How to proceed?

[soulm8]

No problemo!

Are you male or female? Do you have any further thoughts on this? Am I crazy/insecure to wait?

[homersheineken]

Dude.

 

Honestly, I couldn't deal with that passivity from a girl. Can't imagine what it's like for a girl "from" a guy.

[soulm8]

Honestly, I couldn't deal with that passivity from a girl. Can't imagine what it's like for a girl "from" a guy.

 

Hmmm... passivity.

 

First meet over coffee (Jan 2008!): nothing but great conversation, mutual attraction, nice hug

 

Second meet hanging out at my place (Jan 2010): he kissed me, I reciprocated and kissed him multiple times, nice hugs

 

~ admission in an email that he's (really) horny for me after agreeing to be exclusive.

 

Third meet dinner at his place (Feb 5): I kissed him a few times - he did not initiate... he insisted I stay because we drank wine and beer. I'd brought pj's just in case (hehe). No kiss good night, no nothing! He said, "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." So, I said, "that's ok, I'm not ready either..." and went to sleep!

 

~ met his 2 year old son

~ he wanted me to stay another night, but I thought 24 hrs was plenty; he tried to convince me to stay

~ I emailed him to let him know I would've liked to kiss and cuddle more and didn't leave because we didn't have sex.

 

I'd say he's the passive one. He *does* want to take it slow though

[homersheineken]

Hmmm... passivity.

 

First meet over coffee (Jan 2008!): nothing but great conversation, mutual attraction, nice hug

 

Second meet hanging out at my place (Jan 2010): he kissed me, I reciprocated and kissed him multiple times, nice hugs

 

~ admission in an email that he's (really) horny for me after agreeing to be exclusive.

 

Third meet dinner at his place (Feb 5): I kissed him a few times - he did not initiate... he insisted I stay because we drank wine and beer. I'd brought pj's just in case (hehe). No kiss good night, no nothing! He said, "I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." So, I said, "that's ok, I'm not ready either..." and went to sleep!

 

~ met his 2 year old son

~ he wanted me to stay another night, but I thought 24 hrs was plenty; he tried to convince me to stay

~ I emailed him to let him know I would've liked to kiss and cuddle more and didn't leave because we didn't have sex.

 

I'd say he's the passive one. He *does* want to take it slow though

 

Slow is one thing. Slow to me means not going backwards at all though (since you need to constantly and slowly build) - like the non-kissing after kissing, never cuddling. He just seemed flaky and passive before you guys started dating and it's continuing. If you like him and want to continue, best to you, honestly.

 

I couldn't deal with that

[soulm8]

Slow is one thing. Slow to me means not going backwards at all though (since you need to constantly and slowly build) - like the non-kissing after kissing, never cuddling. He just seemed flaky and passive before you guys started dating and it's continuing. If you like him and want to continue, best to you, honestly.

 

I couldn't deal with that

 

Yeah... I didn't push the kissing and cuddling after he mentioned not being ready to have sex... didn't want him to feel pressured like I was trying to change his mind! It was strange though. WTF?

 

You're right dammit. This is going backwards. To hell with that!

[homersheineken]

Yeah... I didn't push the kissing and cuddling after he mentioned not being ready to have sex... didn't want him to feel pressured like I was trying to change his mind! It was strange though. WTF?

 

You're right dammit. This is going backwards. To hell with that!

 

You should have pushed him, at least to get a response. If he had asked you could have said that kissing/cuddling doesn't have to mean sex. Weird how he didn't want to do that even.

[soulm8]

You should have pushed him, at least to get a response. If he had asked you could have said that kissing/cuddling doesn't have to mean sex. Weird how he didn't want to do that even.

 

No way - not my style! I initiated any kiss we had that night so it's his problem. I've been struggling with thoughts lately that he needs a domineering woman (like his ex) because he IS too passive.

 

A few friends I've talked to about this say that sometimes guys get scared with a woman they feel could be the one. Well, if that's true, fine... he can track me down again and SHOW me that I'm the one.

[homersheineken]

No way - not my style! I initiated any kiss we had that night so it's his problem. I've been struggling with thoughts lately that he needs a domineering woman (like his ex) because he IS too passive.

 

A few friends I've talked to about this say that sometimes guys get scared with a woman they feel could be the one. Well, if that's true, fine... he can track me down again and SHOW me that I'm the one.

 

Exactly! Like I said, I couldn't deal with that passivity from a girl. Can't imagine what it's like for a girl "from" a guy (who should be more assertive!).

[soulm8]

Thanks again for all the (great) advice my LS friends!

[txsilkysmoothe]

I realize I sound jealous but it just really strikes me as "datey" considering he told me she wanted him back. He backed right off when I merely mentioned I was still dating, and then backed right off again last month when I simply mentioned feeling confused about an ex.

 

Could this have anything to do with his current behavior? What was his reaction? How big of a deal was it for him? He may be thinking that twice he took a chance with you and twice he found you weren't on the same page - dating others and possibly harboring feelings for an ex (his interpretation perhaps).

 

Even if he wants to take it slow, he has to contact you sometimes - how long has it been since you heard from him?

 

Sorry you are going through such a frustrating time. I struggle with the same kind of situations.

[soulm8]

Could this have anything to do with his current behavior? What was his reaction? How big of a deal was it for him? He may be thinking that twice he took a chance with you and twice he found you weren't on the same page - dating others and possibly harboring feelings for an ex (his interpretation perhaps).

 

Even if he wants to take it slow, he has to contact you sometimes - how long has it been since you heard from him?

 

Sorry you are going through such a frustrating time. I struggle with the same kind of situations.

 

I don't think so because we cleared all that up before agreeing to be exclusive. I even asked him if we were finally on the same page and he confirmed! Besides, he is fully aware that the ex was playing me and trying to have a FWB relationship with me. Which we both despise.

 

His contact has been very minimal and backwards; a FB message 2 days ago <--- that from daily phone calls and emails... no thanx

 

Back to the drawing board!

[Ronni_W]

I agreed to be his gf knowing that I wouldn't see much of him until March.

soul,

What I'm getting is that you thought you were but, in practice, you're not ready to be his gf without seeing him regularly / having regular contact with him. To me, it's fine that you agreed to it because you thought you could handle it...and it's also fine to find out that you were mistaken.

 

He really hasn't reneged on anything -- he's been acting according to everything that he told you, including that he wants to take things slow and he won't be very much available until March. He does not sound strange or insecure.

 

I think -- it sounds like this was not a good time for either of you to commit to being gf/bf. He was wrong to ask (given his goal of "taking things slow", his schedule, his situation with his ex, etc.) and you were mistaken to agree (given his goal, his schedule, his tie to his ex, your expectations, etc.)

 

And I think -- I would suggest that insecurity did creep in once you heard that he and his ex had done a co-parenting outing with their kid. If that's a problem now, it's not going to go away anytime soon. So, that is something for you to consider.

 

IMO, you both jumped the gun, is all. Is how it's coming across. You could decide to just take a step back, which would remove the pressure and expectations that appear to be threatening to derail everything.

 

Maybe?

[soulm8]

What I'm getting is that you thought you were but, in practice, you're not ready to be his gf without seeing him regularly / having regular contact with him. To me, it's fine that you agreed to it because you thought you could handle it...and it's also fine to find out that you were mistaken.

 

He really hasn't reneged on anything -- he's been acting according to everything that he told you, including that he wants to take things slow and he won't be very much available until March. He does not sound strange or insecure.

 

One message sent through Facebook (over a week?) is a reneg from daily contact in my book. Plus, he had the time to spend with his ex on his day off but couldn't reply to an email I sent asking how the job was going or make a quick call?? I was fully expecting a drop in contact, and prepared to wait it out...

 

I'm not insecure about his ex, that's not what this is about. This is about me realizing I shouldn't have agreed to a relationship without dating him more and seeing how confident he can be. Going slow is one thing, but treating me like a buddy is just not what I'm into! I can't be the initiator without any reciprocation.

Edited February 14, 2010 by soulm8

[Ronni_W]

Sorry, I missed it where daily contact was one of his promises. But yes, of course you're right that it's a reneg...he hasn't been keeping his promises about that, that's fersure.

This is about me realizing I shouldn't have agreed to a relationship without dating him more

I agree with you 100% on that, too.

 

Does it feel possible that you two can "rewind" to a point where you're both comfortable and happy with how things are going? That is, if you're still romantically interested in him at all -- I'm thinking it may be kinda tough for you to get your mind (and especially your heart) around the fact that he's already reneging on "basics" (?)

 

In any case, soul, I hope it works out in a way that will lead to your happiness and feeling good about things.

[soulm8]

Sorry, I missed it where daily contact was one of his promises. But yes, of course you're right that it's a reneg...he hasn't been keeping his promises about that, that's fersure.

 

Hey Ronni, you didn't miss anything... you're correct - he didn't "promise" anything but exclusivity.

 

Does it feel possible that you two can "rewind" if you're still romantically interested in him at all?

 

I don't think so TBH. It's now Vday and still no word... I'm actually questioning whether I misunderstood our exclusivity talk! Just kidding. At this point, I can't really imagine an "us" at all.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words and help.