xalysabethh Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 ok heres the deal i have been with someone/married 8.5 years w/ 2 kids. we recently split up fo rhim cheating on me. so after some time i have found someone elese this person i have felt since the beginning was it. he is everything i ever wanted and more in everyway. we took things very slow b/c he is divorced also and has been hurt an dhas kids etc. well we both love each other and things were going great, until last night. i asked him how mnay people he has slept wtih (background: me and him started out sleeping together i finnanly told him i could no contunie just sleeping with him as friends, as i had only been with 3 people all people i was in a realtionship with.. me and him hen ended up in a realaionship in which we both fell crazy in love with each oher.) well when i asked him he first said too many i never couned... I FREAKED. i told him i needed to know if it was like 100 or 20. he said around 20. i asked the obvious about being tested etc. but the for some reason this really freaked me out. now like i said i have been wiht 3 other people all of them had only been wiht like 0-5 people each. i dont konw exactly why this freaked me out 1. obviously diseases etc 2. i was worried that i was being used or something 3. scared he would cheat on me. he told me besides me and 3 of the others which were serious realaiosnhips the others were flings/ one night stands. he also said this to me: Listen you make me feel the best that I have ever felt before in my life. I would never cheat on you. This is why I wanted to take this slow because I didn't what to hurt you or get hurt. And that is why I'm glad we did. I love you sso much that you couldn't imaging. and I care so much for you. I what to be with you and no one else. I love you. and he said: I didn't tell them that. I have only told four people that I love them. My first wife, my second wife, and then someone that broke my heart, and you and I meant each one but out of all four of them you are the one that I feel the most confortable with. I feel like I can be myself around you. I don't have to try to impress you. You laugh at my stupid jokes. you make me laugh. I feel that you are my equal. That you get me. we talked after this i agreed that i would trust him that he does love me , wont cheat on me etc. which i do and will . but does this throw up a red flag ? or is it just one of those thigns i should drop? i'm willing to get advice either way i just need to knwo what people think. even if i'm totally wrong for how i felt. Thanks Xalysabeth Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 'around 20'? wow. how old is he? (Do make sure that the both of you get tested if you plan to still be sexually active in the relationship.) -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Author xalysabethh Posted January 2, 2004 Author Share Posted January 2, 2004 He is 26. yes he said he would get tested. I was tested before i met him so I know that i'm clean. i'm just pretty freaked out ... Thanks Xalysabeth Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I think this one is all about how you feel then. I would be completely grossed out if my boyfriend had been with so many women. He is 31, and claims he can count them all on one hand. If you love him, and trust him, and are ok with everywhere his you-know-what has been... then what can hold you back? (I hope that didn't come out wrong) Good luck to you. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 My first major relationship (one that ended un total and utter kaos) I found out that I was his 23rd person he had slept with. He was 16 It didn't work, but I don't know if you can use the amount of women he had been with to be the reason it fell apart. It fell apart because of the kind of person he was. My partner now, which has been going strong with no signs of ending. I was his second I am sure people can say sluts are always sluts, however I have had a few one night stands in my time (no I am not into double digits) and I have no plans on having more. I would be tempted to ask him how many he has slept with since splitting up with his wife (or even marrying her) Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeoverexperience Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 Agree about the testing but a bit worried about the tone of some of the other posts and them leading you to ruin something that sounds like a good thing. I've slept with about 40 men and I'm 30. Most of those 40 happened during a particularly unhappy two years of my life when casual sex was the only means I could find to express my awful feelings about myself. In the last 7 years I've slept with 5 people, three of them boyfriends (between two months and five years), one fling and one night stand. I do not think I'm a slut (the term incidentally does nothing to lift the low self esteem that many so called 'sluts' are already suffering from) but I have done things in the past that I'm not proud of now and wouldn't do again. Please don't let a person's past mistakes, quite possibly based on extreme unhappiness, colour your judgement of them as they are now. People can and do change. My advice? Look at him, talk to him and ask yourself (as well as him) whether he slept with that many people because he just couldn't keep it in his pants? If you really think that's the case, then run for the hills. Otherwise, accept that these are things from the past and don't let them affect your potential future happiness together. Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 I'd be more concerned about the fact that he's been married and divorced twice (and he's only 26, is that correct???)...is just out of his second marriage (is vulnerable)...and you're just fresh out of a marriage (not even divorced yet, correct?). What about the kids? Your kids, his kids. Poor kids. Their lives are ripped apart by their respective parents splitting up, now their parents have "new people".......that's hard on kids, all the changes and chaos. As for how many partners he's had.....that's really a stupid question to ask someone, if you're going to expect an honest answer. If you're so concerned about diseases and such, then you should have asked that he be tested from the get go, and you should have both been using condoms. However.......a person can have an STD from having slept with one person or 45 people, it doesn't really matter. Most guys aren't going to be honest (likely a lot of women, too) when you ask them how many partners they've had. They obviously realize quite quickly that if you're asking them "how many", that if they HAVE slept with a lot of people, they better fudge the number a bit. Why on earth are you jumping into another relationship so quickly, when you're just freshly separated from your husband? I feel really sorry for your children........kids are always the innocent bystanders in situations like this. Link to post Share on other sites
lucky7 Posted January 2, 2004 Share Posted January 2, 2004 In his defense I agree with befuddled--I think that is definitely a question to stay away from. I have never heard of anything good coming out of asking a question like that. Why should it matter so much. I also agree with befuddled in saying that you could sleep with one person your whole life and get an STD from them. Multiple partners does not mean you're "dirty" or "slutty". Another point is that someone should not assume that it was all unprotected sex. True, the more partners you have the more at risk you are, but anyone could have an STD. That is just one aspect of his past that you know about. Although if he has been married twice already I would be a little wary myself, but again it does not come very often that you feel a deep connection with someone. I would take more time to get to know him better. If you feel deep down this is something you cannot get over, then by all means you should be with someone with whom you feel more comfortable with. If he is telling the truth, im sure he has learned that if there is a next time he wont be so honest. This is one main reason why most people don't tell the truth on how many people they have been with--fear of being judged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xalysabethh Posted January 3, 2004 Author Share Posted January 3, 2004 Thanks for all the advice and insights. I agree with what everyone has said. I am going to proceed with caution but i think its something that i can let go. as far as him being married two times already i know the conditions of that and it is not as bothersome knowing the details. as for the kids . we are keepign the kids out of our relationship as of now so that is not a problem. thanks again. for everyones honest advice xalysabeth Link to post Share on other sites
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