Too much, too soon? Thoughts please...

[reservoirdog1]

My back story is available for those who want to read it; it's a doozy.

 

Anyway, I moved out of the marital home on November 1. In the latter half of November, TBEW and I spent about a week talking reconciliation on a purely exploratory basis. That effort ended when I finally got from her an explanation as to what the problem had been in the marriage, and it was finally clear that it never could have worked and that it never can.

 

In the first 2.5 weeks after I moved out, I had a fling with a woman I'd known for a number of years on a platonic basis. There was no expectation of a relationship or of anything serious (because I told her at the outset that I couldn't have one, and in any case I wasn't interested in the idea of a relationship with her); it was pretty much "friends with benefits." I curtailed it after a few weeks.

 

Anyway, I've been dating another woman for the last two weeks. She knows my story, she knows that I'm older than her (she's 25, I'm 31), that I have two kids (whom she really likes, and who like her), and that I'm technically still married and will be till November of this year (though she also knows that the marriage is dead -- this is just the way divorce works in Canada).

 

She and I have seen each other every day for the last 10 days. She's a wonderful girl, fun, easy to talk to, and unlike TBEW in many ways (though I didn't go looking for somebody like that... it just happened that way). We've kissed and cuddled but haven't slept together. In fact, she's a virgin (by choice up to this point).

 

Anyway, my big concern (and hers too -- we talked about this last night) is, whether or not this is just another rebound relationship. I'm concerned about this because I like her a lot but I don't want to hurt her. Needless to say, she doesn't want that either. I told her last night that I'm not looking for a new life partner right now, or looking to get married again in the next year or so, but obviously there's a broad spectrum of possibility between "new life partner" and not dating at all.

 

Neither of us has dated anybody else since we started dating each other a few weeks ago. My parents think this is whole thing is a really bad idea, because of the risk of her getting hurt. They think it's too soon, that I should avoid committing myself to anybody for the time being and that I should get out and date lots of different people first.

 

So, I'm in the midst of a struggle between what I want and how I feel on one hand, and what intellectually makes a lot of sense on the other. They don't call it "conventional wisdom" for nothing, and I know it's really soon after ending an 11-year relationship (7 of them married). I don't "feel" like this is a rebound relationship, I guess because we're taking physical intimacy pretty slow, but then, who knows what a rebound relationship feels like? She and I have talked about how the idea of "attachment" to each other is starting to creep in (though how could it not, after seeing each other every day for the last 10?). I don't find myself champing at the bit to get out and date a bunch of other people; I like this girl.

 

I know that nobody can make the decision for me. What I'd really appreciate is some words of wisdom from other people who have gone through something similar. Did it work out? Do all the likely scenarios in my situation lead to her getting hurt? Any advice or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

[sarah12]

reservoirdog1 - maybe we can help each other figure this thing out.

 

I have never been married, but a guy I recently dated was in a serious relationship for about 5-6 years before he met me. We happened to meet soon after his break up with the ex (he broke it off with her, did not want the ex back, didn't love her anymore) and a couple of months later (about 2 months I believe), we started dating. At the outset, I did not know about the ex and how she still loved him and could not let go. However, I found out soon enough, unfortunately the hard way. She saw us together and got very upset and there started the 'baggage' to our relationship. My now ex started to feel very guilty about dating me because although he wasn't in love with his ex anymore, he still cared a lot about her because she was a big part of his life - 5 years at age 22 is quite significant. This really hurt me because by this time, we had fallen so hard for each other - not in love - but we cared so much for each other and really enjoyed spending time together. I have had my share of dating the past few years and I can tell you, I have never been with a guy like him before.

 

When I read your post, I can totally relate to the feelings you have developed for her so quickly, and even more, the things you have said are everything my ex was going through when we were together. When I brought up the 'rebound' relationship thing, we were both confused because we knew we had true feelings for each other, and he also said he wouldn't know what a rebound would feel like. He also struggled between what the 'right' thing to do was and what he wanted to do. It was extremely frustrating for him, and I could see the frustrations developing over time. We always had such extreme emotions - either highs or lows when his ex would come in the picture. Eventually, we broke up after a short period of dating. It hurt us both tremendously, but he felt it was necessary to take some time for himself in the end, to sort out his feelings. He knew this hurt me, and I was and still am hurt, but I also realize and understand that he does need to take time.

 

I think this is the same case for you. I know that you care for this woman deeply and that you really like her, but I think that if you don't take your time now, these struggles you are having will resurface later, and at that time it will be even harder and will hurt the both of you even more. If you are not in a rush for anything, i.e. marriage to have more kids, etc., then there is no rush in this world. Take your time, and if have faith, then she will be around.

 

Did it work out? Do all the likely scenarios in my situation lead to her getting hurt?

In my case, we both know that we have strong feelings for each other and we have not made any promises for the future, nor have we discussed the future. He is off in another country for 4 months and has said he is not looking for anything - he really needs a break from the dating. He told me that he thinks about me everyday and what has happened between us and is very sad about how things have ended. But he'll be back in 4 months and I'm hoping that maybe we can see how things go then. For now, I am trying to not get my hopes up and am okay letting him go because I understand it must be very difficult for him. I care for him a lot, even as a friend, and I know that this is the best thing for both of us. There was too much drama going on and I don't need that in my life right now - as someone on here said to me when I was going through this - it's better to pursue things when both of us have open hearts.