Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 . Life sucks like that sometimes. You're likely going to be stuck choosing whichever path sucks the least for you Hey, thats what it all comes down to isnt it?? Ive got to print that. When making decisions I'm just going to forget about trying to figure out whats best....its going to be: What sucks less?? Ha! --There does seem to be no good option here but the one of least damage.. and then to whom.. in priority for me it is 1. the child, 2. my husband, 3. myself, 4. MM. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 --Isnt that the truth...the path of least sucky. There is no "good option" here. I have one very good friend I have confided in about this and she thinks I need to abort it. I don't know why that seems to be option #1 for people.. I'm getting the distinct impression you want to keep this baby. If you choose that path I applaud you. It's a very courageous decision. I'm not a radical pro-lifer or anything like that, but I am a father who thinks you probably won't ever regret giving a child life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 For what its worth, you should tell the MM's wife. I dont know if you are thinking telling her would force his hand and you would end up with him...or what... But the reason she is told is besides the point because really this is a life circumstance that is just wrong to be hidden from someone so deeply affected by it. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Hey, thats what it all comes down to isnt it?? Ive got to print that. When making decisions I'm just going to forget about trying to figure out whats best....its going to be: What sucks less?? Ha! You know that famous Robert Frost poem was actually originally titled "The Road Less Sucky" right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I'm getting the distinct impression you want to keep this baby. If you choose that path I applaud you. It's a very courageous decision. I'm not a radical pro-lifer or anything like that, but I am a father who thinks you probably won't ever regret giving a child life. Reboot your note brought pretty serious tears to my eyes. In a good way. That is the thing I've been trying to explain to my friend that she doesn't understand. I get the "feeling" I will feel good about that for the same reason you describe regardless of circumstances later on when a lot of the dust has settled to its crevices. I'm not a radical pro lifer either and believe everyone should have a choice but that unless circumstances that are unbearable I should live up to the life growing inside of me. I'm exceedingly scared, but I do feel I want to keep this baby and do my absolute best. I can tell you one thing and that is that the MM's preference to get "rid of it" and continue the affair is NOT persuading my thoughts or feelings on it.. It sickened me that he thought "for my mental health" we should abort this one and try again next month and he "promises to deliver" on that promise to do it.. He knows I wouldn't ever intentionally create this situation for myself or for a child.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 For what its worth, you should tell the MM's wife. I dont know if you are thinking telling her would force his hand and you would end up with him...or what... But the reason she is told is besides the point because really this is a life circumstance that is just wrong to be hidden from someone so deeply affected by it. --Honestly if this had happened a year ago 2sure I probably would have thought that he would never "abandon" his child or me.. and I'd probably think he was freaked out about it and just needed time and would tell her on his own and leave. However, after having about a thousand chances to tell her he doesn't want to be married and his grown children knowing about the A, I seriously doubt anything at all would make him leave. He said himself about six months ago "it isn't you, I don't think anything could make me leave. I have a nest there." I believe that is one moment of clarity he had in all of this even though he quickly reverted to 'give me time and I will leave.' I have believed since then he'd never leave regardless, and I'm 99% certain his W will say "okay we will help out and share custody" and ultimately not leave him when he begs for forgiveness. If I tell her, I am almost entirely sure that this child will be dealing with an angry stepmom and a screwed up father in addition to the circumstances I've dealt the baby. So would I be telling her so he'd leave or she would leave? Nope. I truly believe nothing will cause him to leave. If anyone in an affair is reading this and believing the MM and thinking yours is different.. Ugh. Trust me, it isn't. Mine wasn't in it for the sex but for the emotional connection.. everyone has their reasons.. but there is something that keeps them married, too. Link to post Share on other sites
scatterd Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Big hugs.but i want you think about his age how is his health do you think he will be around long enough to raise this child.i am going by what my dad thought of when questioned about it from his younger woman.he already raised his children and wanted to be around if he was to have a child.they never had one but they loved and respected each other to make the desitions.this is his blood so give him a chance to talk and tell you his concerns and your husband needs to know also.you will be ok.i know your scared but once the cats out of the bag it will be easy to make a choise.good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 i am really interested in knowing in your priority list while you are on cheating spree......to me it seems like none of your priorities really changed,it was/is all about you and how it should not affect your life even after this shiyt --Obviously scorpmale it wasn't my best decision. However I have made some good decisions in life. That doesn't mean people cannot try to do their best out of a situation that they created.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 Big hugs.but i want you think about his age how is his health do you think he will be around long enough to raise this child.i am going by what my dad thought of when questioned about it from his younger woman.he already raised his children and wanted to be around if he was to have a child.they never had one but they loved and respected each other to make the desitions.this is his blood so give him a chance to talk and tell you his concerns and your husband needs to know also.you will be ok.i know your scared but once the cats out of the bag it will be easy to make a choise.good luck! --Thanks.. yeah he is significantly older than me .. about 25 years older. He is in good health but .. even 20 years would be slightly more than average for his generation ... I'm exceedingly healthy and have a healthy lifestyle.. he.. not so much. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 --Obviously scorpmale it wasn't my best decision. However I have made some good decisions in life. That doesn't mean people cannot try to do their best out of a situation that they created.. The first thing you have to learn on LS is that there are lots of bitter people and it's usually best to just ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
outofthedark Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Although we had separated, I became pregnant by a mm while I was married. The very first thing I have to say is regarding telling his wife. So many people on the threads say yes, she deserves the truth. I agree the wife needs the truth but I disagree that it is your place to tell her at this time. Maybe later you may have to but right now, it isn't your place. Whether you and mm end up together or not, you should first give him the opportunity to tell her himself. It will come much easier from him than you for her to hear those words. She deserves the truth in the manner that will hurt the least. This is nothing to hear easily, let him do his own dirty work. If the 2 of you do not end up together, baby is born and wife still knows nothing... then you should tell. Even if you can financially support a baby alone, it deserves a proper paternity on a birth certificate. With that you should get child support as well. Even if just to sink into a college fund. My mm had left his wife 3 months before we found out I was pregnant. I found out a year later that had I not become pregnant, he probably would have tried to go back to her. My situation is totally unlike yours in that manner. Once she found out I was pregnant, she no longer wanted to try to work things out. She was all about making his life miserable. Beware of this. If I could go back and change one thing it would be that I made the decision to plan for my and baby future and not plan for our future as a family. We are together still but it was a very very hard road to travel.. still is. Take care of your baby, and your brain, and your heart. It is what you MUST focus on. Don't try to control the situation by telling people, control yourself and your own future. You never want to feel like the "forced option".... its an even worse feeling than being the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 The first thing you have to learn on LS is that there are lots of bitter people and it's usually best to just ignore them. --Ugh.. got it. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I agree the wife needs the truth but I disagree that it is your place to tell her at this time. Maybe later you may have to but right now, it isn't your place. Whether you and mm end up together or not, you should first give him the opportunity to tell her himself. It will come much easier from him than you for her to hear those words. She deserves the truth in the manner that will hurt the least. This is nothing to hear easily, let him do his own dirty work. I do agree with you about this. When I said she should tell I really meant if he wouldn't. Sorry for not being clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 Although we had separated, I became pregnant by a mm while I was married. The very first thing I have to say is regarding telling his wife. So many people on the threads say yes, she deserves the truth. I agree the wife needs the truth but I disagree that it is your place to tell her at this time. Maybe later you may have to but right now, it isn't your place. Whether you and mm end up together or not, you should first give him the opportunity to tell her himself. It will come much easier from him than you for her to hear those words. She deserves the truth in the manner that will hurt the least. This is nothing to hear easily, let him do his own dirty work. If the 2 of you do not end up together, baby is born and wife still knows nothing... then you should tell. Even if you can financially support a baby alone, it deserves a proper paternity on a birth certificate. With that you should get child support as well. Even if just to sink into a college fund. My mm had left his wife 3 months before we found out I was pregnant. I found out a year later that had I not become pregnant, he probably would have tried to go back to her. My situation is totally unlike yours in that manner. Once she found out I was pregnant, she no longer wanted to try to work things out. She was all about making his life miserable. Beware of this. If I could go back and change one thing it would be that I made the decision to plan for my and baby future and not plan for our future as a family. We are together still but it was a very very hard road to travel.. still is. Take care of your baby, and your brain, and your heart. It is what you MUST focus on. Don't try to control the situation by telling people, control yourself and your own future. You never want to feel like the "forced option".... its an even worse feeling than being the OW. --outofthedark thanks for taking the time to reply. I didn't write it on here as it seemed irrelevant, but one of my reasons for being so angry with the MM (maybe for the first time) is that he's always pretended I don't exist, shunned me. But to do it to his child and to me? That is so excruciatingly painful - as if neither of us exists. To everyone else reading this who isn't in this bad of a situation and thinks they cant be let me tell you I was on birth control too and we didn't have frequent encounters either. It can happen even if you take precautions. Your last sentence reminded me of this. Feeling like the OW who isn't worth anything but the second everything damages your self esteem so badly it is pathetic. I'm not the same person I was a year ago but I darn well need to be to be a good mother. I feel like a sell of what I was. I agree with you outofthedark that I need to give him an opportunity to tell her first. My biggest fear in having her know whether from him or from me is that she will stick around, be very angry and take it out on the child. I don't know how to take care of my brain and heart at the same time. I'm not sure any amount of time is going to heal the pain of hearing him say "well what are you going to do?" as if that was even an option just to maintain his own comfort zone. Anyone who thinks they "know" their MM needs only to hear those words and see the devastated look on his face when you tell him - and then you realize you don't know anything about this person at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 meant Shell... I'm not the same person I was a year ago but I darn well need to be to be a good mother. I feel like a sell of what I was.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 being up front makes me bitter then i am ultra bitter --I personally don't mind candor, I just think that before making assumptions about an entire person, you should know the entire person and their circumstances.. some of us come here for genuine counsel and to get the opinions of others who have parented children alone or made mistakes as I have. But regardless we are all on a public forum and we hear what we hear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 I do agree with you about this. When I said she should tell I really meant if he wouldn't. Sorry for not being clear. --I will need to come back to the US and cut this trip short and tell my husband in person this coming week.. how long should I give him to tell her before I do? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 You might consider planning on the date many people wait for to announce their pregnancies...end of the first trimester. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Now I'm not saying this will happen, it probably won't, but are you prepared for your husband possibly deciding he wants to save your marriage once you tell him? That's not an entirely uncommon reaction for a BS. Sometimes they're sincere, sometimes they're just in shock and change their minds later. Just something else to think about (as if you don't have enough already). Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 --I see your point.. I guess it goes to whether Im telling his wife.. because she controls ALL of the finances in that household.. he can't buy a bottle of water without her asking what the charge was. No way he can write a check and have her not realize it. If I'm truly going to do this on my own and not go to the guy for anything, then it seems it might be in the baby's best interest to get him out of there entirely...?? I don't know.. This is clearly NOT true. He spent money on you and manged to hide or excuse it away. I am just pointing out that what your MM says and what is...VERY different. And let's face it...if the M is dead and of convenience as spoken by his children...telling the W will affect nothing...no emotion involved right? See where I'm going... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 hmmmm... what are those assumptions that i made, you to feel uncomfortable....i see none.... Well, your first wrong assumtion is that she is uncomfortable with your postings. As much as anyone I've ever seen on here, she listens and responds without rancor, and as is often suggested on here, you take what works for you and you ignore the rest. In spite of the decisions she made that led her here, I admire her ability to be thoughtful, to listen, to consider, and not act defensive in the face of offensive postings. If I'm truly going to do this on my own and not go to the guy for anything, then it seems it might be in the baby's best interest to get him out of there entirely...?? I don't know... My concern is your comment (I think you said, anyway...) that you wouldn't be able to keep making your mortgage without working this current job. As has been suggested, in spite of talk of nannies, etc., your current job may just not be compatible with raising a child, and certainly not a newborn. So you should take a step back and look at the big picture: what might your life (and your career) look like for the next few years, and might you have to step back a bit career-wise, and if you do, would your child benefit from the financial support we assume is owed by its biological father... --Isnt that the truth...the path of least sucky. There is no "good option" here. I have one very good friend I have confided in about this and she thinks I need to abort it. I don't know why that seems to be option #1 for people.. You know, it's tempting to look at the options and try to find the one that looks like it guarantees you happiness. But in fact, you don't know for sure about what the path is going to be until you travel it - at this point, you only know what the first steps are likely to be. You seem to be a confident and thoughtful person: once you make your choice, don't just resign yourself to it's being "less sucky." Commit yourself to building your life, to building the life of your child, and to the idea that you will make this path a good one. You are not "stuck" travelling a completely predetermined course. You are building the rest of your life, and your family. Accept that this will change your life, and although you didn't expect this, accept that change - even huge change - doesn't automatically mean "sucky". You get to do something - and it sounds like you have the intelligence and the means to do so - that lots of people dream of. Go earn that good fortune by doing your best, and being the best that you can. I'm getting the distinct impression you want to keep this baby. If you choose that path I applaud you. It's a very courageous decision. I'm not a radical pro-lifer or anything like that, but I am a father who thinks you probably won't ever regret giving a child life. As another father, I will agree with this. I was actually pretty ambivalent about kids, and assumed they would take over and "destroy" my life. Well, they did take over and change it forever, but I don't regret it for a minute, and I treasure my family and my life immensely. Don't just resign yourself to jumping on and riding it out. Go make it what you want it to be. Link to post Share on other sites
outofthedark Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 and advice seeking questions to the OW/OM forum. You are more likely to find those that have been in similar situations there that can offer support. Though unintentional (for the most part), you are likely to get a lot of heat here. After all this is for support of those that have been betrayed. This is most likely the area your MM's wife or your husband would go to seeking support! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 I was actually pretty ambivalent about kids, and assumed they would take over and "destroy" my life. Well, they did take over and change it forever, but I don't regret it for a minute, and I treasure my family and my life immensely. No, they destroy the walls (crayons), the carpet (grape juice...what was I thinking?)...broken window (indoor baseball...bad idea)...toilets (one whole roll down...heehee, what fun...for them)...favorite suit (vomit)... ahhh...kids...so giving. And I hope this brings a smile to you...I would undo NONE of it. Being a parent, a single parent too, is the MOST REWARDING experience on earth. You have unknowingly lived all of your days in black and white...and when this child comes...you will see the world in color. Its that WONDERFUL. Right up until they vomit at 3am in your bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted February 5, 2010 Share Posted February 5, 2010 Right up until they vomit at 3am in your bed. You know, this is going to sound INCREDIBLY sappy, I already know it, but it's just that very moment when I feel the most "parental"... I really want them to be independent, to gradually grow into the separate people they will eventually become, with successes and mistakes along the way. But it's that moment when the diaper blows out and there's sticky poop all up their back, or when they barf on you, or when they're sick with the croup and can barely breathe through the coughing - that's the moment when they are so totally fragile and when they just need you to anchor their world and be the parent. I know those are the crazy ones, but those are actually some of the moments that I remember most deeply, and in a weird way, those are the moments when I felt most confident, like I was a complete parent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author girlintwocities Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 You might consider planning on the date many people wait for to announce their pregnancies...end of the first trimester. --Good point.. I assume this is due to miscarriage risk..? Link to post Share on other sites
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