Ex wants me back but I don't trust him

[Candyland88]

Ok so obviously I say I don't trust him, so that's a huge problem because I know trust is the foundation of any good relationship, but he and I are both passionate about working through things and I'm not indifferent to rebuilding trust.

 

My ex boyfriend and I broke up 8 months ago, who I was with for about 5-6 years slightly on and off. He cheated on me a couple times during our relationship for a rather extended period of time once and then a fling another in the early years. I took him back because he took some time and made some clear personal changes to himself and it was obvious to me that he was interested in being a faithful person with more mature goals. As far as I know, for 3 years he was very faithful and it was a wonderful relationship.

 

For the few months before we broke up, he suddenly became very cold toward me, and I even noticed he was disinterested in sex. I eventually was forced to end it because he was so distant that I felt lonely all the time, and he didn't put up too much of a fight so I've been working very hard to let go of our turbulent past. I assumed of course that he was cheating again, but to this day I am unsure. I've heard from a friend that since the break up he has been talking to an ex girlfriend he cheated on me with and it bothers me because I can't help but wonder if she's the reason for his disinterest in me.

 

Over the past 2 weeks he's been contacting me a lot asking to take me out on dates and I've been quite tempted. I feel so stupid for even entertaining the notion because everyone keeps telling me to just leave the past in the past. I've been told by him before that I've always been the one for him, and I'm vulnerable right now to get sucked back into this because I'm currently not seeing anyone and technically we didn't end on a bad note, he simply lost interest it seemed.

 

As far as I know he's still been hanging out with that ex girlfriend and I can't help but wonder why on earth he's contacting me if he's seeing someone else, whether her or any new girl.

 

I guess what I'm asking here is whether I should restart the NC I had begun 8 months ago, and leave him in the past or if I should entertain my curiosity and do what I really want since I know how happy he and I can be together. We're older now, and I wonder if he's gotten his **** together at last.

[Ilovecake]

This is a very hard one to answer as I don’t know how much importance you put on monogamy, it sounds to me like not really that much, which is fine some people don’t need that in their relationships. I will tell you however my experience. Mind you I’m an older lady and have been in several long term relationships. I've been cheated on, I have broken off some relationships and there were times I ended up forgiving the cheater. Every time and I'm talking more than one partner here when I took them back they ended up cheating again. Sometimes it took months sometimes it took years. I've personally never cheated on anyone so I don't really know the mindset behind those actions but many friends who have cheated have told me that the first time is the hardest but once you get away with it and are forgiven the following times are like nothing, you no longer feel the moral obligation to stay monogamous because your partner is obviously willing to forgive you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that once a person cheats on you the chances that they do it again are around 200%.

 

If this relationship is extremely important to the both of you I would suggest you take your time getting back into it. Couples therapy would be a must in my case. Trust is not a given it’s something you earn with your actions, every time you break that trust you go back to step one. If you’re the type of person who will worry and wonder what he’s doing every time he’s not around I would suggest you forget it because it will just be torture for you.

 

Hope you figure it out.

[TaraMaiden]

You have a simple choice, honey:

 

Be with him, knowing without any doubt whatsoever that you will have to share him with other women, at some point,

 

or

 

Not be with him and find a man who will be faithful to you - you alone, and love you for everything you give him.

 

Your problem will be that you'll find yourself comparing.

But you have to get past this, if you decide to go all out on your own, and kick him to the kerb.

Comparisons are futile, because you'll have different qualities to admire and love, if you let yourself go.

 

Remember: he's not contacting you to make you feel good, or better.

He's contacting you to make himself feel good, or better.

If he was re-contacting you for you, then there wouldn't be as much as a sniff of any other woman anywhere near him and that's patently not the case, is it?

he has most certainly NOT got his 5h1t together, and there are other women since you broke up, with one hanging around on the sidelines, even now....

No. he wants you to prove he can have you.

 

So:

Either you prove him wrong, or you prove him right.

But either way, it's your choice, and your consequences.