Girlfriend was abused

[robaday]

Hi,

 

Ive been seeing someone for 6 months or so, apart from my continuing issues about being able to commit long term, I care about her a lot, and would like to know more about how her past may have affected her.

 

She told me she lost her virginity to rape. I haven't asked her too many details, but I believe it was from someone she did not know when she was 16-I dont think it was with someone she was in a relationship with, or someone known to her.

 

In addition, she ended a 5 year relationship with someone nearly two years ago, who she says punched her in the face on more than one occasion. She was the one who ended it, and I admire her for having the strength to walk away from someone she loved.

 

She is noticeably more emotional than any other girl Ive been with (altho that only numbers two previous women). She also has a higher sexual appetite than anyone Ive been with-not that I am complaining in the slightest on that front!

 

My worry is that when I bring up even the smallest doubt about the future she cries and over-reacts completely and takes everything personally. My other concern is that she has never been to therapy.

 

This is still early stages but I am terrified of getting into a co-dependent relationship again. I have only recently got out of severe depression myself, and question whether I have the ability, knowledge and strength to pursue a relationship with this woman.

 

Her past does not bother so much and I have been with her for three months since she told me, it is whether she has begun dealing with these horrific episodes that I am concerned about and want advice about.

 

So what are the long term effects of this abuse? can women recover without going to therapy? I have no idea whether her neediness/insecurity is a result of what has happened to her, or whether it is in her nature, or indeed whether it even matters where it comes from?

[TaraMaiden]

I think you need to acknowledge to her that you BOTH have relationship issues, and that as you want this one to work, because your feelings for her are very deep, you should both commit to making this work and being as successful a relationship as it ever can be - and go to couples counselling.

 

You both have too much baggage to expect either the other person to be able to carry it with you - or for it to not be dealt with.

Because if you don't deal with it, and deal with it bravely and sensibly - then, you'll be back talking about her in the past tense.....

 

get couples counselling, and both work to keep this thing hanging together.

It's a two-way effort.

You both need to commit to making it work, because one alone (you) can't do it.

[robaday]

Thanks for your response,

 

This ended with me back in therapy and her heartbroken, back in Feb.

 

My God, it became a little destructive if I'm honest, with her stalking me, me apologizing just to keep the peace, her smothering me......by the end her increasingly extortionate demands and neediness were too much and I lost my self-esteem tremendously trying to placate her.....why I'm still not sure. This was my fault, I should not have got involved at all, I knew it only spelt trouble for me. I tried to set boundaries, they were trampled on, I became weaker as it went on.

 

Why I carried on it this I have no idea. By the end I was sabotaging, skipping dates, losing my temper at her, her turning up annanounced to my house, blowing up at her neediness....it was horrible and whilst sex covered up the inherent problems, in the end we both suffered. I caught her checking my phone etc. Why I did it to myself I will never know.

[sugarmomma]

So sorry that you had to go through that experience but everything happens for a reason. People (note I said people) who are extremely damaged cannot be helped without a lot of hard work. It sounds like you have a lot of work to do on yourself to figure out what attracted you to someone like her. You sound like my xh who was as damaged as I was when I met him. It was like two wet noodles trying to hold each other up. We gave all we had but we ended up causing more harm than good in the end. Stay in counseling so that you can pick healthier women the next time around.

[robaday]

Hi thanks for your feedback,

 

My self esteem is pretty low after the end of it, I sadly have a habit of dwelling too much.

 

I guess what I'm asking is there was a lot of gaslighting on her part-saying I was too drunk to remember things, or she didn't remember saying things.

 

For my own part, I am guilty of repeatedly skipping out on dates and criticizing her-I thought by telling her her jealousy was scaring me off and she was smothering me she would calm down-I did it in the nicest way possible.

 

Once she began questioning my manhood, and I caught her checking my phone, I was just scared if I'm honest.

 

I blamed myself, thought all of it was my fault, but in retrospect it was all too much.

 

The one time I did lose my temper back at her, when she was stalking me, she pretended she did nothing wrong and I was out of line.

 

I can't seem to work out why I blamed myself, for not meeting her repeated ridiculous demands-i.e. meeting parents after 2 months of dating. My self esteem is shot, and knowing her, she will already have "trapped" (a word she used when I first got with her) another guy. I did not love her-but it was really addictive and couldn't leave despite knowing it was doing no good.

 

I feel like a freak for admitting my depression and having it stamped on, for putting boundaries and having them crushed, and almost feel like it was me who was broken up with. I know full well I was in charge of my own actions and am just at a loss why I persisted with someone who was just not compatible with me.