Pregnant with MM baby - Those with similar experience?

[girlintwocities]

Hi everyone,

Well I should have followed the advice of the individuals here when I posted a year ago asking about my situation and if the MM would leave his wife.

 

Im married, 35 years old, and have been seeing a MM who is my best friend for about 2 years. He is about 25 years older than me.

 

I realize many of you will want to give me a lesson in morality and ethics and while I will read and listen what I really need is some candid solid advice from other women (or men) who have been in a similar situation. I don't know what the heck to do and have about 48 hours to figure it out before I head back "home" from a business trip.

 

While on the trip I found out I am pregnant from the MM. Ive been married about 4 years, albeit it admittedly unhappily. My H has 0 interest in sex and has since we married. We don't really have much of a marriage. He agrees we're both happy that I am on the road so much for work as he gets to "live his single life" as do I. Obviously for at least 2 years I have been contemplating divorce but out of fear of being alone, I haven't. My H hasn't for the same reasons.

 

The MM I am seeing has of course used all the usual "I'm in love with you" stuff. His wife was given info about the affair about a year ago from a disgruntled employee but she dismissed it. Yes I am an idiot for buying into it.

 

Recently the MM wanted me to start meeting his 3 grown children that are *not* from his current wife - I told him I would be flat out honest about our relationship and he wanted me to anyway so he could determine how his family would react once left his wife. Obviously I took this as a positive sign. He also talked with me about wanting children and how happy he would be when we got the opportunity.

 

I was very honest with his children and they have told him to go be happy - that it's obvious there has been no love between his current wife and him for the past 25 years. As his daughter put it, "he hired her to do a job - to raise us. We are grown now and he has to move on." He's very well off but very stingy with his money - so for any of you thinking I'm in this for that - I make more than he does and have paid for more than 80% of everything with him.

 

Now some additional complications. My life has me on the road about 9 months out of the year. I also work at my laptop about 16 hours a day. I have severe insomnia and have since the age of 4. While having a child right now isn't exactly ideal, I can afford to finally support the child, I am educated with three degrees, and despite what you are all thinking about what I have done with my marriage vows and the MM I am an otherwise morally sound person. In addition to believing that this is a human life and I don't have the right to take it away. Therefore, I have decided against an abortion.

 

I am about 6 weeks into the pregnancy.

 

When I told the MM last Thursday when I found out, his first response was to ask me if I wanted it. I found this surprising since he said he wanted a baby with me. After I made it clear abortion wasn't an option, he suggested I abort this one and we try again next month since I was worried about sleep medication I had taken before I knew I was pregnant. He said "please don't read into this as a suggestion." Yeah right!

 

When I ask him where his head is, he knows that he has to make a decision and that it is final. Me or her - and if it's her, I'm raising this child by myself or with my H. I will miss him tremendously - the relationship wasn't about sex but intimacy and understanding which we have to a great degree. He has surprised me with ridiculous statements like "well by some standard some would say I need to man up and raise this kid".. and then in the next sentence saying he's not ready for the lifestyle change (well newsflash - me either - but it's coming - end of story).

 

So to those of you can offer constructive help here (I'm sure Ill also get my supply of hate mail, yes I know I shouldn't have screwed around with a MM and I should not have cheated on my husband but divorced if I was unhappy - I know that - and obviously I'm dealing with very serious repercussions as a result -- but I have an obligation to this unborn baby to do the best thing for him or her now and not think about myself in the selfish manner I have for the past 16 months), these are the questions I'm asking myself:

 

1. Im going to ask him tonight for a final decision on whether he is leaving. If it's no, thoughts on what to do next?

2. If it's yes, how long do I give him to "prove it"? Obviously I will need see my husband soon and can only hide the nausea so long

3. Do I ditch the MM entirely just on how he's handled this situation alone and move on?

4. Regardless of 1-3 -- My husband and I did have sex once (in the past year) about 1 week before conception. Do I tell my husband the child is his to give the baby a father? My physician says there is about a 5% chance it is his.

5. Do I tell my husband the truth or just ask for a divorce before it is obvious I am pregnant?

6. I don't need or want his child support, so if he walks away do I tell his wife? If I dont tell my husband it is his, people will ask me who the father is. I am sick and tired of lying to cover this guys butt.

 

I really appreciate any advice here. I'm scared to death - and I don't want pity or sympathy for my actions - I am looking for some thoughts from those who have been in this situation. I don't know what the MM will ultimately decide (though he says 90% chance he will leave her, he's been saying that 16 months). My ideal is for the child to be raised by its biological parents, but I can go it alone if that is in the best interest of everyone involved.

 

Help!

 

GirlInTwoCities

Edited February 5, 2010 by girlintwocities
clarification

[2sure]

Look, you are an intelligent woman able to make decisions. Good ones and bad ones. You are unclear here only because you as of yet - have had no children of your own.

 

The MM isnt leaving his wife and doesnt want this baby. You KNOW this.

Your H and you have to decide if you want to stay married. This is something you must decide together with the facts on the table. Because this is reality, this is life. This is not pretend, you cant make it up as you go or bend reality to what you wish. You KNOW this right? If you dont understand this...then you are very mistaken and comfortable with being manipulative with OTHER people's LIVES. Thats not you right?

 

So, clearly you cannot tell your husband the baby is his. You can tell him the truth - that there is a 5 % chance of it. You can tell him the truth - that you feel you want a divorce , that you have had this affair, that you are concerned with being alone. You and he have to decide what to do together. Its hard, its a big pill to swallow, you have to be brave. But you have to do this and you know it.

 

As to your child having a father. He/She might not. It happens, its OK.

If the MM is not going to leave his wife, he isnt going to tell her about the baby and will at best...just continue to keep you both a half secret or less. That may have been OK for you...but you want more for your baby than that. Or you will, I promise.

 

If you and your H decide to give this a shot, he will have to decide if he will raise the child as his own and be permanently responsible for this being - emotionally and legally. Thats up to him.

 

And it may not seem important now...because it is so far away and foreign to you...but eventually the person you raise is going to need the truth. Period.

 

It sounds to me like you are going to raise this baby alone. You are not going to be able to travel for employment any longer. Cant be done.

So - your biggest decision here is juggling parenthood with your job, same decision many people deal with. One you would deal with regardless of who the father is or if you were married or single.

 

The truth, when a baby is involved, is simply not optional. This is reality, its OK, you can do it.

 

Congrats. Life changes, you know?

[girlintwocities]

I do hear you and thanks for your candor. No I'm not okay with telling my husband it's his child, I feel a bit lost at the moment and looking for a compass. You are right .. I don't have children, so I don't really know what to expect here. My bosses have given the green light on other people traveling with nannies etc to help out. Hoping I can afford to do that as I can't pay my mortgage without the job.

 

I do believe in my gut the MM wants to stay with his wife and not even out of love but out of "comfort". He knows what to expect, she doesn't question him and they have a routine. I agree that he doesn't want the baby. He married his wife because she was pregnant and he needed someone to raise his 3 kids from his first marriage - irony. It is sad to me to watch him look for signs of a miscarriage.

 

It feels to me like I should give him a specified amount of time to leave there to allow the child to be raised by both parents, but maybe that is giving the guy too much credit. If I come clean with my H, should I come clean with his wife too?

 

Indeed life does change..

 

Look, you are an intelligent woman able to make decisions. Good ones and bad ones. You are unclear here only because you as of yet - have had no children of your own.

 

The MM isnt leaving his wife and doesnt want this baby. You KNOW this.

Your H and you have to decide if you want to stay married. This is something you must decide together with the facts on the table. Because this is reality, this is life. This is not pretend, you cant make it up as you go or bend reality to what you wish. You KNOW this right? If you dont understand this...then you are very mistaken and comfortable with being manipulative with OTHER people's LIVES. Thats not you right?

 

So, clearly you cannot tell your husband the baby is his. You can tell him the truth - that there is a 5 % chance of it. You can tell him the truth - that you feel you want a divorce , that you have had this affair, that you are concerned with being alone. You and he have to decide what to do together. Its hard, its a big pill to swallow, you have to be brave. But you have to do this and you know it.

 

As to your child having a father. He/She might not. It happens, its OK.

If the MM is not going to leave his wife, he isnt going to tell her about the baby and will at best...just continue to keep you both a half secret or less. That may have been OK for you...but you want more for your baby than that. Or you will, I promise.

 

If you and your H decide to give this a shot, he will have to decide if he will raise the child as his own and be permanently responsible for this being - emotionally and legally. Thats up to him.

 

And it may not seem important now...because it is so far away and foreign to you...but eventually the person you raise is going to need the truth. Period.

 

It sounds to me like you are going to raise this baby alone. You are not going to be able to travel for employment any longer. Cant be done.

So - your biggest decision here is juggling parenthood with your job, same decision many people deal with. One you would deal with regardless of who the father is or if you were married or single.

 

The truth, when a baby is involved, is simply not optional. This is reality, its OK, you can do it.

 

Congrats. Life changes, you know?

[bentnotbroken]

You already know the answer to all your questions. Time to face those answers.

[reboot]

"who have been in a similar situation."

 

people with right mind can not be in this situation

 

That's completely uncalled for.

[girlintwocities]

That's completely uncalled for.

 

Uncalled for but I expect a large amount of that stuff.. hoping it is outweighed by the good advice.. At this point the situation is what it is. All I can do is make the best decisions going forward..

[jwi71]

No I'm not okay with telling my husband it's his child,

 

Good. The truth and all of it. Its likely your M will end that moment as few men want to raise another's man child from his W.

 

I feel a bit lost at the moment and looking for a compass.

A compass does you NO good until you know where you want to end up.

So...how do you want this to end? What is the destination here so to speak? Once you know how you want this "all" ends in your mind...the path becomes clear.

 

You are right .. I don't have children, so I don't really know what to expect here. My bosses have given the green light on other people traveling with nannies etc to help out. Hoping I can afford to do that as I can't pay my mortgage without the job.

Not possible. This is a bit of naive fairytale land.

No way you work 16 hours a day with a young child...much less a newborn. You can just forget that and now. As he/she grows older...they need school. Unless you plan on homeschooling from whatever city and hotel room (for three...you baby and nanny (who is also a teacher)) you are in. And how is your child supposed to make normal social attachments like the ones they make in school? See where I'm going? The realties, inlcuding the financial ones, haven't quite hit home for you yet.

 

I'd start looking for a job that doesn't require travel and NOW.

 

And uh, get a paternity test and immediately sue for child support. You're gonna need it.

 

I do believe in my gut the MM wants to stay with his wife and not even out of love but out of "comfort".

Spot on...its why he asked you for an abortion...and yeah, he did. Last thing he wants is this (I mean the situation). He's going nowhere.

It is sad to me to watch him look for signs of a miscarriage.

Your MM is disgusting piece-of-brown-stinky-monkey-shyt...forget sad. No human with a soul does this. Un-freaking-real.

 

It feels to me like I should give him a specified amount of time to leave there to allow the child to be raised by both parents, but maybe that is giving the guy too much credit.

More fantasy land. You can't possibly believe that "your" MM wants to raise this child after asking for an abortion and "Watching for signs of a miscarriage". And lets face it, he was HOPING (IS HOPING)...not watching.

 

This child will be raised by you and you alone. Unless your H shocks me and agrees to raise him or her. And hey, its ok. I basically raise my two kids as a single father...hard? oh yeah. Rewarding? Even more so.

 

If I come clean with my H, should I come clean with his wife too?

IF? wtf. Don't go against all you have posted and decide to be this lying sneaking conniving piece-of-shyt yourself and LIE to your H. How could you DARE to fill him with the majesty of fatherhood...when its a lie (95%).

 

Look, your M is very likely over. Accept it. It has been for a LONG time. A divorce now is just a piece of paper. I urge you to NOT stay M because your upcoming life seems "too hard". That will be FAR worse than leaving now. The truth has this way of coming out...

 

Now, come clean with his W. SHE deserves to know as well...as does his children. Since he is well off, HIS yet unborn child DESERVES a piece of the estate...so its going to come out sooner or later. That warm reception you got earlier will be replaced rather quickly when this gets out I think...and for this very reason.

 

Rely not on the MM on his family (and believe me, you and your child will be outsiders). Rely not on deceiving your H for financial comfort.

 

Rely on you. It can be done.

 

And when the day comes (and it will) that your child asks about daddy...answer honestly. And point out all the GOOD and RIGHTFUL choices you made after conception...BE that role model by...well, being that role model.

[reservoirdog1]

4. Regardless of 1-3 -- My husband and I did have sex once (in the past year) about 1 week before conception. Do I tell my husband the child is his to give the baby a father? My physician says there is about a 5% chance it is his.

I'm not going to be judgmental, and I acknowledge that you said you're not planning to do the above. But I want to underline exactly how scummy a hypothetical person would be to tell their partner that the foetus is theirs, when they know damned well it's almost certainly not. That would be collossally disrespectful and a huge liberty taken with somebody else's life and emotions.

 

I hope you put that option out of your mind completely.

[Disintegration]

You should tell your H. It's the correct thing to do. If you aren't 100% sure it's your husbands child then you shouldn't lie and try to cover up that it is his. Don't mislead him just be honest and deal with the consequences. You can definitely find out after the child is born to determine paternity. If the OM said he wanted you to abort the child and you are totally against that then you need to leave him. Abort now and try in 1 month? That is insane. Is it because he isn't sure of who the father is? Well that is the risk of having sex, conception. He shouldn't have been having an affair with a married woman, but what has happened now you can't undo. You just have to do what you think is the right thing, because only will do what you see fit in this unfortunate situation.

[girlintwocities]

You're spot on about not knowing quite where I want to end up. Happy after creating a heck of a bad situation for myself and a child is ideal but may or may not happen. I do need to acknowledge as you pointed out that my marriage has been over for a long time.. this may be a catalyst to end it but it's been over for years.

 

I have no idea what it will be like to raise a baby or an infant that is for sure. Scares the heck out of me.. I also don't believe I have the right to take he or she's life so have to deal with the cards I dealt myself..

 

I'll need to take my chances with my H and see where it goes.. My gut knows this.. I guess it helps to have outside confirmation..I appreciate the time you took to respond..

 

 

 

Good. The truth and all of it. Its likely your M will end that moment as few men want to raise another's man child from his W.

 

A compass does you NO good until you know where you want to end up.

So...how do you want this to end? What is the destination here so to speak? Once you know how you want this "all" ends in your mind...the path becomes clear.

 

Not possible. This is a bit of naive fairytale land.

No way you work 16 hours a day with a young child...much less a newborn. You can just forget that and now. As he/she grows older...they need school. Unless you plan on homeschooling from whatever city and hotel room (for three...you baby and nanny (who is also a teacher)) you are in. And how is your child supposed to make normal social attachments like the ones they make in school? See where I'm going? The realties, inlcuding the financial ones, haven't quite hit home for you yet.

 

I'd start looking for a job that doesn't require travel and NOW.

 

And uh, get a paternity test and immediately sue for child support. You're gonna need it.

 

Spot on...its why he asked you for an abortion...and yeah, he did. Last thing he wants is this (I mean the situation). He's going nowhere.

Your MM is disgusting piece-of-brown-stinky-monkey-shyt...forget sad. No human with a soul does this. Un-freaking-real.

 

More fantasy land. You can't possibly believe that "your" MM wants to raise this child after asking for an abortion and "Watching for signs of a miscarriage". And lets face it, he was HOPING (IS HOPING)...not watching.

 

This child will be raised by you and you alone. Unless your H shocks me and agrees to raise him or her. And hey, its ok. I basically raise my two kids as a single father...hard? oh yeah. Rewarding? Even more so.

 

IF? wtf. Don't go against all you have posted and decide to be this lying sneaking conniving piece-of-shyt yourself and LIE to your H. How could you DARE to fill him with the majesty of fatherhood...when its a lie (95%).

 

Look, your M is very likely over. Accept it. It has been for a LONG time. A divorce now is just a piece of paper. I urge you to NOT stay M because your upcoming life seems "too hard". That will be FAR worse than leaving now. The truth has this way of coming out...

 

Now, come clean with his W. SHE deserves to know as well...as does his children. Since he is well off, HIS yet unborn child DESERVES a piece of the estate...so its going to come out sooner or later. That warm reception you got earlier will be replaced rather quickly when this gets out I think...and for this very reason.

 

Rely not on the MM on his family (and believe me, you and your child will be outsiders). Rely not on deceiving your H for financial comfort.

 

Rely on you. It can be done.

 

And when the day comes (and it will) that your child asks about daddy...answer honestly. And point out all the GOOD and RIGHTFUL choices you made after conception...BE that role model by...well, being that role model.

[girlintwocities]

Reservoirdog you are spot on right. It will be permanently out of my mind. I did a bit of a brain dump when writing this. I know in my gut what I have to do.. some other questions remain unresolved but that one.. I couldn't live with myself knowing I'd been that deceitful to someone.

 

I'm not going to be judgmental, and I acknowledge that you said you're not planning to do the above. But I want to underline exactly how scummy a hypothetical person would be to tell their partner that the foetus is theirs, when they know damned well it's almost certainly not. That would be collossally disrespectful and a huge liberty taken with somebody else's life and emotions.

 

I hope you put that option out of your mind completely.

[girlintwocities]

Why isn't abortion an option here?

 

Seriously...it can't be due to your ethics or morality, you don't have any.

 

Abort it.

 

--Thanks but I do.. I've made mistakes but I'm not a sociopath. I'm curious why you think abortion is the best option here if I am capable of caring for the child..

[reboot]

To answer the one question you asked that no one has addressed, yeah, I'd tell his wife.

[girlintwocities]

If the OM said he wanted you to abort the child and you are totally against that then you need to leave him. Abort now and try in 1 month? That is insane. Is it because he isn't sure of who the father is? Well that is the risk of having sex, conception. He shouldn't have been having an affair with a married woman, but what has happened now you can't undo. You just have to do what you think is the right thing, because only will do what you see fit in this unfortunate situation.

 

 

--No he's certain who the father is. He says to "put my mind at ease" about my sleeping medication but my physician has already done that -- not a risk. His real motivation in my view is that he knows I'd never get pregnant on purpose, so I wouldn't take him up on his offer to try again in a month even if I was okay having an abortion. I believe it was purely to get himself out of a situation...

[girlintwocities]

To clarify my own post reservoirdog in my reply to you, I said I couldn't handle being like that to someone.. obviously I've done some pretty terrible things. I don't want to add to it ..

 

I'm not going to be judgmental, and I acknowledge that you said you're not planning to do the above. But I want to underline exactly how scummy a hypothetical person would be to tell their partner that the foetus is theirs, when they know damned well it's almost certainly not. That would be collossally disrespectful and a huge liberty taken with somebody else's life and emotions.

 

I hope you put that option out of your mind completely.

[reboot]

And you should reconsider your stance on child support from him. It doesn't matter whether you need it or not. It isn't for you, it's for the child, who deserves it. This man dropped his pants and made a baby, he should help support it. Even if you do nothing but sock it away for the child's future.

[girlintwocities]

Thanks reboot.. what would be the motivation for doing that? Right now I can't think of any good reason to bring her pain. If I do that, it has to be for good intentions.. otherwise I'm not sure I could bring myself to doing that.. seems it's between him and her..?

 

To answer the one question you asked that no one has addressed, yeah, I'd tell his wife.

[girlintwocities]

And you should reconsider your stance on child support from him. It doesn't matter whether you need it or not. It isn't for you, it's for the child, who deserves it. This man dropped his pants and made a baby, he should help support it. Even if you do nothing but sock it away for the child's future.

 

--I see your point.. I guess it goes to whether Im telling his wife.. because she controls ALL of the finances in that household.. he can't buy a bottle of water without her asking what the charge was. No way he can write a check and have her not realize it. If I'm truly going to do this on my own and not go to the guy for anything, then it seems it might be in the baby's best interest to get him out of there entirely...?? I don't know..

[reboot]

Thanks reboot.. what would be the motivation for doing that? Right now I can't think of any good reason to bring her pain. If I do that, it has to be for good intentions.. otherwise I'm not sure I could bring myself to doing that.. seems it's between him and her..?

 

It's not about bringing her pain. It's about giving her information. She deserves to know that her life is a lie. She deserves to be able to decide how she wants to live the rest of her life based on the TRUTH.

 

Truth is a powerful thing. I've noticed most people simply don't believe in it.

[reboot]

By the way, these are just my personal opinions. I realize there aren't a lot of "good" answers here. Life sucks like that sometimes. You're likely going to be stuck choosing whichever path sucks the least for you.

[girlintwocities]

It's not about bringing her pain. It's about giving her information. She deserves to know that her life is a lie. She deserves to be able to decide how she wants to live the rest of her life based on the TRUTH.

 

Truth is a powerful thing. I've noticed most people simply don't believe in it.

 

--I'd want to know if I were her that is for sure.. She chooses to bury her head in the sand where her husband is concerned. He told me once she's asked almost monthly if he's having an affair. Despite whatever evidence she has, he says "no" and she believes it.

 

Truth is very powerful indeed. I hope that truth allows the child to have a happy life.. and for things to resolve. Even if this man decides he wants to stay in my life, I'm hoping I have the strength to say no.

[girlintwocities]

By the way, these are just my personal opinions. I realize there aren't a lot of "good" answers here. Life sucks like that sometimes. You're likely going to be stuck choosing whichever path sucks the least for you.

 

--Isnt that the truth...the path of least sucky. There is no "good option" here. I have one very good friend I have confided in about this and she thinks I need to abort it. I don't know why that seems to be option #1 for people..

[Disintegration]

She has the right to know, a child more than likely has been conceived by her H with another woman. That information alone is life changing. If he doesn't tell her you have to inform her. The truth always comes out in the end anyways. If he does turn out to be the father he wont be able to hide the fact that he is getting sued for child support assuming you go through with a paternity test. Can you imagine the deceit the W will feel knowing after the fact? Trust me, there is no good outcome but the sooner she knows the better. Not years afterwards.

[2sure]

. Life sucks like that sometimes. You're likely going to be stuck choosing whichever path sucks the least for you

 

Hey, thats what it all comes down to isnt it?? Ive got to print that. When making decisions I'm just going to forget about trying to figure out whats best....its going to be: What sucks less??

 

Ha!

[girlintwocities]

She has the right to know, a child more than likely has been conceived by her H with another woman. That information alone is life changing. If he doesn't tell her you have to inform her. The truth always comes out in the end anyways. If he does turn out to be the father he wont be able to hide the fact that he is getting sued for child support assuming you go through with a paternity test. Can you imagine the deceit the W will feel knowing after the fact? Trust me, there is no good outcome but the sooner she knows the better. Not years afterwards.

 

---The only way I would tell her is if I was committing to the child support.. I can't imagine doing that as I don't need or want his money and can support the child just fine .. ?