How an Emotionally Neglectful Childhood Can Leave Someone Vulnerable for an Affair

[Devil Inside]

Woah, woah!!!! Dude. Sounds to me like you are expecting your wife to fix you. Your wife cannot fix you, she can only support you. YOU have to fix YOU.

 

Good insight into yourself. If your wife stays with you then you are a very lucky man.

 

Good luck to you mate.

 

I do tend to count on external validation too much...point taken. I am hoping one of the first steps towards self validation is to be mindful of when I am doing this...thanks for pointing this out.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks for sharing all of that DI. My exAP had a childhood where his mother rejected him. I can't imagine. He is mistrustful and seems to be looking for approval and love from a woman. Perhaps it's why he tends to pick older women as I was 14 years older than him.

 

Hmmm...seems somebody has some mommy issues perhaps.

 

 

You've made me reflect as I wonder what is going on with me. I'm the youngest of 14 (that alone may have effected me in some way) and grew up in a very happy family.

 

I have wondered -- and thank you for the preface of your post about excuses -- if my brother dying three weeks before I married messed me up in some way. Again, definitely not saying that caused the problems in my marriage or my affair. I really think, however, our perception and reaction to past events effects us greatly. If we were all bastions of strength we could choose how it effects us (theoretically), but that's easier said than done.

 

It's true. I wonder if part of what led to you getting married to who you did when you did was a result of the grief you were suffering. Maybe he was there for you when you needed him, but later you realized he was not the one to make you happy.

 

I know I married my W in large part because she was pregnant with our unborn daughter.

 

 

I do agree with Jeff -- we have to be happy within ourselves and not expect someone else to make us happy.

 

This seems to be a theme. It is one of my major goals in therapy...along with working on numerous other character flaws and emotionally afflictions.

[Devil Inside]

 

So many look to externals to do the fixing: career, success, money, status, relationships, and then wonder why they are STILL not fulfilled, still not happy.

 

 

I've done them all. However, no matter how much I have accomplished I am still empty.

[Devil Inside]

Is this a really objective assessment? I recall that she sought out and had numerous EA's and a PA. Arguably, she had more energy available that she could have poured into your realtionship, and it went elsewhere. Also, I think it's hard to remove her infidelity as an influence to your decision to have an affair. I'm not blaming her, but I supect her transgressions played a role, however slight.

 

Thanks for playing the devil's advocate. I see your points...and yes she could have poured more into the M too. Her transgressions did play a role in my A...sure. However...she went to IC and really worked through the reasons she did what she did, and to be fair, I was not a very good H early on. My IC thinks I resented having to marry her (a cognitive distortion) and this left me shut down and cold. She was depressed and turned to those that gave her attention. Infidelity aside, she is much more emotionally healthy than I am.

[Devil Inside]

If I recall DI's story correctly, he was unaware of his W's infidelities when he began his affair.

I believe that revelation came after he confessed to his A.

 

So his was not a revenge A, although, if his W was emotionally absent due to her involvement elsewhere, that could have very well influenced his looking elsewhere for his emotional needs.

 

It gets confusing with my story. So this is how it happened. She has more than one EA and a one night PA before I had my long term A.

 

I knew about one of the EAs before my A, just not the extent. After I had my A, I found out about the PA...I confronted her and confessed my A at the same time. She then confessed the other EAs. Good times huh?

[Devil Inside]

My childhood was pretty much as hellish as you can get yet I have never cheated on a woman.

 

Let me say this...everybody is influenced by their childhood. The manifestations of the past are not all displayed the same way. Vulnerability to infidelity was a result of my need for enormous amounts of affection coupled by my inability to ask for it (and not feeling I deserved it).

 

I am sure your issues from childhood have manifested in some other ways. If you really think about you know what I am talking about. Also, some are resilient, and they are able to overcome the emotional scares of childhood.

[Devil Inside]

Reading this thread has prompted a few questions, actually something I've always wondered about. I apologize if I'm derailing. It's been said so many times in so many places and this thread also, that we must make ourselves happy. Care to expand on that anyone?

 

For me this points to the idea that to truly be happy we must be able to validate ourselves. We must be able to know that we are people worthy of love and affection. I think it comes up a lot in these forums because when one does not inherently believe this they often end up in dysfunctional relationship in order to have someone else validate they are worthy of love. It's the whole "I must be worth something because you love me" thing. This can be unhealthy because you may be in relationships that are just not healthy, or you may have no boundaries in your relationships because you fear abandonment and will avoid it at all costs.

 

 

 

I reacted to this too. Of course we need to have an inner sense of self-worth and self-esteem, but we are human beings, and as such we have a need for relationships with other human beings. It is only natural to desire to have a partner with whom you can share life and love and sex.

 

Having a desire to be with someone else and being happy with yourself are two different things. I think that all people want to share their lives with others. I think what is being referred to is the ability to be happy with yourself, even if you are not with someone else.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks for your honesty, DI - I found your post very courageous. I'll post a more considered response later.

 

I'll be waiting...don't disappoint me.

[Devil Inside]

About halfway through my first marriage and upon finding a letter to my husband from one of his coworkers that proved he was cheating again, I almost did the same in revenge. His alcoholism, the problems that created had caused me to no longer enjoy sex with him. When I wouldn't want to have sex, I'd get accused of cheating so I usually just went ahead with sex anyway despite having no interest.

I approached a male friend to, I guess exact my revenge by sleeping with another. As soon as I told him what I wanted, I regretted it. It just felt so wrong and I immediately told him I couldn't follow through with it. It just isn't in my character to cheat even in a bad relationship. Even with the childhood experiences one might think would make someone more likely to cheat. Even with a lack of sexual satisfaction for myself.

I carried on for another 3 years until I became aware of yet another coworker of my husband carrying on with him at a new job. He left our marriage to move into the house of "One of the guys from work". After he left I learned the guy was the new girl's brother and she lived there too.

He tried to come back a month later but I had dealt with enough from him and wanted to get through the year apart requirement needed to file separation.

 

You are a strong person S4S. I admire that you turned down the male colleague. I also admire that you had your limits and left your first H. The good thing is, you can always say you didn't have to do what he did.

 

You were the bigger person.

[Snowflower]

Let me say this...everybody is influenced by their childhood. The manifestations of the past are not all displayed the same way. Vulnerability to infidelity was a result of my need for enormous amounts of affection coupled by my inability to ask for it (and not feeling I deserved it).

 

Thanks for starting this thread, DI.

 

Prior to the aftermath of my H's affair, I would have been the type of person that you asked not to reply in your initial posts. Childhood trauma, yeah right, likely excuse, yada yada.

 

But yes, the short story of my husband's background I think was one of the causative factors in his poor coping skills which led him to have an affair. My H clearly has abandonment issues, and had a neglectful mother...I think this had to have had something to do with his poor decision.

 

After d-day (and I think even when his affair was still going), I think my husband had no idea why he was doing/had done what he did.

 

OTOH, looking at myself...I had a great opposite sex parent (father) whom I could always trust no matter what. So thinking about this thread, I wonder if it was my positive model of a dad which led me to be able to believe in my H enough to give him another chance. After all, not all men have let me down even if my H did...my dad did not.

 

Just rambling here but this thread got me to thinking about this.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks for starting this thread, DI.

 

Prior to the aftermath of my H's affair, I would have been the type of person that you asked not to reply in your initial posts. Childhood trauma, yeah right, likely excuse, yada yada.

 

But yes, the short story of my husband's background I think was one of the causative factors in his poor coping skills which led him to have an affair. My H clearly has abandonment issues, and had a neglectful mother...I think this had to have had something to do with his poor decision.

 

After d-day (and I think even when his affair was still going), I think my husband had no idea why he was doing/had done what he did.

 

OTOH, looking at myself...I had a great opposite sex parent (father) whom I could always trust no matter what. So thinking about this thread, I wonder if it was my positive model of a dad which led me to be able to believe in my H enough to give him another chance. After all, not all men have let me down even if my H did...my dad did not.

 

Just rambling here but this thread got me to thinking about this.

 

 

I am glad you got something from this SF. You are definitely one of my favorite people to read here because you have such a huge capacity for love and forgiveness. Your H is a lucky man, and it seems he realized that just in time.

 

I agree that having a loving an nurturing opposite sex parent is a hugely positive factor in being healthy in your relationships. My mother was not someone that I could count on. I wanted her love so badly, but she could not give it to me. I know she did the best she could, but it left me feeling unworthy of love in so many ways.

 

Can I ask..how is your H doing now? What does he say was helpful for him?

[Snowflower]

I am glad you got something from this SF. You are definitely one of my favorite people to read here because you have such a huge capacity for love and forgiveness. Your H is a lucky man, and it seems he realized that just in time.

 

I agree that having a loving an nurturing opposite sex parent is a hugely positive factor in being healthy in your relationships. My mother was not someone that I could count on. I wanted her love so badly, but she could not give it to me. I know she did the best she could, but it left me feeling unworthy of love in so many ways.

 

Can I ask..how is your H doing now? What does he say was helpful for him?

 

Thanks, DI. But honestly, forgiving my H is simply the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm still not there yet...I've learned that for me forgiveness is a process and that I have to forgive my H over and over again.

 

My H is having a difficult time right now, to be honest. He is battling depression related to some subsequent events in his life since the A. I believe he deep down despises himself for having an A which adds to his depression.

 

When we were in MC, the therapist helped my H see that I had been the one person in his life who had consistently been there for him, since his parents (for various reasons) were not always there. This was a huge epiphany for my H. Like I said, he has abandonment issues, which are evident in his behaviors/attitudes even now.

[Woggle]

Let me say this...everybody is influenced by their childhood. The manifestations of the past are not all displayed the same way. Vulnerability to infidelity was a result of my need for enormous amounts of affection coupled by my inability to ask for it (and not feeling I deserved it).

 

I am sure your issues from childhood have manifested in some other ways. If you really think about you know what I am talking about. Also, some are resilient, and they are able to overcome the emotional scares of childhood.

 

It certainly did affect me but I don't believe in betrayel and going behind a person's back.

[Devil Inside]

Thanks, DI. But honestly, forgiving my H is simply the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm still not there yet...I've learned that for me forgiveness is a process and that I have to forgive my H over and over again.

 

My H is having a difficult time right now, to be honest. He is battling depression related to some subsequent events in his life since the A. I believe he deep down despises himself for having an A which adds to his depression.

 

When we were in MC, the therapist helped my H see that I had been the one person in his life who had consistently been there for him, since his parents (for various reasons) were not always there. This was a huge epiphany for my H. Like I said, he has abandonment issues, which are evident in his behaviors/attitudes even now.

 

Wow SF...he does sound so much like me...it is really scary. You sure you're not my W?

 

I hope you both find peace, love, happiness, and serenity. It is not easy to be in love with a tortured soul, ask my W.

[Devil Inside]

It certainly did affect me but I don't believe in betrayel and going behind a person's back.

 

I tip my hat to you sir...loyalty is a wonderfully admirably characteristic.

[wheelwright]

Interesting thread DI, with some very honest self-reflection.

 

I shut myself off from my parents in childhood - I could see quite young that they were not capable of giving either the love or attention I would have liked - or needed. And they were emotionally abusive.

 

I had a great circle of friends as a teenager, who had similarly disfunctional childhoods, and we became family to one another. I learned the pleasures of connecting with people in deep and rewarding ways.

 

However, I clearly had issues where I felt I could not really be loved, or appreciated. And xMOM was the first who made me feel those things - though as a friend pointed out, it was not a healthy relationship due to the infidelity, so I was still not giving myself the right things.

 

One of the upsetting things about these unresolved issues as we begin to resolve them later in life, is that we have already made some big commitments by the time we are able to realise they may have not been based on a true reflection of our needs.

 

This means I don't really know if I had an A (partly) because I needed to fill a void there from childhood, but I could sort out my issues in my M if I resolve the childhood issues now.

 

Or if I married someone who wasn't right for me because of these issues, and so naturally had an A.

 

And then of course there are the issues of all the other people involved...

 

I think some of the other posters may be right when they say you should think about your W's part in all this. You are such a kind person, and very quick to back down and see yourself in the wrong. I know if my M is to work out, it will be both of us who address all the combined baggage.

[OFGnomore]

Thanks, DI. But honestly, forgiving my H is simply the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm still not there yet...I've learned that for me forgiveness is a process and that I have to forgive my H over and over again.

 

My H is having a difficult time right now, to be honest. He is battling depression related to some subsequent events in his life since the A. I believe he deep down despises himself for having an A which adds to his depression.

 

When we were in MC, the therapist helped my H see that I had been the one person in his life who had consistently been there for him, since his parents (for various reasons) were not always there. This was a huge epiphany for my H. Like I said, he has abandonment issues, which are evident in his behaviors/attitudes even now.

 

Yes SN, this stuff stays with you and it's no excuse for cheating. I for one can personally say I struggle often with the void in my life. The problem becomes, did I chose my H when I was out of touch with that part to fill it. If I heal, is my H still appropriate for me? These are really big questions to be answered, through IC and OUTSIDE of an affair (which is just escapism from that reality IMO). A wise person once said to me, you may need that new car, spouse, address after you heal yourself first. So in my opinion those, both WSs and BSs who really have the courage to face themselves, their partners, and their marriages, and not just settle going through the motions for life will have to answer these questions.

[OFGnomore]

 

One of the upsetting things about these unresolved issues as we begin to resolve them later in life, is that we have already made some big commitments by the time we are able to realise they may have not been based on a true reflection of our needs.

 

This means I don't really know if I had an A (partly) because I needed to fill a void there from childhood, but I could sort out my issues in my M if I resolve the childhood issues now.

 

Or if I married someone who wasn't right for me because of these issues, and so naturally had an A.

 

And then of course there are the issues of all the other people involved...

 

Yep, and I think this is why people who either don't deal with their stuff or decide they've have too many commitments to change their circumstances, go on to affair 2, 3, 4 , 5 , 6....etc.

[Samantha0905]

Hmmm...seems somebody has some mommy issues perhaps.

 

Definitely and he would be the first to say it. Unfortunately, he won't get help for it and instead seems to use it as an excuse for bad behavior on his part.

 

 

It's true. I wonder if part of what led to you getting married to who you did when you did was a result of the grief you were suffering. Maybe he was there for you when you needed him, but later you realized he was not the one to make you happy.

 

 

I was definitely doing things in a numb state at the time of my wedding. My brothers death hit me about six months later. We were really good friends.

 

I think I was too young to get married. Maybe. Or maybe I knew I wasn't completely in love and was just doing what I thought was the natural progression of things after dating six years.

 

When we got engaged -- even when I was saying yes to the ring in the restaurant -- in my head I was thinking, "Whoa."

 

I gave the ring back after two weeks telling him I just wasn't ready to be married. I had only dated him and I wondered if I shouldn't date more people before making such a huge decision.

 

He went away to summer camp (as a counselor) after I broke the engagement. He started writing me letters telling me about the camp nurse all the time. He wanted me to be jealous and it worked very well. I thought I might lose him all together, so I finally wrote him and told him I wanted to be engaged again. I was so insecure back then I was thinking he was a great catch and I'd be crazy to pass him up.

 

The nurse showed up at our wedding. My husband laughed later saying she was what they called a "10 weeker" at camp. The meaning was you would have to be at camp for 10 weeks before you found her attractive. Camp was eight weeks long. Now before y'all start thinking my husband is a rude man, he was really young and would never say stuff like that now. He just hung out with those boys in high school/college who thought it appropriate to hold up score cards on the beach and the like.

 

The nurse seemed very sweet, by the way.

 

Another thing I remember is my sister telling me after the fact she was surprised I married my husband because she didn't think I was in love with him. We should have had that talk earlier. Not blaming her, of course.

 

Presently I feel like I love my husband very much as a person. He's a good man. I just don't feel I have an intimate relationship with him nor am I sexually attracted to him.

[Spark1111]

Love this thread....and if it's ok with DI, throwing out another nugget for thought and comments.

 

The IMAGO therapy originated by Dr. Hendrix claims we fall in love with a more improved version of the parent we had the least successful relationship with in childhood.

 

Why?

 

Because we are trying to heal those old wounds, and if we do not know what we are doing, (who does?!) we bring a level of neediness to the marital or "love" relationship that we bring to no other in our lives.

 

Our expectations of now receiving love and validation from our partner, which we did not receive in our childhood, are HUGE and possibly unfair, and sets the relationship up for a dynamic to.....fail.

 

Thoughts, DI?? Anyone?

[jennie-jennie]

Love this thread....and if it's ok with DI, throwing out another nugget for thought and comments.

 

The IMAGO therapy originated by Dr. Hendrix claims we fall in love with a more improved version of the parent we had the least successful relationship with in childhood.

 

Why?

 

Because we are trying to heal those old wounds, and if we do not know what we are doing, (who does?!) we bring a level of neediness to the marital or "love" relationship that we bring to no other in our lives.

 

Our expectations of now receiving love and validation from our partner, which we did not receive in our childhood, are HUGE and possibly unfair, and sets the relationship up for a dynamic to.....fail.

 

Thoughts, DI?? Anyone?

 

My exSO certainly had characteristics of an improved version of my mother, whom I had/have a pretty bad relationship to. She has traits of a narcissist in my opinion, and is obsessive/compulsive.

 

My MM would instead be an improved version of my father, who was the loving, caring man of my childhood, the parent who made me feel loved all the time, but also turned to me for help in dealing with my mother. I read this type of father/daughter relationship is typical for the other woman. She is already used to competing for attention from the man she loves (with her mother in childhood), and typically has also had a bad relationship with the same sex parent.

[crazycatlady]

Spark - I hope that's not true that would mean I'm the improved version of his mother.

 

I have been thinking about about this and see H in a lot of this. Once his brother was born due to his issues H was pretty much left alone. His parent dote on his brother and H can do nothing right. He also learned conflict avoidance and to blame everyone else for their problems.

 

I on the other hand learned to take too much of the blame for myself for issues, and also conflict avoidance.

 

I was having an interesting talk with my mom the other day. I was frustrated because H was having an extremely bad weekend. I mean if it could go wrong it went wrong. When he gets so frustrated he vents. His venting is always short term, and he gets over it quickly. But at the same time, it really hurts my feelings. He will say everyone is out to get him and that everything in his life sucks. And on in that vein of it. Just one huge pity party. And this happens every time something goes against him. And has for always. It really bothers me when he does this. It makes me feel like me and the kids are just one more thing he has to deal with and we aren't worth anything but a burdon to him. Now logically I know he doesn't mean us (usually ). But hearing it hurts me. A lot. I have a very difficult time (try impossible) telling him that it hurts. I don't want to bring it up when things are good, and I'm afraid to bring it up when he's in the middle of his pity party.

 

So my mom was saying one day this is going to get to much for you and you are going to leave him. I was like that's not fair to him because I never told him how much it hurts me. She said that doesn't mean I should have to take his **** when he's feeling like that. And we kept going on and on around in circles. So I know I need to sit down with him some time when he's not feeling like this, and let him know really really know how much it hurts my feelings when he does this. And I know that I'm overly sensitive, and that's my from background from feeling not wanting though I always "knew" I was I didn't always "feel" it.

 

Anyway this has been interesting to read.

 

CCL

[OWoman]

The IMAGO therapy originated by Dr. Hendrix claims we fall in love with a more improved version of the parent we had the least successful relationship with in childhood.

 

I am very pleased to say that this is not remotely the case in my M! My H bears not the slightest resemblance to my mother, and only the most cursory superficial resemblance to my father. But then, at this stage of my life, if I was still acting out childhood issues in a naive, uncomprehending way I'd be in real trouble...

 

I read this type of father/daughter relationship is typical for the other woman. She is already used to competing for attention from the man she loves (with her mother in childhood), and typically has also had a bad relationship with the same sex parent.

 

Interesting theory... I certainly had - and have - a better R with my father, and with his W, than with my mother. But I can't say I ever felt I was competing (with my mother) for my father's attention - OTC, their R was so bad I was begging them to D. (Nor did I ever feel I was competing with my H's xW, during the A...) I wonder how this theory would resonate with other OWs - perhaps, Jen, you could start a thread on it in the OW forum?

[OWoman]

Spark - I hope that's not true that would mean I'm the improved version of his mother.

 

I wouldn't mind being an "improved version" of my H's father - I was very close to him, and was very happy to have been able to help the two of them reestablish closeness before his father died. I'm sure there are points of similarity but I've always thought his father was very like my own - only I was more tolerant of certain behaviours in his father than I was in my own, because of the greater emotional distance, I guess.

[Gabriele]

Thanks for starting this thread, DI.

 

Prior to the aftermath of my H's affair, I would have been the type of person that you asked not to reply in your initial posts. Childhood trauma, yeah right, likely excuse, yada yada.

 

But yes, the short story of my husband's background I think was one of the causative factors in his poor coping skills which led him to have an affair. My H clearly has abandonment issues, and had a neglectful mother...I think this had to have had something to do with his poor decision.

 

After d-day (and I think even when his affair was still going), I think my husband had no idea why he was doing/had done what he did.

 

OTOH, looking at myself...I had a great opposite sex parent (father) whom I could always trust no matter what. So thinking about this thread, I wonder if it was my positive model of a dad which led me to be able to believe in my H enough to give him another chance. After all, not all men have let me down even if my H did...my dad did not.

 

Just rambling here but this thread got me to thinking about this.

 

 

I have similar feelings. I am just 6mths past d-day, though affairs happened years prior. I struggle daily with my thoughts of I don't care how awful your childhood was, how could you do this to ME........and the compassion and understanding I have for the trauma my H experienced. It's a line that I can't figure out completely which side I am on. I feel like I am betraying myself for understanding on some level what influenced his very poor decisions.

 

I am curious how long it has been for you sunflower? and how do you feel when you express this compassion to your H? I find it is so normal for me to put his emotional needs first that it is just what I do....then I feel angry that I am again putting my needs aside. My worry is that I will 'let him off the hook' too easily. Let his childhood be an 'excuse'. And I have to say that my H takes responsibility for his actions and stresses that he does not blame his childhood, but it obviously plays a role in who is is/was.

 

I'm rambling......

 

Thanks DI for your OP...

Gabriele