jesslindy Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Tim, Do you mind if I ask you how long you and your wife were apart, and in that time was she ever alone? Meaning not sleeping/conversing/flirting with another man. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 So, if she were the one, instead of you, drinking too much and working way too many hours to provide for the family, then you would have every right to cheat? Is it only the ones hard done by that cheat? Then, that would have made me a cheater too and it would have been perfectly acceptable. Let's see, let's go a bit further shall we? A good wife/husband will never, ever be cheated on? Do you really believe that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Share Posted February 6, 2010 So, if she were the one, instead of you, drinking too much and working way too many hours to provide for the family, then you would have every right to cheat? Is it only the ones hard done by that cheat? Then, that would have made me a cheater too and it would have been perfectly acceptable. Let's see, let's go a bit further shall we? A good wife/husband will never, ever be cheated on? Do you really believe that? I'm not saying cheating is right, or ever justified totally. I'm saying in every case I have seen or read about a void was created. The void was left unfulfilled by the spouse, either because they were too busy, or they didn't communicate the problem. Then the wayward spouse after time found someone to fill it. Yes good spouses get cheated on all the time, but that's only 1 person in a 2 person relationship. The wayward spouse was the unhappy one and hence they found someone to make them happy. I also agree that they should have tried to convey to their spouse that they were unhappy, but that's where the breakdown happens. For me I denied that she was unhappy and named off a bunch of fun times we've had fun. Then after some time she shut down and didn't communicate her feelings to me at all because she didn't want me to get mad or judge her. So then she started communicating to OM about her feelings, and the void was filled. It was both of our faults that the A happened. I am not so disillusioned that I think it will never happen again BTW. A relationship takes 2 to make and 2 to break. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Maybe the WS was the one who was pulling back in the marriage and creating what you call a void before the idea of having an affair crossed their mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Share Posted February 6, 2010 Tim, Do you mind if I ask you how long you and your wife were apart, and in that time was she ever alone? Meaning not sleeping/conversing/flirting with another man. I know for sure she was alone for all of December. I think she stopped the A in November when I busted her out. So maybe 2 months. Sounds like you haven't read story. Since Dec she has been totally transparent, and she is seeing a psych. She was raised by a drug addict mother and raised her brothers and sisters herself. She saw her mom jump from man to man, until she found a good one. She just found out today that her mom cheated her dad, he cheated on her too. This is her background. My background is the opposite, raised by mom and dad, they never D'ed. As I went through this my sister informed me that my mom was destroyed by my dad's alcholism. She said she was proud of me for breaking that cycle with my kids, and hopefully with my W, if she came back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Share Posted February 6, 2010 Maybe the WS was the one who was pulling back in the marriage and creating what you call a void before the idea of having an affair crossed their mind. She said 2 years ago she had her and the kids stuff packed and was ready to leave. But I begged her to stay and promised I would change. I totally forgot about that day til she said that. I think the WS always gives clues to what's happening, but the OS doesn't recognize it, or just plays it down. I did both until a year ago. Then I turned into the smothering H that did everything she asked, and I refused to fight with her. What I should have done was quit drinking and pulled away from her. She needed time and space, but I thought she needed my input on everything. Now I let her make her own mistakes and all I do is support whatever decision she makes. I have given up trying to change her, now I just support her. When she pulls away, I pull away too. Then she comes to me when she's ready to, and she discusses her problems. Then if she asks for my help, I help her. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 6, 2010 Share Posted February 6, 2010 Now I let her make her own mistakes and all I do is support whatever decision she makes. I have given up trying to change her, now I just support her. When she pulls away, I pull away too. Then she comes to me when she's ready to, and she discusses her problems. Then if she asks for my help, I help her. But this to me sounds like game playing. Hardly the basis for a good marriage in the long term. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 6, 2010 Author Share Posted February 6, 2010 But this to me sounds like game playing. Hardly the basis for a good marriage in the long term. HUH? How about if I put it this way. When she wants space, give her space. It does work, I'm on a medication to boost my stem cells because I am donating to a lady in Europe, and it is making me feel disconnected. My W was with me all day today, almost smothering me. She said she felt like I was distant so she came closer to me. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 Yes My relationship is beyond help though, sometimes things have gone too far, it's too late as my ex kept putting it, he left me as he thought I didn't love or need him anymore, and nothing I did or said (I tried) could change that, he loves me but we're over as partners (not in love). I've told him I can't see him anymore now, it's too painful, especially as he fancies others now. He really wants to stay in touch but I can't do it anymore. I told him I want to move away to get away from the situation but he tried to put me off moving. There's no way back for us, no way forward I mean. If I help only 1 person isn't that worth it then? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 Yes My relationship is beyond help though, sometimes things have gone too far, it's too late as my ex kept putting it, he left me as he thought I didn't love or need him anymore, and nothing I did or said (I tried) could change that, he loves me but we're over as partners (not in love). I've told him I can't see him anymore now, it's too painful, especially as he fancies others now. He really wants to stay in touch but I can't do it anymore. I told him I want to move away to get away from the situation but he tried to put me off moving. There's no way back for us, no way forward I mean. My W said all the same things to me. she said it was way too far for way too long. She came back though, so what she said, for now, was all false. No kids, move on, let him enjoy his shallow life without you. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 It seems like you see your marriage as a successful reconciliation if it is all on your terms. It feels slightly controlling to me. Not nice. Tell me - do you really feel that you can honestly say your marriage has successfully reconciled when you only think your wife's affair ended as recently as November? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 It seems like you see your marriage as a successful reconciliation if it is all on your terms. It feels slightly controlling to me. Not nice. Tell me - do you really feel that you can honestly say your marriage has successfully reconciled when you only think your wife's affair ended as recently as November? I'm back with my W and we are working things out together. I don't think placing a time limit or a set number of goals makes a recon successful. I guess when I die and I'm still married to my W I'll put, "now my reconciliation is complete." on my headstone. I hope to god they don't charge by the letter. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 I think the one placing the time limit is you. You are stating that you have reconciled after two months. I am saying that my H and I are still reconciling after 18 months. It is highly unlikely that all the issues leading up to your wife's affair and all those caused by it have been dealt with in just two months. Where did goals come into this? I have not made any mention to this and would not do so. Goals implies that there is a formula/route to the reconciliation of marriage and what I have said in several posts is that there is no one set way for reconciliation such as the Homer technique. A reconciliation is not just about still being married, it is about being happily married with someone you see as your partner through thick and thin. The one person you want to see first thing in the morning when you wake up and last thing at night before you sleep. Someone whom you do not need to play games with. Someone who if they are acting distant, you don't back away from but instead offer support. If there are problems, you deal with them together there and then rather than putting your head in the sand. Someone who you would never try to change because you want them just as they are. Someone who you do not try to control. Someone you really do love. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 I think the one placing the time limit is you. You are stating that you have reconciled after two months. I am saying that my H and I are still reconciling after 18 months. It is highly unlikely that all the issues leading up to your wife's affair and all those caused by it have been dealt with in just two months. Where did goals come into this? I have not made any mention to this and would not do so. Goals implies that there is a formula/route to the reconciliation of marriage and what I have said in several posts is that there is no one set way for reconciliation such as the Homer technique. A reconciliation is not just about still being married, it is about being happily married with someone you see as your partner through thick and thin. The one person you want to see first thing in the morning when you wake up and last thing at night before you sleep. Someone whom you do not need to play games with. Someone who if they are acting distant, you don't back away from but instead offer support. If there are problems, you deal with them together there and then rather than putting your head in the sand. Someone who you would never try to change because you want them just as they are. Someone who you do not try to control. Someone you really do love. Beautiful post Anne! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 I totally agree Anne. I used the Homer technique to get her back, not for the recon. Now I do support her, I listen when she talks, and I try to tackle problems together. Some problems she has to handle on her on though. We fell back in love with each other and right now the problems are far and few. I realize the road ahead will be laden with speed bumps and road blocks. I know both of us fear the old people we used to be rearing their ugly heads, but so far so good. There's always a part of me that wants to proactive instead of reactive, which does involve some sort of plan. Anne, me and you differ on some things, but we agree on most. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 Tojaz how do you really feel about cheaters? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 Tojaz how do you really feel about cheaters? I'm not sure I'm understanding the question Tim. I do believe it to be the ultimate disrespect, but I also believe that with the right people, the right commitment, and the right kind of love, it is possible to forgive the unforgivable. That of course is a decision made by each individual on what they can accept and if trust can be rebuilt. Not the trust of knowing what they are doing and when they are doing it, but the trust that you don't need to know. I personally don't know that i am that kind of person I was never given the opportunity to find out. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author tnttim Posted February 7, 2010 Author Share Posted February 7, 2010 I deject my statement of being the recon guy. I have thought really hard about it, and looked at the way I have come across. You are mostly right, I sound like an arrogant, pompus, douche bag. I need to take a break from here for a while and get my sh*t together. I am still hurting from what my W did, and I am really scared she will do it again. I tried to force as many people to my side in hopes that the more support I got, the more it meant I was right. I was looking for justification. I got my W back, but will it last is the real question. I can honestly say I am a way better person today. I crossed a lot of bridges and burned a few in the process. I sincerely apologize to anyone I have hurt on here, I know I pissed a lot of people off as well. I was also using LS as an outlet for my fix it brain, and an outlet for my pent up anger. I picked fights and made a lot of enemies with my attitude. I hope to return an even more changed man. Good luck while I'm gone, and I promise I will return with a completely different attitude, unless I forget my password Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 7, 2010 Share Posted February 7, 2010 Hey, best wishes with your M. BTW, vBulletin has a lost password feature that works, even years from now, as long as you still have the e-mail you registered with. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 I'm sure a lot of folks appreciate that Tim. Were here for you when your ready for the next step bro, write down that password. If you want to talk shoot me a PM and I'll give you my FB or my E-mail. Best of luck to you Tim. No bridges burned here. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 All the best tnttim. You're not the first person to go a little off the tracks while going through this. Not many things in life can twist up someone's emotions like an affair, separation and possible divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted February 8, 2010 Share Posted February 8, 2010 I am still hurting from what my W did, and I am really scared she will do it again. Been there many years ago and I know it hurts like Hell. I hope things work out the best way possible for you. Link to post Share on other sites
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