Sent ex a goodbye letter

[HeavenOrHell]

You'll be relieved to hear that after the other evening of talking with my ex about our relationship and saying how I feel about him still (see the Update thread) and hearing that he does fancy other people, that I just sent a lovely email, it was very loving, but it was ultimately saying it is too painful for me to stay friends with him because I still love him, it is too painful for me to see him fall in love with others, therefore I am walking away now.

Eventually the pain of seeing him outweighs the pain of not seeing him.

 

I'm relieved but sad, but I couldn't go on the way I was going.

So much more pain to come but I'm making plans to keep busy etc.

I feel like s*** but I think/hope I will come through this.

I don't regret seeing him up until now, it still feels it was the right thing to do, mostly as I wanted to see if there was a chance to rebuild and put right my neglect.

Anyway, I'm glad I finally made a decision!

[McGrupp]

Good For You.

 

Stay Strong. and dont respond to any response.

[Ronni_W]

Congrats HoH BIG step, for sure. Have you been able to breathe since hitting 'send'? <lol>

As you say, it'll still be an emotional roller coaster ride for a while...but you've put yourself in excellent position for the bloody thing to slow down and eventually stop.

Hugs, and best of luck.

[JaneDoe35]

You have made the right choice HOH. I know it will be very difficult for

 

you - but as time goes by it will get easier.

 

I too have found that the pain of seeing my husband is worse than the

 

pain of no contact. Unfortunately I still have to see him now & then as we

 

have a daughter together. But I have detached.

 

I am sure you don't want to have to listen about his new life, new

 

partners etc. It is just plain stupid that they want 'friendship'. Do they

 

think we are robots with no feelings?

 

If it hurts you to speak to him - don't. Have other distractions

 

ready for when you feel weak.

 

You can do this. If I can, I think anyone can - I thought I was going

 

to be shattered forever. I saw no hope for any kind of future for myself.

 

Sounds melodramatic...you know how it feels though.

 

But if you stick to no contact you will begin to heal. Take care.

 

JDxx

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks everyone. I feel pretty calm at the moment, I think things may possibly be easier to some extent from now on, now I've made the decision. Trying to decide for the last 6 months whether to see him or not has really done my head in!

It made it harder that he didn't want me to move away when I suggested it last week, I thought he would as it would make things easier for us both, and that he looked taken aback when I said not sure if I can be friends anymore. I just felt like saying just let me go for f**** sake, I know you want us to be friends but please just make this easier for me.

But he will respect my wishes now I've told him straight I'm sure of that.

[HeavenOrHell]

And good for you JD for coming through it

[GrayClouds]

Long time in coming. A good first step towards your future. Specially if your expect no, want no responce from the EX.

[HeavenOrHell]

A tiny part of me wishes I would get a response, but I'm sure I won't, well he might just say that's ok and he understands. I've done it because I want to get as far away from him as possible, like you said-I don't want front row seats to see him and his new gf.

 

 

Long time in coming. A good first step towards your future. Specially if your expect no, want no responce from the EX.

[counterman]

Because of your feelings for him, you would naturally want a response. If he felt the same about, he will understand. I am happy for you that you made this difficult position and it is a step forward. Good on you for making plans to keep yourself busy. All the best!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you

 

I'm not sure if I want a response or not to be honest, he texted to say he got my email and would reply later and I thought don't bother, nothing you can say is going to help. I don't want any goodbyes from him, just want to be left alone to heal now.

 

 

Because of your feelings for him, you would naturally want a response. If he felt the same about, he will understand. I am happy for you that you made this difficult position and it is a step forward. Good on you for making plans to keep yourself busy. All the best!

[curiousnycgirl]

HOH I've missed so much! Been crazy with work, I'm sorry I haven't been here.

 

Good for YOU! Time to focus only on YOU. Well done!!!

 

:bunny::bunny::bunny:

[HeavenOrHell]

I got a very sweet reply from him, saying amongst other things that I will always love you though our time as partners is over.

It was a really lovely heartfelt reply.

He said if I ever want to get in touch then please don't hesitate as he would always love to hear from me.

He said can we email each other?

 

What I've never got is why he never gave us another chance when he knew he had been so so wrong in thinking I didn't love or need him. He still says that is the only reason he left. Wtf?! I said to him last week can you see how frustrating it is that I STILL love you and you were so wrong about it, and he said yes he could see how frustrating it is.

I don't understand why it's been irreversible, for want of a better word.

[HeavenOrHell]

Horribly lonely.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't know whether to say we can stay in touch by email or not

[Hersheys]

I don't know whether to say we can stay in touch by email or not

 

Don't reply or send another e-mail. Stay NC from now on. Make good with what you wrote in the letter, disappear in his life for you to heal. He won't believe what you wrote if you contact him again.

[JaneDoe35]

Hi HOH, whatever you do - DO NOT respond to him at all. Not even to tell him that you wont be communicating by email.

 

Please try to go NC with him. If you can do it you will not regret it. My husband says all that stuff about 'always loving' me etc. I don't want to hear it as his behaviour does not demonstrate love in my opinion.

 

I know you are lonely - but if you can detach from him completely you will begin to enjoy your own company. I know it must sound to you like I am speaking a foreign language! I would never have believed it myself. But now I am concentrating on any positives I can find, no matter how small and I am beginning to know myself.

 

Take care.

 

JDx

[mickleb]

Hang in there, Heaven.

 

You have been very strong with your actions. Do not weaken.

 

The more I hear about your ex's behaviour, the angrier I feel towards him. He has shown you no respect by suggesting you continue to email, just selfishness that he desires your support of him in some way, still.

 

This is not loving and is certainly not love.

 

It sounds to me as though he had checked out of your marriage a long time before he left. He commented that he expected you would be over it in a couple of weeks and appears to have done this, himself. How else is this possible? He has not been telling you the 'whole truth' for some time now. He may feel he is doing this to lessen your suffering but he is merely attending to his own.

 

He may have been a truly wonderful partner, for many years but he certainly hasn't dealt well with leaving you. He has continued to string you along, seemingly oblivious to you pain, certainly unwilling to accept his responsiblity for prolonging it.

 

Honour your words - to yourself - of knowing the pain of seeing, and hearing, him get on with his life is TOO painful.

 

Be strong now. You must be.

 

Take care. We're here.

 

x

Edited February 7, 2010 by mickleb

[GrayClouds]

 

What I've never got is why he never gave us another chance when he knew he had been so so wrong in thinking I didn't love or need him. He still says that is the only reason he left.

 

 

Just this answer alone he left shows how selfish and full of $hit he is and it should anger the hell of you. Making this statement he gets to walk away without taking any responsibility and feeling like the victim:

 

Poor him, he was not needed so now he has to go out in the big world and find someone to need him but being the guy he is he will let you be his friend because he is not holding a grudge.

 

As they say in the midwest of the USA; HOG WASH! He placing the whole failure of the relationship at your feet. You been around here long enought to know it is never that simple. What about is inability to communicate is problems, what about his weakiness not to try, or his lack of imagination to find purpose in the relationship.

 

 

Yes what mackleb said, read it again.

[HeavenOrHell]

He's always said don't blame yourself but still gives the neglect as the only reason for the break up, didn't feel loved and needed anymore, he asks why I got so busy in the first place and that maybe there were already cracks which is why I become so obsessed with bird care, I don't know, I cant answer that one, but I do know we were special together and no way did I want to lose him.

I also think he might be deluding himself and that there must be other reasons he left.

I am angry knowing he fancies my ex mate and 'others'. Bloody angry he gave up on us after all that time, when we had something so special.

He did wave a load of red flags in my face 2 or 3 years until he left, although he said he could have made more of a fuss that he wasn't happy.

He went for relationship counselling as he wanted us to be ok.

Ultimately I think he left so he could be with this ex friend of mine, although I'm not sure as as far as he knew she was still gay and attached and he wouldn't go near anyone who is attached. What I don't get though is that last year he told me he didn't fancy her anymore (he used to fancy her years ago) even said to me that he'd said to her he used to fancy her but wanted to lay it to rest as it was in the past, and now he says he always has fancied her. Well now she's single and not gay, so my nightmare is coming true.

So I guess the self centred bitch won and I am in fact second best.

I feel relief at going NC but am really low and f***** lonely, especially knowing he has her to turn to and I'm here alone.

 

Just this answer alone he left shows how selfish and full of $hit he is and it should anger the hell of you. Making this statement he gets to walk away without taking any responsibility and feeling like the victim:

 

Poor him, he was not needed so now he has to go out in the big world and find someone to need him but being the guy he is he will let you be his friend because he is not holding a grudge.

 

As they say in the midwest of the USA; HOG WASH! He placing the whole failure of the relationship at your feet. You been around here long enought to know it is never that simple. What about is inability to communicate is problems, what about his weakiness not to try, or his lack of imagination to find purpose in the relationship.

 

 

Yes what mackleb said, read it again.

[GrayClouds]

So I guess the self centred bitch won and I am in fact second best.

I feel relief at going NC but am really low and f***** lonely, especially knowing he has her to turn to and I'm here alone.

 

If shde won then he lost because if she is self centered she too will not need him. He will be back to not being needed. He too will soon be alone.

 

The whole need thing is just a convenient excuse. If he is persueing her then it is about being bored and looking for excitement. It about wanting to feel like it is new. Good luck but new does not last very long, as soon as there is a ding in the paint, new becomes old.

 

HoH take the guy off the pedestal.

[jlr]

Wow, HOH, our situations sound so similar.

 

My ex says the same, not to blame myself, but basically says I didn't show her that I loved her enough, she didn't "feel" that I did. She felt neglected and underappreciated.

 

Of course, she was wrong. I loved her immensely. I appreciated her so much. And while maybe I wasn't telling or showing her it 500 times a day or giving her attention every second, I certainly know that I tried to show her it constantly. Half the time she didn't even notice it - I wrote her songs, left her little notes, etc.

 

I think it would never have been enough. She had an image of what she wanted me to be or how she wanted me to love her, and she kept raising the bar on me.

 

She's immature. She's always looking for the next thing. She's never happy, always wants it to be better, bigger, exciting. She doesn't understand that everything new gets old. That love is about what you do AFTER all the newness is gone.

 

Hershey's comment on responding to the letter was right: "He won't believe what you wrote if you contact him again."

 

Trust me, I've been there. I did the same thing you did, wrote a similar letter. After a few weeks, she popped up, wanting to discuss it, wanting to be able to be in touch, be friends. It didn't work. There's too many feelings between us. And after letting her back in my life, she took advantage of it. And she knew everything I said in the letter - a letter that said it's too hard to be friends, i love you to much, and i need to love myself enough to stop hurting myself over this - went out the window. My dignity was shot.

 

In the end, she couldn't handle us being friends either, but framed it all on me, saying it's because I have feelings. Once again, it was my fault. Funny since I wrote her a letter saying that, and she insisted on still talking.

 

You need to stay NC. For you. You need to heal from this completely before you can even think of talking to him. And probably by then, you won't want to.

[micka]

HEAVEN-i am going thorugh this right now and I want to write a letter to my ex, however I am not very good at letters but putting my feelings down on paper, do you have any words of wisdom, is the letter that you sent your ex on the thread or forum, can people read it....

[GrayClouds]

HEAVEN-i am going thorugh this right now and I want to write a letter to my ex, however I am not very good at letters but putting my feelings down on paper, do you have any words of wisdom, is the letter that you sent your ex on the thread or forum, can people read it....

 

Do not do it, read the following:

 

The No Contact Guide

So you want a second chance?