Is He Cheating?????????

[confusedandlost]

Hi to everybody. Here is my story.

We have been married with my husband for 5 months now. We put a lot of efforts and time to get marriage as we are from different countries and I had to move to his place. After marriage my husband lost interest in sex with me. He stopped kissing me passionately. I'm an attractive woman and I notice there is something wrong. Because I needed to be close and I needed sex and he was not happy I initiate it. Every time I talk to him he says everything is ok.

About in a month he left his email open and I read it! He was writing to a girl who placed her advertisement about escort service. He asked how much and if it includes sex. I was in shock! Why dose he need an escort if he has a beautiful wife? Why to pay for sex if his wife is dying without sex?

I have been talking about it a lot and he said that is was a joke he just was curies and it was a joke for a friend. He asked me to forgive and forget and trust him because it will effect out marriage.

I tried to forget and almost forgot.

 

Meanwhile he was a very outgoing person and he can sometimes wake up 3 am and just say "I'm bored I want to go out" When I ask him why can't he take me out if he wants to go so late he says he just want to meet a friend who is available after 3 am or just want to have his space. He asks me to give him space any time day or night he is feeling like going out. For me it was very difficult because In my culture if you are married usually people don't go out night time separated. May be once in 2 months I would understand.

We keep arguing about this all the time and I don't feel comfortable with this because he even can't tell exactly what friend and where will he go and what kind of friend is it that I can't meet.

 

I noticed that he is always reading a forum about local girls who work in hotels in sex business. Men talk about the girls which one provide good service which not. Once we went to one of the shopping complex which has hotel and he said he will leave me for 45 minutes and after we will meet. Was very strange why 45 minutes … I read at the same forum 45 minutes is time of the girls service. After that when we went to the same complex he was trying to leave me at least for 10 minutes.

 

I looked at his cell phone bill and noticed that he is keeping calling to that hotel and some other local hotels.

Some months ago his cell phone call 2.30 am I woke up him. I thought something urgent. When I asked him who was calling so late and why he said just a friend fooling around. Then I asked why then you have been talking for a while to him? He got very angry that I don't trust him I’m so suspicious.. I should be happy with an answer "just a friend" and don't ask anything more He said I should trust him like a blind man.

Well as I did not get an answer… I start to be suspicious nervous. I have allergy for his cell phone. Because after that he always set it as meeting or unvoiced so I can’t hear if someone is calling.

A month ago he said he need to go to another state about his work. It seamed very strange to me because he said he is going with his colleague but he never call him in front of me. Only once he called to someone and asked if 26th is confirm then he said he can’t talk now because of lightening. Before he left the house he said he is going not about his current job but a different project so he did not tell nobody at work. It was strange too because he did not tell me this before. I knew something is wrong.

A week ago I got his cell phone bill. I looked at the date he went and He call 1.00 am not from another state but the next city. The only phone numbers he call that day was our location hotel numbers and ………one cell phone number. When I call this number the girl answered and she spoke my language! Not many people in this country speak my language . It was a shock. I did not want anything I was sure he was with her. When he came back I said I’m giving you a chance tell me honestly what is going on . He did not want to tell me anything before I did not show his bill. Then he said because he was under pressure because of me that is why he wanted to be on his own one night. About the girl he said he was just talking to her and even have never met her. I looked at the bill It started about 2 months ago. And he kept calling her more and more. I said I want to divorce because I don’t trust you any more He was begging me he was crying to be with him to forgive and forget. I asked him don’t to lie to me any more and never talk to that girl any more. He said “ok” He said he dose not have any woman except me I was before Xmas day. Now one week later I still have pain and I feel very insecure when someone calling him specially night time. Someone called him 1.30 am but it show as Private number is calling I asked him who he said it was missed call. Last night we went to bed about 1.30 am and I woke up 7 I look at his phone it was a message there. I asked who is calling so late. He become very angry that I’m still so suspicious I should forget . But it still pain. I feel horrible to be like this. I feel very bad to look at his bills He said he never thought his wife will check everything. I never thought I will be like this too But I want an answer and I don’t get it from him.

Should I trust him? May be it is only on my mind ? I’m loosing my mind. Don’t know what to think and what to do.

[Tony T]

I don't think you should trust him at all.

 

First, if your husband won't have sex with you but will pay prostitutes he has many problems and should get professional help right away. You should get OUT of the marriage right away. You cannot go through a lifetime of hurt and financial distress while your husband wastes all of his money on prostitutes and neglects you.

 

Second, I seriously doubt this activity has stopped. Because he has such a very serious problem, it is doubtful he can stop so suddenly. No amount of talking or nagging you do will help him unless he wants to be helped. Sexual problems of this nature are very, very difficult to deal with unless there is major assistance from a highly trained professional psychologist and a willingness to change. It doesn't sound like right now your husband has a willingness to change.

 

Tell him he needs to use the money he previosly used for prostitutes to get help from a psychologist for his problem, and you want to take an active part in his recovery, or you will leave immediately. Do not let him try to keep you there. Why should you remain in a marriage where there is no sex and where your husband finds it necessary to pay prostitutes. I can think of no more major insult. I am truly sorry you married this guy. He's a loser...but there is a very small possibility he can change if he agrees to the long term treatment he needs.

[confusedandlost]

I did not tell him I know he has a problem. He think I don't understand what is going on. I think if I tell him now he just will make me feel gilty as I don't have any proof. He said me never accuse me if you never seen it... How to prrove?

[VivianLee]

I remember reading a thread you posted about this before it seems things have gone from bad to worse!! I feel so badly for you, I know it's got to be scary to be in another country and experience this.

 

I don't know why but your husband is up to something and it doesn't sound like it's anything good. I think you know that as well. You can either get a private investigater to check into this or get a lawyer or maybe get both. Or even go by the evidence you have in front of you, you have caught him! If he is cheating and things aren't going to work out, go home to the people that love you and you can trust!!

 

Good luck and God bless!

[FreeMe]

You cannot trust him because he is giving absolutely no reason to trust him and every reason not to trust him. You should trust him like a blind person? This guy is beyond arrogant.

 

Do you need "proof" to leave him? Sounds to me like you have proof enough. I would not be able to live like that. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[peakey]

Do you usually have a good instinct for things?

 

I learned to realize that my gut instinct, or woman's intuition, or whatever you call it, was pretty good. Every time I had a gut instinct that my husband was cheating, it turned out to be true. So I never doubt my instinct anymore.

 

What does your instinct tell you? From what you wrote, my instinct would be telling me that he is full of lies. Nothing of what he says makes sense, and I would be really suspicious.

 

FreeMe has a good point, do you really need proof? I felt I needed proof in my case, so whenever my gut instinct told me something was wrong, I did what I could to get proof. It made me feel better, that I had given him a chance, that I wasn't just being paranoid. But the down-side to waiting for proof is that you have to live like you are paranoid all the time, watching him all the time. Is it worth it? If it is, just to prove that you are right, then do whatever it takes to prove or disprove if he is cheating. But if it's too painful to live like that, why bother? It would seem that life for you would just go on being more of the same - lots of lies, and you always checking up on him. Not much fun.

 

If you really think you need proof, then do what it takes to get it. If he's using the internet to cheat, then you can get software that can record everything he types. Then you would have hard proof to show him. Also, can you follow him when he goes out? Take photos?

 

But don't let him make you feel guilty about this. His behavior is DEFINITELY suspicious. I think it's up to him to prove he's NOT cheating.

 

Good luck.

[nicolez66]

If my husband was leaving at 3 AM and could not give me a logical explanation......"like a relative's car broke down or something to that degree" I would be like O HECK NO! If he leaves anyway and dont concider my feeling, I would be putting his personal belongings on the front porch.......or i would empty the bank account .......well i would leave him enough to eat but not purchase escort services, and i would be at the hotel of choice and if that does not faze him him eventually i would go back home. Lets not forget lack of intimacy.But this is just me and how i would handle it. NO wife deserves to be treated with so much DISRESPECT!!!!

 

 

Thanks for listening to my opinion.....

 

Bless your heart and i wish you the best....

[Benedict]

Short version: Yes, he is cheating on you.

 

Slightly Less Short Version: Even if he is not, is he treating you with any shred of respect? No! Cheating - and by that I assume you mean sexual relations with another woman - is only one form os extreme disrespect, worse than most, not as bad as others. In my opinion, this is just another egg in the basket.

 

Kick him to the curb...

[TheFaithfulWife]

Hon,

If a man is cheating on you after only 5 months of marriage, I think you should run not walk to the nearest lawyer.

I think he was not ready to settle down and thought that getting married was fun for the moment but now he wants to go back to play with his toys.

 

He is bored, though no fault of yours. He wants the excitement of a different woman and the risks involved. My sisters husband was like that at 28 and even years after their divorce (he is now 54) he still plays the game.

 

Your husband might settle down after awhile, or he might still be a player at 60.

Don't waste your time sitting in the background.

You deserve better.

TheFaithfulWife