How do YOU deal with it?

[HurtinginVA]

Hope I picked the right board to post this on Quick recap ~ Hubby cheated, short term affair, wanted divorce, I didnt, about a month later here we are. "Working things out" Things are going pretty good, actually. I am happy, and he says he is, I feel like he is.

 

Here's the problem. I cant seem to avoid that feeling in my stomach that is like the first drop on a roller coaster, everytime I think about what he did. It's usually when Im alone, at work or driving. I can for the most part push it away when Im with him and just focus on something else but it creeps up on me everyday, without fail.........

 

Is it ever going to stop? Or better yet, is there anything I can do to help it stop? I just want to stop thinking about him and the OW, I almost feel like I am obsessing over it. I dont like to bring it up around him, cause its just repetitive and aggravating for the both of us. But some of the things he said, before we agreed to work things out, they bug me too. Like when he was saying he wasnt in love with me anymore, that he just wanted his independence and that he didnt want to be married. Could all of those feelings have changed, already? Or maybe he didnt mean them? I dunno. Anyone?

[crysiet]

Originally posted by HurtinginVA

I dont like to bring it up around him, cause its just repetitive and aggravating for the both of us.

 

It seems like you two still have some things to work out. Even if it is stressful, isnt it more stressful just living with it. Question: does he say he loves you now? If he doesnt, then maybe things havent changed.

[Errol]

Could be he is telling you what you want to hear because he just doesn't want to deal with your reactions to the truth.

 

Get into counseling to help deal with your anxiety, fear and just plain normal emotions that you are feeling right now. It could take years before you can get past this -- will he wait? If he loves you then he owes you that. It not, end it now and move on.

 

Is it ever going to stop? Or better yet, is there anything I can do to help it stop? I just want to stop thinking about him and the OW, I almost feel like I am obsessing over it. I dont like to bring it up around him, cause its just repetitive and aggravating for the both of us. But some of the things he said, before we agreed to work things out, they bug me too. Like when he was saying he wasnt in love with me anymore, that he just wanted his independence and that he didnt want to be married. Could all of those feelings have changed, already? Or maybe he didnt mean them? I dunno. Anyone?

 

Its not obsessing - its normal. It may stop or it may change and become manageable for you. Counseling will help.

 

Feelings can change rapidly. I wouldn't expect anything he says right now to be a life-long commitment. He obviously doesn't know what he wants or how he feels either.

 

It takes time to get past the betrayal - be patient, get help. Good Luck

[NatoPMT]

my friend found out her fella was cheating on her - she left him and stayed with me saying i was ill, and didnt bring it up with him for a week until she had her thoughts straight - they split up, then worked it out and he bent over backwards to make everything right between them again, he did everything she asked for bar leaving work where the other woman was - she left shortly afterwards but my friend would think about this to the point of phoning me for support for a year afterwards, she now says that she doesnt think about it at all and she knows all is well with them.

 

its a long haul. good luck

[mandarincool]

there is still some work to do, in order for either of you to know if the marriage is going to last. the good news is that you both seem to want to work on things, however, this intention must be maintained and followed through on with communication, clarification, and growth.

 

i agree with errol that a lot more discussion and possibly counseling are called for. and that you'd be inhuman if you were not still thinking a lot about what has happened between the two of you. all that having been said, if he tells you he loves you, and does some real soul searching, shares what was going on for him when he said the hurtful, negating things, then you should try and let go of the specific things said in the heat of the moment.

 

but he would really need explain in a way that makes sense, and not just cop out and say, "oops, i didn't mean it, stop obsessing..."

 

best of luck:bunny:

[bark]

You're focusing on two things: the specifics of his betrayal and his long term commitment to you and your marriage.

 

Underlying both is a "stranger in the house" anxiety.

 

Affairs are disorienting to the betrayed spouse; it turns her world upside down. Everything she took for granted vaporizes.

 

I would keep myself busy with family, friends and work to avoid thinking about the OW, and the things your husband did with her. No good can come from obsessing about the dirty details. Forget her. She's history. You're sharing a bed with your husband every night, not her. She's out in the cold.

 

You may want to involve yourself here at LS as a way to distract you from these dark thoughts. Throw yourself into a hobby, anything.

 

The "stranger in the house" anxiety is more troublesome. Your husband compounded problems relating to his infidelity by saying very hurtful things to you. I would be very troubled , as you understandably are, by these hurtful comments.

 

At a minimum, I would question my husband's love and commitment to me and our marriage.

 

Time, however, is a great healer. He probably said these things at a time of great stress and out of anger and defensiveness. No cheater wants to admit that he hurt someone he loved (even if he did).

 

You both have much work: he must regain your trust, and you must learn to trust him again.

 

This is no small order.

 

With time, and possibly professional counseling, all this may just become a bad, but dimming, memory.

 

At least we all hope so.