My Email to My Alcoholic Ex

[kiran]

I've posted on this message board several times in other forums about our painful breakup. It's been a couple of weeks and he initiated it, after binge drinking over the holidays - at one point being drunk an entire week and not eating for 4 or 5 days. He met a young woman in a bar and left me for her. He's always been a binge drinker and I guess thought if he could go a few days in between without drinking he was controlling it.

 

We have a 13 year old daughter and he has not made any attempts to talk to her. I finally sat her down and told her what was going on. I told her that Daddy is an alcoholic, that he loves her and she didn't do anything wrong but that he isn't capable of being her Daddy right now. He can't give her what she needs and may never be able to do so. I have decided to get her counseling so she can deal with this.

 

So the ex finally decided he'd take her to dinner and texted me - wanting to know what I told her.

 

I emailed him and told him I told our daughter the truth...that he's an alcoholic and stated everything that I had told her.

 

I also told him I felt sad to see him this way.

 

That was about it, I sent it without any expectations of a response from him. He replied "ok".

 

I feel so much better since; to actually be able to say the word "alcoholic" to him and not feel as if I have to lie and hide it anymore (especially to our daughter). I was an enabler and cover-upper for 15 years and it's finally over. I am relieved.

[hersmudders]

Have you looked into Alateen for your daughter? It will help her tremendously. It's another version of Al-Anon (support for families and friends of alcoholics) but for younger people. My mom is an alcoholic and I tried therapy for years but it never helped. Al-Anon is so far the only thing that has helped me. She may feel as though she's to blame, even if you tell her she's not. Alateen will help her with whatever she's feeling...she'll be among peers who have the same problems and it may help her not feel so alone (just speculating and remembering how I felt at that age with my mom but I didn't find Al-Anon till just a few years ago). Anyway, look into that for her and also maybe Al-Anon for yourself. It's a huge help.

[Clep]

I felt so free when I finally said that word to our son. It wasn't an excuse to our son but an understanding. My son knows much about alcoholism and will go to alateen if he so chooses when he is old enough.

 

I go to Al-anon and am so grateful as I have a peace I have never felt before as well as direction and confidence in my choices. I don't know if you have gone but it may help.

 

How is your daughter feeling about the dinner? Hope things are going okay.

[kiran]

I felt so free when I finally said that word to our son. It wasn't an excuse to our son but an understanding. My son knows much about alcoholism and will go to alateen if he so chooses when he is old enough.

 

I go to Al-anon and am so grateful as I have a peace I have never felt before as well as direction and confidence in my choices. I don't know if you have gone but it may help.

 

How is your daughter feeling about the dinner? Hope things are going okay.

 

Hi Clep -

 

Thanks for the reply. The dinner was strange - he replied to my email, sent it to himself, printed it and gave it to our daughter. He refuted everything I said (that he isn't an alcoholic, he drank too much for a little while and is OK now) and painted a very rosy picture of his life and what he's doing, that he'll always be there for her and me. Insisted he still loves us, still wants to help us and wants to be friends with me. He wants us to stay in the house and live there for a long time.

 

Then he sat there and showed our daughter pictures of his new girlfriend (aka drinking buddy) and talked about her. (ARGH!) What a horrible thing to do to a child!!

 

She came home, upset, and shared what he wrote and said with me, then said "Mom, Daddy wrote all this stuff and I know it's a lie because he looks horrible. He looks tired and unhappy and wasn't my Daddy at all". I told her she didn't have to see him if it makes her too uncomfortable and she said "but if I'm not there for him he will be alone. You're not there for him anymore and I know this girl isn't there for him".

 

I was horrified she said this - the last think I want is for her to assume the role of caretaker - for her to feel responsible for him as I have done for so many years and now refuse to do.

 

I am also angry that he would try to manipulate her in this way - and yes me too - he knew she'd let me read what he wrote. I think he is betting he can come back when he's finished with this girl.

 

Any additional advice is appreciated; thanks.

[Clep]

Hi Clep -

 

Thanks for the reply. The dinner was strange - he replied to my email, sent it to himself, printed it and gave it to our daughter. He refuted everything I said (that he isn't an alcoholic, he drank too much for a little while and is OK now) and painted a very rosy picture of his life and what he's doing, that he'll always be there for her and me. Insisted he still loves us, still wants to help us and wants to be friends with me. He wants us to stay in the house and live there for a long time.

 

Then he sat there and showed our daughter pictures of his new girlfriend (aka drinking buddy) and talked about her. (ARGH!) What a horrible thing to do to a child!!

 

She came home, upset, and shared what he wrote and said with me, then said "Mom, Daddy wrote all this stuff and I know it's a lie because he looks horrible. He looks tired and unhappy and wasn't my Daddy at all". I told her she didn't have to see him if it makes her too uncomfortable and she said "but if I'm not there for him he will be alone. You're not there for him anymore and I know this girl isn't there for him".

 

I was horrified she said this - the last think I want is for her to assume the role of caretaker - for her to feel responsible for him as I have done for so many years and now refuse to do.

 

I am also angry that he would try to manipulate her in this way - and yes me too - he knew she'd let me read what he wrote. I think he is betting he can come back when he's finished with this girl.

 

Any additional advice is appreciated; thanks.

 

The disease of alcoholism is cunning, baffling and powerful. I would not expect him to be anything less than manipulative and a chronic liar at this point. I believe that he is looking for self worth, inner peace, and acceptance in all the wrong places....the bottom of a bottle. He is lost and powerless and with that comes shame. He must lie to cover up the shame and his ego and pride make sure he lies, to cover up the real him, to create the mask. He is not doing this to you or to her, he is doing it to himself and you happen to be dealing with the shrapnel flying out from all areas.

 

It sounds like he had you enabling him for many years, being the caretaker which is very common. Co-signing his bull****. He now has someone else to do that and he wants your child to do the same. She has probably learned the role of caretaker well as you were her model for that. Congratulations on changing your role there as it is quite the challenge to do that.

 

Your daughter sounds like a very in tune child. She knows what is right and wrong. She probably knows that he is trying to manipulate her...and she already doesn't believe it.

 

I learned about the disease of alcoholism and started teaching my son. I did that by going to Al-anon meetings and talking with a long time knowledgeable member of AA to gain the perspective of the A in my life. I didn't have to worry about my son trying to be a caretaker as my son was not around his father.

 

If I was in your shoes I would probably try to get across to her that might be beneficial for her to learn about the disease and herself. I would then let her know she can learn those things at Alateen and take her if she so desires. She will learn what is required and things will become clear to her, that her role is not to be a support person at all. She will be able to identify with others. Maybe take her to lots of meetings in different places to aid her in choosing the right one for her.

 

I try to keep in mind for myself that I cannot teach my child what I do not know so I go to Al-anon too. With everyone speaking in meetings I am bound to take something out of it, even if it is only one thing. Anger is a natural result of the tactics used by the A. I did learn though how to not harbor anger all the time regardless of what the A is doing. Life became a much better place then.

[You Go Girl]

uggh. so sorry for your pain.

Your daughter is scared that there's no one to take care of him properly. She knows he isn't taking care of himself.

I think alateen may help, but I'd also discuss the meetings with her if she wants to, because I don't think it is everything it is cracked up to be. It works for some--doesn't work for everyone.

Best thing you can do for your daughter is to be there for her. See if any meetings with her dad can be when he is sober, not that you can control that, but you could ask him to not see her when intoxicated and see if he will feel enough guilt not to do that.

I think you need to tell your daughter something along the lines of--dad wants to take care of himself now, so we have to let him try that. Some days he is going to do alright, other days he is going to fail and drink himself sick. But we can't intervene--we have to let him try on his own--just like I as your mom can't take your math tests in school for you (or something along those lines).

Saying that might lift some of the burden she feels to become a replacement caretaker.

Meanwhile, you need to show her that women when single can take control of their own lives. Live by example of strength--find time to smile and laugh with her--but don't pretend it's lovely all the time. Be honest.

Start some mom-daughter nights out, whatever you can afford. A shopping night out. If money is tight--then a pillow fight, movie and popcorn at home.

[kiran]

Update:

 

Thanks for the replies, a tremendous help. Since my original post and my ex's dinner with our daughter last Thursday, there has been no contact. At that time, he told her he'd take her to dinner again on Tuesday (yesterday). Well, Tuesday came and went with nothing; he didn't text, call or come to pick her up. I don't care what he does or says to me, but I can't stand to see her suffer through this. I just told her that Daddy is in a not so good place right now and you can't depend on what he tells you. That it's not her, but him.

 

Part of me wants to call him and yell at him for treating her so horribly but I have not done so. I won't - it's difficult but I've decided to not contact him. He and I still have a lot of joint things to separate but I won't contact him about that stuff either. I often find myself hoping he is in hell and something horrible happens so he'll hit rock bottom and get some help. I don't want to think such things but I do.

 

Anyway - will be taking our daughter to Al Ateen tomorrow; she wants to go and it won't hurt to see what it's all about.

[Clep]

How did it go with your daughter and the alateen meeting. Hope it went well and things are going a little better with the ex.

[You Go Girl]

Stress to your daughter that her daddy is ill from alcoholism. That when he ever stops drinking and starts getting well, that will be when she should be able to count on him to follow through on promises such as taking her to dinner. That until that day comes, she can't depend on him to follow through on promises. That it is the illness that causes this, not a lack of love for her. That getting the necessary help, facing the truth of his alcoholism, is something only he can do, and that you nor she can do it for him, no more than you could study for her tests at school and take them for her.