed her away because I didn't want to work on a problem I started by being misleading. And pushing her away made her feel under appreciated and unloved.

 

But we were still good. We fell deeper and deeper in love and depending on each other for companionship. about two years into the relationship, she moved up here during my final year at college. This was a dream of both of ours. We had always talked about how great it would be to move in together. Then it happened. But I wasn't ready. A couple months before we moved in together, I told her I wanted a "break" and date other people. Now understand, I never did date anyone, nor did I want to, but it was a diversion. I wanted to separate us a bit because things were moving really fast and we never dealt with her jealousy issue. It was another tactic I used to ignore our problems. I didn't want to think about what was bothering me about us and what was bothering her about us. I didn't want to work on it. I just wanted us to be.

 

The break was a fraud. We never really did. We still moved in together. We were still intimate and still in love. But, in my mind, there was a bit of separation between us, even though it didn't really exist. And that allowed me to further separate us, and that caused her to be more jealous. Not to mention, it hurt her very bad. I mean, that was a terrible thing to do to her. I stung her along just so I could separate us so I didn't have to face anything. I was a coward.

 

So our dream of living together turned out to be a nightmare. She wanted us, I said I didn't, even though I did. But whenever we had problems, I would tell her to go away. She made some new friends and I told her to go to them. Honestly, I was jealous myself. She found other people and didn't need me like she used to. I thought I was losing her, so I pushed her away further to avoid the pain. And worse yet, I convinced myself I didn't need her and would be better without her. I only thought that because she was still there providing me the love and companionship I needed.

 

I did some rotten things to her. She would want to hang out with me. She would do some really nice things for me and I would barley even notice. When she wanted attention from me or would want to talk about us, I told her "I can't deal with this right now!" Ouch! A cold shoulder. In my defense, I was facing graduation and busy with some things in my life. I was stressed out. I had no clue what I was going to do after graduating. I had too much to deal with at the time, and stressing out over us was not an option -- especially since I created that separation. I realize that was wrong and it hurt her bad. I could spend some time with her. I can give her some attention and try to answer questions about us. Of course, I realized this after she left me. Oh, and there were other things I did to her. At graduation, I didn't take a picture with her. That hurt her bad and made her feel like a fifth wheel. I didn't try to exclude her, but I had family there and it was chaotic. I just didn't think about it. But, I hate that I did that to her and will live with that the rest of my life.

 

She wasn't happy living with me. And I did another dumb thing. My brother wanted to start college and I wanted to help him. I told him we -- my brother and I -- would find a place so he could get going. Gwen was hurt. I was moving away from her. Now, I didn't mean that I didn't want to live with her, but I never told her that. After I told her I was moving in with my brother after our lease was up, she made arrangements to move in with her new friend. I was a little shocked because I assumed she would live with me and my brother would be a roommate. I never wanted to move away from her, but I had no choice at this point. And even though I created a little separation between us, I loved her dearly and wanted to stay together. But the damage was done. Eventually, we both agreed moving away would be for the better. Things were a little rocky, so maybe moving apart would prove to help us. Well, it did and it didn't.

 

So my brother and I moved in to a place and she moved in with her friend. Shortly after we moved away, I started missing her and realizing, again, how much I love her. She missed me, too. So we still spent lots of time together. And at one point I told her how much I love her and I wanted to fix us and be totally committed again. But even though that is what I wanted, it was still hard to break old habits. She would spend the night and bring us up and I would stall again. Again, I was still stressed out. Graduation sucked, I didn't have a job and I didn't know what I was doing in life. But this one night she was crying because some guy asked her out a night she went out with her friends. She came here and told me about it. First, I was jealous. Second, when she was honestly panicking about us and asking about us, I told her "I can't deal with this right now" Ouch! That hurt. She was so upset and I pushed her away. And this after I told her I wanted to work on us. Dumbest thing I ever did. This marked the beginning of the end.

 

We still hung out and spent a lot of time together. But then she started to go away. Calls were less frequent. She didn't come to my house very often. When we did talk, she would say things like "see why we are not together" when she saw a picture of Gwen Stefani on my computer. I didn't take the hints and basically ignored her cries to fix us. Again, I was stressing out, but that is no excuse. I love her and should have treated her with respect and address her concerns and breaking heart. I guess this was the time she started mourning over us. I didn't know, but she we were through in her mind.

 

The distance between started to hit me. And I lost my demeaning part-time job. My life was crashing before me. So who do I go to? Of course I went to her. I remember the conversion clear as day. We were talking and she said something about she couldn't come over or something because we weren't together. She said "Vince, we are not together!" I said "then why don't we get back together!" She said "because I don't want you, and I am dating someone else!!!!!"

 

HUH????!!!!

 

When did this happen? I know I was oblivious to a lot, but how did this happen? Just a month ago we were hanging out all the time and things seemed -- to me -- to be getting better! But, I guess not for her! She said she didn't want me because I was never there for her. She brought up all our baggage. Her jealousy, the abortion, my pushing her away. She waited around for a long time and finally she got sick of it and left me. And right when I started to realize how much I loved her and needed her in my life.

 

Since then I have been driving her crazy. I would call bunch of times asking her to get back with me and that I have realized what I did and want to work on us. She says there is no us and she doesn't want to work on us. And she has this other guy who treats her really well and makes her feel really good. Now I understand this guy is Romeo right now. Especially since he is giving her the attention I hadn't for so long.

 

Now many people would move on. I cannot! I love her too much and I know she still loves me. I mean, it was only a couple of months ago where we were hanging out and talking about fixing us. This is so sudden to me. And it shouldn't be. I pushed her away, of course she is going to leave. It did take her a while, but that just proves to me she loves me so much that she was willing to be strung along in hopes I would come around.

 

Our love is very special and she is refusing to work on us now. I have done all I can. I have tried to explain how I was wrong. I have sent her music we shared, letters, cards, gifts, etc. Anything I can think of that would make her realize how I messed up and what I am willing to do to fix us. She isn't budging -- and part because she has this new guy. She says "why would I want to go back to a relationship I hated, when he treats me like a princess?" But I know she is not totally convinced we are through. She also says things like "do you think you are the only stress in my life? I basically have two options. I have this guy who treats me good, and I have this other guy who I love -- and that would be you (me) -- who is doing nice things for me also." Then she will also say things like, give it time. Basically saying she needs this time to date and find out what she wants, because right now she doesn't want me.

 

And I can respect that. Hell, I needed time to figure out how much I loved her and needed her. The only difference is she never had to deal with another girl in the way. And she always had me around. Right now, she basically refuses to spend time with me or even talk on the phone. She lets me call about once or twice a week. And I usually violate that because I can't just not talk to her. Especially since I am freaking out over losing her and wanting to get her back. Plus, time to me is a bad thing. Eventually, she will totally move on and learn to live without me. How much harder is it going to be to fix us when so much time has passed? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but she is with another guy who treats her great and she only has past memories of how poorly I treated her and how I am stressing her out now by calling her all the time and trying to fix something she says is dead -- even though I know she doesn't consider us dead. She'll say things like, "I need to break up with him, go through a rebound and then see if we can get back together!" She is leaving the door open to us, but says she needs time to figure it out. Which sounds good, but I am afraid time will only make her fly farther away from me. I am trying juggle my respect for her wishes and needs to be apart from me and date someone else with a realistic fear that time will take her away from me. And I can't give up on us. Our love is too special and worth fighting for.

 

Anyway, she is doing things of her own to push me away. When we do talk, I have to hear about all the great things about this guy, and I am reminded of all the terrible things about me and our relationship. But I swallow it. I think "she is still hurt about us and this guy is new and exciting and not bringing her all the stresses I did and continue to bring." She'll tell me all the little things she hates about me and how different she is now. But, I know her better and know she is hurt and confused. And she told me that while we were together she had sex with some other girl. Now, I know we weren't officially together, but we were living together and still intimate. That hurts. Plus, she used to mess around with girls before we got together and she knew it bothered me. But, I never held it against her -- how could I? But, again, I can't blame her for that. I was being terrible to her and she did something to make her feel good. She is human. I can look past it, even if it kills me. And I can look past it because I caused this and I love her!

 

And now I carry this guilt. I did this to her and I did this to me and I did this to us. If I would have realized what I do now and listened to her and paid attention to her, none of this would have happened! I hate myself and have spent the last month hating that I can't convince her to fix us and hating myself because I caused this. I have not been able to sleep or eat. And all my thoughts are centered on fixing us and what went wrong. I can't move on because I still believe in us. Moving on would be great, but it is not the right thing to do. I love her too much and I know I can treat her the way she deserves. I have grown and realized a lot from this break up and I am convinced that if we can work things out, we would be stronger than ever. And I know she still loves me and wants to work things out. She is still hurt about how I treated her and she has this guy -- a rebound -- to make her feel good.

 

So what do I do? How can I get us back together? What advice might you have? And thanks again for reading through this and offering any advice. I know this was long, but this story is messy and I only covered the surface. I am lost without her and I am losing hope and options in getting her back. And as rough as it has been lately for me, I know harder times are ahead if I ever realize she may be lost forever.

 

Please help if you can. ...

 

Cheers

~vince

[InLoKo]

I don't think you said how long ago you split up. I don't believe there is anything you can do right now. It really is up to her. She seems to have her head screwed on and knows what she is doing. You have one thing in your favour. It's you she loves, not the other guy. Despite the fact that he treats her well and you didn't, we can't help who we fall in love with and she has told you she loves you. Although you clearly know what you did wrong, I would be surprised if you could change just like that. If she does come back to you, how do you know that when things get comfortable again, you won't fall back into your old habits? If I were you, I would spend some time fixing you and trying to understand why you let this girl slip through your fingers, despite the fact that she gave you many chances and hung around for a lot longer than you deserved. Leave her alone for a while. You pestering her is only doing damage with you chances IMO. Give her space and respect, as she has asked. Remember, love is the most powerful of emotions.

[assap6]

vince, i know how you feel. i am in about the same boat as you are. it sounds like you guys are young, so we are. the only complication we have is that we are married and have a beautiful baby girl.

 

i've been searching the net for answers for quite some time. there is a great site i found that's been of a lot of help to me. that is marriagebuilders.com. a lot of information on relationships, men and women and their needs and they also have a very active forum w/a lot of very smart people. check it out. i've been posting there for the last 3 weeks. be sure to read all the articles on the site before joining the discussion board.

 

sergey

[mandrews1119]

Dear Vince,

As so many others, I am currently going through my own situation, with a relationship that has been very long term. She left me and is strictly enforcing the "no contact" rule. I have just come to grips with this, and I know the "next" move is up to her, but that she needs time to heal. It will be the hardest thing to do in my life, but I must give her space, if it is meant, she will find her way back. That does not mean I (or you, Vince) have to give up hope. It means we have to make a way to cope, until it is time for the next thing to happen between you and her. Perhaps it will be contact, perhaps more working on ourselves (men hate that part, don't we), I cannot say, there are no real rules. whatever it takes for you to get by without compromisisng yourself, or principals of the relationship. sometimes one person dates, the other may not, who knows? Just stay strong and keep focused. If you think it is over - it isn't. If you think she isn't thinking of you, - she is. If you think there is no hope - there is. Best of luck. I believe in miracles, yours can be one.

[Vince]

Thanks for your advice. Almost everyone tells me to leave her alone, but that is so very hard. As I said time is my enemy -- in my mind!

 

To answer InLoKo's question, we have been split up for about two and a half months. But, there was the break, which was a fraud because we were still intimate and spending all our time together, that lingered around for about a year -- the year we lived together.

 

And I have a question! I get a lot of the "let her be" advice. But how do I handle that? She is dating this other guy and I am afraid I will lose her to him. This guy is a rebound and I am certain it cannot last. From what I gather, they really don't have much going for them now, except he is being Romeo and treated her nice and buying her stuff. The only thoughts she has of me -- or what she tells me -- are the bad things. I don't want her to absorb herself in this guy and think only bad things about me because then she may force herself into this guy to avoid me. I don't know! If we were just broken up, I might be able to stay away and let her figure things out, but this other guy makes things more complicated. And I am so hurt about it! We were together for four years and shared so much, and I can't believe she left me so suddenly -- in my mind -- and started dating this other guy. I feel hurt and disrespected, but I really have no right to feel that way since I caused this.

 

Thanks for your help, guys. If anyone else has advice, I truly appreciate it.

 

Cheers

~vince

[EnigmaXOXO]

If you keep pushing someone away, whether consciously or subconsciously, it won't matter how persistent that person is or how much they love you, they will eventually get the hint and walk. Every person's threshold for pain is different and so are their limits as to how much they will endure.

 

I think its good that you are looking back on some of the things you may have done wrong this time around. But rather then beating yourself up over what you can not go back and change, perhaps it would be helpful if you thought about how you might handle things differently the next time. Would you change it?...and how might you act differently in a similar situation now that you've learned a lesson from it?

 

EVERYBODY makes relationship mistakes. Particularly when the concept is so new to us and we have little experience. First relationships are often just 'test runs' and we'll fail again and again until we learn who we are and what we really want from a partnership... and even out of life in general. It's important to first figure out whether we're really ready for a relationship at all, or if we'd rather just remain single until we've figured ourselves out.

 

I don't know if there's a chance to get your girl back. It doesn't seem likely right now considering all that's happened. But more importantly, Vince needs to get right with himself and really do some soul searching to decide if he's actually READY to put in the work required to handle a relationship. It takes a lot! Are you really willing to compromise those aspects of your single life that you still enjoy? ... The attention from all the other females that you like so much? Are you willing to let down you walls and allow someone in? And what changes would you make within yourself the next time around...if not with this girl, but the next?

 

And these are merely rhetorical questions. Things we all need to think about. No need to answer them to anyone but yourself.

[mr_roggger]

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but she is with another guy who treats her great and she only has past memories of how poorly I treated her "

 

My ex is with another guy (casually) too, and just enjoying the single life for a while I think. If you are interested, check out my posts. Trust me here, time does work, and if you read through the posts you will see a story progress throughout the giving time and space period (you'll have to look back a few pages to get to the 1st post of mine!).

She only has past memories of haow poorly you treated her...that's because you keep contacting her and reaffirming this image in her head. some time without contact will allow these feelings to fade, and good memories of you will be re-kindled as this rebound relationship dies (as you suggest), realising that you had so many great imes together, far more than this guy can give her any time soon. Time helps both of you! I urge you to give it a period of no contact, for a month or 2 to let her wonder what you are up to. This will increase her respect for you too, seeing that you are capable of getting along with things in your life without having to constantly think of her. In this time apart, concentrate on improving yourself!

It works, read my posts, I feel so much better now than I did towards the end of October!

[lost_in_chgo]

ok mr_rogger, you have the lead now.

 

So tell me this...

I was dumped in the start of September after dating for six months during her divorce and a close friendship for a year prior to that and a work relationship for several years before that. Tried the friends thing for almost two months at her insistence, but that wasn't working. I pushed a bit too hard, she reacted too hard, I eventually said that she should stay away until she worked things out. I waited two months and sent her an email just telling her what I was up to, not asking anything or making any requests. A few weeks later I sent an xmas card to her work (and to a group of her coworkers I used to work with there). No reply to the email or the card.

 

Does that count as contact? I'm trying to practice no contact to give her the time she needs to recover from the divorce and to explore herself. She was married for ten years and been with the ex husband for years before that and from an early age (he may have been her first).

[mr_roggger]

Well, I'm trying the friends thing now as you know, hoping that it will lead to more eventually. I don't know about the no reply to you business, but I see no harm in you sending the xmas card, it shows that you haven't forgotten completely about her. I would have given the card the thumbs up if you had asked for advice on sending or not. I am unsure as to wheather this counts as contact or not, since it's indirect and without it you could just appear cold-hearted not wishing someone a happy xmas!

[Vince]

Thanks guys! Your advice is helping. So is hearing that so many has delt, or is dealing, with the same thing.

 

Anyway, I wanted to add a little more to clarify the situation and explain my confusion.

 

She is still talking to me. At first, I would cry and tell her how much I want her back and how sorry I am. Then, I let a few days go by and she missed me. It was Christmas eve and I told her I would call the Friday after Christmas. I didn't. I waited until the following Monday. I did this just to make her think a little. "He was always calling, now he didn't!" She actually called me Sunday because she was afraid I did something to myself. I missed the call, saw that I did, but stayed with my plan to call her Monday. So I did. Things started well and we talked about what each other did on Christmas. Then I got into the "can we get back together" speech. She was not happy about that. And she started saying all the things she did before -- "I hate you, I am not happy with you, this Romeo is great."

 

But then I called her back that night after speaking with my mother. I told her I realized I cannot fix things right now because she is not willing and I have to fix it with me first. She appreciated that and we have since talked every now and then. I hold back and avoid talking to her about "US" I do this because I want to be friends with her and stay in contact. Our friendship was the strength of our relationship, so I am trying to fix that first. But in the back of my mind I will always try to get us back together. And I am afraid that if I bring that up when she isn't ready, then I will start back to where she didn't want to talk or anything.

 

I told her I need to meet with her. Like I said, the relationship failed because I didn't work on it. I told her I want to meet with her face to face, let go fo this guilt, then, if she still thinks there is nothing worth working on right now, I will go away and resurface later -- and hopefully when we are both ready.

 

But I need that closure. I need to get some things out and tell her that deep down I want us to work. She thinks right now I am hurting and going through a phase. Basically, I only want to work on us now because it is over and hurts, not because I really want to. I have thought about that and I know I want to work on us. She is my soul mate. We deserve a chance to work. Anyway, she said she would meet with me, but she is doesn't really want to. I think she doesn't want to because she doesn't want to face these emotions again. And I understand because I ran away when things got messy.

 

Anyway, soon we will probably meet and I will get the things out I need to. And I hope I leave her with some good feelings and she can spend time apart from me thinking about the good things about us -- not how great Romeo is and how terrible I was to her. I may be asking a lot from her, but I need this and I think she does to, otherwise she wouldn't do it!

 

I spoke with her today (1/2) and we pretty much only talked as friends. We traded New Years stories and I, of course, had to hear about Romeo. But it was a uncomfortable yet comfortable uneasy conversation. But, I avoided the US talk, and it felt okay. But, it still hurts.

 

So, am I right to want this closure. Well, hopefully not CLOSEure. But I want to get everything out, what happened, how I feel, find out where she is, and then go away. Might that work?

 

You guys are so great. Its great that you read through the post, but responding is so very much appreciated.

 

Thank you

[Steve2usa]

Vince,

 

I am going through the same feelings and emotions you are right now, I had to contact my ex so soon because of issues that needed to be dealt with, (Please read my posts) It did not turn out that great and I think I only pushed her farther away. I am going to try and give her the space I feel she needs and hope that in the end it all works itself out. Because of the age difference between us and because of the length of our relationship is different and its only been a week since the break I cannot tell you how to go about the no contact thing. I was only with my ex for 3 months, but we fell in love quickly and no one can put a time limit on love, I would not feel any differently about her if this was a two year relationship. I can tell you though from my past experience that pushing to hard will push them away forever, I did this twice, once with my exwife and once with my youngest daughters mother. The hard part for me is that even though I still loved both of them and have to remain in contact because of children, I know I will never again have the chance I have now to fix a relationship and be with the one I love so very much. It hurts, and it will hurt for a long time, but this is the first time I am using the no contact rule and I have only faith and hope to see me through it.

 

Keep your chin up, because she has not closed the door on you yet, but like me, you have to give her time to figure out what she really wants.

[Marty_McFly]

There is a lot of great advice on this thread. Particularly Enigma's point that when you keep pushing someone away they will eventually stop pushing back. I'm in this situation now and would give everything I have for her to push back just once more so I can make it right.

 

We do have to learn about and improve ourselves in these situations. Beyond that, we can only hope that the one we love now will take the chance to find out how we've changed. Either way, we will be better for the next person that comes hopefully comes around.