You want a recon, I'm your man

[tnttim]

I think you could help alot more people by replying to individual threads. Most people tell thier story in their own thread and dont want to repeat it over and over....But my point is, I dont think you will get alot of response to this one because people usually watch and post to there own thread.

 

You would be better off starting a new thread or posting to this one, a list of things you have done to help your marriage recover.

 

this site is a great resource for people in damaged relationships, the more help there is, the better it is for all.

I'm trying to help people who want a recon, not a divorce, they know where to find me now. I already got some PM's so I guess it's working. BTW Alex Grey is an awesome artist.

[anne1707]

Tim

 

Just because you are going through the early stages of a potentially successful reconciliation, does mean you are a relationship guru or qualified marriage counsellor. There are others here on LS who are far, far further down the recovery path than you and would never dream of making a statement such as the one you made in your OP. If you feel as if you can help people, then make an effort to read their threads and post your advice in a fair and supportive manner. Do not expect them to come running to you. Why on earth should they?

[Gunny376]

The problem with your approach is "bi-polar" logic.

 

Either a thing is white or black!

 

Either hot or cold.

 

Real or un-real?

 

Absolute and un-absolute?

 

Real or un-real?

 

Matter or Anti-matter

 

Then for example?

 

Explain to me in terms as though I was a four year old?

 

Homosexual? Bisexual? Asexual? Heterosexual?

 

When it comes to humans?

 

There are NO absolutes!

 

We're all the same!

 

And we're ALL different!

Edited February 5, 2010 by Gunny376

[tnttim]

Okay besides from my unorthodox approach. How does my advice differ from any of yours, and If we are all pushing the same advice, why do you tell me I'm wrong?

[dgiirl]

Okay besides from my unorthodox approach. How does my advice differ from any of yours, and If we are all pushing the same advice, why do you tell me I'm wrong?

 

Because you seem to think you are better than everyone else and you keep bragging about your reconciliation rubbing it in peoples faces and claiming that those who got divorced is due to something they did wrong instead of a choice made by the other spouse. If you truly cared about people on this forum, you would seek the posts out and post on them individually. Instead, you post this thread which is simply for ego boosting, attention grabbing, and putting you in some kind of spotlight, as if you are different or better than everyone else.

 

Becareful with those people who are privately messaging you for help. They are very vulnerable and the advice you offer could very well destroy a marriage just as much as save one. You are treading on very thin ice.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm glad things are working out for you

But I can't force my ex to fall back in love with me, he fancies other people now anyway so that's all my hope gone. I've done all I can, you can't make someone love you.

You are lucky that you BOTH wanted to rebuild. In most situations only one person wants to reconcile, so then what?

[sunrae]

Psssst..... Tim is really Dr. Phil!

 

 

LMAO.... Well, he sure does have his work cut out for him here... We'll keep in busy for sure...

[nobmagnet]

Tim

 

My post was ment as a p*ss take. You are no more likely to "solve" my problems as anyone else is. Maybe its your complete smugness that gets under the skin of most people here??

 

We would all give our right arm (mostly ) not to be where we are right now and have all tried our damnes to no be here. Please dont make your "early stage possible success" fit anyone elses. Some of you reasoning will work for some and actually make it much worse for others. Read threads and get a feel of the other persons personality and situation before you offer you strong oppinions.

 

In honesty I am pleased for you and your family that you are making progress, but some of the things you did to get where you are I felt were emotionally cruel.

 

Nobby

[Ronni_W]

Send me links to your story or message me.

Actually, it's fine thanks.

You're displaying the same behaviour that I was talking about in my original - nary a thought or word of empathy for those in this thread who were obviously upset/triggered by your words-action.

 

I get that you didn't do it intentionally...but that is part of my point. Just cos it was an unintentional (negative) consequence, does not mean that you don't have to take responsibility for it.

 

All you focused on were your own reactions (to comments that YOUR OWN words-actions brought into being), instead of also thinking about those who were negatively impacted.

 

On a separate note, I do join those who wish you well with your reconciliation efforts. I have no doubt empathy will go a long way in forwarding your desires about that, so you may want to consider adding it to your current list of 'tools and techniques'.

 

Best of luck.

[jesslindy]

I have tried really hard to stay out of this, as I don't really feel like posting anywhere the great TNTTIM posts.

 

Let me let you in on a little something pal, THEY ALL COME BACK AT SOME POINT OR AT LEAST TRY TO!!!

 

You are certainly no exception. The way I see it you aren't helping anybody. I won't even go as far as to post that I hope you make it with your wife, because your smugness makes me angry.

 

Since you already have all the answers, why don't you take a break from LS for awhile and concentrate on your VERY NEW reconciliation. You have no clue whats ahead of you, and many, many people on here do.

 

I like Mikeymads new thread better, because that's where you will be posting in 2 years if you are not careful. GOOD LUCK BUDDY!!!!

[LisaUk]

I guess I stand alone here then, but I don't feel Tim is trying to gain the spotlight or anything like that. I really do think that he feels he can help, b/c he truely belives in the Homer method.

 

Personally I don't think any method can work when only one partner wants it to, Tim you are lucky, I don't think your w had checked out comletely and that is why your method worked perhaps?

 

Unfortunately a lot of us here are not so fortunate (Jess, they don't all come back, wish that were true, but sadly not in my case), but I do feel Tim is offering his assistance. Perhaps he is getting peoples backs up b/c it sounds like he is critising those of us less fortunate, like we did something wrong? Not sure if that is what is bugging everyone? But I don't think he means any disrespect or harm do you Tim? You just want to try and share what you have learnt in case it can help someone else? Is that right?

[tnttim]

Wow is it easy to piss you guys off. WTF did I do to you directly to cause this hatred towards me. If you don't like my posts then ignore me. This post was meant for people looking for help on a recon. Not for a bunch of bitter a*sholes to come here and bash me. You guys hate me, good. You guys think my advice sucks, I don't care. I am not going anywhere, and all your pissy posts just motivate more to come back. So this is the last time I will give you bitter haters any of my time. Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.

[Gunny376]

I've always tried to learn from not only my mistakes, but from the mistakes of others, (In so far as I didn't cause harm, embarrassment, or disrespect to them)?

 

As many of you know? I read a lot. I've always approached such self education as being "Take what you need, and leave the rest" approach to such.

 

Every one's situation is exactly the same, just as any two people are the exact same. Except different ~ its called a paradox.

 

There is no panacea ([pan⋅a⋅ce⋅a  –noun 1.a remedy for all disease or ills; cure-all.2.an answer or solution for all problems or difficulties ~ just saving those of you that not familiar with the word from having to look it up) way for any and all individuals and couples.

 

What works for one doesn't work for others?

 

I for one don't have all of the answers to all of the questions ~ nor all of the solutions to all of the problems. And what is all the more is that I know that I never will. Not if I live be two hundred years old.

 

What I do know of the subject is the following:

 

Self Actualization and knowing who and what your about! "To thine own-self be true, and knowing who and what your about. Knowing what you will stand for, and what you won't. If you don't stand for something? You'll fall for anything. Having a moral and ethical standard in and about everything in your life. Knowing what your wants, needs, hopes, dreams and goals are. And then knowing what and all the more importantly who your willing to compromise those for.

 

Self Confidence Knowing that no matter Life throws at you? You'll be alright and you'll come out standing. You get knocked down you get up again. Your SO walks out on you ~ you know that you were looking when you find them, and that you'll find another. Hope floats eternal.

 

Perspective and Attitude If you find things are going wrong and against you? While your pointing a finger at the other person? You first need to look at the three fingers you've got pointing at yourself. Generally when things go wrong? Its not the mechanism, the machine, the computer or whatever? Its the operator.

 

Objectivity When someone or Life comes along and throws your Happy @zz under the bus and hands you your @ss on the way out the door? You need to seize the opportunity to realize the full lesson in objectivity you've just been given.

 

Respect "Learn what its all about and what it means to me!" You've got to give it, and you've got to give it in order to get it. (Sidebar lesson ~ the guy I work for is richer than dirt. We're not just talking about rich, we're talking filthy, dirty RICH! We're talking multi-millionaire if not billionaire rich. His middle son came by the lab tonight wanting some lab supplies. When you first meet up on him, he's got more charm, respect than a politician seeking re-election. He not only makes you feel like the most important person in the room? He makes you feel like the most important on the planet. Now get this? He's a HS dropout!)

 

Which leads to ~

 

Integrity and Reputation ~ This takes years upon years to build. And you've got to start from day one of meeting someone. And what is most important? You must never compromise it! No matter what. Never take a step backwards, never wavier. Always keep your "honor" clean. When given a choice? Always do the right thing! Just do the right thing that in your heart of hearts? You know is the right thing to do. This can be difficult to do at times.

 

Daily recognise your weaknesses and seek self improvement Your always are going to have something that you need to work on a improve. Get busy ~ getting busy doing it.

 

Communication Skills There's a reason the Good Lord Almighty gave us two years and one mouth. That is to say listen twice as much as you speak.

 

Interpersonal and relationship skills Whether it be with a relative, a co-worker, your boss, a friend, your spouse, your lover ~ whoever. The day you think you've got this one down pat ~ your dead wrong. My Great Grandmother who was 96 when she died alone hoeing her vegetable garden from heat stroke is a good example.

 

I told her, Granny "G" I bet you've learned a lot about people and living in all the years you've lived?"

 

To which she replied "Gunny, I've learned more about living and people these last five years than all the other ninety put together!"

 

Take what you can and learn from others ~ and leave the rest.

 

And Tim? The only thing I've got to say is you to check out those other three fingers you've got pointing at you. You like I don't have all the answers to the questions, nor all of the solutions to the problems! And the day you do? Is the day you need to "think a damn again!" Trust me on this on my friend! The day you think you do, and the day you think you've got it all figured out? Is the day Mr. Reality is going to wear your @zz out with a Louisville Slugger! He's waiting just around the corner in the back alley with Louie and the Guys to put a 'hurtin' on your @zz ~ just to see the 'look' on your face!

 

Never become complacent ~ never let your guard down. Life is what happens to you when you make other plans. Be and become proactive in your life rather than reactive. Anticipate and expect things to fail, and have contingency plans in place for such. And not just one, but two or three, or even four. You need 'fall-back' plans.

 

I'm not saying be neurotic about it ~ I'm just saying have contingency plans?

 

To all of the others that have posted "negative" comments to this thread?

 

Tim is trying to be part of the solution to the problem, and answer to the questions? Granted they are his solutions and his answers~ and they worked for him thus far to date? (And I hope the continue to do so)

 

At least he's showing up for the party, and bringing something to the table when so many don't but themselves.

[Gunny376]

BTW?

 

If I've antagonized anyone?

 

I apologise!

 

But if I PO anyone with my comments?

 

And they have criticism of my post?

 

Bring it on!

 

I'm not about to get into a 'firefight' with anyone by any means (I'll just ignore you)

 

But the thing you need to understand is that I did 20+ years and the Marine Corps, but most of all?

 

I was married for twelve damn years! :eek:

 

Best POW/ Escape & Evasion training there ever was!

[anne1707]

Wow is it easy to piss you guys off. WTF did I do to you directly to cause this hatred towards me. If you don't like my posts then ignore me. This post was meant for people looking for help on a recon. Not for a bunch of bitter a*sholes to come here and bash me. You guys hate me, good. You guys think my advice sucks, I don't care. I am not going anywhere, and all your pissy posts just motivate more to come back. So this is the last time I will give you bitter haters any of my time. Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.

 

Tim

 

Your post above shows why you may not be the best person to give advice. If this is how you react when people express an opinion then how can you give impartial advice to help a marriage reconcile. Did you class my posts as being full of hatred or bitterness? All many of us have said is that you are still in the very early stages of a potential reconciliation so how can you even know for sure that what you have done has worked for you yet. You know that I have gone through a reconciliation with my H. But we are 18 months into that and we still class this recovery process as ongoing - you are only 2 or 3 months into it.

 

Also you do seem to be preaching that this one method will fix everything. That is not the case. It might work for some and will probably not work for most because we are all different. Your style of posting is almost like that of the ex-smoker - who can so often be more anti-smoking than anybody else. It starts to irritate people because we can all see hypocrisy. I am not saying that you are being hypocritical but I think you may be over-zealous in your promotion of this Homer technique.

 

Finally it is definitely arrogant of you to as good as order people to tell you their stories so you can fix their lives. If you really want to help, go and read their threads and contribute there - just as so many have read yours and contributed to them. The way LS usually works is that posters come here because they are having problems and start thread(s) based on that. Their initial focus is on their thread and they may well not contribute much elsewhere. However in time, posters want to reciprocate all this help they got from a bunch of strangers and start helping others by making the effort to read other threads and post there. Even the most seasoned, well respected LS poster would not expect everybody to come to them when they wanted to post.

[HeavenOrHell]

tim, I am genuinely pleased for you, it's just that you sometimes come across as sounding smug and like what you've done should work for all of us-if only that were the case.

No offence meant towards you

[Gunny376]

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing

 

Oscar Wilde

 

Truer words have never been said !

 

AKA as "Up against the wall you Redneck Mother!"

 

Reality?

 

What a "concept?"

Edited February 6, 2010 by Gunny376

[hopesndreams]

A recon isn't necessarily what is best for most people. If you have nerves of steel and betrayal is like water off a ducks back, then, maybe, just maybe a recon is possible. Once the trust is broken, there is not much left and it's best to start fresh and new by finding yourself and down the road perhaps find another and start all over, with someone that didn't stab you in the heart and enjoyed watching the pain and suffering while they boink happily with whomever they chose to cheat on you with.

[tnttim]

tim, I am genuinely pleased for you, it's just that you sometimes come across as sounding smug and like what you've done should work for all of us-if only that were the case.

No offence meant towards you

If I help only 1 person isn't that worth it then?

[carhill]

If I help only 1 person isn't that worth it then?

Absolutely. Far more people read than post. Even though we've disagreed on perspective, I respect the principals you've proffered in past threads. In fact, many of them have been used as part of my 'moving on' process with our divorce. So, even though no 'recon' resulted, I feel healthier now as a result of acting on some of those principals.

 

Best wishes on a successful reconciliation. Positive stories are always appreciated

[tnttim]

A recon isn't necessarily what is best for most people. If you have nerves of steel and betrayal is like water off a ducks back, then, maybe, just maybe a recon is possible. Once the trust is broken, there is not much left and it's best to start fresh and new by finding yourself and down the road perhaps find another and start all over, with someone that didn't stab you in the heart and enjoyed watching the pain and suffering while they boink happily with whomever they chose to cheat on you with.

When you lose trust, it's just that, you lost the ability to trust anyone. You can't say for sure that you will trust ever again. A new GF or BF may do the same exact thing to you, so whats the difference. I'll tell you the difference, I have a family with my W, and I feel that a played a part in driving her away. I would die for my children, I bust my @ss everyday at work for my children, and I quit drinking for my children. So why wouldn't I give my W a second chance to redeem herself and save my family? I am confident for a reason, I am a way better person because of my W's cheating. They say it's not how you get there, it's the fact that you are there that matters. If she does it again, then I know she's worthless and doesn't deserve me, but that hasn't happened yet. I know there's a thin line between confidence and arrogance and I choose to skate that line.

[hopesndreams]

If she does it again, then I know she's worthless and doesn't deserve me

 

For some, they figure that out the first time round and they don't hang about for a repeat performance. Their choice.

[tnttim]

If she does it again, then I know she's worthless and doesn't deserve me

 

For some, they figure that out the first time round and they don't hang about for a repeat performance. Their choice.

Do you think you played any part in your spouse cheating?

[hopesndreams]

I can honestly say no, I did not play a part in my H's cheating.

 

Perhaps the reason for you giving her a second chance is that you are feeling such guilt over transgressions, whatever they may be, and are holding yourself responsible. You are thinking you could be a better husband and she would then no longer feel the needs and desires to go outside the M.

 

Good luck with that.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It's all her, 100%. Sure, M's aren't perfect and at times the bad outweighs the good. That's life!! But when 2 committed people have only eyes for each other, they ride out whatever storm gets thrown their way.

 

It is all weakness and selfishness on the part of the cheater. The BS didn't make them broken inside, they did that all by themselves.

[tnttim]

I can honestly say no, I did not play a part in my H's cheating.

 

Perhaps the reason for you giving her a second chance is that you are feeling such guilt over transgressions, whatever they may be, and are holding yourself responsible. You are thinking you could be a better husband and she would then no longer feel the needs and desires to go outside the M.

 

Good luck with that.

 

It has nothing to do with you. It's all her, 100%. Sure, M's aren't perfect and at times the bad outweighs the good. That's life!! But when 2 committed people have only eyes for each other, they ride out whatever storm gets thrown their way.

 

It is all weakness and selfishness on the part of the cheater. The BS didn't make them broken inside, they did that all by themselves.

 

You are living in a fantasy land if you think you had nothing to do with him cheating. I have never seen 2 happy people get a D in my life, nor have I read it anywhere. Every action has an equal reaction, it's called physics if you science minded, or karma if your cosmic minded. If he was happy or satisfied with you, then why would he leave? I think it's being selfish and weak if you don't admit some degree of fault in a separation.