She thinks I'm hiding "something"

[dziewulskirad]

So, I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 months. It has been an incredible relationship for the most part and I have never felt more in love. I met her just a few months out of a marriage, my ex cheated on me but only after being just a controlling bitch. That was a very unequal relationship.

 

When I met my girlfriend I had written down what I was looking for about a month before, not believing these criteria would fall in my lap. Like me she reads philosophical and spiritual literature, she choses not to have a TV, she enjoys wine, the sex was incredible- really connected. She has a son from an earlier marriage. Her son is wonderful. Since we met she has sworn that she loves me no matter what my financial situation is and everything has been great until the recent past.

 

I am a 28 year old owner of a software company and have a bit of stress. She says that she thinks I have been keeping a secret from her, that she just feels it. I told her that once many months ago I went to a strip club with a friend where we spent 9 dollars- he got a lap dance (ya, it was that kind of place), then we left. I also told her that I have flirted with girls while out with the guys. These are the only things that I have done that I didn't tell her about, but didn't feel they were a big deal and they weren't when I told her. I spend every night with her. I work from her home many days a week. I never go unaccounted for. I read stories to her son as he goes to sleep.

 

In the beginning of January she started school; the same time I realized that my company may be going under (This month no one got paid). I of course have been extremely stressed about this. She has been wrapped up in school going back at age 30, working managing a wine bar, and taking care of her son. We have been stressed. She also began taking adderal daily when she went back to school.

 

She has seemed very cold toward me in the past few months. I have been very stressed and not myself (I am normally very positive and upbeat, believing anything is possible). A couple of nights ago I didn't get to her house until 1:30. With everything falling apart financially and feeling self-pity I didn't want to come to her house and feel the coldness and the distance. After everything we have been through it is painful. In my self-pity, I went out drinking with my phone off. She called my sales guy, my best friend here and he had no idea where I was. I flirted while I was out and met drinking folks that thought I hung the moon. When I spoke to her at 1:30 am, she said she had called the hospitals and police and that she was worried. I understand that. She didn't get mad. I wasn't doing anything "wrong." I was disrespectful and adolescent in my behavior, but that is it. She said she halfway believed me.

 

Today she explains that for a long time she has felt that I was hiding something from her.

 

She sites strange things, that are a stretch for the imagination to me. A girl that is friends with my friends in was a total bitch to me whenever we hung out (all of us). I came to my girlfriend's house and went on about it. This happened twice. She got mad that I was talking about the other girl so much and didn't think it should matter to me. I feel that if it was a guy doing the same thing that was close friends with my friends, I would feel the same way. I don't normally talk to my ex in front of her. Our conversations occur, maybe once every two months. Due to my financial situation I can't refinance the house or my second car which was upside down, so my ex is constantly on my ass about that stuff 'cause it is in both our names. She thinks there is something going on there. I don't tell my parents I smoke and I didn't tell them about her right away (fresh out of a divorce) and she thinks that is part of it. I have been late getting to her house before because I have grabbed a drink after work. But before a couple of nights ago it has been just an hour or so and I have never been out of communication (don't always proactively communicate, but I always respond)

 

I don't know what to do. I think my gf is being crazy, but I love her. I don't know what to say. Part of me thinks I should leave because she is being so crazy and part of me doesn't ever want to leave the best thing I ever had and part of me wants to just tell her something so we can move on. She says she loves me and we can get through whatever it is. I feel hurt that she thinks the things she apparently thinks about me. I have faults and I'm not perfect in the relationship, but I respect her and love her more than I could imagine I would love. I just need insight.

 

Thanks

[mansquito]

How long was the marriage?

 

Did you date anybody else before you met your girlfriend?

 

You've probably heard this before, but a "few months" is probably WAY too soon to start seriously seeing somebody after getting out of an abusive, controlling relationship. Especially if the new relationship quickly develops into the type where you're spending every night at each other's places.

 

The last thing you need after the domineering and betrayal by your ex is to get right back under somebody else's thumb. I've been there, and while it may fit our comfort zone as recently divorced folks to be back in a marriage-like arrangement, it's really not a healthy way to live.

 

If I were you, I'd pull back a little bit. Cut down on the number of nights you spend with her. A little independence is a good thing, and if she flips out about it, well, tough for her. She's not your wife.

[Miad's Princess]

Your gf is justified in her feelings, how would you like it if she was out till the early hours flirting with other guys while her cell is switched off? Not very nice I suspect.

[AsTearsGoBy]

This is very touchy. In my shoes I wouldn't put up with my SO having contact with his ex in the way you are having it plus dealing with you pulling away from the relationship. Going to a strip club is really not going to help matters. You are not yet married, break off this relationship, let her go find happiness and you can fulfill whatever you are looking for. Please let her go though. Best of luck to you!!